mil playing mind games

[Musicsoul]

Hi just needed some advise,

mil had pretty much decided she didn't like me from the moment we met. Although I feel she's the same with anyone in immediate family. If anyone has anything good happen in their lives she will make a drama out of something and ruin the mood. It's her way or no way.
I've always felt she's gone out of her way to embarrass me and be little me in front of others. She knows I'm quite shy and she's very loud so would know exactly what to do for example last summer attended a family bbq and she immediately started shouting "wow look how short her dress is, look how white her legs are" laughing hysterically infront of everyone. I could see the faces of others there and they were as confused as I was. I would always put on a brave face and act like it didn't bother me.

Since having my daughter I've definitely found my voice and have stepped in when needed. I feel she wants complete control over my decisions and child and we have clashed a few times. Each time she will then go off the grid for weeks at a time and it's so unfair to my daughter who obviously loves her gran.

If I tell my daughter she's can leave her food, mil will talk over me and say that she won't be my daughters friend anymore if she doesn't eat. So I politely say no if she's had enough that's it which results in a lot of huffing and snorting.

She will take constant pictures of dd and even if dd is asking her to stop she's so tunnel vision ed she will ignore her. I think in the end I asked about 4 times to stop and just engage with dd and she was acting like I wasn't talking. I did end up snapping and telling her if she didn't put her phone down she could leave. She would even record dd sitting on my knee having a cuddle and it made me so uncomfortable. Dd just wanted to spend time with her gran not the back of a phone.

They may seem like little things but honestly it's constant. She's very rude towards me and unwelcoming. My husband has noticed when she's done it but he almost seems scared to stand up to his mum. She's a very strong character.

About 7 weeks ago she claimed she was feeling suicidal but in the next breath TOLD me she would be picking my daughter up from school to cheer herself up. I obviously said no it wasn't a good idea with her mental health and that if she was feeling that way she needed to speak with a Dr immediately. Even though I don't think she is suicidal because she's thrown it out there quite a few times. I believe Its just for attention but still I wasn't going to take that risk with my child.

So as it stands she has not seen my daughter since then!. She lives a few houses down (we don't go to her house because dd is allergic to cats). We messaged twice at the start asking her to come round and she messaged back saying "no thanks ". We have not heard from her since. fil told my husband that I have upset her so she needs time. I just don't think it's fair she's In and out of dd life like this. Dd will ask for her and probably feels abandoned. It just can't keep happening but I don't know what to do about it.
I know she's never going to change and this will probably keep on happening. She will continue to speak to me like crap at every opportunity. I just can't deal with her seeing dd everyday for two weeks then disappearing for a month or two. I feel she's always going to be challenging me over my daughter.

Sorry if this is a long post I'm just not sure how to handle it. I really don't want her in our lives playing mind games but I know that would upset my husband.

Any advise is welcome.
Thank you if you have read this.

@Glindara

Wow I've only looked up one article and it has great advise.

"In some cases, people report that an abusive person becomes affectionate and warm in an attempt to make the victim reconsider their approach. Some refer to this as “love bombing.”

This is crazy to me because the amount of times she would suddenly have a change of attitude and I would believe we had turned a corner. I wouldn't say she was affectionate but would show a lot of interest in my work and family.

I definitely need to educate myself more and had some great advise on this thread.

It’s grooming - the “nice” and nasty cycle.

They are “nice” just to reel you back in - back in to punching distance so they can insult you again.

Don’t walk back in to any of her traps.

Don’t be scared of her - know she has a fragile ego and everyone finds her problematic and vile but at too scared to say it.

See her as an animal - a cat or scorpion or hyena - that’s her genetically programmed behaviour - it’s not “if” - it’s “when” - she will swipe/claw, sting or maul you…..

You can go round this merry-go-round for the rest of your life getting more and more demoralised - like her own DCs - or you can get off it, turn your back, drop the rope of her silly shenanigans.

But she is more dangerous than silly.

You, your marriage, your family don’t need to be shadowed, dominated, polluted or preoccupied by this unstable and toxic character.

Keep out your family of her emotional punching distance.

@Glindara

You have everything absolutely spot on. It has affected my marriage and other than me being frustrated with MIL we are happy.

I do like the grey rock technique although I feel she won't go away that easily. She doesn't work and doesn't seem to have any other interest in her life but I will definitely give it a go.

Say the conversation does go to her being told that's enough and that she can't be in dd life then what would you do at family events?. Should we not attend? Or let them be the only rare occasions and if she's toxic then we leave immediately?

“Hoovering” was the other word I was looking for - when she attempts to drag you back in.

I wouldn’t announce or confront with a big threat about not being in DD life - because I wouldn’t want to give her a heads up on my escape plan - or any verbal or text ammunition.

Actions are more important.

Consistent and calmly - say “enough” and just leave - don’t flounce. No drama. Treat her like a toddler. Time and time again.

Decide your level of contact - it might be only a wider family events - where you can be civil and dignified.

Personally I would be moving far far away because as she gets older she will have you all running about like blue arsed flies.

She sounds like a right case! Let DH know that if he isn't able to deal with it, and he's unlikely to be as he's been trained by watching his father to enable her, then you will be putting boundaries in to the relationship and enforcing them.

Don't tell her any more than she needs to know, and remain vigilant, this leopard won't change it's spots but you may be able to minimise the effect of her toxic behaviour on yourself and your dd with careful management and lots of distance.

@Glindara

I did post earlier reply but doesn't look like it uploaded.

I will take your advise. I don't want dd missing out on events but at the same time I don't want to add to the confusion. I just know mil will be completely overwhelming to try and intimidate me to try and prove some point.

I also spent years giving no reaction at all but she didn't seem to get bored. I would avoid her as much as I could but then she would tell dh how rude I was. I did say to dh does it ever cross her mind that if she was just nice I wouldn't mind being in her company.

I know I can never have a civil relationship with her or have her at least respect me enough for dd sake. I have never met anyone like her so I just need to make peace with it, that she will never care for my dd the way a gran should. She can't treat her own children right so never will with dd, going to carry on educating myself to help with the frustration I've been feeling.

Just assume that she has some sort of mental instability - maybe one of the cluster B personality disorders - histrionic or narcissistic? Read up on it and see if any of the traits resonate.

There is lots on YouTube (Dr Ramani is good) to explain how to manage her and the dysfunctional dynamic her behaviour creates right across the family. You will learn about rage, emotional discharge and dysregulation, targeting, scapegoating, belittling, bullying, manipulation, smearing, flying monkeys, enablers, FOG, gaslighting etc.

Your DH has been trained all his life into silence and compliance because to poke the bear is dangerous - so her behaviour is accepted.

There is only one way through it - being very very clear on your own values and standards and taking action on these. You will not change her so change how you interact - new boundaries, consequences, actions - calm detached, dignified etc.

Plan to reverse out of her life.

@Glindara

I just want to say thank you for all the advise. You have no idea how helpful you've been!

The way she behaves has worked on the first generation. Now she is trying her manipulations on the second. Horrible woman. I think your instincts about Christmas are spot on. I hope your dh supports you.