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Original poster

With a drinker and dreading Christmas/NY celebrations

49 replies

FillyTilly · 11/12/2022 22:56

Anyone else feel like this? Its already started really, drinking more at any opportunity. Once he finishes work on 23rd, it will be 10 days of no holes barred drinking🙄

OP posts:

Original poster

FillyTilly · 12/12/2022 10:06

I think worried of being on my own managing the kids which is silly because i am primary parent now. They come to me to ask for decisions to be made. Im worried financially can i afford to go it alone. We both work full time. Im not sure he would want 50/50, his work pattern wouldn’t allow for that really. However i do think him having every other weekend would be nice to give me a break and (hopefully) make him pull his socks up to look after them/do stuff with them. I take them to all weekend activities, school events, friends birthday party's/playdates etc.

i didnt grow up in a house with an alcoholic. Ive never been around one but i would say my upbringing was dysfunctional. Big family and parents just not interested in any of us. His side all like a drink, its at the centre of everything they do.

yes the stale smell of alcohol, the opening of a can, all things i hate.

thing is, ive tried to talk to him about units (i say he drinks around 70-80 a week usually) but he will put me down by saying 4 cans a night isnt bad, a 440ml can isnt even a pint so 4 cans is around 2.5 pints. I dont think thats true. If i mention the units thing or im worried about his health and setting a good example for the kids etc he just tells me im making a big deal of it all. Everyone he knows has a drink and im the fun police. I can take it or leave it. I dont really drink these days as someone needs to be in control of the kids.

OP posts:

Original poster

FillyTilly · 12/12/2022 10:08

Would you say he was a functioning alcoholic?

OP posts:

Moonatics · 12/12/2022 10:15

FillyTilly · 12/12/2022 10:08

Would you say he was a functioning alcoholic?

I'd say it doesn't matter what you call it.
Call it any name you like, doesnt change his behaviour.

ThisIsntDanicaBritannica · 12/12/2022 10:21

I don't know if you have any children, OP, but my stepfather was a drinker so here's my take. He was with my mother since I was ten years old. Even now, the warm up to the festive period fills me with cold dread. All the lights and tinsel just remind me of 24hour drinking and belligerence from him, with me running from the room in tears, yet again, as he was so nasty and I didn't understand what I'd done wrong. He'd take the piss out of me as my family on biological fathers side are Italian American and mixed race. Oh and unbeknownst to my me bio dad had died when I was a baby, that was hilarious and fair game too apparently.
I try to have good Christmases for my own family but it brings it all back and it's hard. He died last year which has eased it somewhat, although I hadn't seen him for over 15years anyway.
If he doesn't see the problem, then there is NO CHANCE of him changing. None. And you are not obliged to stay on the sinking ship with him.
I hope you can start planning for a better Christmas next year.

Onewildandpreciouslife · 12/12/2022 10:25

It doesn’t matter if he can be described as a “functioning alcoholic” or not. His behaviour is making you unhappy. There’s no point arguing with him about how many units he has. All you can do is honestly tell him how it makes you feel- what he does with that information is up to him.

This time last year my DH was in tears about my drinking, and told me he was dreading Christmas with me. That didn’t make me stop instantly, but I’m now 8 months sober. I’m not saying you should keep giving him more chances- all I’m saying is no one can argue with how you feel. Good luck.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 12/12/2022 10:25

I doubt very much if he wants the children around at all let alone half the week as he does not seem all that bothered with them now. They would also interfere with his drinking time because his primary relationship is with drink.

ThisIsntDanicaBritannica · 12/12/2022 10:26

Sorry OP I see you do have dc. Yes he is an alcoholic, no he won't admit to it, and will tell you any old shit to 'prove' that he is 'right.' But it matters not one bit. It's an awful way for you and your DC to live, and it's fine for you to decide, for ANY reason, that you do not want to stay and watch him drink himself to death, which he will, by the way, given enough time.
I totally get the fear of coping alone, especially financially. You are a smart woman, I hope you can find a way.

Name99 · 12/12/2022 10:27

A functioning alcoholic only functions for so long
Hes an alcoholic functioning or not functioning

AttilaTheMeerkat · 12/12/2022 10:34

Feel the fear and do it anyway. Do not be in this same position next Christmas because you will kick yourself if you are. Consider also seeking legal advice as knowledge is also power.

Bigjigwig · 12/12/2022 10:55

@FillyTilly yes he is a functioning alcoholic. And I would bet that he is drinking more than you are aware of too. He is dependent on it because he can’t give it up, not even his “4 cans a night”. Ask yourself, if you started matching what he drank would there be a suitable parent to look after the kids? No. So you are enabling him to be an unsuitable parent by picking up the slack.

YRGAM · 12/12/2022 11:08

Another child of an alcoholic here - Christmas will always have those memories for me. I like beer now and sometimes have one or two in the house, but absolutely never ever at Christmas, the memories are too painful. I really empathise with the poster saying she/he didn't know what they'd done wrong when their father was being horrible, that really struck a chord with me. All that to say OP that if you can get your children out of there at Christmas, even if it's to grandparents, it will help

ICanHideButICantRun · 12/12/2022 11:17

Doesn't the can list the units on it?

cushioncovers · 12/12/2022 11:56

You've just got to bite the bullet op and throw yourself into planning to leave. There's no way to sugar coat it. It will be scary but it's doable.

