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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Should I stay or leave? WWYD

48 replies

caseyf · 11/12/2022 10:09

I feel horribly stuck in a situation. I am asking myself whether I'm overreacting.

Been with DP 2 years, started off great but now there are so many things that are bothering me.

He talks about himself a lot, when I talk about my day he often interrupts or just starts talking over me.

He seems to expect me and the rest of the world to live by rules that don't apply to him. He often gets angry at people for doing things that he does on a regular basis.

He's rude to people if they don't do something right or if they've not done what he expected. He is rude about members of the public around him, putting down their appearances.

He is negative about my family and friends. If I ever speak about them he will turn it negative and say nasty things, despite not really knowing them.

He seems to hate it when I go out. He will want to come with me, or if he's at work he will ask me things for example "can you send me a photo of my passport" and I feel like he's doing it because he wants to know if I'm at home or if I've gone out. He always wants to know when I'll be back.

When I mention problems with his behaviour the sympathy card comes out. He says I'll never understand why he's like this because I haven't been through what he has. He feels he would be better off dead, he has nobody to turn to. This makes me feel bad and like I shouldn't be upset with him. He has been through a very tough time.

He's so unpredictable in mood and can switch at any moment. I feel like leaving, but then when he's nice I start thinking I'm imagining it all. He can be nice for a few days and then it seems to all go bad again. When he's in a good mood things are great. He's never been violent or said anything nasty about me.

He has been talking about looking at engagement rings but all these things are on my mind. We live together but the house is rented. We are saving up to buy a house together. I just don't know what to do.

OP posts:
MrsOnyx · 11/12/2022 11:31

You don't know what to do?? What you do is leave, now, don't look back and move on with your life.

FrancescaContini · 11/12/2022 11:40

I read three paragraphs and thought - just end it. What’s the point of this situation?

dontputitthere · 11/12/2022 11:42

What do you need help with doing?
Just leave

How long do you have left on the tenancy. Is it both your names? Do you have family or anyone you can stay with nearby?

LaLuz7 · 11/12/2022 11:42

He's a dumpster fire of concerning abusive behaviour.

Why are you questioning yourself?

80s · 11/12/2022 11:44

Have you told people about this in real life? Is there anyone that could help you move out? He's manipulative - sounds like he'd threaten to kill himself, does that sound right? - and it would be helpful to have someone physically there with you as you move your belongings.

Aprilx · 11/12/2022 11:45

caseyf · 11/12/2022 11:14

I know I need to leave but how do I do it? It feels absolutely impossible even though I know it's actually quite easy as we aren't tied together.

I think in your scenario, you need to do it swiftly and possibly whilst he is out. I feel if you have the sit down conversation, he will trap you in the house for hours and hours and use all kinds of emotional blackmail on you. I even wonder if he could turn nasty physically even though you say he hasn’t done thus far.

So sort out where you will go to, whether it will be it to family or friends for the short term or if you can sort out your own rental. Then just do it.

80s · 11/12/2022 11:46

How are you saving up together? Make sure he won't be able to take all your money or leave you in debt.

TicTac80 · 11/12/2022 11:55

Run for the hills! I was in a similar relationship in my late teens/early 20's. All rosey to start with, love-bombing, seemed like a lovely bloke. About 6 months in, it started. Very subtly at first, but then escalated (he was evil). I left after 3yrs. He destroyed my confidence, I developed a stammer, he wrecked my studies (I was at uni at the time) and I lost so many friends (he isolated me). When we split, he'd done one of his usual antics of dumping me (expecting me to beg, plead etc for him to not dump me): I quietly spoke to my family, quickly planned things and my brother helped me move my stuff out. Ex didn't believe that I was going until my brother helped me with packing my stuff!!

Speak to your family/friends on the quiet. See if you can stay with someone either temporarily or long term (I was lucky enough to be able to move back to my parents place). Get your stuff in order and maybe start moving some stuff out on the sly (particularly important things), so if you do need to do a quick flit, at least there's less to pack. Good luck

Thoughtful2355 · 11/12/2022 12:01

I would be reaching out to everyone i know right now and finding a place to stay, id then pack everything i owned and leave. I wouldnt feel guilty and i wouldnt look back.

