Would you be suspicious about this?

[Sullyna]

I'm going spare here going over and over this.

Dh had an affair - I found out about it this time 5 years ago. He did the usual begging to be forgiven etc, was very repentant. But then I found out two years later, they'd been back in touch. More tears, more begging etc. Took him back again.

Things have been pretty crap since then but we've ploughed on mainly for dc. I told him any more contact of any kind, no matter how little, that was it. Tbh, im pretty disgusted with myself for not having the strength to boot him out the first time I found out but there you go.

Anyway, earlier this year he was contacted by someone (let's call this someone Ann) who said they'd been given his name by a client, and would he quote on a job for her. He did the quote, didn't get the job. I found out a couple of weeks ago that Ann is working for the ow. I asked dh if ow was the client who recommended him.

He won't tell me. Says he doesn't know who the client was, didn't ask etc. I don't believe him - surely one of the first things you'd ask Ann is "who recommended me to you?" The fact he won't tell me makes me think it was ow.

Is there anything in this situation that should worry me? If it was ow who recommended him then I'm upset he even went to quote. And what if he'd got the job? Would they have got back in touch through Ann? Don't know what to think

He has destroyed your trust in him.
Whether or not they got back in touch, I don't know, but I would suspect it.
Your DC will sense that all is not well.

Thanks for reply Kirsten. Dc appear to be fine - we've tried to put on a front for them.

Sounds like he has a bit of a secret second life going on not necessarily cheating on you but they haven't cut it off completely so if they each ever need any work doing, well, they wouldn't think twice about contacting each other. From their POV they would say that nothing is going on between them so what's the problem. They problem is obvious to anyone who's been in your situation. It seems highly coincidental that Ann works for OW but it's a small world sometimes. Balance of probabilities is that Ann mentioned she needed work doing and OW said to contact him.

Doesn’t sounds much like he ever truly committed to earning back and then keeping your trust again after his affair.

Out of interest how did you find out there was a connection between Ann and the OW?

Yes @Christmaspass I agree with all of what you've said. I don't want there to be any connection between them at all, including her recommending him for work. Obviously I can't control that, and arguably it's not a rational way to think. But he knows how this had nearly killed me, and for him to have any link, regardless of how small, is not acceptable to me.

@StickyCricket a good friend of mine, who also knows Ann, bumped into Ann in a cafe. Ann was with someone and introduced her to the mutual friend. Mutual friend clocked the name and started asking questions.

I was in a similar situation to you @Sullyna so I completely understand why you don't want any link at all.
If OW had recommended him to Ann without any contact with him at all then the right thing he should've done was to tell you. Say to you, look, this has happened, I didn't ask for it, what do you want me to do?
You're going to be hypervigilant so there needs to be total transparency from him.

Again @Christmaspass I agree with you, and I'm sorry you've been in a similar situation. He claims he didn't know it was ow who recommended him - maybe, just maybe he didn't know when he and Ann first spoke on the phone. But surely, when he was actually with Ann doing the quote, she'd have told him.

If you have to behave like this and make demands to keep your husband faithful as you think he will be off shagging again otherwise your marriage is dead in the water. Dictating to him he can’t quote or whatever isn’t going to stop him. You can’t lock him up and control what he does.

you don’t trust him. Why are you staying, is it for the money?

If you press him on it and it was recommendation from OW then he will tell you that he didn't want to mention her because he didn't want to upset you. The chances are he would be telling the truth. Their brains work differently to ours and they think that's the best option, not realising that our brains are working overtime trying to make connections and noticing when something's not quite right.

Very cruel post and displays an ignorance about the trauma experienced following the revelation of a betrayal.

I know I can't control him @Winterswomderer . I don't want to control him. I just want him to be completely open with me after everything he put me through.

It’s not cruel . It’s accurate. If you need to control and monitor it’s over . Many people stay for financial reasons. Saying so isn’t cruel.

