mil playing mind games

[Musicsoul]

Hi just needed some advise,

mil had pretty much decided she didn't like me from the moment we met. Although I feel she's the same with anyone in immediate family. If anyone has anything good happen in their lives she will make a drama out of something and ruin the mood. It's her way or no way.
I've always felt she's gone out of her way to embarrass me and be little me in front of others. She knows I'm quite shy and she's very loud so would know exactly what to do for example last summer attended a family bbq and she immediately started shouting "wow look how short her dress is, look how white her legs are" laughing hysterically infront of everyone. I could see the faces of others there and they were as confused as I was. I would always put on a brave face and act like it didn't bother me.

Since having my daughter I've definitely found my voice and have stepped in when needed. I feel she wants complete control over my decisions and child and we have clashed a few times. Each time she will then go off the grid for weeks at a time and it's so unfair to my daughter who obviously loves her gran.

If I tell my daughter she's can leave her food, mil will talk over me and say that she won't be my daughters friend anymore if she doesn't eat. So I politely say no if she's had enough that's it which results in a lot of huffing and snorting.

She will take constant pictures of dd and even if dd is asking her to stop she's so tunnel vision ed she will ignore her. I think in the end I asked about 4 times to stop and just engage with dd and she was acting like I wasn't talking. I did end up snapping and telling her if she didn't put her phone down she could leave. She would even record dd sitting on my knee having a cuddle and it made me so uncomfortable. Dd just wanted to spend time with her gran not the back of a phone.

They may seem like little things but honestly it's constant. She's very rude towards me and unwelcoming. My husband has noticed when she's done it but he almost seems scared to stand up to his mum. She's a very strong character.

About 7 weeks ago she claimed she was feeling suicidal but in the next breath TOLD me she would be picking my daughter up from school to cheer herself up. I obviously said no it wasn't a good idea with her mental health and that if she was feeling that way she needed to speak with a Dr immediately. Even though I don't think she is suicidal because she's thrown it out there quite a few times. I believe Its just for attention but still I wasn't going to take that risk with my child.

So as it stands she has not seen my daughter since then!. She lives a few houses down (we don't go to her house because dd is allergic to cats). We messaged twice at the start asking her to come round and she messaged back saying "no thanks ". We have not heard from her since. fil told my husband that I have upset her so she needs time. I just don't think it's fair she's In and out of dd life like this. Dd will ask for her and probably feels abandoned. It just can't keep happening but I don't know what to do about it.
I know she's never going to change and this will probably keep on happening. She will continue to speak to me like crap at every opportunity. I just can't deal with her seeing dd everyday for two weeks then disappearing for a month or two. I feel she's always going to be challenging me over my daughter.

Sorry if this is a long post I'm just not sure how to handle it. I really don't want her in our lives playing mind games but I know that would upset my husband.

Any advise is welcome.
Thank you if you have read this.

Has she been assessed for dementia? My mum had it and looking back it started with the biziarre stuff like this.

Your DH needs to put himself between you and sort out whatever is causing her behaviour towards you. Too many DILs are expected to deal with unkind PILs. You never hear from men saying they're patronised and demeaned by their ILs!

@Collaborate

I don't think so. We've been together 8 years now and it's been from day 1. From what SIL says she's been difficult since they were kids

@33goingon64

I definitely agree. Over the years I would tell him the issues I have and asked him to talk with her. I guess when it come to the kids I felt I had to step in because he wouldn't.

If it was my family treating him this way I would would want to sort it out rather than them having words with each other.

I do believe she has zero respect for him also so probably wouldn't listen to him !

You need to move away. Having someone in your house every day who treats you like this and plays with your DD's emotions should be unbearable. Why are you putting up with it? Why is DH?

@MrsTerryPratchett

We have discussed moving in the future.

Very good question. I could always ignore her doing it to me (even though I shouldn't have to ) it's my dd getting hurt is what really gets to me.

If moving at the moment isn't an option then what else would you suggest to do?. Genuinely need some advise.