Thoughtful2355 · 11/12/2022 12:02

Also block and any attempt he makes at contact ignore. He will move on and you will move on but only if there is a clean break.

girlmom21 · 11/12/2022 12:03

Sort all your essential documents - anything you must take with you. Put it in the glovebox of your car (assuming you drive).

When he's at work, pack your bags as quickly as possible and just go.

Then call your landlord and explain the situation if you're on the rental agreement.

ICanHideButICantRun · 11/12/2022 12:08

Think practically. Where would you go to? Do you have some money for a deposit on a flat? Would you stay in the same area?

If you think he'd make your life hell if you said you were leaving, then you can leave when he's not there, though I'd advise you to have a big burly friend to help you.

Do you have a Ring doorbell or other CCTV?

Toomanysleepycats · 11/12/2022 12:12

I agree with everyone else.

Read up on controlling behaviour and learn as much as you can so you recognise it. When he does it to you.

Keep a diary and write down all the shitty stuff he says/does, so you can read it back when he starts playing nice again, so you don’t weaken and change your mind.

Start a timetable/time line and write down all the things you need to do to leave.

Eg. Notice to landlord/find new rental/what to pack etc etc.

pinneddownbytabbies · 11/12/2022 12:15

It feels scary to leave when I know he doesn't want me to.

You do not have to do what he wants.

I just needed to hear that I am right because he is going to say I'm wrong

Go back and read what you told us in your OP, and all the horrible things he does and says to other people. You know that it is wrong when he says those things, and that he is a horrible, despicable person. So why would you believe him when he says you are wrong to leave?

Please don't stay in this awful relationship.

Wayk · 11/12/2022 13:20

Run, run, run. Can you stay with family, friends? Do NOT get engaged or buy a property with this man.

Bananalanacake · 11/12/2022 13:58

Was it his idea to move in together. As soon as a man stops you seeing your friends you need to leave.

SlouchingTowardsBethlehemAgain · 11/12/2022 14:26

He is a cruel and horrible man, get packing quietly and leave when he is out. Also tell everyone what a cunt he is.

caseyf · 11/12/2022 14:33

I've got somewhere I can go. It is just a case of me biting the bullet and doing it. I just find the idea of it so hard, I think it's because he's been chipping away at my confidence for so long. He's also said things like no relationship is without problems and that the problems we have are normal. Which puts doubt in my mind. But I've never ever googled someone behaviour before or felt like this around someone.

OP posts:
Dery · 11/12/2022 19:39

Healthy relationships do not have the kind of problems you describe. Of course he tries to pressure you into believing that you should put up with his shit but you really shouldn’t. You need to get away ASAP.

Speakingofdinosaurs · 11/12/2022 20:19

Two years into a relationship - so it’s still the ‘honeymoon’ period (or it should be).
He should be supporting you and encouraging you and getting along with your family and friends.
To behave like this to you means that HE DOES NOT LOVE YOU.
You must end the relationship.

2catsandhappy · 12/12/2022 07:50

Just go. No chats or talks or hand wringing. Plan a van or pal with a car. Anything you can buy in a shop, leave behind. Perhaps you can collect in the new year. Money you owe and landlord can be sorted when you are out.
Please leave. He absolutely is controlling you. It gets much worse.

80s · 12/12/2022 08:17

Even if the problems were just totally normal, that wouldn't mean you had to stay with him. It could be totally smooth sailing and you could still just end it because you didn't fancy being with him.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 12/12/2022 08:43

"I've got somewhere I can go. It is just a case of me biting the bullet and doing it".

Good. Do this.

"I just find the idea of it so hard, I think it's because he's been chipping away at my confidence for so long".

Thats exactly it

"He's also said things like no relationship is without problems and that the problems we have are normal".

No, the problems you have are not normal at all.
Abuse is not a relationship problem either, abuse is about power and control and he wants absolute here over you

"Which puts doubt in my mind".
Abuse like you describe is designed to give you spaghetti head.

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