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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Contemplating ‘disappearing’ to escape toxic family

41 replies

Justcanttakeit · 11/12/2022 20:32

I was severely abused growing up. Mostly emotional but a few times it was physical and severe.

My abuser (mother) is still local. Growing up my sibling helped as they knew if they were on her side it would save them ? Thai has carried on - I am hated by them.

Going NC made it worse like I was removing their source of pleasure . They seem to actively get something from hurting me or disrupting my life and since going NC it’s been constant. I’ve been reported so many times for things I haven’t done. Sometimes it’s just an inconvenience to sort out other times it’s causing me hell (eg calls to ss alleging abuse to my dc do obviously it has to be looked into). I’m an absolute shell of a person.

Tonight I thought-what if I move far far away and change my name- then they can’t do this ? I’m desperate for it to stop. Has anyone done this? Me going NC has made them step up their game massively as I think they are angry ?

OP posts:
Original poster
Justcanttakeit · 11/12/2022 21:06

Miss03852 · 11/12/2022 21:05

But do you have any texts/emails of them being abusive? That could be used to go to the police?

No they only ever did it in person . I do have a few recordings though it was the only proof I could get before I went NC

OP posts:
Original poster
Justcanttakeit · 11/12/2022 21:07

I used to just turn my phone to record if dm started and caught a few occasions of her being vile

OP posts:
Miss03852 · 11/12/2022 21:07

What kind of losers are these people?! Do they not have jobs/families? How do they even have time for this?!

Fundays12 · 11/12/2022 21:08

OP in your situation I would move, change my name and start again. Your dc may next be in line for this abuse and they need you safe, healthy and happy which you can never be with this hanging over your head.

Original poster
Justcanttakeit · 11/12/2022 21:10

Fundays12 · 11/12/2022 21:08

OP in your situation I would move, change my name and start again. Your dc may next be in line for this abuse and they need you safe, healthy and happy which you can never be with this hanging over your head.

This is what has made me think I need to do this. I don’t want to say too much just in case but I think that has already started as something happened recently with my eldest so iam concerned they are widening their efforts. It could just be a coincidence but I’m very wary and I don’t want to have to keep thinking like this

OP posts:
MamaFirst · 11/12/2022 21:10

Have you looked into getting restraining orders against them? If you are up for moving though, I absolutely would do that, far far away. It is tricky though, presumably as your children get older they will want social media etc, which would make it easier for them to locate your area.

Original poster
Justcanttakeit · 11/12/2022 21:11

MamaFirst · 11/12/2022 21:10

Have you looked into getting restraining orders against them? If you are up for moving though, I absolutely would do that, far far away. It is tricky though, presumably as your children get older they will want social media etc, which would make it easier for them to locate your area.

I think that would make them really really angry I think it would be easier to just move

OP posts:
Silvers11 · 11/12/2022 21:42

Sounds like typical Narcissistic behaviour. And you are right. They are angry with you that you are no longer willing to be the scapegoat and are trying to get you to go back into line so that the abuse can continue as it always has.

I do think you need to get legal advice and look at getting some kind of restraining order, even if you also decide to move house. Moving house will mean many things, including losing friends you currently have, in case they let something slip to your family members - and you will still be worried that they will still find you. Changing your name isn't that straightforward given you have a child which SS have on their radar.

Silvers11 · 11/12/2022 21:47

Silvers11 · 11/12/2022 21:42

Sounds like typical Narcissistic behaviour. And you are right. They are angry with you that you are no longer willing to be the scapegoat and are trying to get you to go back into line so that the abuse can continue as it always has.

I do think you need to get legal advice and look at getting some kind of restraining order, even if you also decide to move house. Moving house will mean many things, including losing friends you currently have, in case they let something slip to your family members - and you will still be worried that they will still find you. Changing your name isn't that straightforward given you have a child which SS have on their radar.

PS - I know you say that getting a restraining order will only make them even angrier, but if they are narcissists they are really really angry already. You can't change narcissists and trying to avoid escalating things by moving away is not going to make them any less angry than by getting a restraining order

Original poster
Justcanttakeit · 11/12/2022 21:49

Silvers11 · 11/12/2022 21:47

PS - I know you say that getting a restraining order will only make them even angrier, but if they are narcissists they are really really angry already. You can't change narcissists and trying to avoid escalating things by moving away is not going to make them any less angry than by getting a restraining order

Show quote history

I would have to do both then as I dont think I could get a restraining order and stay where I am I just don’t want to ever bump into them again or for them to know where I am

OP posts:
justthecat · 11/12/2022 21:53

Do it, they’ve controlled your life until now but you can take the steps to stop it. Imagine a new life somewhere else how free you will eventually feel

Tilllly · 11/12/2022 21:57

I would speak to a solicitor

And with their support, adult safeguarding at your local police - they're used to these situations and can help

Then decide on moving or not

Goldpaw · 11/12/2022 22:03

I'd absolutely do it.

softswirlingsnow · 11/12/2022 22:41

If you move tell your friends you've moved to a different place than what you really have gone to. That will double safeguard your safety.

Bargoed · 12/12/2022 00:01

Gift you and your children a new start for Christmas.

Research changing your name - plan and include the kids as they will need to either change names as well and/or go dark on social media

Plan, plan, plan - do it once but do it right !!!

NoPrivateSpy · 12/12/2022 00:47

Would you have to change names? Could you move and keep the same names? If you moved far enough away and hid your address, changed your number and came off social media, would they track you down?

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