Ex moving on

[luggageandbags]

I have moved out of family home six weeks ago, following a long period of living together with exDP post breakup as I sorted the finances, house purchase, essential renovations etc.. We were in relationship for 10 years, have DC whose care we share 50/50.

This last weekend while out and about with DC I bumped into him with a new friend. She is his type and while nothing was said to indicate they're anything more than friends I felt overwhelmed with jealousy. I was friendly but felt weird and I think DC sensed that as they have been emotional for the rest of the afternoon.

I am absolutely certain that the breakup is the right thing to do and my life is much happier and calmer since we don't live together. I'm surprised by the anxiety and upset I'm feeling and I keep thinking about him with another woman. I think it touches on my own insecurities right now (I'm mid 40s, no longer with the best of figures or most exciting of hobbies but most crucially I can't imagine myself in another relationship ever again; I have been left so humbled and wounded by this relationship that I don't trust myself to ever make the right decision again regarding the choice of a partner).

Anyway, even if there's nothing going on with this particular woman I realise that him moving on is something I will have to deal with. I know these feelings will pass and I'll be OK eventually. But how do I get there? How do I deal with the day to day pangs of anxiety and jealousy? I had a long season of counselling in the past (which is where I realised I need to break up with him in the first place) but I can't afford to go back now that I'm a single mum.

Please share your wisdom Mumsnetters, and be gentle, I am really hurting right now.

I’ve just read your post and can feel your pain . We separated last May and he hounded me to get back together until he then met someone else in the November. It literally ripped my heart out and to say I was broken didn’t describe it . He’s still with her now on and off but I’m doing ok now . I still think about them together sometimes which stings a bit but I have now accepted it . It’s hard going but keep telling yourself you’ve got this x

Thank you @Sweetielou it means a lot. It's like grieving the relationship all over again isn't it.

I wish I could just block off all content and not see him again but as we share the children we need to text and see each other a lot and it's suddenly all feeling forced and stilted since I bumped into him. I wish I could be more breezy about it.

all contact that should have said

To be honest, I have seen this in a lot of men. Unable to spend five minutes alone, processing the past or feeling sad. Jump straight into the next free bed, within weeks. Whereas I know a lot of women who feel just the same as you: they use the end of the relationship to re-assess what they want from life, regather their strength as a single person, and go into a new relationship with their eyes open, rather than tightly shut to any possible unpleasant thought.
That's a sign of strength.

I don't see my ex a lot, but my DC do (although not 50/50) and all comms is via WhatsApp. Blocked him and anyone I'm not interested in knowing about on social media, so nothing pops up. Happy days. Your feelings will pass and then you will think wtf did I see in him. My ex seems like a complete stranger and that is fine by me coz if he wasn't he would try and use it to my disadvantage.

@80s yes, that's what I'm telling myself - that this is the opportunity to just be me for a while, remember (find out) what I actually want in life and who I want to spend it with. Also I have been focussed on the children - as disruptive as the breakup is for me it's the biggest thing that's happened in their lives and they only have me and ex to hold them. This is another reason why I want to deal with my anxiety of him moving on - I don't want them to see me struggle because then they will struggle too.

I think it's OK to say something like "Well, that felt weird!", just to acknowledge that it's not a comfortable, normal feeling. It could encourage the kids to say whatever they've been feeling.

@Taxistaxing I agree reducing contact to text/email is probably the best. We had this idea that we would be continuing to go in and out of each other's houses for a while (and spend Christmas and holiday together this year) while kids are getting used to the new arrangements, and let things gradually settle into a more distant relationship. But I think we need to make a harder boundary sooner.

why did you split in the first place ?

@whattodo1975 ooh where to begin. Deep incompatibility would probably sum it up. We were so miserable together.

OK so what's the issue ? Is it not a good thing he is moving on and can find happiness after a miserable relationship?

I find when I’m stuck like this, reframing helps., and it’s much like @80s has said.

You say you have separated because of deep incompatibility and because you make each other very unhappy. A wise thing for both of you to do is take stock and discover who you really are.

But your ex obviously isn’t wise and possibly feels that he needs someone to fill the void. If he can’t bear to be on his own for a period of time it doesn’t bode well. This relationship isn’t necessarily doomed but it’s not built on the best foundations. All hes done is possibly set himself up for another breakup further down the line. This quick relationship does say he’s living his best life, but that he’s desperate not to feel alone.

You, on the other hand said you were feeling calmer and happier. This is the best way to be.

I am in the middle of divorcing and although I have no feelings for my ex at all, I know this is a very distinct possibility in the future. I do wonder how I will feel when it happens to me.

Been there recently. I initiated the break-up as things had become unpleasant between us and it was turning us into people I didn't recognise.
My DC told me he was dating. I think he's now onto the second person he is dating (one after the other.)
I do want him to date and be happy so was very surprised that I felt weird about it.
Compared to the men I have met dating, he's a reasonable catch for nearly 50 - own hair and teeth, good job, own house, hobbies and mates and a good dad. He's exceptionally intelligent and can be great conversation too.
However by comparison I have aged atrosciously, become chronically ill, very boring and frumpy etc. Not meaning to sound woe is me but I will probably never have the opportunity to have another partner again and I fully admit to being envious that his life can move on and that he still has his health.

@whattodo1975 yep I know that, and I don't want to get back together with him. However it feels weird and unsettling and I came here to talk to people who have been though similar experiences for tips and compassion.

