Wife seems to hate me and I've reached rock bottom.

[GuitarGuy1]

I’m sorry about the incredibly long post, but I am really struggling at the moment and wanted to get other people’s opinions on the ever-worsening situation between my wife and I.

I feel that whatever I do is never enough for my wife. That she is never happy with me and has lost all respect for me. I wake up every single day wondering how long it will be before she starts criticising me – usually it starts within minutes.

The things I haven’t done, the way I haven’t handled issues with the kids correctly, how something I might suggest is silly or not practical. The list goes on – and it won’t stop until we are asleep.

As forthcoming as she is with the criticism, the compliments never seem to come. Never. It’s like she doesn’t recognise the good in me and what I bring to the family, or if she does, she chooses never to mention it.

I’m not saying I’m perfect. Not at all. But I know I have lots of good qualities, am a good Dad to our kids and put a lot of effort into being a good husband to my wife. Despite my faults, I deserve to feel loved and appreciated – at least some of the time.

It’s hurtful and is really grinding me down and taking its toll. She’s always said that she can’t show me affection or sexual desire unless she is happy, but it has been years now and I constantly make what I believe is a considerable effort to do the things she wants me to do and move ever closer to resembling the person she wants me to be.

I can never be perfect and meet every one of her criteria for the perfect husband and Dad. It’s impossible. But it would be nice, if not life-changing for me (emotionally and physically), to be with a woman who makes me feel like all the good things I do bring to the table count, are valued and appreciated.

It really is hurtful to live each day being made to feel inferior, criticised and unloved. Like nothing I do seems to make her happy. Like she doesn’t even want me around. I have never heard her speak to anyone else the way she speaks to me most days – never.

I put our marriage first. Kids follow closely of course, but I do this because I believe that the parents are the core of a family and if that relationship breaks down it is the whole family who will suffer. This is exactly what we are experiencing now.

I am hardworking, loyal, affectionate, thoughtful and generous. I don’t always take life too seriously and those who know me would say I am fun to be around. I listen and I am caring.

My family is my priority and I would die for each and every one of them.
I think about my wife a lot. I cook lunches for her when I am working at home and bring them up to her whilst she is working. I ask if she would like drinks bringing upstairs and if I go out to the shop I always ask her if she would like anything bringing back. I never forget a birthday, anniversary or important date. I always convey my feelings for her, and appreciation of her, in the cards that I give her and when I talk to her. I tell her I love her. I always compliment her. I support her career endeavours regardless of what they might be, or the financial impact we might need to sustain as a family so she can be happy. I am attracted to her. She does / feels none of these things for me.

I am sociable and get on with people. Her family likes me and appreciates me. I only mention this because I know how much she values social interaction and standing and could not be with someone who didn’t possess these attributes.
I speak highly of her to everyone. Her brother would say I have done more for him over the years than anyone else he knows.

I never have a problem with her going out or away with friends -
on the contrary I only ever encourage it because I know how much she values socialising and how much she benefits from it. Most of the time I am on the receiving end of silly jokes from friends and family (hers included) because of the frequency she goes out, but I always say that a happy wife is a happy life.

I often say to her that even if I don’t necessarily like something she does, or how often she goes out, or share the exact views that she shares – I believe that marriage is about accepting your spouse for who they are and despite their faults. It’s about being able to overlook some things that might annoy you. It’s about being able to not mention some things that might get on your nerves. It’s about being able to be happy when you know your spouse is happy. Not all the time, but some of the time.

I cook lovely dinners, I clean, I keep the house tidy, I wash the clothes, wash-up the dishes and do DIY jobs around the house (although admittedly not enough jobs, and as I know she would say right now, those jobs I do get done aren’t always to the best standard).

On top of this I run a business full time and I have provided for us over the years. Don’t get me wrong, she has provided for us in so many ways too, and been a great Mum to our three children, and I value and appreciate every single contribution and love her for them. We have a gorgeous house in a lovely area, enjoyed many lovely holidays and as a family have never wanted for anything. Yes we have experienced some financial pain over the years as well, but so have most. We have what many would envy.

