I’m sorry about the incredibly long post, but I am really struggling at the moment and wanted to get other people’s opinions on the ever-worsening situation between my wife and I.
I feel that whatever I do is never enough for my wife. That she is never happy with me and has lost all respect for me. I wake up every single day wondering how long it will be before she starts criticising me – usually it starts within minutes.
The things I haven’t done, the way I haven’t handled issues with the kids correctly, how something I might suggest is silly or not practical. The list goes on – and it won’t stop until we are asleep.
As forthcoming as she is with the criticism, the compliments never seem to come. Never. It’s like she doesn’t recognise the good in me and what I bring to the family, or if she does, she chooses never to mention it.
I’m not saying I’m perfect. Not at all. But I know I have lots of good qualities, am a good Dad to our kids and put a lot of effort into being a good husband to my wife. Despite my faults, I deserve to feel loved and appreciated – at least some of the time.
It’s hurtful and is really grinding me down and taking its toll. She’s always said that she can’t show me affection or sexual desire unless she is happy, but it has been years now and I constantly make what I believe is a considerable effort to do the things she wants me to do and move ever closer to resembling the person she wants me to be.
I can never be perfect and meet every one of her criteria for the perfect husband and Dad. It’s impossible. But it would be nice, if not life-changing for me (emotionally and physically), to be with a woman who makes me feel like all the good things I do bring to the table count, are valued and appreciated.
It really is hurtful to live each day being made to feel inferior, criticised and unloved. Like nothing I do seems to make her happy. Like she doesn’t even want me around. I have never heard her speak to anyone else the way she speaks to me most days – never.
I put our marriage first. Kids follow closely of course, but I do this because I believe that the parents are the core of a family and if that relationship breaks down it is the whole family who will suffer. This is exactly what we are experiencing now.
I am hardworking, loyal, affectionate, thoughtful and generous. I don’t always take life too seriously and those who know me would say I am fun to be around. I listen and I am caring.
My family is my priority and I would die for each and every one of them.
I think about my wife a lot. I cook lunches for her when I am working at home and bring them up to her whilst she is working. I ask if she would like drinks bringing upstairs and if I go out to the shop I always ask her if she would like anything bringing back. I never forget a birthday, anniversary or important date. I always convey my feelings for her, and appreciation of her, in the cards that I give her and when I talk to her. I tell her I love her. I always compliment her. I support her career endeavours regardless of what they might be, or the financial impact we might need to sustain as a family so she can be happy. I am attracted to her. She does / feels none of these things for me.
I am sociable and get on with people. Her family likes me and appreciates me. I only mention this because I know how much she values social interaction and standing and could not be with someone who didn’t possess these attributes.
I speak highly of her to everyone. Her brother would say I have done more for him over the years than anyone else he knows.
I never have a problem with her going out or away with friends -
on the contrary I only ever encourage it because I know how much she values socialising and how much she benefits from it. Most of the time I am on the receiving end of silly jokes from friends and family (hers included) because of the frequency she goes out, but I always say that a happy wife is a happy life.
I often say to her that even if I don’t necessarily like something she does, or how often she goes out, or share the exact views that she shares – I believe that marriage is about accepting your spouse for who they are and despite their faults. It’s about being able to overlook some things that might annoy you. It’s about being able to not mention some things that might get on your nerves. It’s about being able to be happy when you know your spouse is happy. Not all the time, but some of the time.
I cook lovely dinners, I clean, I keep the house tidy, I wash the clothes, wash-up the dishes and do DIY jobs around the house (although admittedly not enough jobs, and as I know she would say right now, those jobs I do get done aren’t always to the best standard).
On top of this I run a business full time and I have provided for us over the years. Don’t get me wrong, she has provided for us in so many ways too, and been a great Mum to our three children, and I value and appreciate every single contribution and love her for them. We have a gorgeous house in a lovely area, enjoyed many lovely holidays and as a family have never wanted for anything. Yes we have experienced some financial pain over the years as well, but so have most. We have what many would envy.
I am a loving, affectionate and dedicated Dad to our three children. I haven’t missed a parents evening, sports or other event over the last 10 years unless there’s been a very good reason. I instil good values and morals in them and never fail to tell them how proud I am. I tell them I love them every day. I cook for them most days, do homework with them and do bedtimes with them. I am generous and giving and try and encourage them to be the same.
At the weekends, evenings and during holiday time I am always around and doing things with them (and her) – walks in the park, playing football, attending sports clubs, visiting family and friends, watching films, going to events and treating them to lunches and dinners out. I ferry them around all week (as she does) in the form of school drop-offs / pick-ups, lifts to after school / weekend clubs or to their friend’s houses for play dates. I love our children from the bottom of my heart. I do recognise that I am rubbish at sitting down and doing stuff with them though (playing board games etc), but I am trying to improve.
I know she has done more than me for the kids when it comes to bedtimes and forward thinking with school arrangements and planning etc, but I do a massive amount for the kids and love them dearly. She tells me that she always put the kids first, and she does, so much so that she now has all three of them sleeping in bed with her whilst I sleep in the spare room. When the kids are around I can’t get a look-in. I feel like a spare part. She puts me down and criticises me in front of the kids and this makes me feel so hurt. It isn’t good for the kids to hear that either.
Many friends have suggested that maybe she is giving too much to the kids and neglecting our relationship, but she refuses to accept that there may be even an ounce of sense in their comments. Yet here we are, where we are.
She may do more for the kids than I do, but I have valued our relationship more than she has because I always believed that neglecting a marriage, particularly where children are involved, will lead to the very issues we are experiencing now.
Regardless, it’s not that I’m a bad father. She just thinks that I could do more.
Since she left last year (and I still can’t truly understand why she did) and we got back together, I have, in my mind at least, done even more to make (and keep) her happy. I have made what I believe are big personal sacrifices to try and achieve this. She wanted a dog so we got a dog. She wanted a caravan so we got a caravan. She wanted to move out of the family home we have lived in for over 15 years (the home she knows I love) to be 5 miles down the road closer to her parents. This was something I really didn’t want to do, but agreed to it nevertheless as I knew how important it was to her. Never did she consider my wants and desires – it was always about what she wanted.
She’s not perfect either, nobody is, but I can look her in the eye and tell her I love, value and appreciate her despite her faults. I still desire her. I don’t feel the need to criticise her – on the contrary my pleasure comes from complimenting her and focusing on her positives. I really struggle to understand why for years she hasn’t been able to do or say the same for me.
I feel like she has always prioritised the kids over me and that has been hard, but nevertheless I am still clear that I love her and want to be with her.
She has been clear that sexual feelings for me are something she hasn’t experienced for a long time, but despite this I still I love her and want to continue to strive to make our relationship work. I accept and appreciate that these feelings are driven from a place of contentment, appreciation, respect and love.
The problem is I just don’t know what it is she’s looking for. What do I have to be or do to allow her to get the feelings back for me? To look at me again with even just a little bit of love, respect and appreciation instead of hatred and contempt? To pay me the odd compliment instead of constantly criticising me for everything I do.
I wonder every day why she is even with me. I lose hope that I can ever make her happy. I wonder why she can’t just appreciate the good in me and the family we have been blessed with.
I ask myself repeatedly what I could possibly have done to make her dislike / resent me so much – often to the point where she can’t even look at me in the eye or talk to me.
In my mind I replay the fact that she
hasn’t instigated physical contact with me for well over 5 years and how much this has affected me emotionally. When I come on to her, I know that the absolute best I can hope to achieve is a quick session with her during which it is glaringly obvious that she’s not enjoying it and only doing it to keep me quiet. Most of the time though it will be a straightforward rejection. To live like this for years takes its toll, big time, I can assure you. It’s the most earth shattering and destructive feeling and it doesn’t get any better with time. I can honestly say that nothing in my life has affected me anywhere near as much as this has.
I think about why, when I ask her to accept that maybe she too has things she could change which would help us, that it takes two to tango in a relationship, she has never once acknowledged or agreed with this. I think about all this pretty much every night – so much so that it often stops me from sleeping.
She recently said she can talk to other people about the way she feels but not to me. She criticises the way I parent. She criticises my choice of friends and my choice of social activities. She criticises me when I only see certain of my friends and don’t see others. She criticises my family and the way they act. She criticises my choice of activities when I plan something for us (with our without the kids) to do. So after a while, to avoid the criticism, I let her do what she has always liked doing and plan things herself. Then she criticises me for not being pro-active enough. And the list goes on.
It seems I simply can’t win. Nothing I do seems to be enough for her. I really can’t stress enough how much this has taken its toll on me.
