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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Your thoughts on this please. Is it a non starter?

50 replies

Lovebeingwarm · 14/12/2022 23:24

Hi
ive been seeing a guy for a few months. He’s lovely to me, we get on, chat easily and the sex is fantastic. I tend to see him every 2-4 weeks. We both have kids who don’t know about us. I could be available for meet ups more frequently but he isn’t and I’m starting to feel like I’m hanging around until he’s got nothing else on, to see him.

i asked him outright tonight if he actually has the time to start something properly and he’s said that he enjoys spending time with me, is attracted to me and is happy to continue as we are. But also they he’s going through something really complicated and stressful at work and he might not be able to give me the time I want and deserve.

I’ve said I’ll think about it.

I really like this guy and I feel like this has the potential to be something amazing, eventually. But I hate the idea of just waiting around for him to be free to see me. I’m
not sure how to manage those feelings and don’t want to lose my confidence.

OP posts:

minticecreamisjustok · 15/12/2022 11:34

It will only work if it didn't bother you. Only seeing him every 2-4 weeks is quite along time, unless it's a long distance relationship I wouldn't put up with the too busy excuse, especially if you feel disappointed about it. The problem is you have to see it for what it is not the potential to be amazing. This is his chance now to show you he wants this to work.

LooneyToon · 15/12/2022 20:45

Quite simply if a man likes you he will always find time, if he wants to, he will.

Bepis · 15/12/2022 20:56

What's his reason for only seeing you every 2-4 weeks?

Bigjigwig · 15/12/2022 22:01

@Lovebeingwarm Don’t waste your time thinking this might turn serious. He has just offered you crumbs there with what he said. The ONLY way for him to rethink things is if you say “sorry, what you’re offering is less than I deserve so we best call it a day”. That might make him think actually I really like her and I need to up my game or he might just let you go. But If you keep seeing him now on the terms he has given you (casual) but hoping it will turn into more, you are only going to get hurt.

Aquamarine1029 · 15/12/2022 22:05

When a man is truly interested, he will find the time or die trying.

Original poster

Lovebeingwarm · 15/12/2022 22:11

Aquamarine1029 · 15/12/2022 22:05

When a man is truly interested, he will find the time or die trying.

Is this actually true though?
do men actually make such effort these days?

OP posts:

category12 · 15/12/2022 22:18

Lovebeingwarm · 15/12/2022 22:11

Is this actually true though?
do men actually make such effort these days?

Show quote history

A bloke who cares about you and wants a relationship will make an effort, yes.

If he doesn't, then you'd be daft to make the effort to keep it going yourself. Why settle for substandard bullshit?

When you accept low effort and low standards from potential boyfriends, you're setting the scene, setting the level, for the rest of any relationship.

HundredMilesAnHour · 15/12/2022 22:20

You want more from this than he does. This is how you end up getting hurt. Don't settle for breadcrumbs from him as you give him the message that it's enough for you (when it's not!) and it will be very hard to come back from that in the future.

I think you'd be better off ending things. Be honest and say you want to see him more often but since he isn't willing/able to do that, you're calling things a day as 2-4 weeks isn't working for you. Value yourself.

I work long hours in a ridiculously stressful job. If you're really into someone, you find a way (it usually means compromising your sleep and/or snatched moments whenever you can).

YouTarzan · 15/12/2022 22:23

A guy once told me he was too busy at work to be in touch much. I asked if he was as busy as Bill Clinton. If a man wants to see you he will make time.

Sandra1984 · 15/12/2022 22:24

Mom2K · 15/12/2022 00:50

If you want a relationship, I'd end it as he clearly doesn't want the same. He likes things as they are and he threw in the work excuse to sugarcoat it.

exactly my thoughts.

Sandra1984 · 15/12/2022 22:30

Lovebeingwarm · 15/12/2022 22:11

Is this actually true though?
do men actually make such effort these days?

