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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Opinions please? :)

51 replies

Doodles29 · 15/12/2022 20:40

Hello!

Wondering if anyone can advise please. I have been in a relationship for a number of months now.

My partner is used to doing things his way and, in my opinion, struggles to listen to other people’s opinions. He is very headstrong and at times this can be a good thing, but recently it is becoming difficult. I didn’t call him out on things during the honeymoon period, but now I am starting to because I want to see a future with this man.

We live separately at the moment. Him in his own flat and me at my parents. We are discussing me potentially moving in at springtime, when his lodger moves out.

I am going to his for Christmas Day this year. Along with his Nan and his Mum. He is cooking for us. He recently just wanted to start decorating his living room.

We were on the phone together tonight and he mentioned about it. I personally feel that with 10 days to go until Christmas, it is not achievable for us to strip the wallpaper, prep the walls, fill in the holes, sand the walls down and then paint (before I moved back to my parents, I had previously completely renovated a three bedroom home).

I literally said to him “I’ve been thinking...” and he sighs and does this tone of voice “thinking what..?” Then gets a little bit shitty with me. I detected he was agitated and told him not to worry. He then kept nagging me to say what I was going to say. I wasn’t really feeling it after him being dismissive, so the telephone conversation ended.

I then get these texts from him, see attached. It is something so minimal, but he glosses over the fact that he got agitated for no reason other than me trying to share my opinion.

I’ve had no apology or anything for his behaviour. Am I being too sensitive?

OP posts:

redbigbananafeet · 15/12/2022 21:46

IToldYouAmillionTimesAlready · 15/12/2022 20:57

It's his flat, so up to him to do whatever he likes with it. Why would you expect an apology? Let him get on with it. If the place isn't decorated in time for Christmas, it'll be his problem. No need for either of you to make a drama out of it.

Did you miss all the 'We's in the post? I think the OP is meant to be spending the 10 days in the lead up to Christmas decorating this guys livingroom with him.

YukoandHiro · 15/12/2022 21:47

It's his flat - do not make yourself available to help with this work. We have professional decorators in right now and every room is taking 2 men 2-3 days. And they are professionals.
You know he's making a mistake. Why back down and say "could be wrong though"?
You clearly don't feel open to speak your mind and be yourself in this relationship. Why is that? Is this the kind of life you want for yourself, constantly second guessing whether you should speak the truth because it's not the "bf approved" version of events?

InSummertime · 15/12/2022 21:50

Doodles29 · 15/12/2022 21:12

@OldFan With us both working full time from 7am - 7pm it would. :(

Only time we have is this weekend!

Why the fuck are you doing it ? Not your flat!

Regularsizedrudy · 15/12/2022 21:51

One room could be done by one person in a weekend.

You could be around to make cups of tea etc but I wouldn’t be breaking a sweat to decorate a flat that isn’t mine at such an early stage in the relationship.

LadyB49 · 15/12/2022 21:53

You said..... He can get snappy!!
that would be enough for me. I don't like the sound of his impatience or attitude.
he won't change.
Even if you think you may be being sensitive that doesn't matter. If you are sensitive it's probably because it's not working.

OldFan · 15/12/2022 21:54

@Regularsizedrudy Oh but OP reckons she wants to move in there as he's such a calming presence in her life that it even effects her aura...

InSummertime · 15/12/2022 21:54

pinneddownbytabbies · 15/12/2022 21:17

He's an egotistical arsehole, and he will never treat you as an equal partner in this relationship. He is the sort of person my late DM would have described as a 'Great I Am'.

Convenient for him isn't it, that he can move you into the flat when his lodger moves out. Not only does he get a replacement lodger and the rent paid, he gets sex on tap as well.

I wouldn't be thinking of this as a long-term relationship.

