Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Overreacting or trust my gut?

77 replies

biscuiteater94 · 11/12/2022 20:53

Hi everyone.

In a predicament and would appreciate impartial second opinions please!

Been with bf for 6 months, both mid twenties, I’m his first gf.

Things have been said/happened that niggle at me but I can’t tell if it’s just me being insecure/overthinking?

Looks are very important to him. He’ll frequently comment on women he finds attractive (actresses, exes, women he knows), size of their boobs, that kind of thing. Before meeting my family he asked me if I was the most attractive woman in my family and if my mum was a MILF (as a joke…) He did lots of OLD before we met and (before anyone says why are you looking, I think a man’s social media presence can be very insightful about their character) and I found that he has kept them on his social media (which is fine) but he exclusively likes revealing photos of them, rather than standard cute dog or coffee photos if you catch my drift. He also said that he wishes I would post more photos of me looking nice on SM because “I don’t look nice in my photos” (I never share selfies, if I do, it’s because I’m doing something as a joke where I definitely don’t look like a model, I hate taking myself seriously on SM). He’s got lots of female friends (which again is totally fine and I have liked in previous partners) but these relationships are very flirty. Finally, I’m fairly attractive, which he compliments me on a lot which is lovely, but sometimes he’ll talk about my appearance so much (you’d like good with this hairstyle or that dress etc) that I don’t feel that he ‘gets’ me on a deeper level. It also makes me worry about what will happen if we have children and as I age etc.

My gut is saying that he is immature and unaware but not a bad guy, but at the same time to get out as this will erode my self-esteem over time. What do you think? AIBU?

OP posts:
Watchkeys · 12/12/2022 11:15

immature and unaware

If this is the best case scenario, why would you want a relationship with him in any case?

Mari9999 · 12/12/2022 11:37

If he is in his mid 20s and you are his first girlfriend, it may just be a case of immaturity or delayed development. If you don't want to be a part of his growing up or maturation process, let him go and you find a fully grown adult partner.

Original poster
biscuiteater94 · 12/12/2022 11:40

Hi everyone. Thank you for coming back to me. You’re right, will end it tonight. To top it off, I just found out one of the girls whose revealing photos he’s been liking is a colleague who made my spider senses tingle when he mentioned previously what good “banter” they have 🙄 I’m going to give a very generic reason so he can’t try to fix things. I know he’s going to be devastated. Should have thought about that before leaning out of the relationship.

OP posts:
Original poster
biscuiteater94 · 12/12/2022 11:44

Won’t doubt myself in future either. You just hear so many people say to women some variation of “It’s normal to find other people attractive/ you’re overreacting” etc which I guess made me second guess myself.

OP posts:
hugefanofcheese · 12/12/2022 12:31

biscuiteater94 · 12/12/2022 11:44

Won’t doubt myself in future either. You just hear so many people say to women some variation of “It’s normal to find other people attractive/ you’re overreacting” etc which I guess made me second guess myself.

Good on you. You won't regret distancing yourself from this tosser. It's normal to think other people are attractive from time to time, but it isn't normal to bang on about it, and show it publicly. That's disrespectful and childish.

billy1966 · 12/12/2022 13:08

Delighted to read you are dumping this insecure, shallow creep.

This isn't immaturity, this is who he is.

An insecure, shallow creep.

The guy in the office that is always eyeing up colleagues and doesn't realise they all know he's a creep.

Your gut is working just fine.

Trust it.

Pinkbonbon · 12/12/2022 15:08

Yeah its not good op.

I still struggle to think of my first ex as a bad guy. But he did all those things you mention like commenting on actresses ect, progressing onto 'why couldn't you dress more like such and such (TV person or other girl we knew). The goal is to make you feel 'maybe he doesn't think I'm good enough for him'. To attack your self esteem.

In time he started to use narcissistic triangulation (when they play you off against other women ect...).

I thought he was immature and selfish but years later I ran into him and woth 5 minutes of a quick chat he was already trying to play me off against his ex again. I felt sad, I think even though i left him all those years ago because he was being a prat (and I decided I had to choose myself) you always have rose tinted glasses for a first love.

But in that moment I realised - he didn't behave that way because of immaturity or ignorance back then. He did it because he was a horrible shit who wanted women me feel insecure and unloved. And he treated other women exactly the same.

