Elderly mum getting frailer but unwelcome of any suggestions to improve her situation

[IncessantNameChanger]

I think I posted about this last month too.

Mum is late 70's. Getting more and more frail and immobile but whatever I suggest to her she brushes off.

She is in a 3 bed Victorian terrace with steep steps to the front door. She was telling me today she is struggling to get out of the door now. Walked down her road to buy some batteries and then struggled to get into the shop.

She is worried about getting her Christmas jars in so for the umpteenth time I said to get the bus to the shop but a taxi home.

I said does she want to move to a flat but it will have to start somewhere so get the house valued. She knows she can no longer cope but at the same time is resistant to any changes or anything minor like taxi, cleaner, workmen. I think she would be happy for me to fo everything if I paid but thing is I've got 4 kids, live 80 miles away and one child is severely disabled. I know my limits and while I could take her Christmas shopping I can not care for her. Well I could if my son went into care. That's not something I'm willing to do.

At this rate she won't be able live independently much longer, but she could if she accepted help.

I'm beginning to think she is loosing capacity as her thought process is borderline insane. She she might as well just die, I said "over paying for a taxi?"

I'm feeling so drained by her lack of openess to help her own situation

Her mind does not boggle and she could go on for many years yet.

I would leave her to her life choices and these types do have a ready made excuse for everything.

She basically wants your sister and you to pay for it all at your expense and or otherwise facilitate her life; she feels that entitled. I doubt very much she has made any will and testement.

Sorry - to many buts in my post!

I don't think that anyone would even think of criticising you for not doing the things she's wanting you to do.

It doesn't sound like she provided the care you needed as a child abs is now wanting you to do everything for her.

Coming over to the Elderly Parents Section like a PP suggested is a good idea as is taking a huge step back.

If she has capacity, she has the capacity to make poor decisions.

If you do suspect it's a capacity issue, you can write to, or email her doctor's. Make it clear that you don't want to know anything but lost why you have concerns over her capacity and ask if they can assess her. We've had to do this a couple of times with different family members and they've been called in for a "well woman/man" health check which has started off the referrals to the Memory Clinic.

As for the POA could you point out to her that if she does get into the situation where she needs someone to advocate for her, getting a Solicitor to be a Guardian and manage her affairs will be much more expensive for her.

She shouldn't have that much in her current account in case of scammers. She should be encouraged to move some to a savings account with no card access.

She shouldn't have that much in her current account in case of scammers. She should be encouraged to move some to a savings account with no card access

I was going to mention that too but forgot!

Totally agree. After lots of talks with my M about how easy it would be for someone to empty her account, she's finally let me put it in Premium Bonds for her in her name.

She wouldn't let us put it anywhere else, but that's fine, it's not in the current account.

Hi OP
I wonder if maybe she needs to see what things could look like before she will take a move. Could you research some sheltered/retirement flats in her area and then book some time to take her to see them. She could then potentially see how much easier her life would be, help on hand if she needs it, no more crazy steps and trouble getting home. Some people are very visual and seeing a lovely new cozy home might help her to feel motivated by it? At the moment it's all in her head.

And yes, have a chat with adult social services. There are all sorts of ways they can help her, including grab rails, ramps etc. as she has funds, she'll likely to need to contribute. Does she have a Will? If not, perhaps you could talk to her about that and combine it with a POA discussion?

My dad is getting on and has mobility issues. He has a will and although he's not ready to give me POA, he's given me access to his accounts so that if he were to pass suddenly, although I couldn't touch the money I'd have an idea of his outgoings/bills and would know who I'd need to contact etc.

It just sounds like she wants to stay in her own home to me. Fair enough. Has she ever had an occupational therapist come to the home to assess how they can help with this? Most minor adaptions to the home are free of charge. I would be contacting the local councils social service department and asking for a home occupational therapist assessment (OT). She will have to consent mind. They can also address the issue of capacity, falls and possible need for carers.

She wrote a will up soon after dad died and likes to tell she is giving it all the cats home. But I think she will giving it to a care home. That is what tells me she is saving for anyway but I'm sure that's to get a rise put of me " oh no mum! Surely not! Your so young and spritly snd you know I will abandon the kids to move in and care for you!" But poa gets a change of conversation.

The deeds are on her draw! With the will 🙄

She told me she had split her accounts across back's to protect what's above the FSA amount then told me its all in the one bank. I wouldn't be surprised if she has much, much more money. I told her about premium bonds but again she asks then shows no interest in what I'm saying but I could offer to set premium bonds up.

I have told her, if she falls badly her choices will be removed but she said I'm scaring her. In a way it would be a relief if the state took her desisions away. Then there's nothing I can do ever

If it feels futile and you think she has capacity then leave it.

You can't stop her being abusive or neglecting herself. Nor can you take away her expectation for you to fix everything.

You have a lot to deal with at home. You've tried and she's being quite deaf to your concerns.

I'd do what Hairy says then take a huge step back and come and join up on the Elderly parents section

She has no control over anything anymore, she wants control of you.
MIL was the same. Wanted DH to do everything regardless of distance, job, family. Why bother sorting anything when he could come and do it in a 7 hour round trip.
You need to be firm and unwavering about things. You’re busy, this is how it will be from now on.
MIL used to always tell us she ‘hadn’t seen a living soul for weeks’ when in fact people had been in every single day to see her. Just guilt tripping DH to do what she wanted.
I’ve seen friends parents/grandparents move into homes/flats and improve so much. But needed a fight to do it. It really is for the best.

