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Original poster

Should I put up with this behaviour.

27 replies

Otw · 15/12/2022 06:10

I would value you some advice and a women's perspective on this matter. I have been in a relationship since I was a teenager (about 33 years)with a beautiful women. We have 2 teenage boys. My partner has never shown any real physical interest in me. I am a good looking and very funny guy ( not my words but other women and a few men )i am a manly type of bloke and confident with my body and my sexuality.i worship our children and a good dad. this has always been an issue but has always been put to one side and something more "important" has always had the focus.i have left things and never pushed once we had our boys i didnt push things as I know it's hard being a new mother and all the stress and strains that brings. I've never complained or been against her having a life with friends and she hasn't missed out on girly weekends away or holidays. We have had our issues and problems over the years as you do but got through them but this issues has been consistent. I have begged , pleaded and cried for her to just give me a hug now and then and she just looks at me with a blank face. I i have had ever excuse in the world and if i only i had done this or that. The goal posts have constantly moved. I have worked away quite a lot and that has just masked any issues. You come back its nights out and restraunts. I've put with being brushed off or pushed off and now it's having a serious effect on my mental and physical health. I have slept on the couch, in the car and walked the streets and she wouldn't really bat an eyelid. I have said her behaviour is a form of abuse.I have asked is their someone else male or female. I am questioning why I have spent my life pawing at some one that clearly isn't attracted to me and dosent love me and now in my late 40s do I just put up with it and be gratefull she is a good mother and our chikdren are OK.

OP posts:
girlmom21 · 15/12/2022 06:19

I don't think you should stay in a relationship where you're miserable for the sake of the children. They're going to think that this is what a healthy relationship looks like and it isn't.

Itsthewhitehat · 15/12/2022 06:19

I think if she has never shown physical interest in you, she isn’t going to start now.

I would, kindly, suggest that you pursue some professional support. To see why you chose to spend your entire life with some who you felt was attracted to you at all. Why you chose to build a life with that person. Why you settled for feeling this way.

I think, the best thing to do would be the end it if this makes you miserable. The timing of that really depends on what else is going on.

But I would suggest trying to find a therapist as soon as possible. It may help you decide what you want to do as well.

MamaFirst · 15/12/2022 06:24

It sounds like a relationship of convenience rather than anything real or meaningful. She's already left mentally, you're just housemates whilst co parenting? You are young still, tell her enough is enough and move on with your life.

dolor · 15/12/2022 06:24

Sorry mate, she's not going to suddenly want to touch you in the way that you want.

It sounds like you're going to have to sit down and talk about separation, because you want intimacy and she doesn't want that. It won't suddenly appear I'm afraid.

category12 · 15/12/2022 06:26

You can either spend the next half of your life fighting with her about it and feeling rejected, or you can make the break and have a chance of meeting someone else.

SwimInTheRain · 15/12/2022 06:41

I can't see anything in your post that says anything about your emotional connection with your wife, so maybe it isn't there?

A good emotional connection is generally necessary for authentic sexual intimacy in long-term relationships.

Some people didn't experience emotional connection growing up and don't even know what it is or what it feels like. If you want a long-term relationship with healthy sex it would be an important skill for you to develop. You could see a therapist about this.

ChessieDarling · 15/12/2022 06:47

It’s interesting to me that you described your wife primarily as ‘beautiful’ and throughout your post, nothing in the way you speak about her goes beyond the superficial.
Frankly, she’s never been interested in you physically, if all is as you say it is, and she most likely never will be. You don’t go decades in a relationship having the same issue all that time and it just spontaneously change overnight one day.
You have two choices, continue to live in this relationship or leave. Personally I’d do the latter I think. It’s strange you’ve stuck it out for all these years, despite being so unhappy, and unfortunate that you’ve set such an example to your children.

