Ex moving on

[luggageandbags]

I have moved out of family home six weeks ago, following a long period of living together with exDP post breakup as I sorted the finances, house purchase, essential renovations etc.. We were in relationship for 10 years, have DC whose care we share 50/50.

This last weekend while out and about with DC I bumped into him with a new friend. She is his type and while nothing was said to indicate they're anything more than friends I felt overwhelmed with jealousy. I was friendly but felt weird and I think DC sensed that as they have been emotional for the rest of the afternoon.

I am absolutely certain that the breakup is the right thing to do and my life is much happier and calmer since we don't live together. I'm surprised by the anxiety and upset I'm feeling and I keep thinking about him with another woman. I think it touches on my own insecurities right now (I'm mid 40s, no longer with the best of figures or most exciting of hobbies but most crucially I can't imagine myself in another relationship ever again; I have been left so humbled and wounded by this relationship that I don't trust myself to ever make the right decision again regarding the choice of a partner).

Anyway, even if there's nothing going on with this particular woman I realise that him moving on is something I will have to deal with. I know these feelings will pass and I'll be OK eventually. But how do I get there? How do I deal with the day to day pangs of anxiety and jealousy? I had a long season of counselling in the past (which is where I realised I need to break up with him in the first place) but I can't afford to go back now that I'm a single mum.

Please share your wisdom Mumsnetters, and be gentle, I am really hurting right now.

When I expressed surprise at him having a new partner my H said " what did you think I was going to do?
Like a lot of men he has no local friends so looked for a new woman instead. And because he is a fairly good lookin, solvent 50 year old it was no problem for him to find a woman more than ten years younger

@Mels101 I so, so relate to this! Like he is finally becoming the person I wanted him to be but was unwilling to change. I think this is where all the upset and jealousy stem from, I keep grieving the loss of the relationship, of what I thought the future would be. I have done it once at actual breakup, and this is the second round, of seeing him have that relationship with someone else...

In my experience, a few years down the track from you, he is just putting on the act he knows he needs to put on to lure a new woman in, and will revert to type soon enough.

I have nothing but pity for the woman my ex ended up with. She's very young, attractive, wealthy, her self esteem must be absolutely through the floor to stay with an angry, lying, cheating alcoholic twice her age. By all accounts they are miserable, and my kids (older teens) avoid going round there as much as possible.

As @Mels101 has described - the pangs of jealousy and 'if onlys' are feelings about the relationship you wished it had been. You just have to keep reminding yourself how it really was, how much happier and calmer every day life with your children is now. I'm in this boat too and although I haven't seen exwothanyone I absolutely know that he will be with someone- purely because he leaves malone now and was constantly looking at other women too. It was just one reason I ended it. Stay strong, it's just a feeling, it will pass - you've got this!

There’s no doubt that it’s hard to see an ex move on, because it raises the ‘what if’ or ‘why not me?’ feelings. What I found hard was the feeling that, by him starting a new relationship, I felt erased and invisible. My anecdotal observation is that men find a ‘replacement’ relationship more quickly; this is just based on the experience of me and my women friends who have divorced. It’s like I was never there. It’s not that I want him at all; it’s that his new future is with a stranger.

My wife and I separated in early Oct at after 20 years together (her choice), she was sleeping with another man within days… hurt doesn’t describe the feeling.

We have 2 secondary age children who live with me as she’s moved out to be with him.
She now wants to take the children to a Christmas Carol concert with her boyfriend and introduce them to this “genuinely nice guy”…

It’s not always the man that ruins families and wrecks lives…

I feel your pain OP, stay strong

My wife and I separated in early Oct at after 20 years together (her choice), she was sleeping with another man within days
And probably long before that.

It’s not always the man that ruins families and wrecks lives…
No-one's saying it is. We're discussing how the men we know seem to move on remarkably quickly after a marriage has broken up or a partner has died.
As the OP says, breaking up a marriage is often absolutely the right thing to do. But yes, there are good and bad ways of going about it. And even if you do it the "good" way, it's hard.

@Neverfeltpainlikeit I sympathise with you, my exH cheated on me - more than once I discovered after he had left and I know how hard that is to deal with.

Your wife might have grand plans about introducing her "genuinely nice guy" to your kids and may think that will be easy but older children have their own minds and will have their own view about the new man and about her. And it might not go as she wants it to - even if he is a nice guy. With older children that will be irrelevant - at the end of the day, he's not you.

Kids aren't daft, they see what's going on, they know who is putting them first and who isn't and older children "vote with their feet".

My exH was itching to introduce our kids (both teenagers) to his girlfriend but when he did they didn't like her at all and now avoid her if they can. I haven't met her, don't want to. She's probably perfectly nice but they aren't interested in getting to know her at this stage and that's fine, they don't have to.

Good luck to you, hang in there and carry on being the stable adult in their lives, you're doing a great job.

Id say some self care and get yourself in dating form again

put some energy into your own wellness and beauty

focus in work and trying some new things when he has the kids

make sure you are exercising and eating right

basically a personal revamp ?

and then consider yourself dating again
for fun and getting out ?

@Mels101 older children have their own minds and will have their own view about the new man and about her
True, but at the same time, they may not want to lose or damage their relationship with their parent. My children met the OW on quite a few occasions - tea with their dad and her, for instance, or when she was brought along to family occasions and visits on that side of the family. From what I can tell, they were polite and friendly to her, even if they did not want to become best mates. He's since had a couple of rather odd-sounding relationships, but they've not been outwardly critical towards him; mildly baffled, maybe. I'm hoping this means they are simply not that bothered by what their parents do, as they have their own independent lives now.