Proposal advice.. how to stop comparing?

[teatime2022]

A a bit of advice please.. I’ve been with my partner for over 3 years. Children have always been our main priority (we have none yet but would like to soon) and marriage has been a like to one day (more important to me), but not AS important. My partner isn’t fussed about a marriage but would for me. A couple of weeks ago, a couple we know got engaged and have been together for a year or so. I couldn’t help but feel extremely jealous and compare relationships .. and it made me slightly inadequate as though my relationship isn’t going anywhere and it at a bit of a stand still. Any advice to stop comparing!? Afterwards I was honest and my partner said he would like to propose within the next year but I still can’t help but feel a wave of jealously, comparison and resentment and have been bringing it up quite alot which will only cause a strain on us. It’s making me feel quite down!! Any advice on how to deal with this would be much appreciated.

I've been engaged, married and divorced and I'm currently engaged and I've never had a surprise "instagram style" proposal, both times there's been a conversation and then shopping.

I wonder how many commenters on this thread didn't have a proposal of their own?

I did, although it was really just a trigger to start formal arrangements for the wedding. We had known we would marry for some time.

I had also previously made it clear that I wasn’t prepared to have children unless I was married. Although he would have asked anyway.

I wouldn't necessarily see a proposal within a year of meeting as something to aspire to. For most people, that's quite hasty, they don't even know each other, and is more than likely a recipe for disaster as will mean a quick marriage (and probably divorce eventually).

I'd stop asking about a proposal and start talking about plans for marriage. Decide together on a date to get married and start planning. If he wants to propose formally in the meantime, great, but at least the day is booked and you will know you've ticked all the boxes before having children. Dh and I actually decided on a wedding venue and booked the date before we got engaged. We had a ring we purchased together and he wanted to properly propose and make a weekend of it, but for practical purposes (my visa application), we needed to clarify at what point we'd be married. So we did it the other way around.

Do you see this as a way for him to demonstrate that he genuinely wants the same things? Like a test?

My now dh can be oddly passive over huge life decisions. He was always like that from when he was very young so I did know this about him. We talked about having kids, getting married etc and he was happy to go along with what I wanted. I therefore really wanted him to propose to show that he genuinely did want the same things.

It took him about 6 months after we first started to talk about it until he proposed and it was the least romantic thing in the world. Like it's a family story about how poor he was, even his dad told him off. But it was enough and he did it in his own unique and spontaneous way. Married within 8 months and 20 years and 2 kids later still happy.

So I get it if it's that. It's a show of commitment you need from him. If you are sure of him then just do it.

Few men spontaneously propose, most have been made very aware that their girlfriend expects/wants a proposal soon and definitely before kids/moving in.

If you have kids first, it’s extremely unlikely he’ll ever propose (unless you cry about it, which is not very romantic).

You’re grown ups. You want to stay together and have kids together. Just get married. Tell him that you’ve thought about it and want to be married first. If you want an official ‘proposal’ do it yourself or make it clear that you’re waiting for him to, asap, so you can get pregnant.

Why don't you propose? Why should it have to come from him?

And a year together is nothing, a lot of people would consider that rushing things. Not something to be jealous of. I guess the urgency could come from your age though?

The fact that this couple got engaged quickly does not give their relationship any kind of inherant value.

What would you think of a couple that were together 20 years before getting married? Or a couple that have been together for decades without marrying like Goldie Hawn and Kurt Russel?

Try to stop comparing yourselves with others and think about what you guys want and when. If you are impatient about the pace of things in your own relationship then that’s something you need to work on together. It’s good that you’re already talking openly and honestly with each other.

Thanks @vincettenoir , this is a really kind comment. I think I need to come back down to earth slightly and realise that everyone moves at their own pace and that’s completely fine! My parents never married and have a great relationship so there you go! Agreed, we’ve been honest with eachother from the beginning and I know people say why don’t I propose but I’m just not wanting to do that!!! I do really want the grand gesture if you like 😅I just feel slightly panicked when I become slightly jealous as I don’t want to be that person

If you want kids I'd really consider proposing to him first.

TBH the “I’ll propose next year” thing is a bit of a worry. But only you know if he’s prevaricating or not. You know your relationship.

Don’t wait around for too long.