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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Drunk or too drunk for sex?

29 replies

recoveringyoungalco · 14/12/2022 23:43

As my name suggests I am an alco. I bought drink today DH threw it away which pissed me off so I bought more. I got drunk and woke up to him having sex with me. So AIBU to think if me drinking pisses him off how does he find it attractive enough to have sex?

OP posts:
WineIsMyMainVice · 14/12/2022 23:46

I think you probably know this is abuse at best - if not then rape. Do you remember any consent?
Hope you’re ok x

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 14/12/2022 23:47

He’s a rapist. Perhaps he’s trying to punish you for your drinking. This is not ok. You deserve better. (I’m assuming that you haven’t said he can start sex while you’re asleep).

Shauna27 · 14/12/2022 23:48

This is deeply disturbing. You should not be "waking up to him having sex with you"? Husband or not, that's rapey and you absolutely need to address that with him. It's not about him finding it attractive or not, he does not respect you if he is doing this to you.

SleepingStandingUp · 14/12/2022 23:49

So you passed out drunk and he had sex with you any way.

Do you have anyone in rl you can stay with or talk to? Has he done this before? Would you be willing to call the police?

DisneyPrincesss · 14/12/2022 23:49

It is rape. You were unable to consent. Please leave him.

Fraaahnces · 14/12/2022 23:49

Firstly, you need to look at two things. Your ability to give consent when drunk, and whether you are drinking too much. Perhaps he threw it away because he prefers you when you are not drunk and oblivious. I don’t know your dynamic. It must be frightening to realise that you are drinking so much that you don’t remember whether you agreed to have sex or not.

DisneyPrincesss · 14/12/2022 23:50

Fraaahnces · 14/12/2022 23:49

Firstly, you need to look at two things. Your ability to give consent when drunk, and whether you are drinking too much. Perhaps he threw it away because he prefers you when you are not drunk and oblivious. I don’t know your dynamic. It must be frightening to realise that you are drinking so much that you don’t remember whether you agreed to have sex or not.

She wasn't just drunk. She was asleep.

Spiderboy · 14/12/2022 23:52

Yes it’s rape. You both sound toxic. Leave him and report his behaviour.

gliiterryballs · 14/12/2022 23:53

So AIBU to think if me drinking pisses him off how does he find it attractive enough to have sex?

YABU. It's not about attraction, it's about control. He lost control when you replaced the alcohol so he raped you to take it back. I'm so sorry.

dolor · 14/12/2022 23:54

That's rape.

Also, does he not get that you can't just stop drinking cold turkey?

Original poster
recoveringyoungalco · 14/12/2022 23:55

Fraaahnces · 14/12/2022 23:49

Firstly, you need to look at two things. Your ability to give consent when drunk, and whether you are drinking too much. Perhaps he threw it away because he prefers you when you are not drunk and oblivious. I don’t know your dynamic. It must be frightening to realise that you are drinking so much that you don’t remember whether you agreed to have sex or not.

I drink too much usually when I start I don't stop. He threw it away because he loves me.

I called the police once when I was very sore after the drunk sex (blood/ bruise) but they just took me in to sober up. Yes I am that bad. They just said I probably couldn't remember correctly, true I couldn't remember at all. I go thro bouts of sobriety

OP posts:
dolor · 14/12/2022 23:56

You shouldn't be involved with him. Aside from him being a rapist, you clearly need to go through detox and get better. Have you ever been in hospital detox with librium?

SleepingStandingUp · 15/12/2022 00:03

recoveringyoungalco · 14/12/2022 23:55

I drink too much usually when I start I don't stop. He threw it away because he loves me.

I called the police once when I was very sore after the drunk sex (blood/ bruise) but they just took me in to sober up. Yes I am that bad. They just said I probably couldn't remember correctly, true I couldn't remember at all. I go thro bouts of sobriety

Show quote history

He threw it away because he loves you. He raped you because....?

I'm sorry they didn't believe you last time. Waking up from having been unconscious tho makes it clear you couldn't give consent. Please report him and leave him.

Original poster
recoveringyoungalco · 15/12/2022 00:07

We have DC if I leave he will get them. He has told me that I am unfit because I drink. I can never leave my child.

I have been thro abuse, this is not abuse, he gets annoyed because he loves me

OP posts:
gliiterryballs · 15/12/2022 00:14

I have been thro abuse, this is not abuse, he gets annoyed because he loves me

He raped you.

itwas · 15/12/2022 00:39

this is not abuse, he gets annoyed because he loves me

right why are you posting then?

Agapornis · 15/12/2022 00:41

It is abuse. Give Women's Aid a call/chat and they can advise you.
If he's imprisoned* for raping you he wouldn't see the kids.

*Statistically unlikely he'd be convicted, but still...

Agapornis · 15/12/2022 00:43

Just because the abuse is 'less bad' than the previous abuser, doesn't mean it's not abuse.

dolor · 15/12/2022 00:47

You NEED to get better for your child.

Your partner raped you, it is abuse no matter how you try to say otherwise.

What detox options have you tried for stopping drinking?

Agapornis · 15/12/2022 01:01

Is drinking alcohol a trauma response? Are you getting any treatment or help?
It may also be helpful to talk/chat to Rape Crisis who can help make sense of it.

stitchinguru · 15/12/2022 02:04

It absolutely IS abuse, on so many different levels.
I am also an alcoholic- my abusive ex used to do this, saying that him having sex like this was my ‘punishment’ for getting drunk!
Alcoholism is an disease - since when did it become acceptable to take advantage of someone on account of an illness?
This level of coercion and control simply fuelled my drinking issues and so the vicious cycle continued.
Get away from him and get all the support you can to beat your addiction- you can do this.

leealie · 15/12/2022 02:11

He's not doing this because he loves you or is annoyed by your drinking, he's doing this because he wants control over you and doesn't care about you or your feelings or how something like this would affect you. This is abuse and rape point blank period. Take your child and run as fast as you can to someone that you trust. Work on sobering up and get a restraining order so he can never hurt you again because he is hurting you whether you want to believe it or not. I hope for both your sake and your child's that you can get out of this situation safely.

category12 · 15/12/2022 10:06

I think it's likely a many-pronged thing, you have trauma from abuse, you are an alcoholic, and your current partner is controlling and abusing you as well.

Having sex with you while you're out of it and unable to give consent is rape.

It might be that you need to leave him to have a chance to recover and get sober, because he is retraumatising you.

And upsetting as it is, while you're still drinking, blacking-out/passing out, you are not fit as a parent. Maybe it would be in the best interests of your child to temporarily leave them with their father or grandparents while you go into rehab, get yourself sorted out. What help are you getting to stop?

Alexandernevermind · 15/12/2022 10:11

This is hard to read. Please see a doctor, AA, whoever and try to get sober. (I know, easier said than done). Until you can stop drinking you won't fully be able to control your life and what is happening to you, and what happens to your children. Come back to this post in a few months down the line when your head is clear🤞and you will find it upsetting to read.

DuchessDandelion · 15/12/2022 10:14

He rapes you. That is abuse Flowers