Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

What would you think of someone acting like this?

58 replies

redylop · 13/12/2022 13:56

What would you think of someone who does the following:

  • Is rude to people in public, such as staff for getting orders wrong, or staff in call centres who can't do what you need them to do.
  • Unpredictable moods. One minute they are happy and the next they are angry over something very small.
  • Occasionally breaks things in the home if they are annoyed. They may punch a wall or throw things but not aimed at people.
  • Gets angry at other people for behaving in a way that they themselves do on a regular basis.
  • Aggressive when driving but don't like it when others are aggressive to them.
  • Very particular about how things have to be at home, such as where things go or how to do things.
  • Blames everyone else for their own mistakes or blames it on their childhood.
  • Shows signs of jealousy if their partner goes out with friends

But then when they are in public they are friendly, polite and charming. And can also be friendly and charming at home, but not very often.

OP posts:
CatLick · 14/12/2022 14:51

No future in this relationship. They won't change. You ll dance around them until they decide your the problem.

Bananadramallamas · 14/12/2022 15:06

Get a nicer one, why put up with it.

walkinthewoodstoday · 14/12/2022 15:20

@redylop do they ever open up their emotions or show vulnerability?

Sounds awful and someone not to get close to.

TheYummyPatler · 14/12/2022 15:22

Greensleeves · 13/12/2022 13:59

Diagnosis: asshole

Recommended action: get rid

I feel this covered it entirely.

ICanHideButICantRun · 14/12/2022 15:22

Street Angel, House Devil

It's a very old term - my grandmother used to use it - it describes your person to a T.

TheYummyPatler · 14/12/2022 15:23

I mean, it simply doesn’t matter why they’re an arsehole.

They quite simply are an arsehole and that’s all the information you need to decide to run away.

Autumntimeagain · 14/12/2022 15:30

Narcissist prick, who will dump you the minute you're not complying with his orders.

Also abusive, using physical violence to 'showcase' his superior power over you. Designed to keep you scared, compliant and walking on 'eggshells' daily in case you 'set him off'.

Abusive by reacting 'badly' when you dare to go out with friends, so you don't go out or are constantly apologising for bloody living !

No-one you want to be in any kind of 'relationship' for sure !

Watchkeys · 14/12/2022 15:34

But he's so good at putting doubt in my mind

The problem is, you are so good at letting him. This is about you, not him. His behaviours trigger something, sure, but you could just stay away from him. You are your responsibility. He is his responsibility. Neither is responsible for the other. So, you work out why you behave the way you do (why you stay/why you doubt yourself etc), and let him deal with him.

Aquamarine1029 · 14/12/2022 15:49

Trying to find a reason for his behaviour is another way for you to excuse it. Stop allowing yourself to be abused and manipulated. This man is dangerous, and you should get away from him as quickly as possible.

Skethylita · 15/12/2022 00:00

I'd think you have met my ex husband. Because that was exactly him. It took me 2 years to recover from a 5-year relationship I ended, and a LOT of SSRIs and therapy to feel normal again.

Pinkbonbon · 15/12/2022 02:52

walkinthewoodstoday · 14/12/2022 15:20

@redylop do they ever open up their emotions or show vulnerability?

Sounds awful and someone not to get close to.

They don't exepereicence many of the emotions we do.

They are not actually vulnerable (that's just a name for the type of narcissism presented). YOU are vulnerable. You are the one dating the abuser. Not them. They're perfectly fine.

They just want you to constantly think of them and their feelings, hence the 'woe is me, my life is so hard, no one understand me' act.

I don't know what feelignd you want them to admit. What you see is generally what you get with them.

I like to explain it as them being the tiger from 'the the life of pie'. You are the boy Pie, swearing blindly to his father that their is compassion in thr tiger, because you have seen it in his eyes. And his father tells him something like, 'no, in his eyes, you only see yourself reflected back at you'.

