Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband bought a card,To the one I love, but it wasn't for me.

59 replies

Oohchocolate · 15/12/2022 20:26

Long time lurker here, but just feeling a bit sick even tho I know this has been coming for years. I found a receipt on my kitchen floor from a card shop says " To the one I love, couple" The card I've received from my husband says "to my wife" and is fro a different shop. There is no one else at home just us.
So, what to do? I've been thinking for a long time of leaving him ( this wouldn't be the first time he's cheated) but I'm so scared of the unknown and all of the stress that comes with a divorce, I really don't know what the process is. I don't want to upset my family either and I know my mum will see a divorce as a failure as my parents were together literally a lifetime until my dad passed away earlier this year. So I'm going to wait Christmas out best I can then in the new year, I don't know...
Not sure why I've suddenly decided to post this, maybe seeing it in black and white confirms it is real.

OP posts:
CuriousMama · 15/12/2022 21:42

Is there anything else that makes you think affair?

Endofmytetherfinally · 15/12/2022 21:48

Got to agree with pp. This is so far from a smoking gun. I would need a lot of firmer evidence before thinking affair.

VahineNuiWentHome · 15/12/2022 21:51

Can I remind posters
I've been thinking for a long time of leaving him ( this wouldn't be the first time he's cheated)

Its not the first time he cheated!!
Dont try and make the OP doubt when there is already so much history.

MN is weird. Norma.l’y always LTB at smaller hints of slightly bad behaviour. But a woman lives with a cheater. She finds proof he is cheating again and people are like ‘oh but dint jump to conclusions. Maybe he has <insert excuses>’ 🤪🤪

VahineNuiWentHome · 15/12/2022 21:52

CuriousMama · 15/12/2022 21:42

Is there anything else that makes you think affair?

Yes there is.
The fact he has been cheating on her before!!

rwalker · 15/12/2022 21:55

male here I find buying cards very hard . I’m not emotionally expressive and cringe at buying wife’s cards there all to the best wife in the world, you make my life complete , all I want for Christmas is you and to my Gorgeous wife type of thing

I like plain cards but they are difficult to come across so normally end up with a selection . Currently 3 wife cards so far

I’m the same with the best mum in the world type of thing
tend to buy In desperation and keep my eye out for one I like so have a few in reserve

Original poster
Oohchocolate · 15/12/2022 21:59

Thank you for your replies. Yes, you are right, the card itself isn't the issue, I guess I was looking for an excuse. It's a sad situation when it didn't even cross my mind he may have bought more than one card for me or lost one and bought another, I was immediately suspicious. I am not making a decision on a single receipt, there are other things.

Thank you so much for taking the time to reply it has helped me immensely xx

OP posts:
PolarBlair · 15/12/2022 22:03

A long marriage does not equal a happy marriage (ref to your comment about your parents)

ScarierThanBoo · 15/12/2022 22:15

Just to play devil's advocate, I had to replace an initial Christmas card for my DH one year as I was writing on about 30 cards and endless gift tags, and accidentally addressed him as "Daddy" which is just too weird even for me, so I recycled the front page as a gift tag and bought another card. 😳
You've said you've already thought about leaving him though and that doesn't scream happiness.

ABookAndCake · 15/12/2022 22:23
Flowers I don't want to upset my family either and I know my mum will see a divorce as a failure as my parents were together literally a lifetime until my dad passed away earlier this year.

In the nicest possible way Oohchocolate this is not your parents marriage it’s yours and you need to do what’s best for you. It doesn't matter whether their marriage was one of these enviable long marriages where both partners were always happy or one where they put up with misery rather than divorce that was them not you.

You owe it to yourself to do what is best for you and it doesn’t even matter if the receipt is a mistake and he hasn’t bought that card your first reaction was that you’ve been planning to go.

I wish you strength and a happy future focussing on you

makingarunforit · 15/12/2022 22:54

I think it's telling that you immediately jumped to that conclusion. It wouldn't have happened in this house. I would have assumed DH had seen another card he preferred or lost the first one!

It's your life not your Mum's so do what you need to do. You have no idea what is around the corner. Don't assume the worst.

newnamequickly · 15/12/2022 23:00

Are things generally ok at this time though? I know he has a history.

My husband bought me a card and lost it in the dining room. The paper bag and receipt were all that was left. I know he got the card because we shop together and I ended up with a lovely card from an entirely different shop.

The original card hasn't turned up but the necklace he bought, lost and replaced last Christmas has. I now have two identical silver chains.

Could it be he misplaced it and replaced it?
Trying to see it any other way.

Butteredtoast55 · 15/12/2022 23:01

Your mum might surprise you. Yes, she will have wanted a good, long marriage for you as this is what she had. But if you're unhappy, and he's cheating, then it's not a good marriage and she might actually feel it's better for you to be strong and end it.
I'm not advocating that you leave him because I don't know you, just offering another perspective!

larkstar · 15/12/2022 23:07

Wrong receipt put in the paper bag by the cashier? I've had that happen when previous buyer didn't want receipt or left before it could be handed over and they simple tear off the top one and put it in the bag - they don't care.