Show quote history

Men these days make the effort only when they’re interested, this one is not. You’re very bottom list of his priorities. He’s throwing you a bread crumb every now and then and probably seeing other people.

Bepis · 15/12/2022 22:36

@Lovebeingwarm Yes they do. My DH wanted to spend time with me but he didn't have bus fare when we were first dating so he walked about 7 miles to see me.

Autumntimeagain · 16/12/2022 09:27

He's happy with things as they are, and he's told you this.

You're not happy with things as they are.

It's a non starter.

Regardless of kids etc, if he wanted to see you more than every 2-4 weeks, he would've found a way to make it happen...

orangegato · 16/12/2022 09:34

FetchezLaVache · 15/12/2022 10:35

but am I not better waiting to see rather than just presuming it’s a non starter?

I actually think you are not, because if you hang around gratefully waiting for the tiny amount of time he is willing to give you, he is likely to take you for granted, whereas if you say, I am not getting what I want and therefore I'm out, it's more likely to focus his mind and prompt him to decide whether he wants you to be part of his life or not. Shit-or-get-off-the-pot time.

As @Mercurian said, men will do extraordinary things to spend time with a woman if they really want to. Please don't settle for minimum effort.

Crying at shit or get off the pot.

Original poster

Lovebeingwarm · 16/12/2022 09:52

Crying at shit or get off the pot

I don’t even know what this means!!

OP posts:

LeandraDear · 16/12/2022 09:56

If he really wanted to see you more then he would do so. This is his choice.

LilyRose88 · 16/12/2022 12:44

Are you dating my ex! He was like this and I embarrassingly put up with it for two years. It didn't get any better, I was always bottom of his list of priorities. I agree with other posters that if he wanted to see you, he would make it happen.

Sunshineandflipflops · 16/12/2022 13:25

Lovebeingwarm · 15/12/2022 22:11

Is this actually true though?
do men actually make such effort these days?

Show quote history

Yes, if they like you enough. I have never been in doubt about how much my dp wanted to spend time with me and even though his work is busy as stressful, he makes me a priority.

BlackKittyMama · 16/12/2022 13:30

Been in a similar situation myself and it never changed. In my experience, if he wanted more he would make it a priority now. It might be painful but I would end it and save yourself the future heartache and wasted time!

chevvyroo · 16/12/2022 13:32

category12 · 15/12/2022 06:44

He gave you a soft no to your question about whether he wants more.

Hear the no.

I'd start dating other people if I were you.

I would read it this way too. But it was indeed a nice way of saying it. If the sec is good, you could use him as a placeholder too!

Original poster

Lovebeingwarm · 16/12/2022 13:41

The sex is great.
I think I get the point now this is a non-starter and will decide whether to end it, or accept it’s not going anywhere and enjoy the sex a bit longer.
thanks everyone

OP posts:

Sandra1984 · 16/12/2022 14:07

Lovebeingwarm · 16/12/2022 13:41

The sex is great.
I think I get the point now this is a non-starter and will decide whether to end it, or accept it’s not going anywhere and enjoy the sex a bit longer.
thanks everyone

if the sex is good you can always keep him as a fuck buddy and continue dating while looking for Mr right. That’s what I would do. Oh and don’t tell him this. If he’s stringing you along why shouldn’t you?

LaLuz7 · 16/12/2022 14:12

category12 · 15/12/2022 06:44

He gave you a soft no to your question about whether he wants more.

Hear the no.

I'd start dating other people if I were you.

Exactly this.

totallyoutnumbered · 16/12/2022 14:33

Aquamarine1029 · 15/12/2022 22:05

When a man is truly interested, he will find the time or die trying.

This! With bells on

FetchezLaVache · 16/12/2022 17:41

Lovebeingwarm · 16/12/2022 09:52

Crying at shit or get off the pot

I don’t even know what this means!!

Do the thing (have a poo or, in this case, have a proper relationship with you) or leave the field clear for somebody else.

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