I am a loving, affectionate and dedicated Dad to our three children. I haven’t missed a parents evening, sports or other event over the last 10 years unless there’s been a very good reason. I instil good values and morals in them and never fail to tell them how proud I am. I tell them I love them every day. I cook for them most days, do homework with them and do bedtimes with them. I am generous and giving and try and encourage them to be the same.

At the weekends, evenings and during holiday time I am always around and doing things with them (and her) – walks in the park, playing football, attending sports clubs, visiting family and friends, watching films, going to events and treating them to lunches and dinners out. I ferry them around all week (as she does) in the form of school drop-offs / pick-ups, lifts to after school / weekend clubs or to their friend’s houses for play dates. I love our children from the bottom of my heart. I do recognise that I am rubbish at sitting down and doing stuff with them though (playing board games etc), but I am trying to improve.

I know she has done more than me for the kids when it comes to bedtimes and forward thinking with school arrangements and planning etc, but I do a massive amount for the kids and love them dearly. She tells me that she always put the kids first, and she does, so much so that she now has all three of them sleeping in bed with her whilst I sleep in the spare room. When the kids are around I can’t get a look-in. I feel like a spare part. She puts me down and criticises me in front of the kids and this makes me feel so hurt. It isn’t good for the kids to hear that either.

Many friends have suggested that maybe she is giving too much to the kids and neglecting our relationship, but she refuses to accept that there may be even an ounce of sense in their comments. Yet here we are, where we are.

She may do more for the kids than I do, but I have valued our relationship more than she has because I always believed that neglecting a marriage, particularly where children are involved, will lead to the very issues we are experiencing now.
Regardless, it’s not that I’m a bad father. She just thinks that I could do more.

Since she left last year (and I still can’t truly understand why she did) and we got back together, I have, in my mind at least, done even more to make (and keep) her happy. I have made what I believe are big personal sacrifices to try and achieve this. She wanted a dog so we got a dog. She wanted a caravan so we got a caravan. She wanted to move out of the family home we have lived in for over 15 years (the home she knows I love) to be 5 miles down the road closer to her parents. This was something I really didn’t want to do, but agreed to it nevertheless as I knew how important it was to her. Never did she consider my wants and desires – it was always about what she wanted.

She’s not perfect either, nobody is, but I can look her in the eye and tell her I love, value and appreciate her despite her faults. I still desire her. I don’t feel the need to criticise her – on the contrary my pleasure comes from complimenting her and focusing on her positives. I really struggle to understand why for years she hasn’t been able to do or say the same for me.

I feel like she has always prioritised the kids over me and that has been hard, but nevertheless I am still clear that I love her and want to be with her.

She has been clear that sexual feelings for me are something she hasn’t experienced for a long time, but despite this I still I love her and want to continue to strive to make our relationship work. I accept and appreciate that these feelings are driven from a place of contentment, appreciation, respect and love.
The problem is I just don’t know what it is she’s looking for. What do I have to be or do to allow her to get the feelings back for me? To look at me again with even just a little bit of love, respect and appreciation instead of hatred and contempt? To pay me the odd compliment instead of constantly criticising me for everything I do.

I wonder every day why she is even with me. I lose hope that I can ever make her happy. I wonder why she can’t just appreciate the good in me and the family we have been blessed with.

I ask myself repeatedly what I could possibly have done to make her dislike / resent me so much – often to the point where she can’t even look at me in the eye or talk to me.

In my mind I replay the fact that she
hasn’t instigated physical contact with me for well over 5 years and how much this has affected me emotionally. When I come on to her, I know that the absolute best I can hope to achieve is a quick session with her during which it is glaringly obvious that she’s not enjoying it and only doing it to keep me quiet. Most of the time though it will be a straightforward rejection. To live like this for years takes its toll, big time, I can assure you. It’s the most earth shattering and destructive feeling and it doesn’t get any better with time. I can honestly say that nothing in my life has affected me anywhere near as much as this has.

