I don't want to change myself? Anxiety and therapy related.

[OddSocksAndHollyhocks]

OK, odd one.

DH and I have been having marriage counselling, mostly to address our poor communication. Our relationship isn't terrible, in many ways it's good. But we have very different communication styles and both feel unvalidated and argue a lot.

Anyway. Therapist seems to have struggled to find a solution for us or to "solve" us as a couple. He's tried all the standards - finding shared passions, looking at our childhood and saying we're repeating parental patterns, suggesting mindfulness. In the last session, he seems to have settled on my anxiety and is now saying it's the cause of everything. He wanted me to name my anxiety and give it a colour and see it as separate to me...presumably so I could banish it.

The thing is, I've lived with my anxiety forever. I'm a very high functioning anxious person. I'm anxious about pretty much everything, have constant voices in my head BUT it doesn't stop me. I have a great career, friends. If I want to do something, i do it. It just often takes me a lot of self reasoning or finding a way I feel more comfortable with to achieve the same result. Its only when DH is in the equation that it gets more complicated as he thinks he's protecting me by just saying we won't do things that could make me anxious. When in reality, that's making me feel like I'm in a cage where I never get to actually live.

I don't feel like I need to get rid of my anxiety. But therapist has pinned it as the cause of all our problems. I feel like that's just an easy cop out. Not sure what to do next...

Precisely! This is part of my thinking. No, this has not been remotely addressed and there are other things like this too. Of course I expected myself and how I act to be part of the issue, but I don't think it's the only one...it's too easy to just find a "known thing" and blame it for everything. And I'm actually a pedantically rational person; I don't think a number of my expectations are unreasonable or irrational.

Yes.

Fortunately my friends don't seem to feel that way

What do you want to keep the anxiety for?

Other than stubbornness, which I get, but one has to be sensible.

But your DH clearly does.

Your description sounds like my adhd (it's just like an inner bouncy dog, rather than a miserable one). It's perfectly liveable with & my DH copes fine.

Maybe some acceptance therapy for both of you instead? Neither of yiu are going to change.

which needs to be topped up and maintained too - for each of my many various triggers

It really doesn't. Anyone telling you that is more interested in fees than results.

I disagree with a lot of responses to this thread! Anxiety is normal in life. Why would you want to medicate it away? It’s linked to good evaluation of risk and useful in lots of contexts: keeping babies and children safe; managing resources; identifying unsafe situations.

Has anyone suggested you try another counsellor - this one doesn’t sound that skilled.

or, heaven forbid, consider that you and your DH aren’t compatible? There will be people out there who aren’t phased by your worry routines one bit. My dp is a bit of a worrier but it doesn’t bother me much. Helps that he can compartmentalise by getting all out in 15/20 mins, then move on to another topic.

OP, do you see yourself as having an anxiety disorder or simply as having an anxious personality?

Anxiety (or more strictly neuroticism which can manifest as anxiety) can simply be a personality trait. Where it becomes a disorder is a bit of a grey area- does it affect your ability to function and quality of life?

If you simply see yourself as having an anxious personality then I understand completely that you wouldn't want to change it through medication simply to fit in better with your husband- we all have personality traits which make us easier or more difficult to live with, and I find the idea that we all need to smooth out our rough edges to make life easier for our husbands pretty Stepford Wives.

Obviously none of us can tell you the answer to this but I would resist any argument that you must have an anxiety disorder which requires treatment simply in virtue of the fact you'd be easier to live with if you were a bit different (wouldn't we all?) I'd suggest you maybe explore this with your own therapist rather than as part of marriage counselling.

Of course, whether the anxiety is a disorder or just your personality doesn't solve the problem if it's causing tensions- you'd simply be looking at a clash of personalities rather than a disorder in need of treatment. But that might be a way of seeing things that more accurately reflects how they are and so might provide a better base on which to build.

Due to my own childhood, I expect total honesty from my H, friends, everyone. I'm totally honest and open so why aren't they?

Mine was because gaslighting in my childhood. Truth and certainty give me comfort.

Me and H are also in counselling.

But I recognise that it's my issue, I set a very high bar and I can't expect everyone to think the same as me.

You do appear to be very unwilling to compromise or look inwards and take responsibility here.

What's more important, anxiety or your marriage?

Some of the examples you have given don't seem to demonstrate high anxiety. I am checking the weather right now. Quietly. So I can plan my day tomorrow. DH doesn't even know I am.

I would find it difficult to live with someone who was scared of flying, crowds, driving.. multiple things and didn't do anything about it though.

