I don't want to change myself? Anxiety and therapy related.

[OddSocksAndHollyhocks]

OK, odd one.

DH and I have been having marriage counselling, mostly to address our poor communication. Our relationship isn't terrible, in many ways it's good. But we have very different communication styles and both feel unvalidated and argue a lot.

Anyway. Therapist seems to have struggled to find a solution for us or to "solve" us as a couple. He's tried all the standards - finding shared passions, looking at our childhood and saying we're repeating parental patterns, suggesting mindfulness. In the last session, he seems to have settled on my anxiety and is now saying it's the cause of everything. He wanted me to name my anxiety and give it a colour and see it as separate to me...presumably so I could banish it.

The thing is, I've lived with my anxiety forever. I'm a very high functioning anxious person. I'm anxious about pretty much everything, have constant voices in my head BUT it doesn't stop me. I have a great career, friends. If I want to do something, i do it. It just often takes me a lot of self reasoning or finding a way I feel more comfortable with to achieve the same result. Its only when DH is in the equation that it gets more complicated as he thinks he's protecting me by just saying we won't do things that could make me anxious. When in reality, that's making me feel like I'm in a cage where I never get to actually live.

I don't feel like I need to get rid of my anxiety. But therapist has pinned it as the cause of all our problems. I feel like that's just an easy cop out. Not sure what to do next...

I don’t understand why you would be annoyed at the therapist for suggesting you try to address something which is obviously quite debilitating, and makes like more difficult for you and those around you?
You are using your anxiety as a comfort blanket.

But I don't see why it's so terrible. The only example my DH brought up in the session, for example, is that before I drive anywhere I need to plan the route in detail. So usually that means I'll google the postcode, stick it in satnav and check there are no motorways as I won't drive motorways. That literally takes a couple of minutes and has zero impact on DH other that on rare occasion, if it's a particularly complex route, I may ask him to help and programme it into satnav for me. But this is the habit he really hates.

He also hates that I check the weather before making plans for the day.

Now, I COULD go without doing both of these things. Yes, I'd feel quite stressed inside if I did- but I'd cope. If there was no satnav or phone available for example. But why do I really need to...who does this massively benefit for me to not do things like this? Is it truly so horrific that I do it?

tbh you sound pretty selfish. it’s like your husband has to adjust to you but you don’t seem to be offering him anything in return?
just that won’t “flare up”

if my friend had a boyfriend who told her that she had to do XYZ so he doesn’t become anxious and “flare up” I’d be very worried

I have anxiety so I’m not trying to be judgemental but you sound very selfish. And constantly going over things with people is self absorbed and exhausting. Maybe he doesn’t want to have repeated conversations while you mentally process something

im also saying this as someone who thinks men are in the wrong like 90% of the time but you really need to take a second to wonder how your husband will have a happy life if he doesn’t agree to your demands on his behaviour

I know exactly where it comes from and have already had lots of therapy re: childhood trauma. Which I personally feel has been very successful and brought me to the point I'm at now in life.

That sounds like a huge accomplishment. But is your journey of healing complete if you haven’t fully understood and integrated these parts of yourself? It sounds like you’re still living a state of trauma response and relying on unhealthy coping modes, even you have made huge progress in addressing this e.g through breathing to manage panic attacks.

Have you ever looked into schema therapy?

many anxious people don’t just “check the weather”
they ruminate about the what ifs and when’s and why’s

that’s not just “checking the weather”
it’s not fair to minimise it

because If your anxiety is only wanting to know if it’ll rain then your anxiety levels must be very low

Maybe this is not the right counsellor for you, would you consider changing?

Those daily behaviours are very low level...hence I am a High Functioning Anxiety sufferer, as stated. My most extreme issues are with flying (which I still do, following hypnotherapy and with certain criteria in place); not driving on motorways (which I suppose does impact DH in that he does all the motorway driving but I'm not convinced therapy is going to solve that one; fear of terrorism in some very crowded places eg big arenas etc - but DH rarely expresses desire to go to those kind of places and if he did, I would. I also have obtrusive thoughts but genuinely don't share 90% of those with DH anyway.

No, but I'll look it up thank you.

Anxiety is not enjoyable nor is it a way anyone needs to live

Except that it wasn't my husband who stated it as an issue. It was the therapist.

Regardless of whether your DH has an articulated a problem with it, it’s your therapist’s job to bring to light what is unconscious.

You’ve given a few examples of how your anxiety plays out in a practical way, but how does it play out in an emotional way in yYou relationship?

