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Original poster

Proposal advice.. how to stop comparing?

35 replies

teatime2022 · 14/12/2022 12:01

A a bit of advice please.. I’ve been with my partner for over 3 years. Children have always been our main priority (we have none yet but would like to soon) and marriage has been a like to one day (more important to me), but not AS important. My partner isn’t fussed about a marriage but would for me. A couple of weeks ago, a couple we know got engaged and have been together for a year or so. I couldn’t help but feel extremely jealous and compare relationships .. and it made me slightly inadequate as though my relationship isn’t going anywhere and it at a bit of a stand still. Any advice to stop comparing!? Afterwards I was honest and my partner said he would like to propose within the next year but I still can’t help but feel a wave of jealously, comparison and resentment and have been bringing it up quite alot which will only cause a strain on us. It’s making me feel quite down!! Any advice on how to deal with this would be much appreciated.

OP posts:
Scarecrowrowboat · 14/12/2022 12:05

Does there need to be a proposal? Are you both ready to get married? If you're both happy to get married why not just agree to get married? Proposals are a bit of a weird outdated idea.

Unicorn717 · 14/12/2022 12:08

Why does he need to 'propose'? That won't get you anywhere further in the relationship just because of a ring/him saying will you marry me? If you want to get married, get married. But I wouldn't be getting worked up about what someone else is doing.

BackOnTheBandWagon · 14/12/2022 12:08

What exactly are you jealous about? The proposal? That they've only been together a year? Some sort of romantic gesture?

Would you have wanted to get engaged a year in to your relationship? I wouldn't. My DH and I got engaged after three years together, living together for 9 months (I asked him).

Your relationship and your relationship history is totally different to this couple. You can't compare - it's pointless to, because it's comparing apples and oranges.

The important question to ask is what do you want? To get engaged? Then ask him. For a romantic gesture? Then ask him to do that? To start having more concrete future plans? Then initiate it. This is actually within your power to influence. Jealousy is a bit pointless really when you can just take charge.

Badger1970 · 14/12/2022 12:12

Thing is, you're giving him all the power here.... by waiting for an old fashioned romantic proposal. I'd sit him down and tell him that it's important to you, you're not having children without that commitment and if he doesn't want to get married, he needs to be honest here.

Don't waste your fertile years on hope Flowers

gogohmm · 14/12/2022 12:14

If you both want to marry why not simply decide, no need for any specific proposal, or you ask him!

Also if you want to be married it takes 20 mins at the registry office... it's whole big wedding thing that puts people off

MrsMontyD · 14/12/2022 12:15

Engagements seem to be out of fashion on Mumsnet these days. I think they have their place as a public/social commitment between a couple who want to be more than boyfriend/girlfriend but aren't ready for marriage. In my case we've both been married before and have our own homes and dc and marriage for us is not something to rush into, other ducks need getting in a row first.

To be honest if you're already living together and planning children then an engagement isn't really necessary and putting it in your DPs hands to propose just gives him the opportunity to put it off.

My view would be no babies without marriage and you need to know that marriage is happening soon and you're not wasting your time.

I would also say you don't need a wedding, a lot of expense, big dress, cake, expensive rings etc. the important bit is exchanging vows and signing the contract, which can be done for a few hundred pounds.

sjxoxo · 14/12/2022 12:17

Badger1970 · 14/12/2022 12:12

Thing is, you're giving him all the power here.... by waiting for an old fashioned romantic proposal. I'd sit him down and tell him that it's important to you, you're not having children without that commitment and if he doesn't want to get married, he needs to be honest here.

Don't waste your fertile years on hope Flowers

This. I would strongly suggest the legal commitment of marriage before you have kids. There are so many threads on here from women who are left really vulnerable with children and no legal protection over finances and find themselves in precarious situations due to the shitty behaviour of their partner. Why isn’t marriage important to him yet children are? Dont give that up for him, Even if you are desperate to have kids. Proposals really don’t matter - it’s the commitment you make to one another and how you live every day as a family unit. It’s a bit uncaring of him to say it’s not important to him as essentially it binds you legally together and gives you some security. Why wouldn’t he want that for his future kids? Insist or rethink your plans would be my advice. Good luck xxX

MrsMontyD · 14/12/2022 12:19

Also, don't be jealous of people who rush into things especially marriage, it's a contract that's relatively easy to get into and much harder to get out of.

Yarrawonga · 14/12/2022 12:19

Afterwards I was honest and my partner said he would like to propose within the next year

In that case, you might as well start planning the wedding now.