Thingsdogetbetter · 15/12/2022 06:54

Her not wanting sex with you is NOT a form of abuse ffs unless she is using it as a punishment or means of control - which it does not sound like!
And no sex isn't going to harm anyone's physical health!! While a lack of love and affection might cause you to feel unloved and rejected, you hyperbole about seriously effecting your mental health concerns me.

I'm trying not to jump to a 'you're a man therefore you're a sex pest'. But your use of the words 'spent my life PAWING at' makes you sound like a total creep who is constantly groping her, put I'm trying to assume you didn't mean it that way.

She's never been interested in sex, so I'm wondering why you stayed together long enough for marriage and 2 kids. Or what she did. This is not a marriage or even a relationship. You both sound miserable. You with pleading, crying, begging for sex and sleeping in cars, and her having to push you off and be totally unemotional and uninterested in having a sexual relationshipwith you.

Again concerned by 'being pushed off'? I'm trying to assume you don't mean it the way it comes across as rather like not taking no for an answer.

Your children are teenagers, they can facilitate a relationship with you without you being with their mother.

You're unhappy. She's unhappy. Just breakup as amicably as possible and get on with your lives.

Forzatesoro · 15/12/2022 07:09

I think it's really hard to have perspective when you are so deep into something

I was in your situation but in reverse and ultimately his refusal to discuss, explore or examine the issue with me led to divorce

I think your description of being told to get off her indicates that you're not respectful of her boundaries and that will not be helping at all - you're entitled to your feelings of course but you can't act out

Your comments about goal posts being moved is concerning; you're allowed to know where you stand in a relationship and this is no doubt contributing to your distress.

It sounds like it was over years ago I'm afraid

Velvian · 15/12/2022 07:19

What about your past actions or events in general that might mean that she is possibly traumatised about sex, or that she does not feel emotionally safe enough to be vulnerable with you?

If she has trauma of any kind from sexual assault, repeated sexual coercion, birth trauma/injuries, abortion, being cheated on, groping her or coercing her will make her retreat further.

I wonder what the issues you mention were. Have you cheated on her? I also wonder whether the idea that you never pushed her into sex when the DC were small excludes what you considered to be an absolute minimum amount in a marriage.

You have 2 DC, so you were having sex. What were things like then?

I do think you need to separate. You are not taking any responsibility and don't seem curious enough to investigate the reasons with your wife.

Do you have the idea that as you want sex, you play no part in the problem?

Hesgothistromboles · 15/12/2022 07:21

Thingsdogetbetter · 15/12/2022 06:54

Her not wanting sex with you is NOT a form of abuse ffs unless she is using it as a punishment or means of control - which it does not sound like!
And no sex isn't going to harm anyone's physical health!! While a lack of love and affection might cause you to feel unloved and rejected, you hyperbole about seriously effecting your mental health concerns me.

I'm trying not to jump to a 'you're a man therefore you're a sex pest'. But your use of the words 'spent my life PAWING at' makes you sound like a total creep who is constantly groping her, put I'm trying to assume you didn't mean it that way.

She's never been interested in sex, so I'm wondering why you stayed together long enough for marriage and 2 kids. Or what she did. This is not a marriage or even a relationship. You both sound miserable. You with pleading, crying, begging for sex and sleeping in cars, and her having to push you off and be totally unemotional and uninterested in having a sexual relationshipwith you.

Again concerned by 'being pushed off'? I'm trying to assume you don't mean it the way it comes across as rather like not taking no for an answer.

Your children are teenagers, they can facilitate a relationship with you without you being with their mother.

You're unhappy. She's unhappy. Just breakup as amicably as possible and get on with your lives.

Interesting that you’ve picked out that it’s all about sex, but the OP hasn’t mentioned that being the main problem in his post. He hasn’t said that no sex has affected his mental and physical health, he said that the situation has - lack of feeling loved in any way - which absolutely could impact upon mental health. It’s little wonder men struggle to talk openly about how they’re feeling when they’re shot down and dismissed as sex pests. A woman stating how low she was feeling in a loveless marriage would be commiserated with, not told she was the problem.