Husband hates any type of confrontation and wants everyone to get along. Although I think if he would have stepped in years ago we wouldn't be at this stage now. I think cutting someone off is the last resort and extreme but I really don't see how else I can protect dd. This will always happen and always be a problem. It's just going to hurt husband and I hate that for him.

Jesus, your husband is a drip. You shouldn’t be having to deal with his shitty mother.

@Herejustforthisone
I understand it seems that way and you are correct. I do wish he would step in but honestly if you met this family you would see how she affects the whole dynamic. Sil won't stand up to her or fil. If you disagree with her there are always consequences and I suppose they've spent their life thinking this is normal.

What is your Dh doing about her when she shouts about your dress/legs? I’d be bloody furious if my Dh didn’t bollock mil’s arse for trying to shame you. Stop worrying about her, let your Dh contact her and he can remind fil how bloody rude she’s been. She’s brought it on herself. If you do see her and she starts, you4 Dh needs to stop her dead.

@Cherrysoup regards to the dress he said he didn't hear her properly. Which is a lie because the garden fell silent. Every one seemed uncomfortable.
Especially I am on the larger side so I was mortified.

Thats the part I don't know what to do. If she asks to come round do I really just not mention the fact she's not seen dd for months? What happens when she continues to do this?

Move away. Cut contact with her, it’s not fair to your child she sounds like a nut case.

He’s in the FOG, isn’t he? He’s scared to make waves with her and would rather you got upset. He should go round and tell her how it’s going to be from now on. If she can’t cope, then she doesn’t get to see her grandchild. You won’t miss her.

@Cherrysoup

Yes exactly right and I have said that to him before but he has to put his daughters feelings before hers.

Thank you I will talk to him about that. I definitely won't miss her. It's nice not being on egg shells

If you really can't move away now, you need to take control of the amount of time you and DD spend with her.
Don't invite her over or chase her up when she's in a mood, and when she's over it and wants to come over everyday tell her no. Decide how little time you're willing to spend with her (if any), and stick to it.
Also decide if you'd rather spend the time at hers or yours and make sure that happens - personally I would say go to hers so you can control when to leave if she kicks off.

Lastly, have a plan for how you want to deal with this, and remember your DC will be learning from it.
My suggestion (I do this with one of my SILs) is to say something calmly like 'that was uncalled for' and leave. Take your dc with you and if/when they ask, you explain granny wasn't being nice so you left.
It makes your point and removes you from the situation without any shouting etc and lets your dc (and DH) see that you don't have to accept her just because "that's how she is" or whatever justification is usually given.

@FranklySonImTheGaffer

Thank you for your reply.

Unfortunately we can visit there as DD is allergic to her cats and has asthma ( she has about 20 cats) otherwise it would be easier to leave. But at least she can't say we've been avoiding her because she knows visits are always in ours.

I said to DH I believe she's going to wait till Christmas day thinking we will be distracted by gifts and not mention her behaviour. She will be told no. Especially after last year she asked could she come watch DD open her presents first thing In the morning and we said no we would prefer she come after breakfast. Suprise suprise she showed up saying she felt depressed and suicidal. Crying infront of DD and ruined Christmas morning. I wouldn't let her do that again.

narcissists pulling the mental health card infuriates me. Loads of great advice op, it’s fine to tell dd nana isn’t being nice so we will see her when she is. Shows her that it’s ok to walk away. I wouldn’t open the door Christmas Day and I’d tell her that in advance

@Lollypop701

My sister keeps saying she's a narcissist. Always says I shouldn't try and reason because I'm fighting a losing battle as narcissist will never understand they have hurt someone else.

Thank you for your reply and I definitely will take all the advise.

If moving at the moment isn't an option then what else would you suggest to do?. Genuinely need some advise.

My advice? You tell DH you will deal with any perceived emotional abuse of you and DD exactly as you see fit. And mean it.