I think about why, when I ask her to accept that maybe she too has things she could change which would help us, that it takes two to tango in a relationship, she has never once acknowledged or agreed with this. I think about all this pretty much every night – so much so that it often stops me from sleeping.
She recently said she can talk to other people about the way she feels but not to me. She criticises the way I parent. She criticises my choice of friends and my choice of social activities. She criticises me when I only see certain of my friends and don’t see others. She criticises my family and the way they act. She criticises my choice of activities when I plan something for us (with our without the kids) to do. So after a while, to avoid the criticism, I let her do what she has always liked doing and plan things herself. Then she criticises me for not being pro-active enough. And the list goes on.

It seems I simply can’t win. Nothing I do seems to be enough for her. I really can’t stress enough how much this has taken its toll on me.

In my opinion she is doing nothing to help contribute to making our relationship work. All I hear from her when I raise it is that it’s only me who needs to change. That can’t be right surely? How can someone who loves and respects their partner and who really cares about making their relationship work, maintain that there is nothing they need to change and all the change must come from their partner? That just can’t be right.

I know I am not perfect, but surely neither is she. However I contribute so much to our family, as she does, and I just don’t understand why she can’t love and appreciate me for who I am and the things I do, as I do her.

I often ask myself ‘is there something wrong with me’? ‘Am I really so bad that it is making my wife hate me, can’t come near me physically or even show me any appreciation’? But then I speak to our friends and families who tell me that I’m a good husband, father and do more around the house and for the kids than their own husbands do. That I should be proud and believe in myself.

Whether that’s entirely accurate or not isn’t what I latch on to, but it does make me think that I do enough and am a decent enough husband and father to deserve more than the contempt, disrespect, rejection and anger that she shows towards me every day.

Yet this is all I get and it hurts. She hasn’t told me she loves me for years. She can’t come near me physically. All she has for me is criticism.

I really don’t know what to do anymore. I feel lonely, sad, unloved, undesirable and unappreciated. Every day I wish that today might be the day that she comes to me and tells me that she loves me, wants our relationship to work and is prepared to make some changes too. But that day never comes. She hasn’t told me she loves me in years and she insists that it is only me who needs to change.

Whilst writing this (which incidentally has already proved to be very helpful for me), I have become very conscious that I might sound like a needy, insecure, desperate type of person who lives my life trying to please. But that’s not me. At least not all of the time.

I am a confident, outgoing and ambitious person. I have an active life. I exercise and look after myself. I socialise and do well career wise. I am not afraid to voice my opinions to my wife and often do so.

It’s just that she and our children are the most important things in my life and it’s pulling me apart. The thought of losing her and living as a split family fills me with dread. I really can’t contemplate it.

She left me a couple of years ago and came back. So I know that she could do the same again at any moment. This makes me feel like I have to meet her expectations or I will lose her and my family will be split.
She suffers from severe anxiety / stress and has had counselling for it. She puts a lot on herself (way too much), and often feels like she is failing the children. She worries about what other parents think of her and the way she parents. She gets very stressed sometimes – there are several triggers in particular that can set her off. All this she blames on me.

She grew up in a household where she was criticised a lot and I often wonder whether it is her insecurity, her lack of belief in herself, which she translates into everything being my fault. If this is the reason, I wonder whether it will ever change.

Some of you may be familiar with a book called The Motherhood Complex, by Melissa Hogenboom. I have read this in an attempt to gain a different perspective on things and understand why she might feel and act the way she does towards me. I have spent countless nights reading articles and searching forums for answers.

But then I think back to the first time she admitted she had lost ‘those kind of feelings’ for me (as she put it). That she ‘loves me but was no longer in love with me’ (her words). That was nearly 7 years ago now and I can’t help wonder whether I might be flogging a dead horse. Whether it’s just that I’m simply not the man for her anymore and haven’t been for a long time.

