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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Contemplating ‘disappearing’ to escape toxic family

41 replies

Justcanttakeit · 11/12/2022 20:32

I was severely abused growing up. Mostly emotional but a few times it was physical and severe.

My abuser (mother) is still local. Growing up my sibling helped as they knew if they were on her side it would save them ? Thai has carried on - I am hated by them.

Going NC made it worse like I was removing their source of pleasure . They seem to actively get something from hurting me or disrupting my life and since going NC it’s been constant. I’ve been reported so many times for things I haven’t done. Sometimes it’s just an inconvenience to sort out other times it’s causing me hell (eg calls to ss alleging abuse to my dc do obviously it has to be looked into). I’m an absolute shell of a person.

Tonight I thought-what if I move far far away and change my name- then they can’t do this ? I’m desperate for it to stop. Has anyone done this? Me going NC has made them step up their game massively as I think they are angry ?

OP posts:
Sprouttreesareamazing · 11/12/2022 20:35

Move away op. Reinvent yourself. And fuck them all!.

Original poster
Justcanttakeit · 11/12/2022 20:39

Sprouttreesareamazing · 11/12/2022 20:35

Move away op. Reinvent yourself. And fuck them all!.

I just feel as if I’ve got no options left I can’t live my life looking over my shoulder and scared of each knock on the door terrified of the next problem or accusation

OP posts:
Original poster
Justcanttakeit · 11/12/2022 20:40

I feel as if they hate me this much why not just pretend I don’t exist ? Or if they have to laugh at any bad luck that comes my way - not nice behaviour but I can deal with the luck good or bad that I get by chance.

What I can’t cope with is engineered situations to try and sabotage my life. It’s making me really unwell. I feel like I’m their hobby ?

OP posts:
RosettaStormer · 11/12/2022 20:41

If I were you I would change my name and move away, yes. Make sure there is no way to trace you. Don’t tell anyone they know and leave no trail.

Original poster
Justcanttakeit · 11/12/2022 20:44

RosettaStormer · 11/12/2022 20:41

If I were you I would change my name and move away, yes. Make sure there is no way to trace you. Don’t tell anyone they know and leave no trail.

I feel sad at the prospect of leaving my house and dc lovely school etc but I feel more sad at the thought of my life continuing this way. Scared what they will do next. I think there’s only one way out and that’s to move etc

OP posts:
RunLolaRun102 · 11/12/2022 20:45

Plan it carefully. If you change yours and dc’s names then ask your solicitor if you can have all the official documentation in the new names sent there including tenancy agreements. Then collect them at the last minute to ensure there’s no trace.

Googlecanthelpme · 11/12/2022 20:45

yes I would absolutely do that OP.

They won’t change and you’ve taken steps to stop it by going NC and it’s only got worse.

This is your life and you can find freedom and happiness.

Start now, start researching places you could go, start looking for houses / jobs / schools - whatever it is you need. It will take some planning and will feel huge and overwhelming at times but just imagine the freedom of knowing they can never get to you again .

Good luck!

Original poster
Justcanttakeit · 11/12/2022 20:47

Googlecanthelpme · 11/12/2022 20:45

yes I would absolutely do that OP.

They won’t change and you’ve taken steps to stop it by going NC and it’s only got worse.

This is your life and you can find freedom and happiness.

Start now, start researching places you could go, start looking for houses / jobs / schools - whatever it is you need. It will take some planning and will feel huge and overwhelming at times but just imagine the freedom of knowing they can never get to you again .

Good luck!

I thought NC would help but it has made it so much worse. They clearly have a huge need to make me suffer it’s like it feeds them and I cut off their supply so they made things unbearable. I’m a nervous wreck

OP posts:
NooneKnowsWhatItsLike · 11/12/2022 20:48

@Justcanttakeit sounds sensible. However- if you are going to this much effort you need to take care to do it right. One little mistake can ruin it all.

Check this out: wish.co.uk/blog/disappear-completely-never-found/

LBFseBrom · 11/12/2022 20:50

Sprouttreesareamazing · Today 20:35
Move away op. Reinvent yourself. And fuck them all!.
....................
Quite right too! I've wanted to do that all my life; I don't have much time left but maybe next year.

Imogensmumma · 11/12/2022 20:51

I think that would still be really hard as your DC will still be linked to their old name with ss won’t they.

I think legal advise about harassment might be in order and yes move far away. Well done for escaping and stopping the cycle

Original poster
Justcanttakeit · 11/12/2022 20:53

Imogensmumma · 11/12/2022 20:51

I think that would still be really hard as your DC will still be linked to their old name with ss won’t they.