Zanatdy · 15/12/2022 07:28

I personally wouldn’t stay. Find someone who does want to hug you and show genuine affection. Life is too short

Thighlengthboots · 15/12/2022 07:29

Hesgothistromboles · 15/12/2022 07:21

Interesting that you’ve picked out that it’s all about sex, but the OP hasn’t mentioned that being the main problem in his post. He hasn’t said that no sex has affected his mental and physical health, he said that the situation has - lack of feeling loved in any way - which absolutely could impact upon mental health. It’s little wonder men struggle to talk openly about how they’re feeling when they’re shot down and dismissed as sex pests. A woman stating how low she was feeling in a loveless marriage would be commiserated with, not told she was the problem.

Show quote history

I completely agree. I'm female, but I couldnt stay in a sex-less, affection-less marriage either. Sex and intimacy are incredible important to me- its how I feel close to a partner and express love. It would make me feel exactly the same way the OP describes. I guess that makes me a sex pest too then.

OP- your feelings are valid, its completely normal to want affection and love expressed from the person you have chosen to spend your life with. I agree with others because I dont think you're going to get to the bottom of this if this is a pattern thats gone on for decades. Find someone who does love you.

Zanatdy · 15/12/2022 07:30

Hesgothistromboles · 15/12/2022 07:21

Interesting that you’ve picked out that it’s all about sex, but the OP hasn’t mentioned that being the main problem in his post. He hasn’t said that no sex has affected his mental and physical health, he said that the situation has - lack of feeling loved in any way - which absolutely could impact upon mental health. It’s little wonder men struggle to talk openly about how they’re feeling when they’re shot down and dismissed as sex pests. A woman stating how low she was feeling in a loveless marriage would be commiserated with, not told she was the problem.

Show quote history

Absolutely well said. Women don’t get jumped on here for saying they miss sex do they? It’s perfectly normal to want sex in a loving relationship and lack of any physical affection is of course going to have an impact on anyone, men or women.

AlisonDonut · 15/12/2022 07:33

Stop pawing at her? Sounds a bit 'sex pesty' to me.

Dashel · 15/12/2022 07:39

Being blunt, this is no relationship, it’s a financial arrangement. It doesn’t sound like she loves or cares for you if you dont even hug.

Life is far too short to waste it like this. Get therapy to understand why you have put up with this for so long and on how to separate and be good Co parents and move on. I would wait until after Christmas, but that might give you time to get organised and work out in your head how it’s going to happen.

tatertots44 · 15/12/2022 07:42

Totally agree with @Hesgothistromboles

These threads always go the same way. A woman posts about her husband who doesn't want sex and she's told to leave, she deserves to feel wanted and desired. He's a loser who is probably gay or has ED.

A man posts about his wife not wanting sex and he's a pest and a pervert. Such double standards.

Op I'm sorry you've gone through this for so many years. It's absolutely unfair and I would say the total ambivalence towards your feelings and the lack of communication is quite abusive. She has refused to be open and honest with you and deprived you of something very normal and natural. Nobody owes anyone else sex but she does owe you honesty. I don't think you will ever get it and she is happy for you to feel this way as long as she gets an easy life.

I think I would give it one last ditch attempt of a conversation and if nothing changes I would leave.

Newusernameaug · 15/12/2022 07:45

Sorry to hear this, everyone deserves to be cherished and adored and most of all loved!

id leave personally.

CloseYourEyesAndSee · 15/12/2022 07:53

It's been like this your whole relationship, it's not going to change now. I wouldn't be ok with a relationship like this but only you can decide if you are. What you can't do it expect her to change 🤷🏼‍♀️

loislovesstewie · 15/12/2022 07:55

You are young enough to start again with someone who loves you and wants to be with you. Tell her it's over and make whatever arrangements for leaving that you can.It's never going to get better.I think it seems like you are a meal ticket and that isn't right.