Yet for now I intend to persist. What I am asking her is to please consider that it takes two to tango. That I am not perfect and neither is she. That for us to have a chance will mean she needs to accept some of my faults as I do hers. I have said many times that I will continue to try and improve, but she needs to be prepared to do the same.

It is unlikely that either of us will ever meet the other’s definition of perfect entirely, but knowing who I am, can she love me regardless whilst we work through this and show me some willing?

I don’t think that what I am asking is unreasonable. Not at all. I believe this is a big factor in what marriage is about – a reciprocal effort made consistently by both individuals and driven by a genuine desire to want the relationship to work.
I want nothing more than for us to stay together. Because I love her and also because I love us as a family.

I can only hope that she feels the same and can find it within herself to self-reflect, as I do constantly, accept that not everything is my fault, and work alongside me as husband and wife to try and sort our issues out.

This is all I ask and, despite our problems, as her husband, my commitment to her and our marriage remains fully intact. I will continue to try and better myself for the benefit of us and our family – I just want her to do the same and stop hating me and blaming me for everything.

This is the first time in my life I have posted anything on an online forum. I am here today because, whilst it has been a struggle for a long time now and eats away at me every day, today I woke up and felt like I had hit rock bottom. Like I can’t take anymore.

Please don’t worry, I’ve still got some fight in me, but I know it will really help to hear your views and hopefully to know that I’m not alone.
Sorry again for the ridiculously long post and thank you from the heart for taking the time to read it x

Having said in this case it’s a bit different as it’s clear the OPs wife is obviously absolutely miserable. The marriage is over and she’s just going through the motions.

That's one of the things I learned rather quickly about Mumsnet. There is not a whole lot of room for real world nuance here.

If you have sex to avoid negative consequences then you’re being coerced. Coerced sex is rape.

I don’t agree. Desires are never equally matched.

When I come on to her, I know that the absolute best I can hope to achieve is a quick session with her during which it is glaringly obvious that she’s not enjoying it and only doing it to keep me quiet.

Being capable of having sex with someone when it's 'glaringly obvious' they aren't enjoying it is incredibly grim and unsettling.

This relationship isn't making either of you happy.

It's modelling dysfunctional and unhealthy relationships to your children who are likely to replicate them as adults themselves as they'll think it's normal.

Nobody is benefiting from this relationship.

You need to end the relationship and focus on co-parenting.

And seek some help for being willing and able to have sex with someone you know full well isn't enjoying it. That's really worrying.

ive been in a relationship where my partner completely lost his sex drive so we didn’t have sex. For years. End of story.

you don’t get to insist on having sex with someone who clearly doesn’t want it even if you’re married to them, even if you’ve been married a long time.

Sanity prevails! I don't recognise the black and white world in which some posters live. Marriage involves lots of compromise and going along with things - going to family occasions you really don't want to attend, putting up with the other person's obnoxious friends, occasionally having sex you are not that enthusiastic about because the other person fancies it and it's been ages. Granted, the OPs scenario sounds very unhealthy and no sex should be happening really with that much disdain and possible abuse (by the wife) but in the general run of things, if people only ever had sex when both parties were wildly enthusiastic about it, it wouldn't happen that much. A close female friend of mine reckons her chap would happily nevet have sex again - which she is definitely not ok with - but they gave a great life together so occasionally, yeah she coaxes him and they have a perfectly nice time. He is not being coerced, raped or abused.

@theleafandnotthetree There’s a word of difference between the type of scenario you’ve just described - “they have a perfectly nice time” - and the OPs scenario where it is “glaringly obvious” his wife is not enjoying it, while he bangs away. Reading comprehension, anyone?

Yes having mismatched sex drives is normal in long term relationships, and couples compromise. But you should always STOP if it is “glaringly obvious” the person you’re having sex with is unhappy. Anything short of this is psychopathic and rape. Stop making excuses for this man.

nordix is the one speaking sense here.

it’s not a popular viewpoint among those who are obviously also having crap sex they would rather not have. Just because it’s happening to these posters and they don’t mind, that doesn’t mean that the OPs wife isn’t being coerced.

I'm not making excuses for him and I think sex should certainly be off the table in his scenario. I was more so responding to some posters who seem to regard ANYTHING other than high levels of mutual enthusuasm as coercion or rape. Life in a long relationship is so much more complicated than that. His scenario sounds grim on every level. I still don't consider it rape though.

Dear op, this relationship is not making anyone happy, holding on like this is unhealthy. I myself am going through a divorce with 3 children and it’s the happiest I have been in a very long time, It was a hard decision to make but when you love someone you tell them I tell everyone but I couldn’t say it to my ex h as I didn’t love him anymore I wish you the best and hope you have the support of friends and family around you I really would recommend counselling for yourself to help you with where you are at in this moment especially with Christmas it heightens emotions.

So, OP's not bothering to come back then?

I don't think the sex aspect is the total sum of the mismatch here. It sounds to me like the OPs wife doesn't even seem to like the OP much, if at all. I've been in relationships where I was unenthusiastic about sex (I've rarely been that bothered if I'm honest with myself after the first few years) but I still liked the person . That's difficult too in a different way as it's hard to muster up 'enthusiasm' if it isn't really there- but I personally wouldn't call it rape.

The problem is I just don’t know what it is she’s looking for. What do I have to be or do to allow her to get the feelings back for me?

You leave her, find someone else and live your best life. I have no doubt that is the only thing that will give her pause for thought.

Taking the post at face value. This is an incredibly unhappy place for the op to be. He does by the sounds absolutely nothing for himself.
This relationship is done. LTB.

I hate when projecting posters arrive just to be deliberately snide. Go away.

Im not sure if you are still following this post, but as someone who has been in your wives position and had the life sucked out of her from being miserable for so long, I can tell you what your wife is thinking:

• I don’t love him, I don’t like him, actually I hate him
• Why can’t he see how unhappy I am, and just accept that this marriage is over and move on
• He is not my husband, he is just the father of my kids
• I wish he would leave so I can stay in the house until the kids are grown up (she was probably advised when she left last time that it was a bad move to leave the house)
• Maybe if I am horrible to him he will eventually get sick of it and leave. That will be the happiest day of my life.
• Actually it would be better if he just died, then I don’t have to ever see him again
• When she arrives home and sees your car in the driveway I bet she sits there for a few minutes to gather her thoughts before coming inside
• When you come into a room that she is in, I bet she goes to another room so she is not around you
• She doesn’t plan anything more than a week ahead because she is hoping that you will leave in the next few days, but you never do.
• You take two cars everywhere because she doesn’t want to sit next to you, even for 5 minutes.
• If she does plan a holiday, it is for the kids, so they have happy memories.
• She is stashing cash away for the day when you either leave or die so she has some cash to get by until the affairs are sorted.

You don’t owe your wife any favours but the best thing you can do is tell her that you are going to rent a flat or house close by while you work through a separation of assets and coparenting arrangements.

I know two people who are thinking these thoughts and utterly miserable in their marriages. Can I ask why you didn’t just leave?

Zupermumm

why should HE move out ? That’s seems unfair

get what you are saying but in this scenario he’s not abusive

@RosettaStormer - mostly not capable of sustaining the same lifestyle. But of course the children do notice how the house is so a bit deluded to assume happy memories

Hi all.....thanks a million for all your replies. So many caring people and you've given me a lot to think about.

I'm sorry that I haven't been back here until now. I wanted to respond to some of the many good questions I've been asked and still intend to, but it proved to be a busy end to the week with Christmas etc in play and finding the time is difficult. So in the meantime I thought I'd just let you all know I'm still here and provide some brief context for those who are discussing the sex issue.

I did say that it was glaringly obvious she was only doing it to keep me quiet, which may well have given entirely the wrong impression.

