Elderly mum getting frailer but unwelcome of any suggestions to improve her situation

[IncessantNameChanger]

I think I posted about this last month too.

Mum is late 70's. Getting more and more frail and immobile but whatever I suggest to her she brushes off.

She is in a 3 bed Victorian terrace with steep steps to the front door. She was telling me today she is struggling to get out of the door now. Walked down her road to buy some batteries and then struggled to get into the shop.

She is worried about getting her Christmas jars in so for the umpteenth time I said to get the bus to the shop but a taxi home.

I said does she want to move to a flat but it will have to start somewhere so get the house valued. She knows she can no longer cope but at the same time is resistant to any changes or anything minor like taxi, cleaner, workmen. I think she would be happy for me to fo everything if I paid but thing is I've got 4 kids, live 80 miles away and one child is severely disabled. I know my limits and while I could take her Christmas shopping I can not care for her. Well I could if my son went into care. That's not something I'm willing to do.

At this rate she won't be able live independently much longer, but she could if she accepted help.

I'm beginning to think she is loosing capacity as her thought process is borderline insane. She she might as well just die, I said "over paying for a taxi?"

I'm feeling so drained by her lack of openess to help her own situation

I'm beginning to think she is losing capacity

Hi, OP. Your situation is very difficult. However, if you do think your DM is losing capacity you should investigate getting a lasting power of attorney.

I'm so sorry you're in this situation. It sounds as though it is going to get a lot worse before it gets better. Sometimes elderly people cannot accept that they're not as capable as they once were.

I realise that isn't very helpful and I hope you manage to find a solution. Clearly you will not want to compromise your child's care and that is entirely understandable.

I think there are a lot of practical things you can do to help.

Has she had a handrail fitted beside the steps? Do the steps have grips so they can't get slippy in the ice?

Have you shown her how to order groceries online? Is there a local mobility scooter scheme that might help? Is there a day centre locally or meals on wheels service.

There are lots of services to help older people stay in their homes for longer. And if she sees other older people living in nice local apartments, she may feel more confident to make the change.

My own mum is similar. However I have reconciled myself to the fact that I can only do so much to help if the help is refused. I do keep making practical suggestions and I have overstepped slightly by eg getting her hairdresser to ring her for an appointment as she no longer seems capable of sorting appointments out herself. But today she accepted she is getting less mobile and would benefit from a walking stick. Finally it has dawned on her herself. So keep gently offering but feel no guilt if it is refused as you simply cannot force her. Definitely ask if she would agree to financial and health lasting power of attorneys. Worth setting up now if she will consent to it….

Have a read of and post on the Elderly Parents section of this site too.

As you live far away and have family of your own there is only so much you can do. And apart from these factors she is resistant to change of any kind. The phrase "you can take a horse to water but you cannot make it drink" springs to mind re your mother. I would also contact her GP.

I would contact Social services and arrange for your mother to have a care needs assessment. Make it also crystal clear that you cannot do any caring yourself.

Yes I think a call to socail care might be on the cards soon.

Thing is she is not cash poor but she wouldn't pay to have her steps outside the house made safer because she wouldn't pay to get her light fitting fixed and has been sitting in the dark for months. I'm not working as a full time carer for my son. Hopefully going back to work once he goes to secondary in September. I can't juggle a job, his school taxi and various appointments right now.

I don't even know how to broach the subject of poa. I was talking her today about selling up and buying somewhere smaller and asked her how much savings she has. She said she didn't know. I know she's got £60,000 plus on her current account. But is worried about the cost of a taxi. Meanwhile I have bought food this week on my credit card as my heating pump broke and that wiped me out. I'm worried that I'd end up paying for the solicitors etc. She seems to think she can sell up and pocket the sale money.

I'm increasingly dreading talking to her.

I said what are you after and where and I will look . But then she tried to get me off the phone but the first part of the call was about hating her and being unable to get out of it.

Increasingly thinking that she thinks the solution is to get better / younger rather than pre empt another more serious fall. She was fine pre covid. At this rate of decline I don't think she will be able to leave the house this time next year.

Ordered her Tesco delivery in covid. She made me cancel it. She has a galaxy phone, but refuses to let me teach her to use it. She pays £20 a month to sit in it's box. I told her I could send her photos of the kids etc, nope, not motivated to learn. Just wants stuff fixed but without any input from her. She is really frustrating me. I'd be more willing to help if she didn't shut down every solution I make.

I think with how this is going she will either fall and die or be forced into a care home.

Sorry first part of the phone call was about hating her HOUSE and not being to get out of it.

She told me the neighbours offered help after a fall and hospital stay during covid but when I asked today she is denying they have ever offered help. She has form for re writing history to suit her agenda but with everything else I think she loosing her mental capacity/ critical thinking

I don't think that sounds like loss of mental capacity. It sounds more like she is trying to guilt you into going there and doing things for her at your expense.

I would keep repeating that help is available but she needs to pay for it.

