Would you be suspicious about this?

[Sullyna]

I'm going spare here going over and over this.

Dh had an affair - I found out about it this time 5 years ago. He did the usual begging to be forgiven etc, was very repentant. But then I found out two years later, they'd been back in touch. More tears, more begging etc. Took him back again.

Things have been pretty crap since then but we've ploughed on mainly for dc. I told him any more contact of any kind, no matter how little, that was it. Tbh, im pretty disgusted with myself for not having the strength to boot him out the first time I found out but there you go.

Anyway, earlier this year he was contacted by someone (let's call this someone Ann) who said they'd been given his name by a client, and would he quote on a job for her. He did the quote, didn't get the job. I found out a couple of weeks ago that Ann is working for the ow. I asked dh if ow was the client who recommended him.

He won't tell me. Says he doesn't know who the client was, didn't ask etc. I don't believe him - surely one of the first things you'd ask Ann is "who recommended me to you?" The fact he won't tell me makes me think it was ow.

Is there anything in this situation that should worry me? If it was ow who recommended him then I'm upset he even went to quote. And what if he'd got the job? Would they have got back in touch through Ann? Don't know what to think

You will get over this but it will take time. Lots of time. People who expect you to be 'over' it in a couple of years don't understand trauma.
Looking at this whole situation objectively, I would bet that OW has recommended your husband to Ann. What's not clear is under what context? Possibly with the intention of shit-stirring? Possibly because she wants to be the 'cool' ex AP who can be 'friends' with her ex 'partner-in-crime'? Possibly with the intention of opening up a new line of communication with your husband? Possibly because she thinks he's the best person for the job? Or possibly because she and your husband are still in regular contact. How likely is the last option? Because that's the only option you really need to concern yourself with.

OP, could he explain why he got back in touch with her if she meant nothing to him? Did she contact him first? What were they talking about?

I could imagine Anna not specifying who recommended her and him not asking, it depends on situation - does it make a difference for your DH’ s business who recommended him ?
I could also imagine him not telling you just because he didn’t want to rock the boat.
I could also imagine Anna knowing about their relationship and knowing about your DH’s business and asking OW if he was a good electrician/ vet/ gardener/ plumber etc and OW answering : Bloody good, tbh and that’s the end of it.
So it’s up to you to choose what scenario you believe.
if you live in a small place it’s very difficult to escape connections between people.

I don’t understand men who can do this to women they supposedly love.

We do live in a fairly small town and dh is very good at what he does. But my issue is why didn't he tell me who had recommended him to Ann - I think he would've asked this question. I don't know, maybe I'm wrong - he says I'm wrong but I just don't know if I can believe him any more. I'm so tired of all this uncertainty.

You are so tired op, trauma is exhausting and impossible for many to understand especially if your were a long union.

I think you are finding this too hard to cope with, on the one hand you have to place trust in them to create intimacy again but you don't feel safe. It's so very difficult to let down those walls of control that enable you to relax and not be hypervigilant.

Even the thought at the moment of saying you will end it probably has you spiralling into panic, you don't feel strong enough yet.

Allow yourself time at the moment to understand your feelings, you are not wrong for feeling insecure still after all this time as you are finding connections as a pp said, you know these connections will never stop in some way or another due to the nature of your h's buisness.

To overcome this fear the only true way is cut yourself off from the uncertainty, he obviously has the type of life that is not conducive to making you feel secure, you have to ask yourself will you ever cope with this.

5 years is a long time but I've known women suffer for much longer, in fact it never went away, the decision is yours and I wish you well, such a hard battle for you.

Tell him you won't accept him working for any of ow's friends, tell him it's humiliating as you don't know if they know your buisness.

She sounds a madam for still expecting some influence over him or his name, she's grasping at staws by the sounds of it.

for you

It's a difficult spot to be in, I feel for you. Looking at the bigger picture rather than focusing on this latest possibility, your pain is because what is, is different to how you want it to be. However the infidelity that you're fearing now, has really already taken place. Your big fear has already been realised. Nothing can take you back to a place where your husband hasn't been unfaithful.

Part of the deal of remaining in the marriage is acceptance that he was unfaithful and broke your trust, and you will send yourself literally mad policing him going forward.

Your children are older and becoming more independent, could you focus on yourself rather than him while you decide what to do? Leaving won't undo what has happened like a magic wand either, although unless he can commit to your marriage by actively agreeing to work with you to rebuild the trust he destroyed it may be a better option for you.

Maybe engage with a good therapist who can help you work through this, and build yourself up, focus your energy on friendships, book a couple of girls weekends, some days out, a course in something just for you, fill your diary with things that you want to do for the next six months. This isn't going to "think" itself right.

I guarantee that in the summer you'll be feeling at least a bit stronger with a bit more perspective, and in a better place to make a decision whatever you decide to do.

Of course you don’t trust him; how can you given he’s already had an affair and then stayed in contact with her? Make some plans for the new year about how you can leave him

I would suggest you and DH haven't been really open about everything. This isn't a very mumsnetty response so bear with me.

