"I'll call you later, I'll call you in the morning, i'll call you after lunch"

[playingagentprovocateur]

Been seeing a man for six months. He has a habit (and had it before we were officially seeing each other too) of going off radar where I get these holding messages.

So for eg, saying he'll call me later, then no call comes. Sending a message saying sorry got caught up, I'll call you tomorrow. No call comes. Sending a message saying "sorry there was a disaster with this meeting, I'll call you after lunch. No call comes. That's in the space of 24 hours and it goes on consecutively.

I used to send him a quick message to check if he was calling or whether I should go and do something else, or let him know I'd be unavailable between X and Y time, even call him myself (at the beginning), and he'd respond with a holding message. Now I don't even respond, so he is effectively talking to himself - "great - I'll call you later xxx" It's a one way conversation of him sending messages to me, promising to call, with no answer. Sometimes for days.

I have told him , look this obviously isn't working! it's no-one's fault, i expect more communication and maybe we're better off being friends and moving on. His reaction is extreme. How could I say that? What am I talking about? He is just so busy, don't insult him like this. He'll call me tomorrow to talk about it.

Guess what? No call comes.

I have not responded to him for a week before (while getting 3-4 texts a day) and got a very upset message asking why I have stopped speaking to him, why I never call, why I never reply.

I get that he's not that into me, that I should block him, this isn't the stuff that relationship dreams are made of. But I am curious, why can't he see what he is doing? Or is he even conscious of it? Why would you continue to do this, get upset when someone tries to break it off? Can't he see his own pattern? I feel like I am going mad.

My ExH was this - out of sight, out of mind. Realised he is ASD. He couldn’t help it but I couldn’t tolerate it. He’s the nicest person simply I didn’t register on his radar. We both live alone now. Life deals a tough hand for both people

Who cares why he's doing it?

I don't mean that in the confrontational way it sounds but I figured out decades ago that speculating on another person's behaviour is utterly fruitless as there are infinite explanations and the majority of them are all about them and not about you.

Realising an accepting this is enormously freeing.

The only thing you should be wondering is why you are engaging with this on any level. Set your own standards and if someone doesn't meet them don't bother with them

Of course he's getting something out of it! The inadequate little pipsqueak get the illusion of power out of it. He's able to imagine you pining by your phone, just waiting for your Lord & Master to deign to call you. He must have fucking loved it when you would chase him for a reply. His petulance when you ceased to do so ("very upset message asking why I have stopped speaking to him, why I never call, why I never reply") speaks volumes.

I know you're ditching him, but I'd be responding to his texts with "I'll call you later" for, ooh, at least a week first. But I am evil.

here here

‘Keeping you warm’? A bit like saving a table in a cafe by leaving you coat on it, sorry…x

About a year or two together my ex used to tell me he "would call me later" and I would wait and wait for a call and he would never call me back. I realized that it was just the beginning of the end and he was losing interest. Just block him and move on, he's not worth you analyzing to figure out why he does what he does, he's just an asshole.

why can't he see what he is doing?

What makes you think he can't? He's keeping you on the back burner, he's literally dangling you on a string. He likes the feeling that at any point he can pull you back in with the right words and you'll be there.

The only way to deal with this is to block him, on every possible platform, and delete his number, unless you have even more of your life to devote to psychoanalysing him. He is taking the piss, that's all. Next!

Agree with PPs that it's about control. But he will also be getting a feel for how much you are prepared to put up with and what he can get away with.

Where where?

Oh I get you now you're agreeing. Yes he's a timewaster.

I've got a friend like this who sobs and cries when men do things like that. She's always wailing "what's wrong with me?" and the answer is that you put up with the rubbish from them.

He does this because he can, because you've let him and gone along with it for 6months!! You're on the back-burner, but he doesn't want to entirely lose his plan B in case he's at a loose end so he keeps it going. Why has it taken so long to catch on is also a question?

Because he thinks his time is more important. He probably feels like he's important enough that you'll wait around for the scraps of his time.
It just shows where you come on his list of priorities! What a time waster.
I hope you're ok!

he likes keeping you (and others?) on the back burner, ego boost , can pick you up when another woman dumps him.

Are you sure some of the texts aren't automated or something?

I think he DOES get something out of it. He gets to string you along: he gets the benefit of knowing there's someone available to him whenever he feels like interacting, but without the work of actually giving her attention or care. He also gets the ego boost of knowing that you'll put up with being strung along just for the joy of being with wonderful him. He gets the validation of telling someone that his time is so, so very important that he couldn't possibly call you all four or five times that he promised to, and of getting to tell you off when you disagree. And every time you disagree, and he tells you off, and you don't dump him, he gets the ego hit of having convinced you that he's right that his time is more important than yours.

Or he's just super disorganised and can't pull himself together long enough to actually make the call he's planning to make. But I think if that were the case, he would be more apologetic, more open to your frustration at being strung along, and less offended that you dare to consider your own time valuable.

It could be that he is genuinely crazy busy the whole time - which means he does not have time for a relationship.

Or it could be that he's dating several women and wanting to keep all the plates spinning until he chooses which one he likes best.

He's fully aware of what he's doing.

It's a game to him. He's seeing how far he can string you along with it and the denial that he's doing anything wrong is part of the game.

Just block him and move on. Don't even contact him again. Just block.

But I am curious, why can't he see what he is doing? Or is he even conscious of it?

Same reason my exH was always late. Because in his own head he's just much more busy and important than you are. No one has ever been as busy and important as he is.

because he thinks it’s what you want to hear, is the most likely answer. If in other ways he’s an ordinary man. At some point he’s learned that saying “I’ll call you later” delays him being told off by a woman. Many men will say or do things for no reason other than to get an easy life.

or he’s a narcissist who just enjoys fucking with you and it’s how he gets his kicks.

He is training you to dance to his tune, jump when he says jump, and woe betide you if you complain about him not paying you enough attention, because he is far too busy and important for that. You have to wait until he clicks his fingers.

He wants a compliant girlfriend who worships the ground he walks on and panders to his every whim. And I'm guessing that you don't want that job

You could always reply to him

'I'll call you tonight'.

And then block him.

Seems fitting in my mind, at any rate.

Is he someone who always has his phone with him or is he someone who isn’t constantly checking his phone for messages. If the latter he might just not be a texter or much of a communicator. If that he doesn’t even realise he’s making empty promises. My new date is quite slow to respond to messages but I know he’s busy. I have to sit here and wait a respectable 10-15 mins before replying sometimes! He’s not someone who is constantly on his phone. I am. Whether or not that will become problematic I don’t know, but I guess time will tell

This is exactly what I was thinking.

It really doesn't matter 'why'.

Dump and move on.