I'd print out all the local help numbers, taxi services, a local handiman etc and leave the sheet of paper at her house. Social Services can't help her if she chooses not to accept their help and she isn't showing mental decline.

We are going down tomorrow and dh is going to fix her electrics. I'm going to buy her floorv/ table lamps for Christmas so she can ignore the ceiling bulb situation.

Ordered a brochure on warden's rentals in her town too so will mention getting her house valued tomorrow. See how that is received. I can not care for her. My son gets the highest rate DLA. Getting him.to a half functioning independent adult is my major issue. He gas no one and no resources.

Wait for a crisis. It’s coming, and I’m so sorry to be the one to say it but sorrier for you. A fall, usually. She’ll be assessed and may not have mental capacity so you can move ahead and fix up the house etc. Has she done POA? That’s vital.

There’s O you can do at the mo. Except call her GP to express concerns re capacity but there’s nothing s/he can do either.

In the meantime, despite the misery and stress, get on with your own life. DS benefits more from you than DM could.

I'm sorry you find yourself in this situation. However, you cannot help someone who refused to help themselves,you just cannot.

I have a degree of sympathy for your mother. I'm a few years younger than her, but lockdown took its toll, and I'm no longer steady on my feet. But I've paid for as many adaptations that I can think will help me to retain at least a semblance of independence. I have a rollator (less than £200) a stair lift (around £1500), a shower chair and walk in shower (around £7k)and count myself v lucky that I am able to pay for the little bit of independence I retain.

I live with my daughter and her partner (in a house I bought) and they both help me an awful lot. I bought my adaptations to ease my guilt at the reliance I have to have on them, though they've both made it very clear to me,that their help causes them no undue hardship. But, if they couldn't see that I was doing everything possible to help myself, I wouldn't blame them if they did start to resent me.

Bless you, I don't see why they would resent your frailty. You don't sound like your dismissive or prickly! So don't think like that. My mum is hard to be around at the best of times.

I don't think she will give POA. I will build up courage to ask but she'd see it trying to steal her money. Although without it I don't think we could help her move. My sister aggres that she suspects she wants us to finance all costs.

@Supersimkin2 I totally agree with you. But without POA what could I do? It would out of mine and her hands by that point. I have told her that.

I'm considering asking her to rent a flat before she sells the house. That might be option as she has liquid cash. Then she can keep the dream she will be back to normal soon

If you and your sister are already communicating about this, you may do better to both talk to her in person, lay things out very calmly, and explain what you can and can't do.For example, you can contact the council to make some adaptations to her house like handrails, some of these are free. You could do an online food order for her each week if she gives you a list. But you can't drop everything and rush 80 miles to help, and you won't do that, so she needs to understand that she either compromises about downsizing, setting up POA, or she keeps refusing these things and nothing gets easier for her.
Keep repeating that there are some things you can do to help, there are things she can do to improve her quality of life, but it's up to her to make those decisions. You can offer to help with some things but she is still responsible for those choices. It's really hard to help someone who is resistant.

"She told me the neighbours offered help after a fall and hospital stay during covid but when I asked today she is denying they have ever offered help. She has form for re writing history to suit her agenda but with everything else I think she loosing her mental capacity/ critical thinking"

That does not sound like losing her mental capacity; this is more like gaslighting to make you disbelieve your own version of reality. I think she is as sharp as a tack and wants you to do all her care needs and fully finance her costs. I would be on the phone to her council's Social Services department this week making it crystal clear you are not going to become her carer.

Honestly, I would focus on your disabled son. Putting your energy, time and money into helping him will improve his life long term. It sounds like your mum does have the means to help herself, but is choosing not to.

If your mum will make a power of attorney (ideally for finances and for health, but at least for finances) that would really help, but it sounds like it isn't going to happen. The process requires a fee, completing forms with some organisation e.g. getting signatures witnessed, then takes a few months to be approved by the LPA office. All very doable if the person is motivated, but it sounds like your mum isn't.

If you are putting essential food shopping on a credit card, I would explain you can't afford to buy Christmas presents this year, or just a cheap token or homemade present rather than spending money on lamps. Probably they won't get used for some reason.

What was your mum's personality like previously?

I don't wish to unsympathetic to your mum, but it sounds like you have a lot on your plate already and financial difficulties. I would be wary of feeling like you "must" help her for things where she is choosing to not help herself.

What I would do is make suggestions, offer to help organise things (if she pays), and speak to any siblings to ensure you are all on the same page.

Sadly at some point there will probably be a crisis where she ends up in hospital and can't go home.

The best way to avoid going into a care home is to plan ahead of a crisis, so you own home is more suitable.

The most worrying thing you’ve said here is about sitting in the dark rather than get the lights fixed - that’s not a normal reaction and could be a sign of mental decline. She’d need to see her GP for a diagnosis eg dementia/loss of capacity etc. Obviously that comes with pitfalls if she won’t go or won’t be honest if she does.

