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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

"I'll call you later, I'll call you in the morning, i'll call you after lunch"

47 replies

playingagentprovocateur · 14/12/2022 14:07

Been seeing a man for six months. He has a habit (and had it before we were officially seeing each other too) of going off radar where I get these holding messages.

So for eg, saying he'll call me later, then no call comes. Sending a message saying sorry got caught up, I'll call you tomorrow. No call comes. Sending a message saying "sorry there was a disaster with this meeting, I'll call you after lunch. No call comes. That's in the space of 24 hours and it goes on consecutively.

I used to send him a quick message to check if he was calling or whether I should go and do something else, or let him know I'd be unavailable between X and Y time, even call him myself (at the beginning), and he'd respond with a holding message. Now I don't even respond, so he is effectively talking to himself - "great - I'll call you later xxx" It's a one way conversation of him sending messages to me, promising to call, with no answer. Sometimes for days.

I have told him , look this obviously isn't working! it's no-one's fault, i expect more communication and maybe we're better off being friends and moving on. His reaction is extreme. How could I say that? What am I talking about? He is just so busy, don't insult him like this. He'll call me tomorrow to talk about it.

Guess what? No call comes.

I have not responded to him for a week before (while getting 3-4 texts a day) and got a very upset message asking why I have stopped speaking to him, why I never call, why I never reply.

I get that he's not that into me, that I should block him, this isn't the stuff that relationship dreams are made of. But I am curious, why can't he see what he is doing? Or is he even conscious of it? Why would you continue to do this, get upset when someone tries to break it off? Can't he see his own pattern? I feel like I am going mad.

OP posts:
Alaldlccmemsjzja · 14/12/2022 14:10

id just block him to be honest
total timewaster

TeapotCollection · 14/12/2022 14:10

Honestly just ditch him, however much he protests. Life’s way too short for this shit

carefulcalculator · 14/12/2022 14:12

You could drive yourself mad asking why why why. He is the only one who can answer.

The point is he's a PITA at this early stage, and this is the honeymoon period.

The more important questions for you are why are you bothering, why haven't you moved on already, why are you giving this brain space?!

Throw this one back. I'd just say it isn't working for me, thanks and have a nice life.

Original poster
playingagentprovocateur · 14/12/2022 14:12

I will ditch him. But that's not what I was asking. My question is why would someone do this? It's not like he gets anything out of it?

OP posts:
StickyCricket · 14/12/2022 14:14

You’ll never know why he does it, whether he’s conscious of it, etc etc because you’ll never get inside his head, and tbh you’re allowing him to waste even more of your time while you try and figure it out. It’s a fruitless task.

Just block him and move on.

carefulcalculator · 14/12/2022 14:14

playingagentprovocateur · 14/12/2022 14:12

I will ditch him. But that's not what I was asking. My question is why would someone do this? It's not like he gets anything out of it?

Why does it matter?

Why do you care why?

Some people are fucked up, some are twats, some are dickheads, some are tossers... I could go on.

Twosticksandstring · 14/12/2022 14:15

"My question is why would someone do this? It's not like he gets anything out of it?"

Because he's in the habit of over promising and under delivering.

Simples.

RubiesandRose · 14/12/2022 14:16

Because he can and it exerts a bit of power/control having the other person hanging on for you. I wouldn't expect him to change nor hang around to find out. It's all just power play games, pull you back in and repeat. Block and find someone whose actions meets their words.

Unicorn717 · 14/12/2022 14:19

Why does it even matter? You clearly know that it's not going to happen so just block him and move on.

TwoRockSalmonAndAHaporthOfChips · 14/12/2022 14:19

playingagentprovocateur · 14/12/2022 14:12

I will ditch him. But that's not what I was asking. My question is why would someone do this? It's not like he gets anything out of it?

Possibilities:

he likes playing power games and gets off on keeping you unsure of yourself.

he is married or in a LTR and can’t always be accessible.

he has a very demanding job which means he can’t always be available even when he has planned to be.

Any of these could be true. But it doesn’t matter - if what he is offering doesn’t match up with what you want or need in a relationship, then call it a day.

Newwardrobe · 14/12/2022 14:21

playingagentprovocateur · 14/12/2022 14:12

I will ditch him. But that's not what I was asking. My question is why would someone do this? It's not like he gets anything out of it?

He does get something out of it- the knowledge that he has control over you.

NewToWoo · 14/12/2022 14:21

playingagentprovocateur · 14/12/2022 14:12

I will ditch him. But that's not what I was asking. My question is why would someone do this? It's not like he gets anything out of it?