This - you will be a replacement lodger who does the decorating and he shags.
The honeymoon period you have towed the party line to ‘snare him’ thinking he is prize - he’s not. You are and he’s not going to be happy when he finds out you aren’t a push over - but maybe you are 12 hour days and now you are decorating and shag on tap? On top. Have Christmas apart and proceed with high caution he is gaslighting you already

LBFseBrom · 15/12/2022 21:58

You've only been going out for a few months, why the big rush to move in with this man? At 26 you could be enjoying single status for a while longer. If you have £100k you can buy your own flat, you don't have to help decorate his.

The relationship sounds like a disaster in the making.

mewkins · 15/12/2022 21:59

Trying to strip a room of wallpaper, get all the adhesive off and patch the walls is a massive job and not one I'd like to do with an impatient asshole who always knows best. Be busy this weekend and let him get on with it if he likes.

Vallmo47 · 15/12/2022 22:00

Based on these messages alone, I raised my eyebrows more at your tone and behaviour than his OP- all those laughing emojis where you clearly weren’t finding it all exceptionally funny. You’re here telling us about behaviour you don’t like in him and so I think you already have your answer. But I’d focus on how I write/behave above all else. You weren’t laughing, right? So don’t pretend.

Justmuddlingalong · 15/12/2022 22:07

Think on OP.
I'm currently supporting a family member who is with a selfish, sexist, opinionated prick. He's always been a "manly man" (not a compliment) but after years of drip, dripping emotional and verbal abuse, he's really ramping up the shitty behaviour, and openly encouraging their kids to disrespect and take the piss out of their DM, she's like a stranger in her own home. She has no say, her opinions are belittled by him and the kids and she's an absolute shell. Watching it over the years has been hard, but recently she's been confiding that she's really unhappy, but feels she's not ready to give up on a 20+ year relationship.
I know this might seem extreme and that "oh, no, my DP's not like that". But alarm bells are ringing IMO.

EL0ISE · 15/12/2022 22:11

Don’t move in with him. Buy your own place and get a lodger to help pay the bills and mortgage.

OldFan · 15/12/2022 22:30

I didn't realize you were the green @Doodles29 . If you are the green in the texts, you're the one that was swearing and being arsey in them.

But presumably it's in response to what he's like IRL and it sounds like you've completely had enough.

Geppili · 15/12/2022 22:46

He’s a very ‘manly’ man, which in some ways I like, but in other ways he just won’t accept advice easily"

🚩🚩🚩

Alcemeg · 15/12/2022 22:52

I'd think nothing of having 10 days to decorate a room (even if most of it had to be done at the weekend). He might be a dab hand at it, he might not care if it turns out to be more work and needs finishing after Xmas (I mean, the funny thing about living rooms is that we don't really live in them). It's his flat. You seem to be making a big deal out of it and your text messages come across as sulky, sorry!

Dery · 16/12/2022 08:28

You don’t come over particularly well in that text exchange really, OP. He’s pressing you to hear what you were going to say and you’re giving him a hard time about him always being a certain way. Trying to decorate one room in 10 days doesn’t really sound that difficult - you say he bulldozes, perhaps he feels you tend to throw up obstacles to things.

Frankly this doesn’t really sound like the right relationship for either of you. You’ve only been together 9 months so I would say he’s not really your partner yet, just a BF. You’re still getting to know each other and how you work as a couple. More importantly, you should still be in the honeymoon period but in fact you’re already posting on MN about problems in the relationship.

I agree that no-one’s perfect but not everyone is compatible and it sounds like there are compatibility problems here. You backtrack above by saying most of the time he’s great but in an LTR how things are when you’re not getting on is a very important measure of the relationship and if the relationship were good enough you wouldn’t be posting here.

MysteriousMonkey · 16/12/2022 08:32

HundredMilesAnHour · 15/12/2022 21:46

Obviously we only have your perspective on the conversation you had but I thought his text messages were fine. Whereas your text messages were annoying OP. Your behaviour is rather passive-aggressive and it seems you want to be right. You've told him what you think. He doesn't agree. Stop going on about it! Its his flat so his decision.