I really don’t like the sound of this

you seem to be saying that it’s his responsibility to pacify, to do as you want, and if he doesn’t then he’s responsible for your behaviour. If that means you lashing out, it’s his fault.

you say it’s not, then go on to explain why it actually is…

OP have you actually tried anxiety meds before? Because the right medication won't dull your mind at all, but will stop the constant churning in your mind.

This all sounds exhausting, and also as though you don't actually want to be less anxious. But what might you be able to achieve if you weren't spending so much time and energy mitigating your anxiety?

Sorry. Longer route involves a motorway, instead of B roads.

@MulderSmoulder great post and your point about the causes of anxiety responding to different treatments is really interesting, can you expand at all on which approach for which cause? Dont' want to put you on the spot, understand if you have a general idea but not the detail.

Annoyingly I am both ND and childhood trauma 😑

Ah. Exactly like me then, I would also expect to be picked up to avoid that.

Why would you want to retain something that makes your life, and the life of the man you love, more difficult than it has to be?

Feeling anxious is unpleasant, at best. So if you don’t want to get rid of the anxiety, you must want to stay anxious - to continue experiencing an unpleasant feeling. That doesn’t really make any sense, unless you’re a masochist. Your life can be easier! Let it be!

Is the issue perhaps that you have a (very powerful) fear of change? That is something very fixable, but it’s not something that’s reasonable to expect a partner to accept and accommodate without any effort from you.

Also please don’t worry about medication having an adverse cognitive effect - many of us have been taking it for years in order to function and operate very successfully at a senior level. It helps rather than hinders.

Keep saying....I have High Functioning Anxiety. Aka the majority of manifestations are really low key and although I know that inside I'm stressed, I don't believe they impact anyone else other than maybe being a bit weird or irritating. A few of the bigger ones are more invasive - but they aren't on a daily basis.

But why do you want to keep feeling stressed inside? Wouldn’t you do anything you could to avoid that?

Thank you! I think this is how I feel. Whilst I have officially been confirmed as having "High functioning Generalised Anxiety", I don't feel this is a disorder per se. My mother has real mental health conditions and there's no mistaking that she is, truly, ill. Whereas I think it is very much my personality and no I don't really want to medicate myself to fit with someone else when, if I was alone would I choose to do that because its debilitating my life? Absolutely not. I very much hope it's not that our personalities are simply incompatible....but now I'm even less sure than I was before we started therapy.

When you are stressed and anxious and panicky, you don’t notice the impact of your behaviour on others around you. I had PTSD (under control now) and anxiety (recovered) and I didn’t realise how my behaviour negatively impacted my relationships with family and my DP. I must’ve been absolutely tiring to live with and be around.

Your DH tries to be supportive, but when it gets too much, he explodes and you argue. He must feel like a 24/7 unpaid therapist.

You need to go to therapy to address your childhood issues and come up with strategies to combat the anxiety. You don’t want to take meds as they might ‘dull your creativity’? Stop being selfish.

I have had lots...and lots...of therapy. Over many many years. The levels of stress I now feel are, for me, perfectly manageable. I don't feel there is any further therapy that can help in this particular regard. We embarked upon therapy in relation to couples communication - I hadn't expected it to become one and the same thing or I wouldn't have bothered as I've already been through all that many times. The only thing left to do to "avoid" that is medicate and frankly, no, I'd rather live with how I am. I understand that other people are happy to medicate and that's their choice, but this is mine.

I mean, if you’re happy feeling constantly anxious and spending a large part of your time and energy mitigating for it, then I don’t think there’s anything a therapist can do for you. I don’t think it’s fair that your husband should just be expected to tolerate it, but if you’re unwilling to budge I guess he has two choices… tolerate it or leave.

Also closer to how I feel about it than many responses here. Many parts of how I am are actually helpful....the racing mind allows me to hold a freakish number of concepts and projects at once. I function on little to no sleep. I am an absolute perfectionist and overachiever without ever burning out. I'm actually massively empathetic although I'm just waiting for that to be shot down here 😁 My fight or flight instinct has got myself, my family and friends out of a number of tricky situations. And I'm renowned for being incredibly good at organising things with an extraordinary attention to detail.

I know people will argue these things are not tied to anxiety. No, not always. But in my case they are very closely intertwined and all part of who I am.

The OP described it as live permanently with a million voices in my head about a million different subjects and lots of things cause me high levels of stress - this is not a desirable state. Some anxiety some of the time is common,but what the OP is decsribing is extreme.

I have not personally advised medication, that is a personal decision, but definitely life with less stress would be better.