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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Is this my problem?

34 replies

ComingRoundAgain · 12/12/2022 00:31

Short version is bf read my phone whilst i was out of the room. He read my ‘notes’ where I wrote some fairly nasty stuff.

These notes are where I privately rant and let off steam and say the things I can’t say out loud. Basically a journal.

He hasn’t said anything nasty back, or had a go at me, but said he was sleeping downstairs.

I know he’s going to be hurt by what he read. But idk how much this is my problem. Yes, it must have been heart breaking, if not unsurprising. But… I didn’t say these things to his face, and I didn’t ask him to read my phone.

So is this my problem to fix it? Apologise / explain / appease? Or not.

If you want background, no, this is not a relationship I particularly want to be in but for lots of reasons (mostly financial) neither of us will be going anywhere soon.

OP posts:

Cherrysoup · 12/12/2022 15:14

Eyerollcentral · 12/12/2022 14:52

@cherrysoup @ComingRoundAgain as in it’s a common enough innocent error for people to make as they usually put the chain on when going to bed or locking up for the night. Unless there is another massive drip feed coming it doesn’t appear the OP’s boyfriend thought I’ll show the bitch and deliberately locked her out. But you didn’t have to sleep in the car @ComingRoundAgain it was a pretty minor inconvenience. You seem really determined to have others believe that your boyfriend is a tyrant but have provided next to no evidence. Who cannot afford to move out or is it problem for both of you?

No, I don’t agree. Her dp knew she was out, you can’t imagine that was an innocent automatic ‘must put on the chain’?

Original poster

ComingRoundAgain · 12/12/2022 15:15

@Eyerollcentral I don’t think at any point I suggested he locked me out on purpose. If I’m being generous I’d put it down to his adhd and lack of executive functioning. If I was being mean I’d say it’s because he’s incapable of engaging any brain cells

OP posts:

Choconut · 12/12/2022 15:18

He was wrong to read your phone but why do you keep these rants? Why don't you delete them the next day? I can't imagine having pages and pages of vitriol against someone and keeping them all on a phone. Do you read through them to keep reminding yourself how much you hate him and how useless he is? I think it's just a really, really horrible thing to have - a journal of hatred.

This sounds absolutely miserable and I can't imagine what it's doing to his self esteem especially now he has read all that. Did he have any idea before or did he think things were fine while you simmered silently?

You don't seem to have much empathy over the fact that his ex had been sleeping around for the 10 yrs they were together and that he was no longer certain his kids were his either, I can't even begin to imagine the trauma that would cause.

It just all sounds very sad and very horrible.

Eyerollcentral · 12/12/2022 15:27

@Cherrysoup I mean I don’t lack brain cells and am not motivated by spite but I have definitely put the chain on when I shouldn’t have from simply being on auto pilot. The OP has said she doesn’t think he did it on purpose.
@ComingRoundAgain what are the financial issues that are preventing you from finishing the relationship now? Is it his house or yours or do you jointly own/rent it?

Original poster

ComingRoundAgain · 12/12/2022 15:38

Jointly owned, and juts general cost of things. I mean, if I worked 40hrs instead of 30, for shared ownership 2 bed therefore claiming the housing element to cover the rent, I’d have £200 left after paying bills, food, diesel. So not impossible. Just not comfortable. Feels too
close to the bone.

OP posts:

Eyerollcentral · 12/12/2022 15:52

its wrong on every level to stay with a man just because you would have less money by leaving him. No wonder he has been stunned in to silence. What you are proposing to continue doing is really bad. You are using him. Have a bit of dignity and end it now. Apart from anything else your jointly owned house is likely to worth a lot less next next year

pinkyredrose · 12/12/2022 16:55

Is his Adhd diagnosed? Why can't you ask him to move out?

dolor · 12/12/2022 17:12

I have ADHD and I wouldn't put up with that.

It's not kind because having this godawful condition is a nightmare, but it's not at all fair for someone else to be affected by it, especially where children are concerned. I live alone for a reason.

I'm not saying everyone with ADHD should live alone and not be involved with anyone who's got kids, or have children of their own, but when you have something like this going on, if you aren't working on managing the condition, then it's not fair to inflict it on others.

My recent ex has maaaajor unmedicated ADHD, and he has gone through life taking a multitude of drugs, drinks a lot of booze, and has hideous anger and violence problems. All of his symptoms are exacerbated by drug and alcohol misuse, so I got rid. It sounds like it's time for him to go.

GreenManalishi · 12/12/2022 17:26

So not impossible. Just not comfortable.

You don't sound so comfortable where you are now, in all honesty.

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