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Original poster

Your thoughts on this please. Is it a non starter?

50 replies

Lovebeingwarm · 14/12/2022 23:24

Hi
ive been seeing a guy for a few months. He’s lovely to me, we get on, chat easily and the sex is fantastic. I tend to see him every 2-4 weeks. We both have kids who don’t know about us. I could be available for meet ups more frequently but he isn’t and I’m starting to feel like I’m hanging around until he’s got nothing else on, to see him.

i asked him outright tonight if he actually has the time to start something properly and he’s said that he enjoys spending time with me, is attracted to me and is happy to continue as we are. But also they he’s going through something really complicated and stressful at work and he might not be able to give me the time I want and deserve.

I’ve said I’ll think about it.

I really like this guy and I feel like this has the potential to be something amazing, eventually. But I hate the idea of just waiting around for him to be free to see me. I’m
not sure how to manage those feelings and don’t want to lose my confidence.

OP posts:
SummerWhisper · 15/12/2022 00:25

I think it depends on the work issue: is he working long hours towards a promotion or to complete a crucial project, or going through a disciinary? Any of those would align with his response. Ask him about that and you will understand his head space better. If he's shady with his answer, it's a disciplinary or he's playing you (although many disciplinaries involve suspension from the workplace).

EL0ISE · 15/12/2022 00:40

He’s told you what he wants - to meet up infrequently and have sex. He’s clear that he doesn’t want more and in future may have even less time .

You want more and he doesn’t . Either be happy with what is is offering now or end it because it’s not what you want. Don’t hang around waiting for some potential that’s entirely in your head.

Mom2K · 15/12/2022 00:50

If you want a relationship, I'd end it as he clearly doesn't want the same. He likes things as they are and he threw in the work excuse to sugarcoat it.

Mindystryder · 15/12/2022 00:52

Ime "really busy at work" is code for "not that interested". I'd cut this one loose.

PenanceAdair · 15/12/2022 01:02

I'd say the ball is now in your court. You clearly want more and he doesn't. If you stay, he can't be blamed if he doesn't fulfill what you want.

You can either adjust your expectations, live your life and enjoy what you both have whenever it comes - in order words, no need to wait around, just find something to keep you busy as well - or you can move on and find a more serious potential.

Spliffle · 15/12/2022 01:04

He's lying about work. He wants casual sex now & then, nothing more, despite that he's telling you.

dolor · 15/12/2022 01:26

He clearly wants a casual thing and not a relationship. Time to end it.

mackthepony · 15/12/2022 01:35

What the above people said. It's just sex

Unforgettablehamster · 15/12/2022 04:00

Im sorry OP - you are 100% a placeholder. If a man is really interested he’ll leave no space for doubt. You will not have to have such conversations. Leave before he dumps you. I’m speaking from a personal experience.

FleasNavidad · 15/12/2022 04:31

Nope. Move on, he's just seeing you for sex.

Aprilx · 15/12/2022 04:35

It doesn’t look like there is much if any potential here. He wants a casual thing some reliably available sex, he has told you he doesn’t want any more.

I don’t believe the work thing for a second, to be honest if I was having a tough time at work, a relationship, including new relationship, would help me not make it worse.

category12 · 15/12/2022 06:44

He gave you a soft no to your question about whether he wants more.

Hear the no.

I'd start dating other people if I were you.

PepsiMaxAholic · 15/12/2022 06:59

Unforgettablehamster · 15/12/2022 04:00

Im sorry OP - you are 100% a placeholder. If a man is really interested he’ll leave no space for doubt. You will not have to have such conversations. Leave before he dumps you. I’m speaking from a personal experience.

This 100%! You would have no question in your mind how he felt after a few months if he felt that way. He would be wanting to see you way more often than every 2-4 weeks. I hate to say it but that's just simply a hook up for him. He's said he is happy with the way things are, e.g no commitment of his time so it's up to you if you want that or want more. It's not going to change as he should already have an idea whether he wants more or not at this point and he clearly doesn't unfortunately.

Spoonfulofvodka · 15/12/2022 07:45

As hard as it is to hear... you won't get many (if any) stories where that sort of statement ever turned into a happy ending. Find somebody who knows how lucky they are to have found you. Flowers

Oopsiedaisyy · 15/12/2022 08:32

Even if he is after a relationship, that's a whole lot of your life without him in it day to day.

Fireflygal · 15/12/2022 08:48

How many times have you actually met him? 2-4 weeks is FB territory not a relationship.

Is he definitely single?

Original poster
Lovebeingwarm · 15/12/2022 10:24

I know the issue at his work and it is very stressful and will take up a lot of his time.

I don’t want to throw this away and potentially lose out on something that could be great in the future. I’m just torn. Fair enough it might not work out… but am I not better waiting to see rather than just presuming it’s a non starter?

OP posts:
Original poster
Lovebeingwarm · 15/12/2022 10:25

And yes he’s definitely single.
we’ve opened up to each other loads and I know all about his family and childhood etc. I know a lot about his job too.

OP posts:
Mercurian · 15/12/2022 10:28

If he is stressed at work then time with you is a joy and a much needed de-stresser. I have seen men do extraordinary things to be with a woman if they really wanted to.
Either enjoy his breadcrumbing or look for someone who is more serious about you.

FetchezLaVache · 15/12/2022 10:35

but am I not better waiting to see rather than just presuming it’s a non starter?

I actually think you are not, because if you hang around gratefully waiting for the tiny amount of time he is willing to give you, he is likely to take you for granted, whereas if you say, I am not getting what I want and therefore I'm out, it's more likely to focus his mind and prompt him to decide whether he wants you to be part of his life or not. Shit-or-get-off-the-pot time.

As @Mercurian said, men will do extraordinary things to spend time with a woman if they really want to. Please don't settle for minimum effort.

baileys6904 · 15/12/2022 10:37

Oh ffs, lol-ING at all these tales of woe and clearly all these people that know what's going on in his head and is 'definitely lying' 🤣

He's being honest with you. He doesn't currently have time for more involvement. It's up to you if you think the relationship is worth continuing. Is he worth it? Can you do both, and see other people whilst you wait? Only you can answer this. No one else

whattodo1975 · 15/12/2022 10:42

Blimey, poor guy is getting a shoeing her isnt he. OP has said he is mega busy and stressed at work, not really sure what the guy can do? Should he quit his job so he can spend more time with a women he has known a couple of months?

Its entirely up to you if current situation isnt enough for you, but has been honest with you.

Gildedbrooks · 15/12/2022 10:49

You slot nicely into his schedule and so far he does into yours too. If you're starting to want more, first of all ask yourself why. Do you actually want more time or do you actually want more validation?

If it's the latter but you're enjoying your time with him, try and rationalise your feelings out and ask yourself can you meet where he is and be happy. If you can't then you need to walk.

A good way to see how busy somebody actually is at work is to kindly tell them that you loved spending time with them so much that the gaps in between are a little too much for you, so you're going to see other people for now to ensure you don't get too emotionally involved. Then do it. If he wants you to himself, he'll prioritise you as much as he's able. If it turns out it's only as much time as he has now and that's not enough for you - then move on.

Bookworm20 · 15/12/2022 11:07

What he is saying is, you do not fit too neatly into his schedule at the moment.

Sorry, but any man who was really into you would be moving mountains to make sure you DO fit into his schedule.

If you do continue, doesn't bode well for the future. You'll never be a priority.

Unforgettablehamster · 15/12/2022 11:30

Well OP - I still think he’s saying that he’s too busy to offer more time for YOU. You are not happy with the current arrangement otherwise you’d not be posting here, so the truth is that you are not compatible.
You may wait if you want to take the risk but take into account that once he’s got more free time there’s no guarantee he’ll give it to YOU.
There’s no such thing as a man who’s too busy for the woman who he really values and wants to be with.
You deserve better and you will find someone who can offer more. But it’s not him.