Sexless relationship for nearly 3 years, is this manipulation?

[indiathinks]

I am wondering if others here have had anything similar. When I met my DP we had a great sex life and it truly made me feel like a woman again. I came out of a sexless marriage and my DP was single (sexless) for a decade.
The passion lasted for 2 years, 3rd year was ok and then it suddenly stopped. We are now approaching year 3 of no sex. He refused to address his snoring issues and voluntarily moved into second bedroom constantly complaining about it. When I gently try to talk about it and the solutions to it (there is 15y age gap between us) he says he loves me but apparently he lost his mojo due to the place we live in. We live in a very nice area, in a very nice place overlooking beautiful landscape. Hardly a reason to feel it affects your sexual drive. If anything it is romantic and would stimulate the romance. My DP continuously forces me to move where he wants to live (which is not where I want to live) and suggests that once we move where he wants to live, his sex drive will come back. I do not believe that. I was wondering if there is something wrong with me but I do get attention from other men.
I suggested therapy but my DP thinks it is unnecessary. I am 40 and sex is a vital part of a healthy relationship for me. I am not sure how much longer I can cope. I was trying to pin point a moment when it all suddenly stopped and I managed to establish it was when I refused to take a mortgage with him. We keep finances and properties separate. What crossed my mind is that because he is in fact quite a controlling person, perhaps this is his method of controlling me and punishing me. Has anyone here had similar situation?

Leave him.

It doesn't matter if he's being controlling. He isn't offering you what you want, and he's not interested in trying, or in giving a hoot about how you feel, so the only thing to do is leave, regardless of the name of his behaviour pattern.

What are you getting out of this relationship now?

End this relationship as it sounds utter crap for you as well as abusive. Controlling behaviour is abusive behaviour. He has no respect for you whatsoever and expects you to believe and or accept he has no sex drive because of where he lives now. He’s not wanting help for his snoring, he wants you to move to a town where you do not want to live and he’s not wanting therapy either. Surprise surprise NOT.

Raise your bar going forward, it’s too low and that has allowed this man to be a part of your life. You’ve probably also subconsciously picked someone like your ex and that relationship became sexless as has this one.

Why do people go with people so much older and complain when they aren't on the same level anymore.

Very coincidental that he suddenly lost his libido when you made it clear you weren't going to finance a property for him.

What, if anything, are you getting out of this relationship with him?

DO NOT marry him! And don't join your finances.

He refused to address his snoring issues and voluntarily moved into second bedroom constantly complaining about it

Bit of a side issue, but he complains about his snoring issues? Have I read that wrong?

So the two just happened to coincide. He found that you wouldn't buy a house with him so he ceased any intimacy. Yes, that sounds like manipulation to me.

Leave. He's making you unhappy and constantly uprooting you from your friends.

Good grief. I would think you would have learned to stop wasting precious years of your life from your marriage. Run for your life.

Run!

My lord, he's a waste of your time Op. No man stops wanting sex because he doesn't like where he lives, he's another control freak who wants everything his own way. I'd be looking at leaving him in your place

My God.
Leave, he’s awful.

3 years is too long. You need to move him on to where he wants to live and get yourself back to your needs.

It's odd to me when people say that sex is a vital part of a relationship, when they haven't done it for years- how? Yes it is vital IMO- but I'd wonder after a month or 2 without good reason. Remarkable that some wait years before sorting it.
He's 15 years older I guess, could of been a factor, but whatever the reason is he won't address it so there's no point, you can't sort it for him. You are right, where you live is likely an excuse and it's unlikely to improve if you moved.

You should let him go. Don't be manipulated for one more day.
You can't make someone have sex with you and I'd give that relationship up today.

He sounds like an epic twat. I'd be off.

He has form for sexless relationships. Possibly related to control. Time to end this one.

Why are you with him? Leave. Life's too short.

Not one reason to stay !

Find somewhere else to live

You don't need his permission to leave

Yes look. Sexless relation ship, for sexual people, cause problems. I was in one - a constant worry in the back of my mind - 'will things always be this way?' - yes they would have been - in the end I left a starving, thirsty woman who went on to make a poor choice. If I had made sure I fed myself, I would not have been vulnerable like that.

Be careful. This man is telling you how things will be, and you are starving away.

I know it's glib to say 'just leave' but I would think about it. You cannot get these years back. I would also say, don't let on to him about how you are feeling, as he will blindside you with rubbish to keep you. Get some space to think clearly and keep him at a distance. And don't go with any other men until you have clarified things.

Please do not stay with him. You are not good together.

I really have heard it all now - the landscape affects his sex drive?

I'm worried for you.

Could you say more about him continually forcing you to live where he wants to live?

Does he move around a lot?

You said you keep properties separate. Do you live together or just spend time between each other's places?

Be brave, be strong. You know this isn't good for you.

We live in a rental. Very nice place. Each of us has a property. We rent them as none of them is located such that it would suit us to live there although his house is big (middle of nowhere) and he for years tries to force me to move there because he wants to live there. I couldn't even visit there it was so unpleasant and due for refurb years ago. I actually felt very uncomfortable there even visiting. We agreed for the rental but I knew it will not be long before he starts complaining about it. I have work nearby and because my work is less valuable than his, he still thinks we must move because this current place affects his wellbeing plus in his view I do not need to work. I want to work , we are not married and I need my own income. I sense he wants me to be his housekeeper and control me. On top of that is the ceased intimacy which like I said started when I refused to take a mortgage with him. If we are not married, each has a property why bother with a mortgage? I much more prefer having finances separate. In my DPs view me refusing mortgage together means I am not serious about this relationship.

This sounds like deliberate witholding which is a type of abuse.

OP what did you do in the end. Curious as in similar situation.