My DP.was propositioned by a man and didn't tell me

[ThatEdgyFeeling]

An odd one. My DP is 51, ex army, now in another very macho male field. Muscly, stocky, very much a bloke. Despite his old fashioned slightly right wing views, he has always been gay positive. Which I loved as men of his background often are not.( his friends etc)

However, I now am beginning to wonder if it may be that, on the gay spectrum, he may be more bi curious than I thought.

We have an incredibly adventurous sex life. In the two years together we have got into mild BDSM and he also has a nylon fetish. We started off with him being the dom and now switch around 50%, where I am the domme and he has really embraced anal play. He didn't know much about bdsm before we met.

However, I think this is making him curious about gay sex. He is away with work and I had dinner with a friend. Somehow it came up that when they had been at men's group dinner in a hotel while back, another guest had come up a few times to talk to him and, at the end of the night suggested he joined him in his room. My DP breezily waved him off,with a 'Not for me, thanks'. My male friend said it was cool and relaxed.

However, I am now wondering how many straight men get propositioned. That was a pretty confident attempt. Was this man's gaydar up?

It has unsettled me.

Surely his bisexuality is irrelevant unless he wants to be unfaithful.

Most straight men i know have been hit on by another man at some point in their life. He probably didn't tell you because it was a non-event. I wouldn't give it any more thoughts.

Every straight man I know has been propositioned by another man, yet all my gay friends have never had this happen to them and are like "why doesn't this ever happen to me who'd actually be interested????" 😂😂

I’m bi, hugely attracted to women yet I am and always have been faithful to my long-term male partner.

Even if he is attracted to men, it doesn’t mean he’ll cheat. I hate this bi stigma 😩

Is the fundamental worry that he’ll cheat on you? I can’t really see anything to be co concerned about here. Even if he did have sexual feelings about men does that matter as long as he’s faithful? I don’t think BDSM or role play makes people gay. Sexuality is complex!

Him being propositioned is not his responsibility, his response to it is.

But you seem to be thinking the fact he was propositioned brings his sexuality into question? It doesn't.

I don't make the connection at all. I've been hit on plenty of times by women when I was younger. Once even a good friend who knew damn full well I'm not (and wasn't) gay. I'm not gay and never have been. I do think you're reading way too much into this

My DP is 51, ex army, now in another very macho male field. Muscly, stocky, very much a bloke.

I have no idea if your partner is gay or bi obviously so I'm not commenting on your situation specifically.

But I wanted to address this comment you made. You do know none of this means someone isn't gay, yes?

That plenty of gay men are muscly, stocky and work in 'macho male' fields.

You know that gay men are 'very much blokes'?

You sound like you think they all live up to an outdated and ignorant stereotype.

They don't.

I know PLENTY of straight guys who have been approached by gay men and just like your DP they politely said no. It doesnt mean they are secretly gay. My gay male friends also have many stories of guys they had approached and were convinced they were also gay and then found out they werent after all. Ive also been asked out before by women and I am not gay. I certainly didnt think anything more of it than simply a nice compliment. It has no bearing on my own sexuality at all. I suspect there are other things making you think this tbh because if it really is just that, its a bit silly.

No, sexuality is definitely not a spectrum!

There are three sexualities - Gay, Straight & Bi.

Many decades ago when my now ex was around 30 he spent a weekend doing up his VW campervan, in a nearby street as we were in a flat with no parking. Two days running he found a note left on the van asking him if he was gay and looking for company to meet at midnight next to the church.

It unsettled him that he was being watched and he parked the van in another street!

Just because a gay man finds another man attractive doesn't mean a straight guy is giving out messages.

"However, I now am beginning to wonder if it may be that, on the gay spectrum, he may be more bi curious than I thought. *"
*
^Your post reads that because he is accepting of, say, the LGBT community, then he could be gay

We should all be accepting. And, in fact, shouldn't even be considering someone's sexuality!^

Does it matter? You're feeling teary, what? Teary your DP may be bi? I thought we were long past those views tbh.

It doesn't matter if he's straight or bi, what's important is that you are his only partner and he's faithful. It doesn't sound like he has any intention to cheat either way, so what's the problem exactly?

Seems your DP has much more understanding views towards homosexuality than you do OP.

I dont see the big deal at all.

How are gay men supposed to know if another man is gay or not unless they approach them? I mean I know gaydar is supposed to be a thing, and some people are more obviously camp which may or may not mean they are gay, but gay people cannot 100% tell is another man is gay or not.

I'm pretty sure there are plenty of gay men who have been propositioned by women, it doesn't suddenly mean they have straight fantasies or they are actually bisexual. Someone else's actions don't determine our sexuality.

And even if he is bisexual so what? Why would that make you upset?

It sounds like you have some fairly narrow ideas of what gay men are and aren't, and also maybe aren't as comfortable with all the sexual experimenting as you think you are (no you playing with butt plugs will not have made your DH bi, he either is or he isnt)

I think the event is nothing, but how you are feeling about it is everything. One thing about all that kinky sex stuff is that it's essential to be absolutely open with partners, isn't it? Otherwise how do you know the other one is still liking it? For that reason I think the only person you should be talking to about how you're feeling is your DP. It doesn't even have to be confrontational, just tell him what your friend said and that it's making you feel weird. That works as long as you trust him not to be a dick about it (and if you don't trust him... Well, there's your answer).

How are gay men supposed to know if another man is gay or not unless they approach them? I mean I know gaydar is supposed to be a thing, and some people are more obviously camp which may or may not mean they are gay, but gay people cannot 100% tell is another man is gay or not.
I'm pretty sure there are plenty of gay men who have been propositioned by women, it doesn't suddenly mean they have straight fantasies or they are actually bisexual. Someone else's actions don't determine our sexuality

Totally agree with this.

Lol. If you think that gay men or indeed women have an infallible gaydar you would be wrong!

First of all--- I understand why people think this, but being into BDSM and liking stockings doesn't mean you are more prone to potential bi tendencies, nor does it necessarily act as a gateway to this. Liking anal play doesn't either. So many straight couples do anal stuff, it is actually very common. Yes, BDSM communities are definitely more open to fluid and non-straight sexualities but there are plenty of straight people who do it too. These things aren't necessarily red flags for being bi, in themselves.

However OP clearly your gut is telling you something not sure what, but you know your husband and will therefore notice even the tiniest things that seem 'off' or different. I hope your talk with him goes ok x

Please ignore the line through that sentence, I don't know why it is there! @mumsnet please can you fix this annoying glitch! Keeps happening.

Any vigorous friction and you’ll have a fire hazard on your hands 😞

My partner gets propositioned a lot , similar look , but we live in London and frequent bars where hook up culture is the norm . He got propositioned a few weeks ago collecting a pizza 🤣

Does he also like wearing the stockings?

I am a straight male and have been propositioned a couple of times (not including the times i went to madam JoJo’s!)

If you are generally gregarious and out going people can get the wrong end of the stick!

If he's bi or not it makes no difference, he was propositioned and turned them down so either which way he wants to be with you and didn't want to jeopardise that.