In my opinion she is doing nothing to help contribute to making our relationship work. All I hear from her when I raise it is that it’s only me who needs to change. That can’t be right surely? How can someone who loves and respects their partner and who really cares about making their relationship work, maintain that there is nothing they need to change and all the change must come from their partner? That just can’t be right.
I know I am not perfect, but surely neither is she. However I contribute so much to our family, as she does, and I just don’t understand why she can’t love and appreciate me for who I am and the things I do, as I do her.
I often ask myself ‘is there something wrong with me’? ‘Am I really so bad that it is making my wife hate me, can’t come near me physically or even show me any appreciation’? But then I speak to our friends and families who tell me that I’m a good husband, father and do more around the house and for the kids than their own husbands do. That I should be proud and believe in myself.
Whether that’s entirely accurate or not isn’t what I latch on to, but it does make me think that I do enough and am a decent enough husband and father to deserve more than the contempt, disrespect, rejection and anger that she shows towards me every day.
Yet this is all I get and it hurts. She hasn’t told me she loves me for years. She can’t come near me physically. All she has for me is criticism.
I really don’t know what to do anymore. I feel lonely, sad, unloved, undesirable and unappreciated. Every day I wish that today might be the day that she comes to me and tells me that she loves me, wants our relationship to work and is prepared to make some changes too. But that day never comes. She hasn’t told me she loves me in years and she insists that it is only me who needs to change.
Whilst writing this (which incidentally has already proved to be very helpful for me), I have become very conscious that I might sound like a needy, insecure, desperate type of person who lives my life trying to please. But that’s not me. At least not all of the time.
I am a confident, outgoing and ambitious person. I have an active life. I exercise and look after myself. I socialise and do well career wise. I am not afraid to voice my opinions to my wife and often do so.
It’s just that she and our children are the most important things in my life and it’s pulling me apart. The thought of losing her and living as a split family fills me with dread. I really can’t contemplate it.
She left me a couple of years ago and came back. So I know that she could do the same again at any moment. This makes me feel like I have to meet her expectations or I will lose her and my family will be split.
She suffers from severe anxiety / stress and has had counselling for it. She puts a lot on herself (way too much), and often feels like she is failing the children. She worries about what other parents think of her and the way she parents. She gets very stressed sometimes – there are several triggers in particular that can set her off. All this she blames on me.
She grew up in a household where she was criticised a lot and I often wonder whether it is her insecurity, her lack of belief in herself, which she translates into everything being my fault. If this is the reason, I wonder whether it will ever change.
Some of you may be familiar with a book called The Motherhood Complex, by Melissa Hogenboom. I have read this in an attempt to gain a different perspective on things and understand why she might feel and act the way she does towards me. I have spent countless nights reading articles and searching forums for answers.
But then I think back to the first time she admitted she had lost ‘those kind of feelings’ for me (as she put it). That she ‘loves me but was no longer in love with me’ (her words). That was nearly 7 years ago now and I can’t help wonder whether I might be flogging a dead horse. Whether it’s just that I’m simply not the man for her anymore and haven’t been for a long time.
Yet for now I intend to persist. What I am asking her is to please consider that it takes two to tango. That I am not perfect and neither is she. That for us to have a chance will mean she needs to accept some of my faults as I do hers. I have said many times that I will continue to try and improve, but she needs to be prepared to do the same.
It is unlikely that either of us will ever meet the other’s definition of perfect entirely, but knowing who I am, can she love me regardless whilst we work through this and show me some willing?
I don’t think that what I am asking is unreasonable. Not at all. I believe this is a big factor in what marriage is about – a reciprocal effort made consistently by both individuals and driven by a genuine desire to want the relationship to work.
I want nothing more than for us to stay together. Because I love her and also because I love us as a family.
I can only hope that she feels the same and can find it within herself to self-reflect, as I do constantly, accept that not everything is my fault, and work alongside me as husband and wife to try and sort our issues out.
This is all I ask and, despite our problems, as her husband, my commitment to her and our marriage remains fully intact. I will continue to try and better myself for the benefit of us and our family – I just want her to do the same and stop hating me and blaming me for everything.
This is the first time in my life I have posted anything on an online forum. I am here today because, whilst it has been a struggle for a long time now and eats away at me every day, today I woke up and felt like I had hit rock bottom. Like I can’t take anymore.
Please don’t worry, I’ve still got some fight in me, but I know it will really help to hear your views and hopefully to know that I’m not alone.
Sorry again for the ridiculously long post and thank you from the heart for taking the time to read it x