DosCervezas · 12/12/2022 12:20

4 cans if beer a day is probably around 50 units of alcohol a week if its everyday and certainly puts him into a serious health risk category, but if he's having a few alcohol day free days a week, 4 cans when he drinks isn't really a massive amount and probably at the lower end of consumption for a beer session for many people.

It's not fair that you're dreading Christmas and that he becomes unpleasant with drink, but a lot of people will be at some level of inebriation throughout Christmas, it's not unusual behaviour.
But if this is something you don't approve of and he won't stop you probably are at the point of questioning if you have a future together.

Original poster

FillyTilly · 12/12/2022 13:07

No he’s generally not having any days off. Or if he does, im dubious whether hes had a drink or not. Sometimes hes a bit sneaky and will pop empties to the recycling bin very quietly. My concerns are over his health.

OP posts:

billy1966 · 12/12/2022 13:12

Your poor children being raised with a functioning alcoholic.

They will very soon know that their house is different.

You cannot fix him but you can save yourself and your children.

Save them and yourself.

Could you pack up and go to family rather than expose them to this?

Aquamarine1029 · 12/12/2022 13:12

My concerns are over his health.

Fuck him and his health. Your concern should be for your children growing up with an alcoholic. Read about the ramifications of children being raised by alcoholic parents, it's not pretty. It's something that taints their entire lives.

OwlingAround · 12/12/2022 13:15

Functioning alcoholic is a stupid term.

So because you’re not pouring vodka on your cornflakes or sleeping on a park bench, it’s all ok?

Daily drinking, heavy drinking, not being able to control your drinking, drinking that affects your relationships and impacts on your kids = alcoholism.

You don’t have to put up with this and in fact , for the sake of your DC growing up around this, I’d urge you to think hard about whether you’re going to accept this life and for how much longer…

mollyblack · 12/12/2022 13:19

Sending so much love, I have known how you feel.

For those saying leave, I agree, but also having been in a similar position sometimes it feels safer/better to stay so as to not have to share custody. There is not an easy answer.

I gave an ultimatum and my partner quit drinking, but it could easily, and I expected it to, have gone another way, I was fully prepared to follow through- and I had nothing so it was going to be very hard.

Keep talking here if you need to xx

Bigjigwig · 12/12/2022 13:26

@FillyTilly that is another major red flag, him quietly hiding empties. I’ve been there where my ex was doing this and I have no doubt you don’t know the full extent of his drinking. I got to the point where I was looking in the bottle bin and totting them up and it was funny how there were 8 bottles in there when I only saw him drunk 4! Alcoholics are very sneaky and learn how to lie and hide the real truth. I understand how hard it is to leave, im still not over leaving and we didn’t have kids. But I also know now that I’m out of the situation I wouldn’t want to go back to that. I love him, but it’s so nice being in my own house, not seeing cans and bottles every morning, the bottle bin being half empty rather than overflowing with cans, the smell of stale ale not being around, etc. How is he regarding intimacy as that was also another issue I found. How old are your kids?

Cherrysoup · 12/12/2022 14:26

Alcohol totally ruined my relationship with my parents. Dad was in a job where it was (unbelievably) normal to get pissed and just be sociable throughout his shifts, mum then turned to booze when her school closed down. My brother can’t stand either of them, he only ever saw dad pissed and angry. I was golden daughter so escaped the anger, but him and his mates turning up raucously drunk was very disruptive. They’d rather have been in the pub than with us. Our childhood was very emotionally neglectful.

You said last Christmas was your last one there, OP, why have you not left? Is it the money? The upheaval? I promise you, your dc will thank you for it.

Original poster

FillyTilly · 12/12/2022 14:32

Sometimes i havent seen him drink, but i know he has because he has a look in his eye, cant really describe it and i know hes on edge because its almost like hes trying to act normal iykwim! Once i brushed past him and caught his beer breath. I said - have you been drinking and he got all offended and upset that he “works all week, am i not allowed to have a drink to relax in the evening”. Ooh ok then

OP posts:

AttilaTheMeerkat · 12/12/2022 14:36

"My concerns are over his health".

Why is his health your overriding concern?. Women are not rehab centres for such men yet here you still are. What is keeping you with him and what is preventing you taking steps to get out of this marriage?. Those are questions you need to ask and answer for your own self. You are still getting something out of this relationship; the question is what. If you are not getting anything out of it then what is the point of staying?.

If your children as adults were in such a marriage (heaven forbid but the two of you are providing the blueprint for their adult relationships) what would your counsel be to them?.

You are likely to be in a codependent relationship with your H (alcoholism and codependency often go hand in hand) but his needs are not more important than your own or that of your children's. I would think he is not overtly concerned that he missed his children's Christmas play nor is concerned that you will once again dread Christmas because of his drinking. Alcoholics will use any excuse, let alone occasion, to drink. It is not easy to leave but its a damn sight harder to stay and you will merely continue to play out the roles associated with such spouses (enabler, codependent partner, provoker) if you do.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 12/12/2022 14:44

Your children will pick up on all the vibes here, both spoken and unspoken, when it comes to their dad. They are taking their cues here also from you. You are also showing them how to behave around their father.

My guess too is that your children are very quiet, hypervigilent to the mood of the household and subserviant when he is around. It is highly damaging to grow up in such a household because there is always an undercurrent of fear and or resentment bubbling away beneath an apparantly calm surface. And your H remains volatile; they more likely than not hear him slamming doors repeatedly.

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