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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is this my problem?

34 replies

ComingRoundAgain · 12/12/2022 00:31

Short version is bf read my phone whilst i was out of the room. He read my ‘notes’ where I wrote some fairly nasty stuff.

These notes are where I privately rant and let off steam and say the things I can’t say out loud. Basically a journal.

He hasn’t said anything nasty back, or had a go at me, but said he was sleeping downstairs.

I know he’s going to be hurt by what he read. But idk how much this is my problem. Yes, it must have been heart breaking, if not unsurprising. But… I didn’t say these things to his face, and I didn’t ask him to read my phone.

So is this my problem to fix it? Apologise / explain / appease? Or not.

If you want background, no, this is not a relationship I particularly want to be in but for lots of reasons (mostly financial) neither of us will be going anywhere soon.

OP posts:
Eyerollcentral · 12/12/2022 00:54

Obvs it’s wrong he read your phone, horrible to read someone else’s diary though. It’s not wrong of you to write down your thoughts. Was he checking your phone because he thinks there is someone else? Sounds miserable for both. You may find he isn’t keen to remain together no matter what the financial circumstances but I suppose that is probably what needs to happen

Christmasnero · 12/12/2022 01:03

You’re entitled to whatever thoughts you want
I imagine it’s still hurtful to read, but that’s his own fault he shouldn’t have read it

Allsnotwell · 12/12/2022 01:07

Well clearly you aren’t being honest with him are you?
If you maybe said what you think thing would be a lot more straight forward for both of you?

Clearly this relationship needs to end and you need to state what you want.

dolor · 12/12/2022 01:15

Always lock the notes in your phone.

You're entitled to privacy and if he found something he didn't like, then he needs to sit and talk to you about it, but you clearly need to learn to tell him when he's being an arse.

Snooping phones etc is out of order unless people have genuine concern about infidelity etc. If he's the kind to want to know your every move, then he needs to sort himself out.

Unless of course there's more to this.

FloydPepper · 12/12/2022 01:24

What had you said about him?

I wonder if he’d felt something was off and “followed his gut” and checked the phone. It’s standard advice on here.

Original poster
ComingRoundAgain · 12/12/2022 09:40

@FloydPepper stuff like “I hate you”. The notes were mostly messages I’d written and hadn’t sent, or just trying to pep talk myself.

Things I don’t mean as a standard, permanent state, but things I definitely mean at the time but which really shouldn’t be said to someone’s face.

He has untreated adhd alongside what he would call “an unhealthy relationship with food and drink”, and I would call an eating disorder and a drinking problem.

I find it incredibly hard to deal with certain aspects of living him. Latest examples are…

I went out Saturday night, came home gone 12 and I can’t unlock the front door because he’s put the chain on. I can’t unlock the back door because he left the key in. It’s -2c and I’m outside banging and throwing things at the window for 10 mins not knowing if I’m going to have anywhere to sleep that night.

Or today my 12yo daughter finds the ‘elf’ up-skirting the tree angel. My kids don’t ‘do’ the elf. We never have and it’s not a thing for them. His kids aren’t here. So now my nearly teen is wondering why my bf has put the elf up the angel’s skirt. Like… wtf?!!

So in these instances I can tell him to his face that I hate his guts and he has zero fucking brain cells. Or I can write it down, sob with frustration and move on.

OP posts:
EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 12/12/2022 10:54

It is your problem in the sense that you are still trying to maintain a relationship with a man who, at best, you dislike, and at worst actively hate.

Could you agree that if you don't currently want the financial hit of leaving, you can live together as housemates only? That might take the anger and resentment out of the current situation.

Original poster
ComingRoundAgain · 12/12/2022 11:00

Well, that’s what I think the situation is. But I think his adhd limits his ability to put us into a new box. Or at least slows down his processing of that.

And yeah, I guess as we still live together I need to fix it to some degree. And reassert some boundaries.

Urgh… what a ball ache 🤦🏻‍♀️

OP posts:
Eyerollcentral · 12/12/2022 12:37

The elf example is odd. The locking the door example is not anything to particularly het up about. If he is v overweight and has a drink problem, was he always like that? Looks like he doesn’t really know there are problems from your examples. Obvs if has no idea how you feel it’s much more shocking. Feels like you have left a lot out.
was he looking for texts from someone else on your phone? What was he looking for?

Monsteraobliqua · 12/12/2022 12:38

But both of those situations merited a discussion, even if you didn't need to tell him you hated him at the time. The elf was an inappropriate joke around kids and he left you locked out in the middle of the night when it was freezing.

It doesn't sound like there's much to work with relationship wise so I agree that it would be good to reframe things as temporary flat mates, with some ground rules such as no new partners in the house etc, just until you or he can afford to move out. You're not responsible for managing his conditions. He will have to accept it. Just let him know if you don't want to be with him, even if the logistics take a bit more time to sort out.

Original poster
ComingRoundAgain · 12/12/2022 12:51

@Eyerollcentral he’s not over weight. He’s very skinny. He wasn’t always like this. It started when he found out his ex had been sleeping around for the 10 yrs they were together and he was no longer certain his kids were his

OP posts:
amiold · 12/12/2022 12:56

The elf upskirting the angel is clearly a joke

He shouldn't go through your phone but if I went through my partners phone and he was writing awful things about me in his notes I'd leave. Whether I had no money or whatever. Toxic. I'd leave you

Original poster
ComingRoundAgain · 12/12/2022 12:57

@Monsteraobliqua it’s not that I don’t care about him. Or that I don’t want to help with take better care of himself. It’s just that I can’t manage my own frustrations around his adhd and Eating/drinking and it’s just giving me more stress than I can handle.

He is a very sweet man and loves (or used to) me dearly. He will often say how he wants to look after me etc etc, but seriously, seeing as he can hardly look after himself I don’t think he’s fit to look after another adult (I don’t need looking after, I have a life long autoimmune disease and he has saviour complex).

Plus, I really shouldn’t have my kids around an alcoholic (even a functioning one) with an eating disorder. Or am I being over dramatic?

OP posts:
Bananalanacake · 12/12/2022 13:10

You're right. not good to have your DC with an alcoholic in the house. I hope he only drinks when they are not around.

Original poster
ComingRoundAgain · 12/12/2022 13:17

He might have a beer at dinner time, but it’s mostly after they’ll all in bed (his and mine). But then, I’m fairly sure my DC’s dad drinks wine most nights, they are very familiar with the nuanced differences of various grapes 🙄. So yes, not ideal, but no catastrophic right now.

OP posts:
Eyerollcentral · 12/12/2022 13:28

So is there someone else on the scene? Why was he checking your phone?
There’s a lot of heavy labels being thrown around about eating disorders, functional alcoholism and adhd - has adhd been diagnosed? Why won’t he consider medication or other treatment?
If you don’t want to be with someone you just finish with them, you don’t need to excuse yourself by saying he has x, y and z wrong with him. It’s especially wounding you do that to someone to justify your actions if you are interested in/seeing someone else

Original poster
ComingRoundAgain · 12/12/2022 13:37

No there’s no one else!

And I wasn’t banding around his issues as an excuse for me being furious with him because he wasn’t supposed to be on my phone.

He has access to my phone for various historical reasons due to his past. I just wasn’t expecting him to trawl through 100s of my phone notes.

OP posts:
Reugny · 12/12/2022 13:38

You need to split with him and sort your head out.

Oh and you should always lock your phone. Your kids can get to it and also, if you work, would any colleagues plus if you lose it so could a thief.

Reugny · 12/12/2022 13:39

He has access to my phone for various historical reasons due to his past. I just wasn’t expecting him to trawl through 100s of my phone notes.

Why are his mistrust issues your problem?

Don't stay in relationships with people who don't expect you to behave appropriately as when they decide to cheat or whatever they will turn it on you.

Eyerollcentral · 12/12/2022 14:25

If you don’t love him finish with him. So he has access to your phone. It’s the drip feed manner of you giving the information that made me suspicious.

Cherrysoup · 12/12/2022 14:30

Eyerollcentral · 12/12/2022 12:37

The elf example is odd. The locking the door example is not anything to particularly het up about. If he is v overweight and has a drink problem, was he always like that? Looks like he doesn’t really know there are problems from your examples. Obvs if has no idea how you feel it’s much more shocking. Feels like you have left a lot out.
was he looking for texts from someone else on your phone? What was he looking for?

Seriously? She shouldn’t get het up about being locked out of her house? I’d be raging. That’s a very deliberate thing to do, putting on the chain.

ChangedmynameagainforChristmas · 12/12/2022 14:36

Op In my experience which is limited to me only, when a man says he wants to look after you he really means he wants to control you

Original poster
ComingRoundAgain · 12/12/2022 14:43

@Cherrysoup honestly I thought there was a chance I’d just freeze to death in the car

OP posts:
Eyerollcentral · 12/12/2022 14:52

@cherrysoup @ComingRoundAgain as in it’s a common enough innocent error for people to make as they usually put the chain on when going to bed or locking up for the night. Unless there is another massive drip feed coming it doesn’t appear the OP’s boyfriend thought I’ll show the bitch and deliberately locked her out. But you didn’t have to sleep in the car @ComingRoundAgain it was a pretty minor inconvenience. You seem really determined to have others believe that your boyfriend is a tyrant but have provided next to no evidence. Who cannot afford to move out or is it problem for both of you?

Beautiful3 · 12/12/2022 15:00

Personally I think its poor judgment, to allow your children around a functioning alcoholic. I'd tell him to move out. The children come first.