It's not that I keep asking her for it, I have given up on that now. But when I try and talk to her about how I feel, the fact that she hasn't shown me affection and hasn't wanted to be physical with me for so long, is such a big part of the issue it's something that always forms part of any such conversation.

So when I say she is just doing it to keep me quiet, I mean that she might think I won't raise it (and so she won't have to discuss it) if it happens every now and again.

I certainly don't try and coerce her. To give you an example...the last time was when we went to an awards function together and stayed in a hotel for the night. I woke up in the morning in bed next to her, and turned over to put an arm around her and give her a cuddle. She didn't respond in any meaningful way, but she didn't push me off either. We lay there for 10 minutes or so, still half asleep, and then the attraction took over (very natural I would say when a man is lying in bed next to a wife he is very much attracted to).

Clearly she knew that I was becoming increasingly intimate but, again, she didn't push me off or even mention that this was a problem in any way. Not in the slightest. We were even chatting amicably about the night before whilst this was happening.

I 'tried it on' because I am attracted to her physically and hoped that because we were having an incredibly rare night in a hotel together, in a different, relaxed environment and away from the kids, there might be a chance she would be in the mood and could actually enjoy it. This is probably naive of me I know, because as I said, she hasn't been able to get in that 'mood' for a long time now and it increasingly looks like it will ever change.

However, I certainly didn't 'coerce' her and it certainly wasn't rape. There are many counsellors out there who would recommend, in a situation where one or both people in a relationship have lost those sexual feelings, to not stop trying, because the longer you go without it the harder it will become and the further apart you will grow.

Basically I'm just a guy who loves his wife, finds her attractive, and is hanging on to the hope that there's still a chance that one day things might come good again. As I'm writing all this I'm realising how naive some people might think I'm being and why some people might think this is 'weird'. However, to these people, I would say that until you've been in this position yourself and felt the pain, you'll never know how difficult and complicated it is.

Thanks again to all of you for taking the time to trawl though my very long post. Reading your replies is helping me more than I can say.

This may be hard for you to hear but sex which only one of you wants to be having is called rape. It may very well be quite an awful situation for you too but raping your wife does not lead to a happy fulfilled sex life where she is brimming with affection and praise for your many worthwhile qualities.

Stop doing that. I mean it. Whether you stay together or not she'll need therapy.

STOP.
This relationship is over and was the first time she walked out.

She doesn’t respect you because she thinks you’re not good enough for her. And the reason she thinks this is because you are too obliging. Start putting yourself first for once.

No, she doesn't like him because he keeps groping her when she doesn't want to fuck him and he's shit in bed

Yes, OP. she didn't fight you off. Well done. When your daughter tells you one day that she didn't want to have sex with her boyfriend but didn't fight him off you can explain how it's perfectly healthy for him to fancy her and fuck her without her permission when she clearly doesn't want it. Because he fancies her.

Learn the basics about sex. Women aren't just warm holes. They're supposed to enjoy it, not just grimace through it.

I would guess that maybe your wife was quite enjoying the chat and the change of scene, but inevitably you wanted sex and she thought ‘oh no, here we go again’. Sex starts in the head. This is something most men just don’t understand. Mental and emotional intimacy comes first. Not for all women, but for most I believe. Attraction is not just physical. It doesn’t sound to me like you have the first clue who your wife really is. What she thinks, what she feels, what she wants. You don’t sound like you really communicate at all. On that occasion in the hotel, you were talking about the night before. A bit of intimacy. Instead of building in that, you wanted sex. I’m guessing your wife knows that any closeness will result in you wanting sex, so she avoids it.

You have deep and real issues . Have you both tried relationship counselling? If not, I would sort that out if your wife is willing. Otherwise, I think most posters here believe your marriage is well and truly over. You don’t seem to be taking that in. You can’t flog a dead horse. If your wife isn’t interested in you in the wider sense, and doesn’t want to work on your marriage, you need to let her go with love and stop forcing the issue.