I think he does get something out if it. He's probably used to getting a power kick from keeping women hanging on for him. Delaying plans or putting them on hold in case he calls, worrying if he is okay, causing 'a fuss' by challenging him about his attitude, that he can then react to and try to put them in their place. He did that to you when you pulled him up on it. It's a power trip mind game to keep you in your place. Except you clearly have no interest in that sort of shit.

I would ditch someone who did this. I would lose respect for them so quickly.

medianewbie · 14/12/2022 14:24

Qu: 'What does he get out of it'
A: he gets to feel Important (I'm just SO busy' & feels there is someone waiting on him. Its all an ego boost for him.

LilyRose88 · 14/12/2022 14:25

My ex did this. I stupidly put up with it for 2 years (I know, I know!) and finally dumped his sorry arse a couple of months ago. His excuse was that he was very disorganised and forgetful. I do think he had ADHD or ADD but to be honest I got fed up with his broken promises. When I finally did dump him he gave a little speech about how he was useless at relationships and wished he was better!

CoQ10 · 14/12/2022 14:27

Twosticksandstring · 14/12/2022 14:15

"My question is why would someone do this? It's not like he gets anything out of it?"

Because he's in the habit of over promising and under delivering.

Simples.

This.
It doesn't matter the reason. It's the impact its having on you that matters.

Good luck.

Dacquoise · 14/12/2022 14:30

medianewbie · 14/12/2022 14:24

Qu: 'What does he get out of it'
A: he gets to feel Important (I'm just SO busy' & feels there is someone waiting on him. Its all an ego boost for him.

Agree with this.

Like a lot of 'busy' people, they're important/popular, you're not, hence you will hang around salivating for the crumbs off their table.

If you agree to this you are setting a precedent for the rest of the 'relationship'.

Justmuddlingalong · 14/12/2022 14:32

It's a control thing.
He's leaving you hanging, expecting a call, which only comes when it suits him. You postpone things, waiting for contact that never comes until he decides.
You'll have more headspace for other stuff when you ditch him.

watcherintherye · 14/12/2022 14:42

It may not even be a ‘power’ thing. You’re not a priority, even if he’s interested, and it sounds like he’s just used to people being willing to put up with his shit and waiting around for him to get back to them. Let’s face it, he must have something going for him as you tolerated it this far. Obviously you shocked him when it became apparent you were getting fed up. Some people grow up used to others dancing to their tune for whatever reason - good looking/charming/outgoing?

CrispyEgg · 14/12/2022 14:44

He’s married or living with someone, still dating/hooking up, a time waster, a control freak, can’t be arsed, a workaholic, playing games or trying to push you into being the one to break up.

Naimee87 · 14/12/2022 14:45

and because he is then constantly on your mind...

Watchkeys · 14/12/2022 15:31

playingagentprovocateur · 14/12/2022 14:12

I will ditch him. But that's not what I was asking. My question is why would someone do this? It's not like he gets anything out of it?

Do you always expect to understand everyone when they behave in ways that you wouldn't? What have you to gain from finding the solution to why this man fobs you off? Will it change anything?

RishisProudMum · 14/12/2022 15:39

But I am curious, why can't he see what he is doing? Or is he even conscious of it? Why would you continue to do this, get upset when someone tries to break it off? Can't he see his own pattern?

I wouldn’t care. However, if you do, ask/tell him all of this. Be completely blunt. See what he says. Then please come back and tell us, as I’m sure it’ll be entertaining.

Gildedbrooks · 14/12/2022 15:46

My daughters ex did this for the last four months after they had broken up and begun 'seeing' each other again.

He would be sketching on messaging but then be offended when he didn't hear from her or if she suggested to just leave it.

Turns out he'd had a WHOLE other secret girlfriend the whole time.

So he was juggling both, sending both the same messages etc, keeping both balls in the air so to speak with minimal effort. He was also texting at least one other girl too.

I don't think it's a control thing I think it's just an ego massage.

He more than likely is in a RL or a similar texting situation with another person, if not more.

I don't think texting is the be all and end all, in fact it causes more problems than it solves imo, but you know the vibes are off, your gut instinct is bang on. Don't ask why he does it, ask why you're doing it.

Don't text him back consistently for a week and watch him disappear in a pouff of magic man-disappearing dust!

minticecreamisjustok · 14/12/2022 15:48

He's flaky and gets annoyed when you won't be a doormat waiting around for him. Not sure I'd bother telling him it's over as he can't ever be available to talk. Just block.

Felicity42 · 14/12/2022 15:48

He likes to keep alive the fantasy that someone is out there worrying and waiting for him. Like a mother. But he doesn't actually want a close relationship or maybe he can't really relate. He just wants to control someone on the back burner.