I think legal advise about harassment might be in order and yes move far away. Well done for escaping and stopping the cycle

Yes there would be a link with ss. If I get some kind of order against them would that show ss that reports made by them are malicious ? It’s been twice now and I explained fully but I understand why they have to investigate but it’s a worry.

OP posts:
pinneddownbytabbies · 11/12/2022 20:54

Have you told the police what they are doing to you?

LunaTheCat · 11/12/2022 20:55

OP I am so so sorry.
Have you been to a therapist?
it is so hard to have to move children !
Have you sought legal advice? The police?
Seek all your options first.

Dogsinthecradle · 11/12/2022 20:55

I’ve done the exact thing
my family are toxic-they’d ring ss/police/council/nspcc/rspca/work etc if I dared to disobey them and the smear campaign was something else
as it was,I happened to meet my now dp-he knew the score-and we moved 140 miles away
i know they’ve tried and tried to find me-they’ve hounded my friends and have tried to hunt me down on the internet
So far they have failed (I know there is a chance they will get that one lead and find me) and where I am is limited to a very few people knowing my address-I’m anonymous on the phone and electoral register-I change my mobile number every 6 months and have the whole lot blocked on sm with very tight privacy settings

its the best thing I’ve ever done

Original poster
Justcanttakeit · 11/12/2022 20:56

pinneddownbytabbies · 11/12/2022 20:54

Have you told the police what they are doing to you?

No I’ve tried to not react and go NC hoping they would lose interest but its made them more annoyed I think.

I did wonder at one point could I do something about the historical abuse and would that be the way to go but I’m unsure as it was a long time ago

OP posts:
Original poster
Justcanttakeit · 11/12/2022 20:58

Dogsinthecradle · 11/12/2022 20:55

I’ve done the exact thing
my family are toxic-they’d ring ss/police/council/nspcc/rspca/work etc if I dared to disobey them and the smear campaign was something else
as it was,I happened to meet my now dp-he knew the score-and we moved 140 miles away
i know they’ve tried and tried to find me-they’ve hounded my friends and have tried to hunt me down on the internet
So far they have failed (I know there is a chance they will get that one lead and find me) and where I am is limited to a very few people knowing my address-I’m anonymous on the phone and electoral register-I change my mobile number every 6 months and have the whole lot blocked on sm with very tight privacy settings

its the best thing I’ve ever done

Oh goodness this sounds identical . We’ve had ss, rspca , council etc etc . The smear campaign too telling other family and friends absolute lies about me I’m just broken

OP posts:
Miss03852 · 11/12/2022 20:58

Can you document proof and go to the police? Do you have a trail of their abuse towards you? So sorry OP they are absolute freaks

Original poster
Justcanttakeit · 11/12/2022 21:01

Miss03852 · 11/12/2022 20:58

Can you document proof and go to the police? Do you have a trail of their abuse towards you? So sorry OP they are absolute freaks

I have some hospital notes from about 20 years ago that detail one of the most severe times I was physically abused the rest would be my word against hers

For all the things recently I could detail it all and how I know it was them but not sure that would be enough. They have been careful to have a ‘public image’ and cover their tracks

OP posts:
RosettaStormer · 11/12/2022 21:02

Move to the other end of the country, not just a hundred miles away.

Dogsinthecradle · 11/12/2022 21:02

Justcanttakeit · 11/12/2022 20:58

Oh goodness this sounds identical . We’ve had ss, rspca , council etc etc . The smear campaign too telling other family and friends absolute lies about me I’m just broken

Show quote history

The smear campaign hurts-it really hurts
you know it’s bollocks but people do believe it
I tell myself daily that the people who love me,who know me,who care about me,know the truth
the people who do believe the lies are dickheads who don’t know me,they don’t love me,they don’t care about me and they don’t pay my rent so their opinions about me don’t matter
start making moves to leave-I promise you that it won’t be easy,but you get to live life on your terms-you can live how you want to-you will be free
life after you move will settle and you can start to be happy

if you want to pm,please pm me-I know how hard it is

Original poster
Justcanttakeit · 11/12/2022 21:02

The sad thing is in the notes it details on multiple occasions how I said who was doing it to me - they just recorded it and took no safeguarding steps whatsoever. It took courage to speak up and they just wrote it down and did nothing

OP posts:
Miss03852 · 11/12/2022 21:05

But do you have any texts/emails of them being abusive? That could be used to go to the police?

Sprouttreesareamazing · 11/12/2022 21:05

I would report the stuff you have back up for. And get a solicitor to write to them.

pinneddownbytabbies · 11/12/2022 21:05

There are official records of all the times they have maliciously reported you to various agencies, and which upon investigation have turned out to be untrue.

That is evidence enough that they are doing it to harass you, let alone the awful abuse you have suffered in the past. There is no time limit on historical abuse.