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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is this normal?

51 replies

Closmouettes · 10/12/2022 15:05

I have a serious stomach problem and eat a very boring, limited and restricted diet. My husband can eat and drink everything but I am very discrete and don't make an issue out of my problems as there is nothing more boring. I have been under a lot of stress and took a bar of my husbands chocolate. I can hardly believe I am writing this as its so childish but he was furious and yelled that I was never ever to say I felt ill again and that he just wasn't interested. I tried to say I am human and accepted it was wrong but I was just really fed up. The next time it happened I lied and denied it as I knew his reaction.it is so stupid but he then screamed at me that I was a f* ing liar right in my face and that the trust between us is now over. I know I lied but his reaction makes me feel I dont think this relationship is good for me.

OP posts:
Pinkbonbon · 26/12/2022 20:30

He's a violent bully
There's no excuse to scream in someone's face.
Sorry you're going through this op. Stay safe.

Original poster
Closmouettes · 26/12/2022 20:30

There is no going back. Its over but how to get him out is the next hurdle. I dont want to give up my house but I wil have to just to get rid of him.

OP posts:
Pinkbonbon · 26/12/2022 20:31

Might be worth seeing a solicitor for advice.

GibKev · 26/12/2022 20:35

You are not being unreasonable. I am on the border for Chromes and a few other food allergies and suffer from major depression and struggle to eat.

I always make excuses why not to eat, but those who know and are close to me understand and want me to eat to stay healthy, but understand my options and help me choose new and exciting things.

If your husband doesnt get it, want to help or understand maybe he isnt good for you.

FictionalCharacter · 26/12/2022 21:47

Closmouettes · 10/12/2022 15:24

Yes, I do feel this is dead in the water and l feel its unacceptable but because I lied about it should I feel I am not without fault and should take my responsibility for causing his reaction?.

No. You are not responsible for such an aggressive, nasty, disproportionate reaction from him.

Opentooffers · 26/12/2022 21:56

See a solicitor and start divorce proceedings. I wouldn't even bother talking to him about it given the silent treatment he's served you. Just let them serve him the papers.
Meanwhile, if you have a spare bedroom, move into it, disconnect and grey rock. Because there is no point trying to reason with someone so clearly off the charts batshit crazy and abusive.

VisaGeezer · 26/12/2022 22:01

Spectacularly OTT and unreasonable.

He sounds abusive.

He sounds like he's thinks you're his verbal & emotional punching bag.

Pineappleskies · 26/12/2022 22:01

Goodness I really am shocked he has not made any effort to put things right.

I guess he saw you were done and moving out proved this.

Do be careful as I can imagine with someone with a nasty streak like this and temper and selfishness...that his silence may mean he is occupied with various schemes to slur, defraud or otherwise harm you.

You really must move to legal advice urgently and also make sure family, friends, your employer and any others he may target as proxies know you are ending the marriage.

Upyoursxmas · 26/12/2022 22:18

Stay angry and stay strong.
He's a horrible spiteful twat who you will feel so much happier without.
Get legal advice for the house.
Tell all your friends and family how he treats you.

qpmz · 27/12/2022 08:22

He sounds horrible.
Chocolate is a shared thing though, why do couples have their own stash?

Liveafr · 27/12/2022 10:56

I'm sorry things have turned so badly. I hope you have support to help you leave.

Original poster
Closmouettes · 27/12/2022 14:29

No, we don't have our own stashes. I dont eat it only very very rarely due to stomach issues so its called his chocolate simply because we both don't usually partake in it.

OP posts:
Original poster
Closmouettes · 27/12/2022 14:36

I know, but I think if he had apologised I would have forgiven him yet again. (until the next time) Now I can't, for my own self respect. I know I deserve better. When I look back at our life together I have loved and and cared for him and always put him before me. Unfortunately it has never been reciprocated.

OP posts:
Watchkeys · 27/12/2022 16:13

If it was you at fault, would that mean the relationship was then good for you?

It's just bad for you anyway, isn't it, regardless of the blamey pointy finger? Nobody has to be objectively 'wrong'; there are no rules about how much he is 'allowed' to shout or how much of his chocolate you are 'allowed' to eat. He just behaves in a way that makes you feel like shit.

Original poster
Closmouettes · 27/12/2022 16:46

Yes, I never looked at it like that but you are so right. You said it better than I could.

OP posts:
IsThePopeCatholic · 27/12/2022 16:52

Don’t let him destroy you, op. Go and see a solicitor and start planning your new life. Good luck.

liarliarshortsonfire · 27/12/2022 16:57

This isn't about chocolate anymore, but he should have supported you, and not kicked off.

Go and see cab and even a solicitor, then kick off the divorce, he can find out about it via the post if he won't take to you about it.

Original poster
Closmouettes · 27/12/2022 17:21

Thank you. I will. I can't tell you the stress that this atmosphere has caused. I can't sleep,cant eat and feel physically ill. I dont have good coping strategies at the best of times and this has been horrendous.

OP posts:
Angliski · 27/12/2022 18:12

He’s a fucking abusive pig. Get that disgusting excuse of space lit of your home asap.

Watchkeys · 27/12/2022 18:52

If you find yourself needing coping strategies, leave. Don't question whether your coping strategies are good enough; relationships are meant to add something to your life, not be something you have to be 'good at coping with'.

Original poster
Closmouettes · 27/12/2022 18:54

Yes I have moved into the spare room. I avoid him around the house and kep a very low profile. never done so much walking. It has kept me sane. It is more difficult as being Christmas everyone is busy with families and tied up so I can't escape anywhere.

OP posts:
Original poster
Closmouettes · 27/12/2022 19:05

Thank you. I do have support thank goodness.

OP posts:
NewStartNow · 27/12/2022 19:06

Oh my darling. You've been treading on eggshells for so long. I second June birthday girl in saying that he's probably the cause of your GI issues.
Also, what some else up thread said... That we often get lost in the cause of an disagreement rather than the way its being dealt with. There should be no shouting or getting up in your face. And silent treatment is the worst (narcs know that because it drives them mad) x

supercali77 · 27/12/2022 20:12

Can you go to a family or friend for a few days so you can get some sleep and escape the atmosphere? It will help you figure out your options and make calls etc. You shouldn't have to live like this

Original poster
Closmouettes · 27/12/2022 20:59

Yes I am going to stay with my girlfriend next week. She has had he parents with her over Christmas so it has been a bit difficult. I am going back to work tomorow anyway. I never thought I would be so happy to go back .

OP posts: