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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Overreacting or trust my gut?

77 replies

biscuiteater94 · 11/12/2022 20:53

Hi everyone.

In a predicament and would appreciate impartial second opinions please!

Been with bf for 6 months, both mid twenties, I’m his first gf.

Things have been said/happened that niggle at me but I can’t tell if it’s just me being insecure/overthinking?

Looks are very important to him. He’ll frequently comment on women he finds attractive (actresses, exes, women he knows), size of their boobs, that kind of thing. Before meeting my family he asked me if I was the most attractive woman in my family and if my mum was a MILF (as a joke…) He did lots of OLD before we met and (before anyone says why are you looking, I think a man’s social media presence can be very insightful about their character) and I found that he has kept them on his social media (which is fine) but he exclusively likes revealing photos of them, rather than standard cute dog or coffee photos if you catch my drift. He also said that he wishes I would post more photos of me looking nice on SM because “I don’t look nice in my photos” (I never share selfies, if I do, it’s because I’m doing something as a joke where I definitely don’t look like a model, I hate taking myself seriously on SM). He’s got lots of female friends (which again is totally fine and I have liked in previous partners) but these relationships are very flirty. Finally, I’m fairly attractive, which he compliments me on a lot which is lovely, but sometimes he’ll talk about my appearance so much (you’d like good with this hairstyle or that dress etc) that I don’t feel that he ‘gets’ me on a deeper level. It also makes me worry about what will happen if we have children and as I age etc.

My gut is saying that he is immature and unaware but not a bad guy, but at the same time to get out as this will erode my self-esteem over time. What do you think? AIBU?

OP posts:
PraiseTheSunshine · 11/12/2022 21:39

There are so many red flags here! He sounds shallow and based on what you've said I trust him at all. Bin him🗑️

PraiseTheSunshine · 11/12/2022 21:39

Wouldn't trust him**

Longlongtime · 11/12/2022 21:42

What, you’re going to get him a Christmas present?

SamTG · 11/12/2022 21:46

How has he got exes if you’re his first gf?

He sounds awful anyway, you will be happier.

Blowyourowntrumpet · 11/12/2022 22:04

Why do you want to wait until after Christmas? If you've made the decision, do it ASAP

Liveafr · 11/12/2022 22:44

Trust your guts!

Sandia1 · 11/12/2022 22:50

Exactly - don't wait any longer. It's not like you're living with him or anything. Be kind, let him down gently or whatever. He doesn't need to know you think he's a shallow tw*t if it will make it any easier to do.

ToFindNewWays · 11/12/2022 22:52

Ugh, wtf are you doing with this pathetic little sexist weirdo?

Yeah don’t spend Christmas with him.

FOJN · 11/12/2022 22:53

He sees you an ornament not a fully rounded person.

You deserve better, trust your gut.

beAsensible1 · 11/12/2022 22:55

he seems quite shallow and creepy. And someone who'd definitely erode your self - esteem, or leave if you changed or gained weight in anyway.

Immature and gross.

Opentooffers · 11/12/2022 23:20

It's only been 6 months, it's fine to do it before Xmas. In fact, how awkward to have to be around him then, when you know it's ending? Just get it over with. He's a classic objectifiyer of women - no wonder they haven't wanted to be near him. It's a mystery his gross attitude has taken this long to put you off. He's not even hiding it, it's overt misogyny.

AcrossthePond55 · 11/12/2022 23:32

Unless he's taking you to some wondrously fab Xmas party, why would you wait? I'd want to save myself the cost of a present, possible 'Merry Xmas sex', and having to converse with such a shallow, shallow man.

The best gift you'll give yourself this Xmas is breaking it off with him before Xmas.

Citycentre3 · 12/12/2022 00:14

Defo not relationship material. Get out now.

hugefanofcheese · 12/12/2022 00:22

Sooner you end this the better. Honestly, there's no point dragging it out over Christmas. And don't tolerate any similar shite again. Your recognition of red flags is spot on.

For me, a decade older than you, any sign of a wandering eye is a very significant red flag and to be honest, the end. If someone is showing too much interest in other women then it's a clear sign they're not invested in you and you deserve someone who is.

FetchezLaVache · 12/12/2022 00:32

You are the only thing that stands between him and being an incel, OP. I cleave to the consensus view that you should dump him now and not wait until after Christmas.

OldFan · 12/12/2022 00:40

Ugh, bin.

Appleblum · 12/12/2022 00:47

He sounds so unattractive to me. Doesn't he give you the feeling that he's using you like a trophy wife?

Sorry but I would dump.

heartbroken22 · 12/12/2022 00:52

Life's too short..get rid

TheShellBeach · 12/12/2022 00:55

He sounds very immature and I do not believe that you're his first girlfriend.
I expect he told you that for some reason.
Maybe he has a string of exes who could tell you lots of negative things about him.

Anyway, I agree with everyone else - get rid of him now, not after Christmas.

Amybelle88 · 12/12/2022 00:58

Leg it.

Now.

Marshallislands · 12/12/2022 02:57

If my life depended on it I couldn’t tell you if I’m my husbands type or not. He has never ‘liked’ photos online of women in bikinis and all that stuff, he has never commented on another woman physically, he has never asked me to change anything about myself or said anything like the things in your OP. And we’ve been together decades.

I personally would’ve left him before he met my family after the comments he made around that but for others that would be fine.

You're obviously not fine about any of this though or you wouldn’t ask for others perspectives and if you were my daughter/friend/sister I’d want you to leave him.

Good luck 💐

GoT1904 · 12/12/2022 03:06

I think he just sounds very immature.. you are thinking along the lines of "what will happen if we have children" and he is thinking "she doesn't post good selfies".

He very well be a nice guy, but from the little info we have here he seems a lot more immature than you are. You need someone that matches your energy.

Bookworm20 · 12/12/2022 10:31

My gut is saying that he is immature and unaware but not a bad guy,

Well, maybe he isn't a 'bad' guy, in the sense of what most of us see as 'bad'. But he definitely isn't a good guy. He does sound immature. How long do you want to wait for him to grow up though, as he very likely won't, and will just get worse.

but at the same time to get out as this will erode my self-esteem over time.

He WILL erode your self esteem.

What do you think?

Leave him to it. Now. Before christmas.

RosetteNebula · 12/12/2022 10:53

Urgh he sounds absolutely awful. Dump him now and don't waste your Christmas with him.

Sausagelove · 12/12/2022 11:11

He’ll frequently comment on women he finds attractive (actresses, exes, women he knows), size of their boobs

To be able to comment about the size of a woman’s breasts he’s got to be looking at them. And women know when some little creep is looking at them like this. Your friends will start to avoid you if he’s openly ogling them.

Why on earth are you passively listening to his disgusting comments like this. He’s so arrogant he’s told you in a round about way that he’ll be ogling your female family members.

Get rid of this dirty little scroat. I’d be very surprised if he’s not groping you every 5 minutes.

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