His response will be telling.

MrsMontyD · 14/12/2022 12:22

@Yarrawonga That's the worst but, basically kicking the can down the road but making it look like he's doing something. It's a tale as old as time.

Alexandernevermind · 14/12/2022 12:24

Badger1970

Thing is, you're giving him all the power here.... by waiting for an old fashioned romantic proposal. I'd sit him down and tell him that it's important to you, you're not having children without that commitment and if he doesn't want to get married, he needs to be honest here.

Don't waste your fertile years on hope

Agree with this. Its the rest of your life, not just an Instagram moment. You need to take control of it, not wait for a man to decide.

LaLuz7 · 14/12/2022 12:30

Couples who get engaged only one year into the relationship are gambling and reckless. Would not envy.

MrsMontyD · 14/12/2022 12:31

I've seen too many women strung along until its too late, they find themselves in the 40s with no marriage and no dc and then the man moves onto someone younger and before you know it he's married with a baby on the way, it's absolutely brutal.

Lampan · 14/12/2022 12:32

If you have discussed marriage and intend to get married one day, then you are already engaged.

StopStartStop · 14/12/2022 12:39

It's all upside down.
You've talked it through. No 'proposal' is needed. Do you need a ring? If so, get together and choose one.
Plan a wedding. Go through with it.
Then have children.

MimiSunshine · 14/12/2022 12:45

Honestly. Stop thinking it’s got to be a surprise romantic proposal.
it doesn’t, you wouldn’t have waited for him to randomly surprise you with a house to move into.

im sure you discussed, agreed when you’d move into together and agreed on the house together.
Do the same with a marriage, tell him, actually you don’t want to be hanging on all next year for a possible proposal, it will make you miserable and on edge.

say you’d like to get married next year or early 2024 and start actually making plans but that you won’t have a baby until after then.

if he says he wants to do a proposal or that it would t feel right if he didn’t, I think he’s just fobbing you off as you say yourself he’s not actually bothered about getting married.

Chemenger · 14/12/2022 12:50

Lampan · 14/12/2022 12:32

If you have discussed marriage and intend to get married one day, then you are already engaged.

Good point.

Yarrawonga · 14/12/2022 12:53

It's all upside down.

Agreed.

No marriage, no children. It will focus his mind.

Thefriendlyone · 14/12/2022 12:56

It’s clearly much more important to you than you’ve been admitting. So lying up until now has back fired on you. It was never much less important and would like to one day . It’s not ok to lie to him then pressure him

NatalieIsFreezing · 14/12/2022 12:57

OP without knowing your circumstances I wouldn't say either way whether marriage will give you legal protection for you and potential children in the event of a split etc but you need to research this for yourself. Particularly re where you live and what would happen if you split, and also what your expectations are and would could happen in terms of whether either of you gives up work for childcare.

"Common-law" partners don't have many rights compared to married couples, so please make sure you're clued up before you have kids with no legal commitment.

Dery · 14/12/2022 13:00

In England, “common law” partners currently have no rights. The position is different in some other jurisdictions. As PP have flagged, if you have children, it will likely be your career and earning power which takes the bigger hit in the early years, particularly if you decide to be an SAHP. That’s where the protection of marriage is potentially so important.

WallaceinAnderland · 14/12/2022 13:10

Can you imagine any other circumstance where an adult is willing and able to do something that they really want to do but waits for someone else to ask them if they want to.

Buy a house? Do you wait for the vendor to propose a sale to you. Or a car, do you wait for the salesperson to ask you if you want to.

It's ridiculous OP. If you want to marry, discuss it like adults and make a joint decision.

SlouchingTowardsBethlehemAgain · 14/12/2022 13:20

This is your one beautiful life OP, don't be a passenger, tell him you want to get married asap and that you want to book the registry office. If he does not agree - think long and hard - is he future faking. So many men say they want to propose and will soon, then a couple of years later, buy and ring, but the wedding never happens, by which time you have 2 kids and no financial security and he has all the power - practical, emotional and financial. Don't let it happen to you.

meditrina · 14/12/2022 13:26

and marriage has been a like to one day (more important to me), but not AS important

Your wedding is one day. A marriage is an important legal contract, lifelong unless formally dissolved.

Have you read up on the legal differences, and worked through what they mean in your circumstances in the situations of death, disability, critical illness or splitting up, and those options with or without DC.

Do not sleepwalk into a position of vulnerability

rosemarysalter · 14/12/2022 14:05

I wonder how many commenters on this thread didn't have a proposal of their own?

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