Potential new man.. thoughts?

[FabulousKilljoys]

Just a wwyd or how would you feel about this scenario.

For the last few months I’ve been chatting to a friend of a friend quite a lot. He initially followed me on Instagram and then we exchanged numbers and have started to get to know each other properly. We seem to get on really well and we planned to meet in the new year. Distance plus parenting has made it impossible up to now.

We’re both looking forward to meeting but one thing has started making me feel iffy - all his likes on Instagram are from private accounts, usually some kind of sexy bio with a link to only fans. Consequently I can’t see whether he’s interacting with these accounts, and whilst we’re not together yet, I’ve started to feel weird that his feed is taken up with pretty much just only fans type accounts.

I know it shouldn’t bother me but I can imagine my boring photo popping up in among a feed filled with bum cheeks aloft and partially covered boobs, and it’s making me feel odd. It’s also kinda giving me the ick. I’m not a prude, have no issues with people watching porn etc, but this isn’t that. I guess I’m also worrying that I must seem boring by comparison, and I hate that I’m even considering comparing myself. I’m in my forties and whilst I’m doing ok, I’m not 25 anymore!

He's been nothing but lovely to me, seems genuine, but my ex was always messaging/meeting girls. I know I can’t tell him not to follow them - I absolutely never would - but would you be ok with this? Am I being stupid? I’d be a bit sad to stop chatting as I’m really starting to like him, but after my ex I find myself very much aware of things that don’t sit right.

Just to add, having only known him properly for a few months I’m not at the ‘if you can’t trust him..’ stage, as I don’t know him well enough to trust him yet!

I am fully aware this might be a me problem. My ex did a real number on me, and after a few years of being on my own with DC I’d pretty much decided to stay that way. I wasn’t expecting to connect with someone I like quite as much as this.

I wouldn’t be happy with it, personally. I just wouldn’t be into that kind of man - I think it says something about who he is.

Yeah.. that’s what I’m inclined to think too. So far he’s been quite removed from what my ex was like, but this has shed a different light on him that I’m not really comfortable with.

If you both have DC, I really don't see the point in attempting LDR, it's a lot of hassle to start, so if the best you've done after months of chat is ' in the NY'. I think it's pointless from the start.
Only fans people liking his insta is another, but valid and yuk reason. I think give it a miss.
You're coming across as a bit keen for anyone who shows rare attention. He should of fallen by the wayside after months of this, look elsewhere.

He would only need one only fans connection for me to stop talking to him. That's just really sleazy. He doesn't even live near you. What's the point?

@Opentooffers I’ve been single for nearly 8 years, I’ve had my fair share of offers in that time so I’m not sure how you’re getting that I’m keen for rare attention. I also said I was planning on staying single and hadn’t intended to get involved with anyone else.

Up until now I saw no parallels with my ex and was considering maybe seeing how it goes. Not everything has to be rushed into and after my ex I’d be taking it slow even if the guy lived half a mile away, so distance and parenting isn’t really an issue.

But this has made me think twice about the whole thing, I was probably right with my first instinct to give relationships a miss altogether.

He sounds like a creep. Following only fans is yuk and misogynistic. He objectifies women and doesn’t even try to hide it.

I would avoid anyone with only fans links. Too sleazy and pervy. But then I hate porn, and I only like men who share my feminist views.

I think if you can’t make time to meet up sooner than a month what’s the point anyway?

That would bother me too and I’m no prude

You say that you "know it shouldn't bother you", why not? Why shouldn't it? It would put me off. I know other women who find it off putting too. But its 'just how it is these days' blah blah. Men show everything that they're into to everybody now with instagram and all the other apps and sites.
Back in the day men had magazines and video tapes. You didn't really know what they were into because it was kept out of sight, they were more private about it. Not anymore. If they had gone around with their magazines and videos for all to see, I think it might have been a bit off putting to some women then aswell. You can't help feeling the way you do and not everyone can like everything just because it's how things are now.

Seems unanimous.. which is what I figured really, just wanted to make sure it wasn’t a me problem or I was being weird about nothing. Bit of a shame but no love lost. I won’t bother again, I always said I’d rather be happy alone than unhappy in a relationship. Thanks all, I knew you’d set me right.

Nah. It does bother you and so it should. He doesn't sound like a respectable, decent bloke. He has kids and he's openly following 20 year old IG / only fans girls ... what the bloody hell is he doing behind closed doors.

The LDR alone is enough to pull the plug.

To me, following onlyfans etc is the behaviour of a horny teenage boy who hasn't really thought/understood how it looks to any one he might meet irl.

When it comes to potential life partners, I want a grown up. I'm too fucking old to bother with anyone who needs it explaining to him. And I'm younger than you.

This is why I bloody love MN. Reminds me I’m allowed to not like things when my brain is having a wobble.

The LDR didn’t bother me too much, I was happy to take this wayyyy slow, and we hadn’t managed to meet yet because my flakey ex rarely has our DC and I have no local support network to step in and have them. I’m actually glad now though, in hindsight it means I haven’t invested more than conversation and a ‘maybe this is a thing..’

Nope. Wouldn’t be for me.

Good on you OP
We should never have to minimise our responses to things like this- trust yourself.

A man with kids openly following only fans accounts of young women is grim and would completely put me off.

consider it a bullet dodged.

I wouldn’t chat for a few months, it seems a lot of investment in someone you haven’t met up with.

Your initial post reads very much as though you think you should be OK with this amd that it's your problem that you're not.

That's not the case. I wouldn't be bothered woth someone like this either.

@GreyCarpet yeah that’s it exactly, I genuinely wondered if it was me being precious or something, but that’s clearly just a throwback to when my ex had me believing I was crazy/needy/blah blah when I found out him about him messaging and meeting other women.

I just needed you lovely lot to tell me what I already knew really, so thanks all.

I wouldn't feel jealous (most men seem to think this is women's issue with this kind of thing) I would just feel it was so cringe and a bit pathetic. Which is obviously a huge turn off.

That would turn me off completely, and it's not jealousy, I just find it extremely immature, is he in his twenties? I wouldn't bother with someone like this, but then I only date grown ups.

@Sandra1984 he’s mid forties

Instagram? liking only fans sexy girls? he has the emotional maturity of a peanut, sorry.

It’s a hard no from me. I’m against the exploitation and abuse of women and children. If that makes me a prude then I’m proud to be one.

It would bother me to be honest.