Then you genuinely deal with it instantly and seriously. MIL makes a comment like that, you say, "I'm off" and leave. No tears, no excuses, no feedback. Just go. If she comments on DD, you say, "no MIL, it's my house" and if she carries on, big, warm smile, "goodbye MIL you'll have to leave if you can't accept the rules".

No negotiation, no waiting for DH to deal with it. Just tell DH you will do what you need to. And then do. I've done it with FIL and he behaves here. Even though he behaves atrociously at his DD's house. And everywhere else.

@MrsTerryPratchett

Thank you for advise and I will definitely just not worry as much and be assertive.

The books Toxic Parents and Toxic In-laws by Susan Forward and also the Stately Homes threads on the Relationships topic on here would be useful to you and your DH OP. Your MIL is probably a narcissist and those resources will give you and DH strategies to deal with her, knowledge is power in this situation

I agree with the advice MrsTerryPratchett has given. You take control of any and all situations. In your situation, he has no say in what you do regarding yourself and your daughter. None.

You said earlier that "From what SIL says she's been difficult since they were kids". Your husband has been raised, groomed almost, to put her wishes before his own needs. It's known as FOG - Fear, Obligation and Guilt. You've seen at first-hand how difficult it is for yourself to stand up to her. Imagine the impossibility of that for a child, who has known no other upbringing. Your husband is simply not equipped to deal with her, which is why you have to take charge. What he needs is to be able to come out of the FOG. Again, there's a lot of information available out there.

Personally I'd be forbidding her entering my house and having any contact at all with my daughter. I know you say your DD loves her gran, but I'd still keep her away. I would give MIL zero chance of instilling FOG in my daughter. She is already trying to do so, with her telling your daughter "that she won't be my daughters friend anymore if she doesn't eat". That's the sort of shit that has left your husband unable to deal with her. So - zero chances.

@WhereYouLeftIt

I completely agree. It is frustrating when I he sits back but I am intimidated by her so I can only imagine how it is for him and sil. SIL had mentioned she doesn't remember a time where they recieved any affection from her and always felt second best to my husband. He would be allowed to go as he plesded where as sil would be made to do "girl work ' and clean the house, always felt like a slave rather than a daughter.

I will definitely look unto fog. I think it will help me understand instead of arguments.

As for the not being around DD I think I may go towards that more. It's hard now but will be healthier in the long run.

Thanks for advise

@KateBalesCardi

Thank you I will look the book and thread. Very helpful.

SIL had mentioned she doesn't remember a time where they recieved any affection from her and always felt second best to my husband. He would be allowed to go as he plesded where as sil would be made to do "girl work ' and clean the house, always felt like a slave rather than a daughter.

In a black sheep/golden child paradigm with an emotionally abusive parent, it's often the golden child who suffers later on. The black sheep is able to detach because they have the chance to see the harm and nothing to lose. The golden child has everything to lose. He sees what it is to be the black sheep and was raised to fear it.

TLDR: your DH isn't able to manage this, you will have to.

Suprise suprise she showed up saying she felt depressed and suicidal. Crying infront of DD and ruined Christmas morning. I wouldn't let her do that again.

Don’t expose your DD to this v harmful emotional abuse.

It is terrifying for a child to see an adult cry, lose control and threaten suicide.

This sort of erratic and unstable behaviour will be internalised by your DD - she will
be confused not make sense of it and be left feeling anxious. If you feel like walking on eggshells as a rational adult - imagine the extent to which a young child is negatively impacted as they can’t make sense of this just scared.

Your DD doesn’t need to see her DM (you) anxious or stressed - she will pick up on this - as well as the tension with your DH.

Your MIL has used the threat of volatility to keep everyone hijacked to her will for her whole life - they all comply with it. She will never change.

Get your DC well away from this nonsense. You don’t need any grand announcements or confrontation. Look up “grey rock” technique and reverse out of her life.

Your DD doesn’t need this mentally unstable, highly manipulative, toxic and divisive character in her life.