Are my reactions to DH normal?

[MerryMarigold]

Dh has been away for 2 weeks and he came back last night. I felt so stressed yesterday that he was coming back and the house was a bit of a mess and I haven't put up the decorations. Last week we were very short staff so I worked double hours. I have 3 teens and I'd been asking them to help me clear up but it just didn't happen so yesterday I was shouting and realised how stressed I felt. To be honest, it hasn't been easy with him away as my youngest son (14) is very disrespectful to me and I missed his Dad having a bit of authority, plus it was so hard to get the kids to help me out with various jobs he does (washing up, no dishwasher, and walking the dog). I was looking forward to having back and I did my best with clearing up, mopped and tidied a bit. I cleared our drive of snow as it's quite steep but the kids had a snowball fight and it got snow on again.

He finally got to the station at 11.45pm last night and I went to pick him up. I tried to get the car back on the drive but it wouldn't go up. He said he would try but he managed even worse than me so I said let's park on the road (a few metres). He then started trying to clear up the drive! It was midnight! And he'd been awake for more than 24 hours with a long haul flight. I was so angry with him and yelled at him to stop it! I realised later I reacted because he was making me feel like I'd done a bad job. I feel like a constant disappointment to him, and I know my eldest son does too.

I'm so disappointed in him, me, our marriage. I don't want to do Christmas this year. I don't know if I'm depressed because of the marriage or menopause or I'm just a depressive person. Help!

Sounds to me like he was trying to make it up to you for being away :/

Does he do anything else to deliberately make you feel bad, or is it more that you don't feel good enough and actually just need to value yourself

The problem is you not him. You are putting too high expectations on yourself and blaming him when you don't reach them. Talk to him. Have counselling. Unless there is a drip feed you need to lower your standards. Probably no one will even notice. Shouting at someone who's been awake 24 hours isn't nice

You sound like you were overtired and stressed out yourself.

Reset this morning, apologise for shouting and have a slow, calm day, don't try to do lots.

If you're menopausal, have you seen the doc? Maybe worth seeing if you can get HRT or whatnot.

If you're depressed, same again, to the doctor with you. 🙂

Christmas is a a fortnight away, just let some stuff go and aim low.

As for your relationship, if you do feel like he undermines you and devalues you, then maybe it's the source of your depression, but it's difficult to get a picture from this one incident. Is it an ongoing pattern?

Unless there is,some back story you are not saying I am not sure how this is his fault.

Maybe take a deep breath and move on

I used to have this when dh went away. I'd try to get everything done, but as soon as he arrived he found something I hadn't quite finished and started doing it.

Eventually I told him that him doing this was making me feel crap. He looked completely nonplussed, and said 'but I have to show you that I'm still useful for something, if you do absolutely everything when I'm not there then what do you need me for?'

Talk to him. It's probably just a matter of miscommunication.

If a person went away and came back and didnt help I am sure they would be called lazy, when they do help that makes the person at home feel bad?

So what is right?

Speaking generally

If your youngest is 14, then presumably the other 2 are pretty much adults.
Seems to me like they are the biggest issue you have, if they cant take care of themselves and help out a bit.

What’s the backstory OP?

There's a massive difference between 'coming home and helping to clear snow off the drive' and 'coming home and helping to clear snow off the drive at midnight'. I do think he was trying to make you feel bad OP. I'd have reacted as you did.

Yes, there's more to this. This one event alone wouldn't make you feel disappointed in your marriage, OP. Can you tell us why you feel disappointed in your marriage? Why you feel disappointed in yourself?

The general feeling of your post is of feeling pressure to do things 'right', but where does 'right' come from? How does your husband normally respond if you don't get everything done around the house? Is he kind? Respectful? Does he understand? Does he do his share?

It's a difficult one OP. Worst case scenario, this could be a situation where you genuinely are stifled by the relationship and the situation you're in and communication doesn't ever seem to make any difference.

If mutual communication usually has a positive, if gradual outcome then there's definitely hope. DH and I can sometimes be a bit like this. He comes from a background where everything has to be done a certain way and the family is very vocal, critical and scathing if it isn't done that way and I come from a background where things are let go but there is the odd outburst or sulk and so I tend to people please to avoid that nasty shock. If I get into a situation where I can't do everything I start to get anxious because I know DH will comment on it and I will feel inadequate. I used to get very touchy when the kids were small and he would come in from work and immediately start washing up and cleaning the kitchen. We are pretty good at talking about it though and over the years I have learned to push back a bit and he will explain why he's doing something so I don't feel like it's a comment on me. To take your example, he would probably say he was doing the drive at midnight because he'll sleep better if the car is on the drive and not on the road and he could see I'd been busy. Which puts a different complexion on things.

One thing that has also helped me (and a friend in a similar situation) is doing something which helps us feel stronger in the validity of our decisions; she's had coaching and I have joined a class which is a bit of yoga, a lot of embodiment practice and a bit of womens' circle. I've found when you reduce the guilt and increase my confidence it does help temper my reactions in a way that is really beneficial to me and in general makes the relationship more harmonious.

Good luck OP, i really hope you feel more comfortable soon and the right path for you becomes clear. It's hard navigating it all and it's clear you're working very hard to support your family.

I agree. Three adult / near-adult DC and, rather than make sure the drive was cleared of snow and ice so it could be used for parking when their dad arrives home exhausted at midnight, they decide to have a snowball fight on it and leave it unusable? I’d be pretty fed up in his position. Three adult / near-adult DC and he’s coming home to a house which is a mess because none of them can pick up after themselves and pitch in with chores?

Are you sure it’s you he’s disappointed in as opposed to three useless and disrespectful young adults?

I can’t see what he’s done wrong. I can see how exhausted he must have been and what an awful homecoming he must have had, up for 24 hours and gets yelled at because you couldn’t get a 14 year old and two older teens to walk a dog or do basic chores. If I was him I’d have turned around and spent the night in a hotel.

There’s obviously something else going on but the way you behaved towards him was really bad.

I wouldn't worry about him starting to clear the drive. When I get off a long flight like that I'm often extremely stiff. He may have welcomed a bit of physical activity in that sense and to clear out his head.

I would however as pp said be concerned about your kids' behaviour. They didn't "help with washing up" - presumably this was after you cooked for them? This would have made me go on strike tbh . Let them sort out their own meals for a change.

Agree with the point about needed to do something after a long flight. Long haul suggests he's been in another time zone for 2 weeks. That takes some adjusting when you get back, even if you haven't slept on the flight.

I used to do regular flight to/from the USA and despite the flight home being a red eye flight and despite not sleeping, I would almost always get in a DO something physical. I wouldn't be able to wind down for a few hours.

Unless there is more to this, your post reads like you've put this pressure on yourself and then shouted at everyone else because you haven't been able to meet your own standards.

That's not on.

But I also agree that 3 teens need to be helping out and if they are not, that also needs addressing.

The teens are 14yo twins and a 17yo (ADHD). They did help out with the chores (after multiple asking) but it was the 'extras' like cleaning up the house which didn't happen and I didn't have the energy to nag over. And our chore chart went a bit haywire at the end. The snowball fight wasn't just them but our neighbors had a little Christmas thing yesterday and then the teens came out (and some adults!) and had a snowball fight so it was just then being silly.

Unless there is more to this, your post reads like you've put this pressure on yourself and then shouted at everyone else because you haven't been able to meet your own standards. That's what I'm not sure of. I wanted the house to be clean for him because he appreciates it and I don't really care that much. But I also wanted it to be clean for him because we didn't the first 10 years of our marriage fighting over his expectations of the house (I was a SAHM with young kids) and that 'fear' of making him disappointed/ annoyed hasn't gone away. He comes from an extremely critical family. I don't but have become very sensitive to it. I don't know why I care about pleasing him, isn't that normal, to want people at love to think we're great?!