Would she try an exercise programme designed to help elderly people stay active? Seated yoga, Steady Steps, something like that? It would help with the stairs issue and her mental health would benefit from getting out and doing something social. Has she a friend who might go with her? Does she have much of a social life? Is there anything else she might join to keep her busy and socially engaged?

"The most worrying thing you’ve said here is about sitting in the dark rather than get the lights fixed - that’s not a normal reaction and could be a sign of mental decline".

It could also be a sign of how tight she wants to cling onto her bank balance . She does not want to spend money in her bank account on electricity or even doing anything to help her own self. These types expect others to do it for them because they feel these people owe them.

@hopelesslydevotedtoGu she was / is very abusive. I have looked up psychopath in the past to see if she fitted that, to give you an idea. She was telling me yesterday how my dad had made such a shit job of all the DIY and the house is falling apart. Dad died 20 years ago. In that time she has repaired nothing. So both too tight to maintain the house and too lacking to get in help. Much better to blame other people, she has no power in her life, it seems.

Yes talked to sis about all of this but she is all but no contact so she hasn't seen her in years. I don't think she grasps how close to EOL I perceive mum to be. I talked to her about poa and she is going to ask mates who work more in that kind of area.

I need sis to come and have that poa convo with me. Mum is 79 but scares me tbh. If she gets a wiff we are after controlling her cash she will go mad. I need to look into that and print something off as im sure with poa we cant touch it, but we could pay her rent and food, sell the house, pay the bills?

I don't think she realises that a care home would be over 1k a week and like rent, it's gone but also dries up faster. I don't understand her as I'd rather be in assisted living than fall, break something and needing my bum wiped in a nursing home.

I know I need to have a cards on the table chat. Get the costs and facts straight then sit her down with sis.

Then if she ignores that just let her do whatever. She will fall and brake something and either die in her inadequate local hospital or be moved to care home.

If we don't get poa who winds up and sells her estate if she needs care? We are on her will but that's presuming she she just dies in her house right now.

Whatever it seems I'm in for hell in the near future. Plus to be perfectly Frank I don't want to have find her at the bottom of her stairs with a broken neck. My gut says that is very likely right now.

Can't have a starlit as walls too old - never asked.
Can't get steps out the front made less steep - never asked.
Can't get a downstairs loo - got in her that's ludicrous dispite old victorain outhouse with plumbing and large garden to extend.
Falls and waits over 15 hours before she calls for help.

It's all a lifestyle choice. I'm quite angry today on reflection of our convo.

The only thing I feel certain of is that I can not provide care. I'm burnt out being a carer for my lovely boy as it is. It's always been the case that no one in the family will acknowledge how severe his needs are. They think he grow out of it. He can only grow into it and needs my help. I don't want him in a care home at 18 but right now, today, that's where he is heading. No chance to make shit desisions that lead to a poor outcome. So bloody frustrating. She is selfish. Scared I know too, but still.

Lpa can be done online if mum agrees, the costs are minimal. Needs to be witnessed.
Beware mcarthy and stone type sheltered housing because of costs, there is a recent thread on here about it (sorry no link).
Renting sounds like a great option. Hope mum agrees to make some adaptions sadly resistsnce to change in older life is common.

She has sat in the dark by choice for over a decade. She is minted but because she is so tight with money. Dad gave her money for our clothes and she saved it. It's probably the dividend of my pants money 😄

But now the bulbs have gone or the light pendent is perished so she can't turn them on. Imagine dropping something at night, she hasn't even got a torch. My mind boggles. I told her to get a floor lamp - too old fashioned. Excuses for everything.

She knows she can no longer cope but at the same time is resistant to any changes or anything minor like taxi, cleaner, workmen. I think she would be happy for me to fo everything if I paid
so it does sound like it is money and she does want things made easier but not at her expense. Give her the info, and tell her you'll help to organise it whatever she chooses but SHE needs to fund it!

@IncessantNameChanger, the advice that I was given was to suggest that she makes changes now (as she can choose what she wants), rather than in the future where she may not be able to - for example due to illness or a fall. Remind her that in those circumstances, a hospital will not discharge her unless she has appropriate care in place.

forced into a care home.

CH doesn't sound like a bad outcome.

She was once young and abusive. Now she is old and still very much the same; she has not changed at all in those intervening years. Abusers always blame others for their problems rather than their own selves.

I would cancel your visit to her today and leave her in the care of Social Services. You do not owe her anything let alone a relationship now.

Yes assisted living will have to be rented. If its bought my sister will be dealing with the sale. I can't do that. That would also be better if she needs to move into a care home. Plus with renting we could keep her house and sell the idea to her that it's just to try it, she could move back. I think it's the only option. She would love the idea of selling her house and having hundreds of thousands in the bank. To spend of what I can't imagine.

Sorry to hear this OP. You are clearly a caring daughter but it's very difficult with a contrary parent. My parents are abusive to each other but then bind together to be abusive to others but have taken themselves abroad to live near my sister (the golden child). She ignores them totally as they age.

I realised with my parents that you can't change people. All you can do is your best. My heart goes out to you because you want the best for your Mum and for her to be safe.