Also I often buy more than one card - 2 or 3 if I see some nice ones - to save me trouble of making the effort another time - sometimes I open a card I like that I've bought and then decide that I don't like the message. Take the receipt to the card shop and see if they can tell you what card was bought. Maybe "To the one I love" is not what's written in the card but the name of a series of cards designed for a partner.

All I'm saying is, it's not indisputable proof of anything is it?

Anyway - it sounds like you have bigger concerns on your mind anyway. Why don't people just talk?

Whatevergetsyouthroughthenight · 15/12/2022 23:08

Might not even be his receipt, if it was paid for by card you can at least check if the digits match his card (some will be obscured for security but it should show some).

Having said that, you don’t sound happy, so if you want to address that, do, but the card isn’t ‘solid evidence’ and could muddy the water if you bring it up at the start of any conversation you have with him about how you feel.

Bluekerfuffle · 15/12/2022 23:23

Could the other card be in a drawer waiting for Valentine’s Day or another occasion? I’ve bought cards in advance a few times if I see one I like.

gretti · 15/12/2022 23:29

Are not the receipts just generic? For example a 'congratulations on your wedding day' would be classed as an occasion card? So any 'for my wife/husband/boyfriend/girlfriend would show on a receipt as 'the one I love'.

I could be wrong but I wouldn't take the receipt as actually proof he is cheating. However it absolutely goes to show the damage that's been done and it's so unfair for you to keep living this way.

Wether he is or isn't cheating, it's still having a huge effect on you and it's just not worth it

Fleurdaisy · 15/12/2022 23:37

If there are other matters, apart from the card, then you have a sounder basis to make your decision on.
Please don’t stay just because your mother might be upset! She doesn’t get to decide your future and should accept your choice unreservedly.
Start to get everything together, knowledge is power, and after Christmas talk to a solicitor. You can do this, it might be scary to start with but can be incredibly enpowering.

kateandme · 15/12/2022 23:41

The card is your mind giving you your get out op.
You clearly want it/need it.to get out.you sound weary with it all.i don't no what else there has been going on but you sound neither happy or willing to even think of fighting for this marriage.and I don't say that in a bad way. You just seem like you need out.its all gone too far.and that's ok.
It's never a reason to stay for others or how they will view you.fuck em they don't have to live in misery.and if they love you they'd want you to be happy.
Your family needs you well.needs you happy.living in a relationship that is over is so soul destroying and sucks the whole household down too.
Did you mention dc?
Kids are AWLWAYS always aware of parents relationship status.often better than the parents themselves! They feel it.they see it.and it's damaging to be around .
Talk it through with someone if you can.but start getting clear what s needed for your next steps.
The unknown is scary.but isn't a lifetime of your current situation even scarier.isnt living like this forever scarier.
You can do what comes next.i promise you.one ste o at a time.
Once your out the other side it's worth it.

Shoemadlady · 15/12/2022 23:53

How do you know that card wasn't just coded incorrectly on the till?

LeandraDear · 15/12/2022 23:55

I've never in my life seen a card receipt that details what kind of card it is.

Divebar2021 · 16/12/2022 00:18

I've never in my life seen a card receipt that details what kind of card it is

me neither - I would have thought it might have “ Anniversary” or maybe “ Wife Anniversary” but not the actual message surely ? I can also see the brand being shown like Five Dollar Shake but wouldn’t a lot just be greetings card?

Fredshred · 16/12/2022 00:25

OP this is never the kind of thread I would usually reply on, because it’s hard to get the balance of a relationship. But reading the thread and your posts, I would say, don’t stay just because it’s easy or cheap. It’s trite, but it is only one life and your happiness is important. Don’t accept just a life you can put up with and then have regrets. You sound too nice for that.

gretti · 16/12/2022 00:29

If you want proof op - you have the receipt for the card. You know where it's from. I'd go and see if you can see the card he bought you. If you can - buy it and get the receipt. See what it says.

You might not need concrete evidence to leave but there would be a way if you wanted it.

Mari9999 · 16/12/2022 00:35

OP, think this through carefully. If you are unhappy , that is a good enough reason to leave.

You have known for years, I would assume with absolute certainty, that he was cheating , and yet you stayed. Now you find a receipt that does not say or prove anything with even a remote degree of certainty, and yet this is what you are using to draw your line in the sand.

If or when you leave, be clear that you know your reason for leaving. Cheating is a good enough reason to leave; being unhappy is a good enough to leave. There are many good reasons to leave a marriage, but you owe It to your self to be certain as to your reason for leaving. Leaving should be because it is what is best for you and your future peace and happiness.

SarahDippity · 16/12/2022 00:42

You are in a mindset where you are reactive and suspicious and- this is the kicker - with good reason. If there is a track record of infidelity, and you see a tiny little sign, it brings everything into perspective. I strongly recommend you arrange some private time to talk to a trusted friend or a counsellor. Your suspicions have some foundation, and what they say is you are on high alert for evidence. This is very corrosive, and needs to be faced head-on. Ou need to find courage through talking with somebody external to articulate your fears, and then to express them directly to your H. You may not like this, and he certainly won’t, but you can’t continue to exist in a state of anxious sorry. His response will tell you. But you need to have Plan A and Plan B clear in your mind before you speak with him.

Swipe left for the next trending thread