Sounds like this isn't really a love match. He's replacing his lodger with you and you're using him as a way to move out of your parents without compromising your lifestyle (or spending your £100K!)

I won't even get into the "calmer aura" bullshit.

I agree with this, I found his texts fine and yours annoying.

SwimInTheRain · 16/12/2022 08:47

Oh no.

If you can't get your first sentence out and he's basically rolling his eyes at you... just no!

If you are sensitive and empathetic to even a normal degree you will become conditioned to second guess yourself before you share your thoughts with him. As he repeats this pattern of behavioir you will learn there are topics you'll need to avoid to manage his moods, which he will never acknowledge, let alone apologize for. You will shrink yourself to avoid "making him" disagreeable and become smaller and smaller. Please listen to some Lundy Bancroft interviews and you'll discover abusive men have many red flags like the ones he is exhibiting. Throw him back.

baileys6904 · 16/12/2022 09:10

To be honest, it's nothing to do with you what he does with his own flat or when, and if you don't want to help, don't.

Your messages are absolutely passive aggressive and if you communicated on the phone like u did in these messages, I'm not surprised it went south.

Autumntimeagain · 16/12/2022 09:15

OP, you said ''I know there is no such thing as a perfect person...'', which is true, but there is such a thing as a respectful person...

Someone who values your opinion and gives it equal weight to their own. That kind of person is able to compromise and to respect others wants/needs/desires etc.
That kind of person will have healthy relationships...

Your BF is NOT one of those people...

Zuve · 16/12/2022 09:19

There are plenty of fish in the sea, that ever came out of it. Move on. If this is him putting his best foot forward then you haven't seen his bad side yet. If you don't feel valued now, then you never will be
Sorry, but get out

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 16/12/2022 09:27

It's not going to get better.
Bin, bin, bin!

You are too young to settle for this.

gannett · 16/12/2022 09:48

I don't see how he was agitated in the text messages. He seemed to be pretty calm in the face of OP's passive aggression. Obviously none of us know how bad his tone of voice had previously been but personally I can't stand it when conversations get derailed into arguments about my tone of voice when I've merely sighed. My mother's speciality.

From his point of view he had a plan he intended to do and you were just pouring negativity on to it. It's his flat so let him crack on with his decoration.

But in terms of the wider picture... it's only been 9 months and you're already discovering an incompatibility, if this kind of disagreement is part of a pattern. I don't know why you're thinking of taking this relationship to the next level if you're both communicating badly over something as minor as this. Also, what other opinions of yours does he not want to hear? I don't think he needs to take your opinion into account over something he's doing to his flat but if he's also like this about matters that affect you both, that's a red flag.

Personally the "manly man" thing is a red flag for me too. Almost every man I've met who's keen on embodying traditional male roles has thought on some level that women are beneath him, or should stick to traditional female roles. I get that the manly man thing can be sexy but they're not long-term relationship material if you want to be respected.

Iwantachange · 16/12/2022 10:05

U are equally annoying in a non compatible kind of way...

He sighs when u try to say something, in a god what now way I assume, which is infuriating.

And u start saying something and then decide u aren't gonna say it, forcing the other person to push and push and push to get u to finish what u were saying. Actually, even more infuriating. Can't stand people who change their mind mid sentence..

An insensitive person with an oversensitive person make a terrible couple.

80s · 16/12/2022 10:20

I didn’t call him out on things during the honeymoon period
The honeymoon period is the period when you're both honestly happy, not the period when you're noticing difficulties but don't mention it.

I’m 26 and need my independence back […] but won’t be able to afford to live from month to month alone.
Then you need to earn more and/or cut back on your expenses to be independent. Independent does not mean depending on your bf instead of yoour parents.

People have commented that my aura seems calmer since being with him.
People who haven't read these text messages, presumably! Calm, ha ha.

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