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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Is this normal?

51 replies

Closmouettes · 10/12/2022 15:05

I have a serious stomach problem and eat a very boring, limited and restricted diet. My husband can eat and drink everything but I am very discrete and don't make an issue out of my problems as there is nothing more boring. I have been under a lot of stress and took a bar of my husbands chocolate. I can hardly believe I am writing this as its so childish but he was furious and yelled that I was never ever to say I felt ill again and that he just wasn't interested. I tried to say I am human and accepted it was wrong but I was just really fed up. The next time it happened I lied and denied it as I knew his reaction.it is so stupid but he then screamed at me that I was a f* ing liar right in my face and that the trust between us is now over. I know I lied but his reaction makes me feel I dont think this relationship is good for me.

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Whiskeypowers · 10/12/2022 15:14

I think you know the answer to this already

does he often scream at you?
Being stressed isn’t a reason to go apeshit over your spouse eating some of your chocolate

SheldonsShoulder · 10/12/2022 15:16

He doesn’t respect you. You can get angry with someone you live without screaming abuse in their face.

Liveafr · 10/12/2022 15:23

I have gestational diabetes so i've asked my partner to hide the sweet things in our house and not eat them in front of me. But i found them and ate some. His reaction: he laughed. Your husband's reaction is far from normal. It's bordering on abusive and seriously lacks compassion and support for your issue.

Closmouettes · 10/12/2022 15:24

Yes, I do feel this is dead in the water and l feel its unacceptable but because I lied about it should I feel I am not without fault and should take my responsibility for causing his reaction?.

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thistimelastweek · 10/12/2022 15:25

He should have put it in the marriage vows.
You know, 'with all my worldly goods I thee endow. Except my chocolate stash. I get to keep that.'

He's an arse.

Closmouettes · 10/12/2022 15:29

Lol, thats funny but I feel incredibly guilty now for lying over it but to say that has destroyed all the trust in the marriage as he said to me is a huge over reaction. He then said what else do you lie about? But as we both work from home and are always together he knows my very move. Really I just feel I have had enough. To me its just horrible childish and dominating behaviour.

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Closmouettes · 10/12/2022 15:32

Thank you for that. Yes that to me your husband has a normal reaction. He keeps going on that I am a liar and totally untrustworthy and the relationship has completely broken down... I think he's just trying to make me feel so embarrassed and uncomfortable. Its so dominating and cruel.

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MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 10/12/2022 15:35

I know I lied but his reaction makes me feel I dont think this relationship is good for me

Probably the understatement of the year. What are you going to do now?

amiold · 10/12/2022 15:36

Is he carrying on because the chocolate will make you poorly or because he doesn't want to share it?

He sounds a right nob

Closmouettes · 10/12/2022 15:42

He doesn't care about my illness that's obvious, he cares that I lied to him and has destroyed the trust he had in the relationship. ( So he says. ) He hasent spoken to me for 6 days so I am off to stay with my girlfriend as its such a terrible atmosphere I can't stand much more.

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thistimelastweek · 10/12/2022 15:50

The lying is an excuse to be nasty. He was unpleasant when you didn't lie.

He should be asking himself why you lied because the answer isn't pretty. You lied because he's a nasty bully.

amiold · 10/12/2022 15:51

Closmouettes · 10/12/2022 15:42

He doesn't care about my illness that's obvious, he cares that I lied to him and has destroyed the trust he had in the relationship. ( So he says. ) He hasent spoken to me for 6 days so I am off to stay with my girlfriend as its such a terrible atmosphere I can't stand much more.

You need to leave. Or put him out. Depends on who's house it is etc.

Toomanysleepycats · 10/12/2022 16:01

He sounds like he’s looking for a reason to have a go at you.

If you ever have a big row, does the row keep to the original subject, or does a whole load of other stuff get dragged up?

His reaction to you over the first time is extreme, which meant that you lied the second time, understandable on your part. I would get annoyed if someone ate my chocolate (I do have issues about this sort of thing), but it would be in proportion to the amount it affected me ie. Last bit of choccie in the house when all shops are closed. But however annoyed I am I can’t see my self ever screaming at them.

He is treating you the same way a bully might abuse a child. He certainly doesn’t think you are his equal.

You can take as much responsibility as you like, but you still doesn’t deserve that level of abuse.

We can choose how we react to things. It may be difficult at times, but abusers say ‘You make me behave this way”. I have my own bully whom I’m leaving that says “I just see red when you use that tone of voice”. I still don’t know what tone of voice he objects to.

We are all responsible for our own behaviour. You own that what you did was wrong. He needs to admit his reaction was also wrong.

Closmouettes · 10/12/2022 16:02

Thank you, yes you are right, I lied to try and stop him exploding again. Yes he is a bully. I just can't take any more. I have pussyfooted around him for years but now I really don't want this any more. In fact I think this time its finally killed completely any of the love I had for him. I dont think I wanted to admit that as I did love him so much.

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Closmouettes · 10/12/2022 16:02

its in our joint names.

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Closmouettes · 10/12/2022 16:08

Thank you for taking the time to write. Actually it was my own chocolate, I would not dare touch his stash. I bought it myself, Yes, everything gets thrown in to justify his argument and the final insult is always don't you dare say you love me when you behave like this towards me. I really feel it was a dreadful scene over nothing. Then I have the cold shoulder, he just doesn't speak. Its now the sixth day of utter silence.

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Closmouettes · 10/12/2022 16:12

Yes, he is fine if everything goes his way. If I say or do something he doesn't like all hell breaks lose. I have kept quiet to keep an even keel but now I really have had enough. I just want it to be over. Its too late for talking , as I know it will always happen again.

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Ofcourseshecan · 10/12/2022 16:28

You lied (a trivial harmless lie) because you were scared of him. He abuses you. All his bullshit about you destroying his trust is rubbish — he is the problem.

Please get away from him.

Closmouettes · 10/12/2022 16:30

Thank you , yes I do feel he has the problem. I thought he would change overtime but sadly people don't change, I think they get worse.

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BigglyBee · 10/12/2022 16:36

Being afraid of him is enough of a reason to get far, far away from him. You only lied because you were afraid to tell the truth. Your description reads like the beginning of a lot of posts I've read, which go on to detail escalating abuse.
Don't give him the chance. Be prepared for a really nasty split, get all the help and support you can and get yourself to safety.

Closmouettes · 10/12/2022 16:46

Thank you so much for such good advice. I have always accepted that I am at fault but this time I just knew I had been pushed too far but I needed to hear say that too as I always think its me. Thank you for taking the time to write and help me.

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Closmouettes · 26/12/2022 19:29

Update
Since this arguement on 10th December, this asshole has not said one word. All my plans for Christmas had to be cancelled as I was to embarrassed to have anyone to come to the house. I have been to citizens advice to see how to get him out of the house but at the moment it seems I am stuck. It is horrendous.

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SteveHarringtonsChestHair · 26/12/2022 19:42

So he has stonewalled you for over 2 weeks!! He’s a massive disrespectful abusive arsehole. I’m sorry he ruined your Christmas. Please do yourself a huge favour and dump him as a new year gift to yourself.

junebirthdaygirl · 26/12/2022 20:26

Some of your stomach/ gut issues could stem from stress and unease due to this horrible man. Try to do things for yourself outside the house and completely ignore him and his abusive behaviour. Hopefully you can find a solution to the house situation so you can peacefully live on your own.
Mind yourself.

Closmouettes · 26/12/2022 20:29

Yes, I think you are right. I have been so ill through the stress if it all. I cant keep anything in at all. Its such a horrible atmosphere, the silence is deafening.

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