So don't make excuses for him. He has no right tobcriticise your appearance or any other behaviour designed to make you feel 'not enòugh'. A good partner doesn't do this. And neither does a good human bring. Life is too short to waste on assholes.

Choose you.

SlouchingTowardsBethlehemAgain · 12/12/2022 15:16

Yes, get rid of him now so you don't have to inflict this foul little ogler on your family.

piedbeauty · 12/12/2022 15:23

You're his first gf in his mid 20s? Why do you think that is?

He sounds creepy and shallow. Not a keeper. Too many red flags, and a shit attitude towards women.

Berlinlover · 12/12/2022 15:24

He sounds like an arse.

Sandia1 · 12/12/2022 16:01

He may not be devastated...no reflection on you but he loves himself too much

Penguinsmum · 12/12/2022 16:08

Come on! Raise your standards. You know you deserve better than this.

Fireflygal · 12/12/2022 16:22

@biscuiteater94 You have dodged a bullet...given he is in his 20s it's likely his behaviour would get worse and if you objected you would be labelled controlling

Ijuststoodonlego · 12/12/2022 16:31

You're spot on OP. I read your update and think that's a good plan. Well rid x

Sunnytwobridges · 12/12/2022 17:30

Yuck. Men like this don't change, they only get worse and he'll prob be a sex pest at best.

Stressfordays · 12/12/2022 17:36

I just dumped someone who clearly saw me as arm candy and someone to show off (and piss off his ex). He didn't do anything bad or nasty, I just couldn't shake the feeling that is all I was to him. I feel so much more free since!

ICanHideButICantRun · 12/12/2022 17:42

I'm so glad you're dumping him now rather than after Christmas. I'd tell him I was dumping him for being a creep, tbh. He needs to know!

Crikeyalmighty · 12/12/2022 18:00

Sounds a total prick if I'm honest. You will always be looking over your shoulder

emptythelitterbox · 12/12/2022 18:08

Yuk.
Glad you're getting rid.
He's giving off incel vibes.he doesn't really see women as human.
Just objects to have sex with and prop up his frail ego.

2bazookas · 12/12/2022 18:09

NO wonder he'd never had a GF before. Why do you put up with his sexist nonsense?

ChrisTrepidation · 12/12/2022 18:28

He's an immature sleaze. Kick him to the curb and then raise your bar. This guy didn't deserve 6 minutes of your time never mind 6 months.

EL0ISE · 12/12/2022 18:33

biscuiteater94 · 12/12/2022 11:44

Won’t doubt myself in future either. You just hear so many people say to women some variation of “It’s normal to find other people attractive/ you’re overreacting” etc which I guess made me second guess myself.

Yes it’s normal to find other people attractive.

it’s also normal not to mention to your partner. Not every thought that passes through your head needs to be shared.

purplethings · 12/12/2022 18:40

He sounds really shallow

Watchkeys · 12/12/2022 18:50

biscuiteater94 · 12/12/2022 11:44

Won’t doubt myself in future either. You just hear so many people say to women some variation of “It’s normal to find other people attractive/ you’re overreacting” etc which I guess made me second guess myself.

You don't hear people saying 'It's normal to stay in a relationship where your partner makes you feel crappy by talking about finding other people attractive', though.

Boundaries 101: If someone does something you don't like, tell them, calmly, that it makes you feel bad/unhappy/negative/sad/insecure/whatever unpleasant feeling. That's all the conversation there needs to be. 'When you did x, I felt z.' No confrontation, no asking anybody to change, no argument or criticism. Then you watch their response. If it's caring towards your feelings (I feel terrible for making you feel that way, how can we find a compromise?') stick with them. If it's caring towards their feelings ('I didn't do anything wrong/you are wrong to feel that way/What's your problem/Why are you always going on at me etc), create distance between you and them.

If you do this, you'll never be in a shit relationship again, and you'll filter out people who repeatedly hurt you really fast. You'll be generally much happier and confident, because someone will be putting you first and making you feel like you're worth it: you.

Original poster
biscuiteater94 · 12/12/2022 18:51

Thank you all. I’ve just come off the phone to him and it was horrid but I feel so relieved. To all those who say he sounds like an incel, hilariously he considers himself a feminist (the type that considers sex work to be empowering - funny that). Well rid!

OP posts: