Sexless relationship for nearly 3 years, is this manipulation?

[indiathinks]

I am wondering if others here have had anything similar. When I met my DP we had a great sex life and it truly made me feel like a woman again. I came out of a sexless marriage and my DP was single (sexless) for a decade.
The passion lasted for 2 years, 3rd year was ok and then it suddenly stopped. We are now approaching year 3 of no sex. He refused to address his snoring issues and voluntarily moved into second bedroom constantly complaining about it. When I gently try to talk about it and the solutions to it (there is 15y age gap between us) he says he loves me but apparently he lost his mojo due to the place we live in. We live in a very nice area, in a very nice place overlooking beautiful landscape. Hardly a reason to feel it affects your sexual drive. If anything it is romantic and would stimulate the romance. My DP continuously forces me to move where he wants to live (which is not where I want to live) and suggests that once we move where he wants to live, his sex drive will come back. I do not believe that. I was wondering if there is something wrong with me but I do get attention from other men.
I suggested therapy but my DP thinks it is unnecessary. I am 40 and sex is a vital part of a healthy relationship for me. I am not sure how much longer I can cope. I was trying to pin point a moment when it all suddenly stopped and I managed to establish it was when I refused to take a mortgage with him. We keep finances and properties separate. What crossed my mind is that because he is in fact quite a controlling person, perhaps this is his method of controlling me and punishing me. Has anyone here had similar situation?

@Cataholicartist75 Hi, nothing has changed and I am still stuck in the same situation just a year older. I can nto belive this post will soon be a year old. These situations are extremely complex and difficult to overcome. I often wonder if my life will never change. I am still young and would love to enjoy life. Obviously for each person there are also other aspects of life that influence the situation but we do not necessarily share them here. It is soul destroying. I hope you are well and keeping the faith.

Find someone your own age.

@indiathinks why are you making this difficult?

you have your own property to fall
back on or could rent elsewhere?

he doesn’t really love you but you are handy to keep around and will make a good carer in his dotage and just give up your life and follow him around and do as you are told.

your life will never change if you don’t do anything about it. You are just a passenger and allowing this to happen to you.

Get therapy yourself. Get angry. Make a plan. Leave.

@TheCatterall it is more complex than that but thank you. Yes, you are right I need to take action. I have a plan. The obstacle now is work. I used to be a high earner but due to circumstacnes ( I will not discuss here) I have fallen from exec level salary to a minimum wage jobs. It takes years to rebuild not only financially but also the confidence. My life today coud not be further from what it was say 6, 7, 8 years ago. I can not fall into the properties and just rent them they are abroad and some of it is land. Things are not as straight forward as they seem. Nothing is ever black and white in life. I feel very stuck and worry I will never get out of this entanglement. I would love to hear stories from ladies who got out. The plan for me is to get a well paid job that would allow me that financial independence but I am still looking. I have a very strong cv, get interviews, great feedback but never seem to land the job.

Sound like coercion. "If you do this I would do, feel etc that". He is a wonderful fortune teller, he already knows he is going to recover his libido because........
Nah, if you don't want to move don't move. If you don't want a sexless relationship just leave him.

Can you do any freelance or work on the side to build up finances. That’s what I did in 2004 to escape a crappy situation and relationship. I started as a virtual assistant around my job, then I niched down to specialist areas and skillsets etc.

I do similar work now - my lowest rate is £45 an hour, standard is £75 and a 1 hour call costs £150 upwards. And I’m no were near the top of my field in prices etc.

I don’t need specialist software etc. low overheads. Can do it from anywhere. Laptop/computer handy. but can manage for the most part with an iPad.

Make little steps to freedom. Give it a name. Celebrate every little win.

what feedback are you getting from interviews? Do you have agency’s or recruiters pushing your cv? Is LinkedIn really selling your skills?

massive squishes and good luck.

I have had a situation like this weirdly with baby's father both with convincing me his moods were the result of being in a city and we needed to move away for us to be happy and also witholding affection including sex. He left me while pregnant but I was juuuust starting to think about 'what will I do if no improvement will I have an affair one day or leave him?'

He doesn't sound like someone who is willing to work on things or change or listen to you or care about your needs. I wousknt wish to spend your next 40 years with him when you could have a hot toy boy to see in the new year with instead

Op I've just noticed that this was an old post and you're updating tonight. I just mentioned my ex who left me while pregnant. Well a year on my life is turned around and I don't miss being with him much or often at all. There is absolutely no reason for you to stay with him you have no financial ties you can literally just pack
A bag tomorrow and go!

What's stopping you leaving him as it sounds like you realise you'd be happier?

I think it's more likely that he has a low sex drive and was making an effort to please you in the hope you'd see a future together, get the mortgage and allow him to move to where he wants to be. When that fell though he couldn't be bothered to keep up the effort and perhaps he has ED. While he sounds controlling and manipulative suggesting when you move it all will be all fixed I'm not sure someone wanting sex would manage to withhold it long term.

Complaining about moving into other bedroom, I think...

Does he have anything to do with your change in work circumstances, or did he meet you after things happened and you were maybe vulnerable.
Perhaps it's time you ask yourself why you have a tendency to stick so long in dead relationships given that history seems to be repeating.

Are you still with him, OP?