Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Should I stay or leave? WWYD

48 replies

caseyf · 11/12/2022 10:09

I feel horribly stuck in a situation. I am asking myself whether I'm overreacting.

Been with DP 2 years, started off great but now there are so many things that are bothering me.

He talks about himself a lot, when I talk about my day he often interrupts or just starts talking over me.

He seems to expect me and the rest of the world to live by rules that don't apply to him. He often gets angry at people for doing things that he does on a regular basis.

He's rude to people if they don't do something right or if they've not done what he expected. He is rude about members of the public around him, putting down their appearances.

He is negative about my family and friends. If I ever speak about them he will turn it negative and say nasty things, despite not really knowing them.

He seems to hate it when I go out. He will want to come with me, or if he's at work he will ask me things for example "can you send me a photo of my passport" and I feel like he's doing it because he wants to know if I'm at home or if I've gone out. He always wants to know when I'll be back.

When I mention problems with his behaviour the sympathy card comes out. He says I'll never understand why he's like this because I haven't been through what he has. He feels he would be better off dead, he has nobody to turn to. This makes me feel bad and like I shouldn't be upset with him. He has been through a very tough time.

He's so unpredictable in mood and can switch at any moment. I feel like leaving, but then when he's nice I start thinking I'm imagining it all. He can be nice for a few days and then it seems to all go bad again. When he's in a good mood things are great. He's never been violent or said anything nasty about me.

He has been talking about looking at engagement rings but all these things are on my mind. We live together but the house is rented. We are saving up to buy a house together. I just don't know what to do.

OP posts:
InSummertime · 11/12/2022 10:12

He is abusive and you are trapped. He won’t change. He is controlling and gaslighting. Like a frog in boiling water he has you right where he wants you - the only way is to leave.

are you living together? Your house?

2pinkginsplease · 11/12/2022 10:12

He’s rude, he’s negative about your family, he doesn’t like you going out, he checks up on you to see where you are?

Run for the hills and don’t look back, things will only get worse.

Fizzadora · 11/12/2022 10:13

I think you already know the answer to your question. There are red flags all over this and it's not going to get any better. Just imagine once you have bought a house and had children and this behaviour is increased 10 fold.
Please trust your instincts and get out of this relationship before it's too late.

Bedazzled22 · 11/12/2022 10:14

So you are wondering whether to get engaged and have a future with a moody, rude, self absorbed, controlling man with no empathy?

InSummertime · 11/12/2022 10:14

Sorry didn’t read it carefully you are renting together. In that case I would give notice to the landlord that you are moving out. I would pack my stuff and go and stay with a friend and take photos of everything as I leave and a video and return your key to the landlord.

don’t marry him
and don’t buy a house

two years! Reclaim your life and block him

Dotcheck · 11/12/2022 10:15

Bedazzled22 · 11/12/2022 10:14

So you are wondering whether to get engaged and have a future with a moody, rude, self absorbed, controlling man with no empathy?

Nailed it

Bedazzled22 · 11/12/2022 10:15

Think yourself lucky that you can get out of the situation easily.

AsdaYellowTins · 11/12/2022 10:16

He sounds awful. It won't get any better. I know it seems drastic, but the best thing is to leave. He is not the one. Your gut is already telling you this; listen to that gut feeling, utcwill protect you. This experience should help you spot this "type" in future, so that you can in due course find yourself a kind, thoughtful, trusting partner. Best of luck.

Iwanttoslowdown · 11/12/2022 10:18

🚩 🚩 🚩
OP read your post back to yourself - what would you advise your best friend?
Do not buy a house together, disentangle your finances and RUN.

caseyf · 11/12/2022 10:18

I do know the answer yes. I feel like I've lost all my confidence and he controls me, or makes me feel bad for doing what I want. It feels scary to leave when I know he doesn't want me to. I just needed to hear that I am right because he is going to say I'm wrong:

OP posts:
category12 · 11/12/2022 10:22

He's emotionally abusive.

It'll only get worse.

Justcallmebebes · 11/12/2022 10:24

Trust me, any man is rarely better than no man. Get out before you're really tied to him either financially or via kids

category12 · 11/12/2022 10:24

It doesn't actually matter what he says.

You're not happy, you feel as you do, your feelings are not wrong.

You don't owe him a relationship.

dontputitthere · 11/12/2022 10:26

Firstly he's abusive. This is only going to get worse

Secondly abuse is cunning. He won't have started out as a straight out knob. It will have been subtle. So that's how you're here. It's a trap and a clever one so don't feel bad. Don't feel silly. And don't doubt yourself.

I think also many people want to believe people are inherently nice. It's hard to face up to the fact someone they care about just isn't a nice person.

I'm sorry you're in this position. But to be honest it's good. You're not married. You don't have kids or a house to split. You've had a lucky escape.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 11/12/2022 10:26

This relationship is over because of the abuse he metes out to you. Abuse is about power and control and he is wanting absolute over you here.

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?. Did you see a similar sort of relationship to this as you were growing up?.

You are in an abusive relationship with this man and his apparant niceness now is the "nice" part of the nice/nasty cycle of abuse which is a continuous one.

And what InSummertime wrote about the landlord and moving out.

You need a lot of both time and space to heal before embarking on another relationship. Love your own self for a change and work on rebuilding your boundaries along with your self esteem; all of these will have taken a battering at his hands. Do educate yourself a lot more about abusive relationships and learn about red flags. Enrol yourself onto the Freedom Programme and do this in person if possible.

BryceQuinlan · 11/12/2022 10:27

You know you don't have to accept any of this? You have savings, start looking for somewhere to live if you both share the tenancy and have a nicer life. You are also responsible for the quality of your life and partner. Time to face facts and do the hard stuff.

Dery · 11/12/2022 10:27

OP - you should leave. This man is abusive. Read up a bit about abusers and you will realise there are a great many aspects of his behaviour that are abusive - he lovebombed you at the outset, he’s trying to isolate you from your friends and family, he’s trying to stop you going out so you’re with him at all times, he’s angry and unreasonable - you’re stuck in the cycle of abuse.

No-one is abusive all the time - when he behaves well, you probably feel a huge rush of relief alongside pleasure. But all relationships are great when things are going well. That’s why you have to measure a relationship by how things are when they’re going badly. In a healthy relationship, a bad patch feels a bit meh - not the strife and pain that you’re describing.

Honestly, OP - this guy is terribly bad news. You need to get shot of him before you get more stuck.

girlmom21 · 11/12/2022 10:30

You're right OP.
You need to get out of there while you still feel like you can.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 11/12/2022 10:31

caseyf

re your comments in quotemarks:
"I feel like I've lost all my confidence and he controls me, or makes me feel bad for doing what I want".

That was his intention all along. You're now going to have to rebuild your life from ground upwards.

" It feels scary to leave when I know he doesn't want me to".

Of course he does not want you to leave, he likes having you around to abuse and otherwise rule over. If you leave he will then have to put the work in to find some other woman (these types hate women and all of them) to go on to further abuse.

"I just needed to hear that I am right because he is going to say I'm wrong"
You are right. Do not JADE this man i.e justify, argue, defend or explain your decision to leave. Just go and preferably when he is out of the house.

Crazykatie · 11/12/2022 10:31

Nothing is positive, time to end it, he is never going to be a good partner

VioletLemon · 11/12/2022 10:32

PLEASE do not get engaged. You are doubtful for a reason. These red flags are for a reason. This man is a nasty, gaslighting control freak.

You cannot be happy in this relationship, I've been there and spent years getting coerced. When children came along it became a matter of life and death to leave.

No matter how sorry you feel for him it will only get worse. Leave or get him out. Make it public by letting a mutual friend or family member know and have them on the sidelines so he knows he's being watched.

Choccobread · 11/12/2022 10:53

LEAVE!!!
Things will only get worse with commitment and/or kids. Then he'll have a bigger hold on you and he can be as nasty as he likes because he knows how difficult it would be for you to get out.
Im speaking from experience. Run.

caseyf · 11/12/2022 11:14

I know I need to leave but how do I do it? It feels absolutely impossible even though I know it's actually quite easy as we aren't tied together.

OP posts:
Iwanttoslowdown · 11/12/2022 11:24

That’s the lack of confidence that’s been drilled into your head. One step at a time - where can you afford to go to - flat share, parents, your own apartment? Are your finances separate?

category12 · 11/12/2022 11:31

Do a flit? Take a bag of essentials and go to your family if they're supportive or a friend? Then sort out the practical stuff from a distance, and if you need to go back, go back with friends/family rather than alone.

Swipe left for the next trending thread