That's all it is, any goodness is just smoke and mirrors. You are good so you assume there must be good in him. But infact, he only ever reflected your goodness back at you. So he could draw you in and wat you up, like the predator he is.

MrsTerryPratchett · 15/12/2022 03:09

Greensleeves · 13/12/2022 13:59

Diagnosis: asshole

Recommended action: get rid

So much of this. It doesn't matter what they are in the DSM, they aren't a good person to be around. So don't be around.

Smallonesaremorejuicy · 15/12/2022 03:39

redylop · 13/12/2022 13:56

What would you think of someone who does the following:

  • Is rude to people in public, such as staff for getting orders wrong, or staff in call centres who can't do what you need them to do.
  • Unpredictable moods. One minute they are happy and the next they are angry over something very small.
  • Occasionally breaks things in the home if they are annoyed. They may punch a wall or throw things but not aimed at people.
  • Gets angry at other people for behaving in a way that they themselves do on a regular basis.
  • Aggressive when driving but don't like it when others are aggressive to them.
  • Very particular about how things have to be at home, such as where things go or how to do things.
  • Blames everyone else for their own mistakes or blames it on their childhood.
  • Shows signs of jealousy if their partner goes out with friends

But then when they are in public they are friendly, polite and charming. And can also be friendly and charming at home, but not very often.

It would be a goodbye from me .

2catsandhappy · 15/12/2022 05:56

You have described a narcissist. The detail you give implies you are very closely involved. If you were not close involved you would only know the charming friendly fake front.
You have not specificaly mentioned that he/r is engineering the isolation and cutting off from family and friends. Jealousy at a partner going out without them is the first step in this. It relentlessly carries on until the partner changes their behaviour to keep an easy life.
If you are that partner I am begging you to get away from him/her. It is a big game to the narc to select someone smart bright popular and lovely, and then deliberately and maliciously grind them down to an obedient wreck. So many lies and switching behviours. It totally messes up your mental health.

AnImaginaryCat · 15/12/2022 06:19

You've described my mother.

While I know a mother-daughter relationship is different to a male-female partner relationship, being closely involved in a relationship like this will mess you up.

Prioritise your own mental health, and get out. I'd get away from him as soon as you can. Especially as its a relationship you can remove yourself from with relative ease (theoretically).

category12 · 15/12/2022 06:38

Sounds like an abusive partner that needs leaving.

LeotardsandDaisies · 15/12/2022 06:41

Another vote for Covert narcissist. Nasty pricks.

Pictograph · 15/12/2022 07:12

Are you able to leave OP?

PepsiMaxAholic · 15/12/2022 07:19

An abusive person who can clearly control their actions in public and know what they are doing. Possibly personality disorder. If this is a relationship, I would advise the other person to walk away. It's not going to be a happy or healthy one (been there).

Whydidimarryhim · 15/12/2022 11:17

Hi OP leave him - he’s not going to change - we always hope they will but they really really really don’t. He’s abusive. Do not have a child with this man.

OldFan · 15/12/2022 12:03

Abuse. Bin.

HangryFeminist · 15/12/2022 12:05

Greensleeves · 13/12/2022 13:59

Diagnosis: asshole

Recommended action: get rid

This. I lived with one of these. Should have got rid of him sooner. I’m so happy now!

worstusernameeverx2 · 15/12/2022 12:06

All those exactly match my ex who was an evil narcissist, constantly coercively controlling me.

worstusernameeverx2 · 15/12/2022 12:07

Now I'm thinking you're my ex's new partner. I feel so sorry for her, she's got so much misery coming her way. I wish there was a way to warn her.

Dodecaheidyin · 15/12/2022 18:14

worstusernameeverx2 · 15/12/2022 12:07

Now I'm thinking you're my ex's new partner. I feel so sorry for her, she's got so much misery coming her way. I wish there was a way to warn her.

Snap!

How are you doing, @redylop ?