If your DH wasn’t there, are you able to acknowledge your anxiety, comfort yourself and soothe yourself through it? How would you cope if he was gone tomorrow?

Sorry, but you sound exhausting.

I work with a highly anxious person and she is a complete pain in the arse.

She will only go back and forth to work via one route. When it rains, it floods.

She gets her partner to check the route when it rains and then complains bitterly about having to drive another, longer route.

She has left her car at work and got him to stop work and come in to drive her home. Of course, this means he then has to drive her to and from work until the flooding has subsided and she can then drive home, via the only route she'll take.

This may seem normal to you, but avoiding motorways, refusing to do somethings and asking that your mental illness is accommodated in every scenario would drive me away.

You may choose not to define it as debilitating, but there is a potential life where you don't live permanently with a million voices in my head about a million different subjects and lots of things cause me high levels of stress and it will be hard for others to understand why you wouldn't want to move towards that.

How do you know giving it a name and colour won't help? You do not know that, because you haven't tried.

What do you want to keep the anxiety for? What are you scared will happen if you give it up?

Btw would recommend Sheryl Paul’s book the Wisdom of Anxiety because I wonder if you’re projecting your inner anxiety onto external situations like the fear of driving and terrorism.

Why won't you consider medication?

What is a "High Functioning Anxiety sufferer"? Have you had a formal diagnosis?

You are minimising how draining it is to live with someone with anxiety like you. It’s awful. Personally with a highly anxious relative who like you thinks there’s no problem with being like a coiled spring when under any tiny amount of stress and has ruined every single happy occasion by overshadowing it with their need to allow their anxiety to act out, please try medication, anything to give your husband and your brain some kind of respite. You think it’s fine because you’re not living with it. It is horrible to live with someone like you, your husband will be dreading things every day because he knows what you will ‘need’ to do in order to complete x, y and z. I have also worked with highly anxious high functioning people. You are completely in denial if you don’t realise your colleagues are aware of your condition.

I'm curious as to why you rejected your therapists suggestion to talk about your parents when you admit you have childhood trauma.

Regardless of your anxiety, parental interaction affects the way we interact as adults and children from homes where adults interacted negatively can struggle to communicate effectively with their partners.

It does sound a little like you reject things if you don't like then e.g.

Hypnotherapy won't work for motorway driving despite working for flying
Dealing with your anxiety the way your counseller wants won't work, but what are you basing that on?
Trying various therapeutic routes is pigeon holing you into typical therapy

You sound a little bit like you like to be different and you are rejecting anything typical and normal as it won't work for you. Are you maybe holding onto your anxiety because it gives you something different?

Has the therapist spoken about your husband not shouting, and being truthful? Those sound like reasonable expectations. Does your husband acknowlege these and is he working on them?

If my DH wasn't there (not that I want him to not be there!) I would be absolutely fine with my anxiety. There is nothing I ever want to do that I doubt in my mind I will do because of anxiety...I may just have a stressful or convoluted way of getting to the end result but because I'm confident in my ability to work through / around it, I just go with it. Throw DH into the mix and what happens is I cope worse, because he either tries to stop anxious situations which makes me feel my world is getting smaller and I'm never pushed to go beyond my comfort zone (alone, I would push myself often). Or I end up in silence with us not speaking because I'm very aware I can't share the process with him / we argue if it is irritating or irrational to him.

Pfft, it really sounds pretty heavy going for your DH.

Do you accept your DH's life would be easier if your anxiety was magically reduced?

Accepted. And does sound much like me (although I wouldn't complain about the longer route - if there was one, I'd happily drive it). But if her partner knew she was like that from the start, it's not something that has happened later...?

I have zero interest in having my thought capacity dulled. I have a very high performing career and need to be at 100% intellectual capacity - I've had meds in the past for migraine on a trial and it certainly does cause some degree of slower thinking, that's how they stop the mind racing.

Yes. I've already said this a few times. It is a medical diagnosis.

I didn't reject talking about parents. I rejected spending too much time on it when I've already spent many years and thousands of pounds on therapy addressing that very issue and believe it is as cured as it can be.

I also didn't say hypnotherapy can't work for motorway driving - it possibly could, but I don't think it will work for just "general anxiety" and unfortunately I can't afford hypnotherapy - which needs to be topped up and maintained too - for each of my many various triggers.

Absolutely no desire to be different!

I have a DD who is anxious and also has migraine. It's very difficult and draining to live with and I would not be able to do it for anyone but my child. Meds have helped her.

I also have a friend who is anxious and I have distanced myself from her. I can only deal with one anxious person at a time.

Think about the impact it has on people around you. It's a joy suck.