With a drinker and dreading Christmas/NY celebrations

[FillyTilly]

Anyone else feel like this? Its already started really, drinking more at any opportunity. Once he finishes work on 23rd, it will be 10 days of no holes barred drinking🙄

Does his behaviour become violent and challenging when he's had a bit to drink?

No not violent but more shouty/short tempered/slams doors

It gets worse.

My ex was like this. I dumped him. Sets a terrible example to the children. Im alone but no longer living in fear and dread.

Why do you accept this OP?

Kick him out and enjoy Christmas and New Year without an aggressive man in your home.

You need to make the decision to separate. I would do it before Christmas. Is there anyway you can go to with your children?

You deserve better than this life, but I know it’s not straightforward

You don't have to put up with this op. You do have a choice.

@FillyTilly

Please seek out your local chapter of AlAnon. It's specifically for the families of alcoholics. They are an invaluable source of IRL support and knowledge.

Remember:
You didn't cause it
You can't control it
You can't cure it

You deserve so much more, you deserve a happy and peaceful life. Is there a reason you're staying with him? Nothing is worth staying with an alcoholic. Not money, not 'for the children', not 'but I love him'. NOTHING.

Do you want to leave? People on MN have a lot of advice and information about how to leave a bad relationship. And very good listening ears!

This sounds dire.

You don’t give your circumstances…. But if it isn’t your home, you may need to go to a refuge, especially if you have children.

However, apparently this is a good time, most refuges don’t get so many applications just before Christmas, afterwards is busy!

Why are you letting this person make you uncomfortable in your own home. Do you have DC together, who owns the property.

I remember that feeling well. Utter dread and praying he would pass out quickly without getting violent.
He is not going to change.
How would your life change if he magically went to live somewhere else? What would have to happen to get you to leave?

You know what you need to do.

Do you have DC at home?

I was married to a drunken baboon. Leaving him was one of the best things I'd ever done.

At the moment, he drinks daily. Around 4 cans of beer, more at the weekend. He doesn’t think there is a problem as he holds down a job, feels he drinks the same as everyone else.

weve been together a long time. Have school age kids.

i just feel like he prioritises drinking over us. Like yesterday, spent the afternoon drinking and watching sport than coming to a christmas panto with us. I ended up with a spare ticket as my friend was poorly, it was all last minute but he would rather stay in boozing.

i said last Christmas was going to be my last with him 🤷🏻‍♀️

I've just watched a documentary about alcoholics at the end of their road - recommended by someone on the "good documentaries" thread.

It's very harrowing but nothing was stopping those people drinking. They were in so much denial of their self destructive behaviour.

Felt so sorry for them as they had no insight and little capacity to turn it around. Several of them died and it's a very long drawn out grim death, to die of alcoholism.

I don't know what you can do but if your DH can't get insight into what he's doing and continues to normalise drinking way more than sensible - and to be oblivious to the impact on his family - then what can you do but leave.

I feel for you op and I don't want to be the poster who screams "think of your DC" but . . . . .
As a child of a drinker (df) it really affects your childhood.
My dsis and I spent our childhood dreading dfs moods, would he come home happy or in a foul mood, would there be shouting, door slamming, my DM in tears, it's a dreadful way to live.
Even when he was happy it didn't take much to set him off, a look, a word, it was like he was waiting for an opportunity.
I've posted my experience before on someone's thread, I was always the "naughty" DC and as such was subjected to physical attacks, dragged out of bed by my hair, then pulled downstairs and beaten.
This was back in the day when some men would go to the pub at lunchtime and go for a few on the way home from work then continue drinking at home.
As children / teenagers we would creep around the house trying not to disturb df, he would eventually go to bed and we'd breathe a collective sigh of relief.
Practically every Christmas was ruined due to his drinking then turning nasty.
Even when I'd left home my DM would pick me up and she'd be in tears, sometimes to the point where she'd have to pull over because she couldn't see to drive.
I always wondered why DM didn't leave him but as I've got older I've realised that it was a different era, there wasn't the help that there is now.
Save yourself op, not just for your DC but for yourself, you deserve so much better ❤️

I grew up as the child in this situation. Please leave, I know it’s hard but it’s harder to stay.

@FillyTilly I was in your position. Was with a drinker. I dreaded Christmas as he had 2 weeks off work so it was just an excuse to drink every day starting early afternoon. I used to say “please don’t use this time off as a reason to drink”. But he would still drink everyday and in his head he thought he was doing well just because he “only” drank 4 beers on a few of those days. We aren’t together anymore, I left. I miss him but I don’t miss his drinking. The smell. That dreaded feeling you get when you hear a can being opened. My ex also worked and held down a job. But it always felt like he was on countdown til his next drink. If we were out and he needed the toilet he would go in the pub and get a pint so he could use their toilet. He couldn’t just go in and have a quick orange juice. Have you tried counting how many units he is averaging weekly?

For anything to change op it's going to have to come from you. Drinkers rarely change. You're the one that's going to have to move out of your comfort zone and move on with your dc. I did it. It can be done. It was the best thing I ever did for me and the dc.

re your comment:
"weve been together a long time. Have school age kids".

Do not get bogged down in your sunk costs; this thinking re, "we've been together a long time" is an example of this. The sunk costs fallacy helps people to keep on making poor relationship decisions. You staying with him for what are really your own reasons (perhaps fear of him, money worries, fear of being alone, being codependent and thus putting his needs before your own) is a poor relationship decision.

You having children is even more reason to get your alcoholic H out of your day to day lives. An alcoholic parent will affect them to their detriment, you trying to protect them whilst you are all under the same roof is impossible. What do you want to teach them about relationships and what are they learning here?. This is no relationship model to show them.

"I just feel like he prioritises drinking over us"

He is indeed doing this so how many more times do you need to be shown this is the case?. His primary relationship is with drink, not with you people and its never been with you people either.

Did you grow up seeing a heavily drinking parent or other relative too?.

@AttilaTheMeerkat I left but I didn’t have kids. I think with kids you would also have to consider before leaving that the alcoholic parent would possibly get 50/50 custody of the kids. Would you want your kids to be with an alcoholic 50% of the time? At least she knows her kids are safe when she’s around.

I'm sorry you're in this situation. I feel like you must have had a parent with an alcohol problem to think this behaviour is normal-ish and that it's OK to stay? I wouldn't be with someone who was described as "a drinker" or who drank four beers everyday and more on weekends.

You and your kids deserve better than this. What are you worried about that stops you leaving? Maybe we can help you see a way forward.