Thighlengthboots · 15/12/2022 07:57

tatertots44 · 15/12/2022 07:42

Totally agree with @Hesgothistromboles

These threads always go the same way. A woman posts about her husband who doesn't want sex and she's told to leave, she deserves to feel wanted and desired. He's a loser who is probably gay or has ED.

A man posts about his wife not wanting sex and he's a pest and a pervert. Such double standards.

Op I'm sorry you've gone through this for so many years. It's absolutely unfair and I would say the total ambivalence towards your feelings and the lack of communication is quite abusive. She has refused to be open and honest with you and deprived you of something very normal and natural. Nobody owes anyone else sex but she does owe you honesty. I don't think you will ever get it and she is happy for you to feel this way as long as she gets an easy life.

I think I would give it one last ditch attempt of a conversation and if nothing changes I would leave.

Very well said. I also agree that noone is owed sex. But she does owe you honesty about the complete lack of affection and love. This is a long term marriage which is meant to be a partnership, its not like youve only on three dates for goodness sake.

Itsthewhitehat · 15/12/2022 08:00

I do agree he deserves to be loved. And I do agree a woman posting would get more sympathy.

But I don’t think she does owe him an explanation. She has always been the same. For the whole relationship. How does she owe an explanation for who she is? Op wants her to be somebody she isn’t and act in a way she never has.

AlisonDonut · 15/12/2022 08:12

tatertots44 · 15/12/2022 07:42

Totally agree with @Hesgothistromboles

These threads always go the same way. A woman posts about her husband who doesn't want sex and she's told to leave, she deserves to feel wanted and desired. He's a loser who is probably gay or has ED.

A man posts about his wife not wanting sex and he's a pest and a pervert. Such double standards.

Op I'm sorry you've gone through this for so many years. It's absolutely unfair and I would say the total ambivalence towards your feelings and the lack of communication is quite abusive. She has refused to be open and honest with you and deprived you of something very normal and natural. Nobody owes anyone else sex but she does owe you honesty. I don't think you will ever get it and she is happy for you to feel this way as long as she gets an easy life.

I think I would give it one last ditch attempt of a conversation and if nothing changes I would leave.

It's taken him 33 years to ask 'should I stop pawing at her'.

All we can do is read his words and respond. She's been pawed at for 33 years, I would assume she is sick to the back teeth of him and his sex pesty behaviour.

HIS WORDS not mine.

Original poster
Otw · 15/12/2022 08:12

WOW....thanks for your replys early on a cold wintery morning. Just to be clear I never mentioned sex. We do have sex If i instigate it. Not much if any effort from her. I am guessing their are a million people who put up with this just for the sex with a hot women, but it's not about that. It's a smile and hug now and then. Using the word 'pawing' was a mistake on my part, what I meant is showing affection a hug, a smile , open arms. I am not some weird creep just an old school type guy, I don't want anything weird or dark.

I posted this early because I was up ironing. I do my share ...

We are not married it's never been really mentioned.

I suppose when you are school heart sweat hearts and you don't know any different you have nothing to compare it to. Kids come along and life picks up speed.

Thanks everyone for your varied reply.

I'll do what I have always done except hold onto hope any longer and be gratefull my kids are lovely and loved, despite the issues between 'us' I can't complain about her mothering nature so I am very lucky in one way at least.

Remember we are the lucky ones 'we got up this morning '

Wishing you all a merry Christmas and health , Wealth and happiness in the new year ( not necessarily in that order )

Thanks again

OP posts:
Alcemeg · 15/12/2022 08:38

OP it does sound rather like you are ships that pass in the night. This might be the trouble with getting together so young. It sounds like she takes you for granted.

If it's not working for you, there's no way it can be satisfying her either, really, even if she doesn't know it.

You probably both have some growing-up to do -- don't mean that badly, I just mean that being with the same person since teenage years sort of freezes us in time.

There's a whole world out there, don't spend the rest of your life feeling like this.