I know two recent cases of men who lost their incredible wives to cancer and who each moved on within a matter of weeks! They each had long (think 20+ year) relationships, children and were happily married. In one case, the man moved on in SIX weeks, in the other it was 12 weeks. The first guy remarried within the year and moved his new wife into the family home with his two children (who are still grieving their mother).

All of which is to say that, in my very recent experience, men (far more than women) struggle to be alone, move on far too quickly without thinking of how their actions affect others, and don't dignify the ending a significant relationship with an appropriate period of grieving. Which makes them pitiable, IMO.

@Toomanysleepycats good luck with your divorce. It's good that you are thinking about this already. I guess I have been so focussed on the immediate practicalities of splitting up I haven't considered how I'll feel when the moving on happens.

@Garysmum you sound lovely! And I sympathise. My ex is good looking, has his own house, is smart, gentle - he is a great catch on paper until you scratch the complexes and insecurities that make him unbearable.

Men ime move on quicker, (I will have people telling me it’s not true but I’m only speaking from MY own experience) I have been single 6 Years whereas my ex moved someone in 5 weeks after we split

@SpinningFloppa That is so fast! How did you deal with it?

I didn’t find out until later down the line as he didn’t tell me so by that point she had moved out, it didn’t last long (about 5 months) but was extremely hurtful as he moved her in after only meeting her once 🤦🏻

Bit of a massive judgement calling him unwise. We don't even know him! Maybe he's met someone nice who he is enjoying spending time with. I met my dh whilst he was going through his divorce so not long at all after splitting up. We fell head over heels with each other. Sometimes it happens quickly. Sometimes slowly. Sometimes not at all. There us nothing the OP has said that suggests her ex was bad in anyway.
OP an alternative way to frame things is to feel happy for him. Happy that he maybe has met someone he feels good around. The ideal scenario would be everyone ending up Happy, surely.

@whattodo1975

OK so what's the issue ? Is it not a good thing he is moving on and can find happiness after a miserable relationship?

It's perfectly normal to feel unsettled like the OP is after a relationship even if it wasn't working out. Feelings don't tend to be logical things!

@luggageandbags it’s my ex was gorgeous 6.3 he was had insecurities it was a nightmare then he turned out to be a nutter so glad we’re not together we share a daughter and still he thinks hes entitled to bring me down with HIS insecurities. You’ll be ok in time and find someone more suited x

I totally get where you are coming from @luggageandbags. My H and I split up a while ago and he is dating someone new and I find it hard. I find myself thinking about them a lot and I feel a real physical hurt sometimes when I imagine them together.
Some of it is down to jealousy - she is a fair bit younger than me, no kids, gorgeous etc etc, he has someone special to do things with whereas I am single - and part of it is because he is happier now and has become the person I remember him to be when we first met over 20 years ago.
He has also lost weight, stopped drinking (wouldn't stop for me or the kids, only stopped for himself in the end), wears better clothes, has changed his whole appearance really and I sort of find him attractive again which is also confusing. But he treated me like crap for years and I hated him by the end which I have to remind myself of regularly.

A lot of the time i think it is easier for men to move on because we women are often left doing the lion's share of the childcare and have less freedom plus we probably think more about the impact it will have on our kids.
My kids really don't like their dad's new partner and wish he didn't have one, I feel like he has risked his relationship with them so as not to be alone. They avoid going to his place if they can and definitely won't go if she is there and don't want to meet him if he is with her.
For their sake, I have kept a lot of contact with him and he often comes here to see them. I wish it wasn't that way and that I had more boundaries because I know that's part of why I find it so hard and confusing but I can see that it has been better for the kids this way, they have coped so well with our split because of it.

we probably think more about the impact it will have on our kids.
I think so, too - women are more likely to be spending more time with the children, on average, and are more likely to feel primarily responsible. I've seen it the other way too, in cases where the man was spending more time than the woman bringing up the kids.

But I'm not sure women would move on faster if they felt the same amount of freedom as men. Women usually seem to have at least a couple of friends or sociable hobbies to keep us busy, and men seem more likely to have almost no friends, and just their work - or is that just my experience? The men I know seem more desperate to me.

My ex-FIL coincidentally met an old friend 2 weeks after his wife's death from cancer. So for the last 50+ years he has spent 2 weeks without a partner.

It is hard work @luggageandbags but you will get to the point where you are not even interested in what he's up to, believe me.

@Mels101 I so, so relate to this! Like he is finally becoming the person I wanted him to be but was unwilling to change. I think this is where all the upset and jealousy stem from, I keep grieving the loss of the relationship, of what I thought the future would be. I have done it once at actual breakup, and this is the second round, of seeing him have that relationship with someone else...

And I hear people describing it as a bodily sensation, breaking apart and physically hurt, that is what it feels like for me too.

We need to be gentle with ourselves I think and give space for all of this to unfold. @80s yes I think you are right, I have sought company and friendship of my female friends (I have lost regular contact with some of them over the years and it's lovely to have them back, it's part of being me). And this is what is keeping me going, their care, warmth and practical help... And I agree that men seem more atomised, they are not there for each other in the same way, which is probably the reason men more often than women jump into another sexual relationship.

We share the time with the children equally so I do have time to nurture my friendships and enjoy my hobbies but I seem to be continuing to carry most of the mental load (remembering to buy friends' birthday presents, adding things to the family calendar - that he never bloody checks so if I don't text as well children would be going to school in wrong clothes/not bringing the donations etc-., noticing that shoes need replacing...) but if I don't do it the kids would lose out.