And that’s fair enough op, but the thing is if he wants to see her or cheat again, he isn’t going to do this. So you need to decide will you trust him or not? I understand it’s hard. But there it is. You’ve had years of this. It’s time to call it I am afraid

I am sure OP doesn't want to control and monitor. @Winterswomderer
The monitoring is an unfortunate result from hypervigilance, which is a known phenomenon in PTSD.
Nothing in OP's posts mention financial reasons. It sounds to me like OP wants the marriage to work but that she's still floundering and has not yet processed what happened to her.

I've stayed to now for the usual reasons, ie dc, finances etc. Also, we've been together forever

Well, It does sound like OW recommended your DH to Ann.

Coincidences like this are really quite rare. I mean what are the chances of Ann just happening to work for OW?

Sorry, but OW and your DH are still very much in contact.

I think OW recommending your DH to someone just wouldn't happen if they were no longer in contact.

And then theres the mystery of him not knowing who recommended him to Ann. Like you say, surely that is the first thing you'd ask. I very much suspect he had already met Ann, probably through visiting the OW and got asked to quote that way.

Sorry OP. But I think from the first 2 times, and now this, I'd be packing his bags.

DH might be still in touch with OW - he might not be. And you can't know why OW recommended DH to Ann - shit stirring possibly?

As for asking who recommended him for the work - I've often contacted people on a recommendation and quite often do not get asked who gave me the person's name so you could well be reading too much into this.

You either believe him or you don't

Winterswomderer has a point tho - the problem is when you're policing him, it's bad for your MH and your relationship, and it does lead to controlling behaviours. Your mutual friend isn't really doing you any favours, passing on information about fairly tenuous links to the OW.

Either you're all in, and you need to trust & let it go - or you might actually find it a relief to let him go (I did in the end).

I don't think it's reasonable to expect him to turn down work from people who work for OW. She exists, she will know people, they may be mutual acquaintances. Yes, it's bloody hard, but it does no-one any good to re-open the can of worms every time.

The problem is, you don't trust him, quite rightly, and it doesn't seem to be rebuilt 5 years on. Maybe it's time to give it up.

You don’t trust him. You can’t trust him. You deserved better Even if he’s “innocent” this time it’s still ok to choose to put yourself first.

Thank for the further responses. It's so difficult knowing what to do for the best, I can't think straight these days. My mental health has taken a huge hit since all this began.

He's a real conundrum to me these days. On the one hand, swears blind it's me and the dc he wants, we are his life, he's nothing without us. But he said all that sort of stuff to me when I first found out - there were tears, there was begging, there was "it's the biggest mistake of my life" etc. And then a couple of years later I find out they've been back in touch (supposedly only via calls and texts, not in person). I told him at that point that if she meant so much to him he should leave but I got all the "she means nothing" etc.

This latest incident has churned everything up again. In fact, lots of things churn it all up - adverts on the tv, music on the radio, particular accents. I'm not ever getting over this am I? :(.

Sounds dodgy, but regardless of that what I read is he cheated, then contacted her again (why?!) and then you have been miserable. However I know it’s not as easy to just leave especially with children involved. I feel for you, when they do things to break trust it makes us forever question our sanity and it’s no way to live, you deserve better x

I think your marriage is over, tbh. You're staying for the kids but no matter how well you think you're hiding your feelings, your dc will pick up on it.

Sorry, but OW and your DH are still very much in contact.

And you know this for sure how exactly??

I recommend other businesses all the time, it has no correlation to how often or even if I am still in contact with that person. I recommended a roofing company last week - they did a great job for me about 3 years ago. I've not had any contact with them since that time, it was a simple recommendation when someone said "does anyone know a good roofer?".

I phoned a boiler repair man today - he'd been recommended to me. At no point in the coversation did he ask how I'd heard of him and who (if anyone) recommended him.

To suggest that the OP tells him to pack his bags because he was asked to quote on a job is more than a little extreme in my view.

Yes I expect the dc will pick up, they're not small and they're not stupid. Youngest is 15. I need to find the backbone to get out. We've been together since our teens :(.