Yes you are wounded and he has cheated. You now want him to sit with that discomfort and get on with his life, while you try to avoid your discomfort and shut everything down that could hurt you. But the way out isn't by retreat like that. The way out is to go through.

Be radically honest with each other. He wanted this woman. There's something in him, sexually, or in terms of his identity, or how he perceives himself to be, that won't let him meet his needs in his normal life. And all that grovelling "She meant nothing! A mistake!" is him further denying his needs.His work is to find a way to understand what needs he's acting out and to be brave enough to share them with you.

You meanwhile find it so painful that he could shag someone else you don't want to look at it straight. Your work is to build yourself, and heal the attachment wound, probably from childhood & wider culture, that tells you the world is ending when a partner doesn't want you exclusively. Then you can let him go emotionally, free yourself from pain, so the stuff you really need comes out and you can both decide whether you want to meet each other's needs. (Exclusivity as a choice is great! But not if it's forced on you by your own fear, so to speak)

If you can do this the conversation moves from recriminations and mistrust to a much deeper communication and you know what each other would do at a deep level. So whether he sees OW or not becomes irrelevant. Truth happens and you can genuinely forget the lies he told because he is trusting you with his deep truth and honouring yours.

At the moment you are both keeping each other in pain - you are howling as an abandoned child, he's self flagellating and performing remorse but inside will have a little secret selfish core saying "But I had needs, too". And if you don't both change it'll happen again.

So in summary...therapy is good, with an open minded therapist who doesn't do guilt.

Is this any way to live ?

My mental health has taken a huge hit since all this began No man is worth that

"Be radically honest with each other. He wanted this woman. There's something in him, sexually, or in terms of his identity, or how he perceives himself to be, that won't let him meet his needs in his normal life. And all that grovelling "She meant nothing! A mistake!" is him further denying his needs.His work is to find a way to understand what needs he's acting out and to be brave enough to share them with you. "

This.

As someone who had an affair i know that watching him and putting rules in place will have no impact on whether he cheats again - the only thing that will address that will be identifying what led him to cheat in the first place, what isn't he getting from your marriage?

Unless you identify that, then stay for the kids and the finances but do so being willing to accept he also be with the OW or someone else

It’s broken
tbh OW recommending him your DH has no control or input in that
as for telling you he’s doomed if he does and doomed if he doesn’t flame me now but I’d take the path of least resistance and not tell you
the issue isn’t about the recommendation you don’t trust him and always on high alert
many couples get over affairs but the only way you can do this is if you both accept what’s happened bury it and move on

5 years later it’s still rearing it’s head this is not going to work long term

Pfft to "what isn't he getting from his marriage". There doesn't have to be something missing from a relationship for someone to cheat.

It can be just the energy of new lust, getting a bit of strange, ego boost of someone else fancying them. You can't put that into a marriage.

@Baileysandcream
well quite, and I recommend people who’ve done work for me too.

But that’s the key, they’d done work for me. I hadn’t been having an affair with any of them. That’s the difference.

I can’t imagine recommending an ex lover I was no longer in contact with ir had anything to do with.

it could just be a huge coincidence. But like someone said, he would of asked who recommended him. And at that point should of told op, look this has happened, ow recommended me to this person she works with. What do you want me to do?

He won't tell me. Says he doesn't know who the client was, didn't ask etc. I don't believe him - surely one of the first things you'd ask Ann is "who recommended me to you?"

Not really. I was self-employed for over a decade, plenty of clients got in touch because I'd been recommended. Sometimes they told me who did the recommending, sometimes they didn't. I didn't really ask that often.

The OW making a professional recommendation to another person is not something you or your husband can control and she doesn't need to be in contact with him to do it. I've recommended people I haven't spoken to in years, because I know they're good at their job.

But obviously this issue isn't the actual issue, which is that you don't trust your husband, and that's fully understandable. You're now stuck in a relationship with no trust and that's a horrible way to live.

The best option is to end the marriage, which you know - you know you shouldn't have taken him back. I know this is easier said than done but every small step you take towards doing it is a positive.

If you don't end it, you have to find a way to trust your husband again. But it's on him to do the work on that front, and it's not on you to force it if you just can't get there again.

The thing is those are the only options, if you don't want to keep tormenting yourself like this.

@category12 I agree, it's not something as simple as you're "not getting something at home". It is what's in you that makes those incredibly appealing things (bit of strange, ego boost etc) so needful to you that your urgent desires go against the rest of your self. Fidelity to promises usually is something people want to do. People like to be congruent. When we're not congruent there's a reason. If we don't understand it, we can't tame it, and it drives us.

You say you don’t believe him anymore, therefore there is understandably no trust, meaning their is no relationship. Trust is a huge part in every relationship.

he is making you question everything that’s happening and that’s no way to live..

what advice would you give your child if they told you they were being treated like you are?