To take your example, he would probably say he was doing the drive at midnight because he'll sleep better if the car is on the drive and not on the road and he could see I'd been busy. I can see this being his train of thought but without the 'could see I've been busy' and more 'she could at least have done it properly so we could put the car in a safe place.'

we spent the first 10 years of our marriage fighting over his expectations of the house.

He is better now, he doesn't say anything and it's easier to keep it cleaner and tidier with teens plus he does do quite a bit. It was the combination of me working so much plus him away not doing his generally tidying up, and snow trailing in and out, that meant the house was a bit if a mess even by my standards! Not the welcome home I wanted. So I felt bad that it wasn't nice, and I then shouted at him (even less welcome) partly because I felt like his standards have stressed me out over the years and still do.

Ah yes, you're sensitised to it over the years, so he doesn't even have to say it(?), you're tuned in to it.

Personally I think it's great your kids had a snowball fight with the neighbours and it doesn't matter about the drive. But mileages vary.

I'm not sure what your way forward is, as it's a pattern deeply scored into the relationship, whether its worth trying relationship counselling for communication or to try to remove it as "hot button" topic for you.

I'm not totally clear whether he's stopped the critical talk and you're picking up on cues that perhaps you could ignore, or whether he's continuing to be critical.

He's generally dropped very direct criticism. But today, for example, there was a bit of washing up left from last night (stuff I took to the neighbours and our breakfast stuff). I got up early and did the washing up from yesterday's dinner, but these extra bits didn't fit on the drying rack. Anyway so I went in the kitchen just now to put away the other stuff and finish it up/ do lunch washing up - and it was already done. I said, "Thanks for washing up - you shouldn't have done it, I was going to do it." I said it genuinely gratefully I think, maybe a bit defensively. He said, "Well it's been there all day!" (Annoyed voice!). So... That kind of thing quite often. Not a direct criticism but he's very PA. I forget specific incidences but I guess it's lots of bits like this which build up.

Perhaps you could try being less defensive yourself? Try to just say "thanks for doing the washing up".

Why shouldn't he do the washing up if it's there to do?

You work full-time(?), you did double hours last week, you have sole responsibility for the house and kids when he's away - why shouldn't he pick up chores when he's at home?

Are you actually happier and less stressed when he's away?

I have been in the past. This time was more difficult because of the extra work and a group we lead ad a team which I get to do on my own for 2 sessions. The kids seemed harder work too and it was longer than usual that he was away. For work he'd go for max a week, but this time was 2 weeks. I was looking forward to him coming back because I was starting to feel I was struggling although I did feel happier and more energetic than usual in the first week.

I work part time. Last week was full time because of doubling my hours. I have some health issues which mean I require a lot of rest.

Why shouldn't he do the washing up if it's there to do?

Well he wasn't there when we ate the stuff and went to the party so I felt bad. He went back to work this morning (from home) jet lagged. I don't think he saw it as helping out getting stuck in, but just as him compensating for my lack of 'getting things done'.

it sounds like his expectations of you are very high (in terms of keeping the house neat etc) and you have internalised the expectations and now put too much pressure on yourself.

let him do jobs about the house. you don't have to take on everything.

If you make a list of chores over the week, what % does he do? make sure you include the planning things like organising the kids etc. Does he actually pull his weight, or just do the showy obvious things?

He does do a lot actually considering he works full time and earns about 10x more than me. He does most of the school stuff eg. Info on snow days, topping up money. I do most of the health stuff and the school pick ups, drop offs as it's on my way to/ fro work. He does all the washing up, hoovering (some), walking dog (some) and some tidying. He doesn't sort or organize things. I do all cooking, shopping, washing, folding, present buying, cleaning, proper sorting etc. I would say he gets more spare time as most of my spare time is sleeping!