I could have written your OP five years ago - except it is my DF not DM, and all that money he saved by being tight is currently paying towards his care fees. It's been a hard road and the only advice I can give you is to do what you can - (post on the elderly parents board for support along the way), but do everything in your power to protect and maintain your own mental health. Taking on responsibility for a difficult parent who has been abusive is the hardest thing I have ever done in my life. It is really, really difficult to do this and it can lead to a lot of resentment and anger. And that is not easy to resolve! If you have your boundaries through each stage, and don't defer from them... that will hopefully help a lot!

Yes I do feel resentful.that I'm always giving of compassion that has never been granted to me. I had counciling on the nhs a year ago for her abuse. It was only six sessions but it really opened my eyes to our toxgc relationship. I'm a people pleaser but I can't ever please her. Again I don't think people will grasp just how awful she was. I should have been in care. She is very manipulative and good at hiding her true self. But she started abusing her neighbour years ago. But the neighbour soon stopped that

Well you are both better people than me, as I have nothing to do with my frail parents who were abusive and controlling - they still are given half a chance. I don't intend to have anything to do with their care should they need it. Good luck and hope you manage to sort things out.

I ended up in counselling as well, and I would go to my (paid for session that I couldn't afford) and talk so much about how angry I was at something he said or did. It was like a lifetime of anger was just coming out. I felt very, very trapped and I didn't understand boundaries and I struggled a lot. I wished a thousand times that I had left him to it when he was younger and I was younger. It is not fair to expect a child who has been abused to care for the abusive adult - no matter the relationship.

When I say do what you can - I mean in terms of phone calls and accessing support - I went down the physical caring route (for a short time) but it was a disaster. I made myself ill.

My counsellor was great at telling me my reaction was normal, and sat and helped me work out what to do at each step. It helped me get over some things, but there is only so much counselling can do - you have to do what you can to put yourself first as well. Learn to say no, learn to get her out of your head more. And learn to be more comfortable feeling selfish - because you may feel that not being there is selfish (it isn't). The truth is she is lucky to still have you at all. She is very lucky to have you.

You know your energy needs to go to your son - but it also needs to go to you. People with loving parents will never understand - so don't expect them to, but loads of people do understand. Seek as much support from them as possible.

And you give compassion because you are a compassionate person. That is a good thing - but I understand the resentment. This is one of the things I have struggled with, because I felt less than compassionate at times and I hated that, I didn't want it to change me.

I think it's very hard for many elderly people (including non-abusive ones) to admit they are getting older and accept they can't cope. Moving from one's home is very stressful.

With my parents, they initially absolutely refused help. I very gradually introduced tiny baby steps eg getting a cleaner in for a couple of hours a week. We were also in touch with social services, who provided some adaptations for free eg handrails, and put pressure on them to accept more help.

Eventually, the combination of pressures from social services, GPs, other organisations supporting the elderly, led to such a crescendo they couldn't ignore it. Plus they got a month paid for by social services for respite care, while the house was made safe eg wipe clean flooring, disabled shower (at their expense).

It was a long slow process though. For any old person, losing their independence is a hard knock. You need to make sure social services are fully engaged - shouldn't be your responsibility to provide care.

I'm on my way down to her now but I'm dreading it. Not really announced so can see how cold and dark the house is. She had lots of free adaptions after her last fall. She had left so late calling for help she was quite immobile afterwards. She also had six weeks of care but stopped it after a week. Me and sister stayed for a few days but I think if she fell again it might be better if we wasn't there. Gave the impression she had support around her but we are 80 and 100 miles away.

I think if she had been a normal mum and kind this would all be different. But possibly not. She is in denial. It would so much easier not to do this pre crisis level. But she has mentioned moving for years. Seems oblivious to the fact that when i wanted to move i had to be proactive and do just that. Everytime she mentioned moving i told her look or whatever its always beeb "how am i suposed to do that the?" So she just shut me down. Wants change but doesnt want to change anything.

How did it go incessant?

Not read the full post, but stairlifts can be fitted to stair treads. The more I read about these difficult parents on MN, the more I hope that I won't expect my DC to look after me!

oP just read this and you sound like an amazing woman. I'm so sorry your mum was and still is abusyve

I hope you managed to have a good conversation yesterday. It sounds so difficult.

the more I hope that I won't expect my DC to look after me!

if you have been and are a kind parent you don't need to worry. I don't want to ever frustrate my kids and have too much self respect to create unnecessary drama. Some people are so outside of the experience of having a disordered parent that they can't help but invalidate those of us who have lived this reality. No one wins, it's a loss all round, and it's lonely when a large chunk or society has their fingers in their ears.

We wasn't with her for long, she seemed in good spirits and house was warm enough.

What she didn't tell me was that the TV engineer had changed the bulb in the working light as a favour. He he said he knows a good electrician but she told him "so do I and he is free" meaning dh, so that made it clear its about money, not capacity. She has also had a plumber in. But her bathroom tap was running, she said it just needs tightening. It needs a new washer.

I think her capacity is still fine. I didn't have the conversation about poa or a warden home as I think my sister needs to get involved. The kids was with me and fighting. I just can't take it on alone and if I did have the conversation am by default making it my problem.

She has had some hospital tests so will wait for those results and pleaded with her not go out in the snow.

I so agree.

Your 100% obligation is to your family, not this abusive woman.

Leave her to social services.

You cannot fix her, nor help her.

Drop the rope.

Focus on your family.

She isn't worth the stress.