Could do with some perspective on this, how I communicate with partner?

[Twirl6]

I honestly can’t tell if how I communicate with my partner is reasonable or not. I would love to get some perspectives or advice on this.
i have always been a thinker and talker, none of my partners have really ever been this.
I split from my ex husband 3 years ago after he had an affair. But sometimes I think back about what I could have done to stop that happening, I know it was him and not me but sometimes I think of how I may have contributed to the split. He often called me a nag and said I picked at him, I felt I was just talking to him and trying to address issues we had in our marriage. And there were many.

my new boyfriend of 6 months has now said similar things and I feel awful that I may be making him feel like that.
an example- my new boyfriend is often moody, maybe once a week (I only see him twice a week or so), He’s quiet, snappy, not very affectionate which is the opposite of how he usually is. During these times I feel like I can’t really ask him what’s wrong because he snaps at me. It’s usually work/tiredness but it feels like it’s because of me.
so today I said to him that his moodiness makes this relationship feel very hot and cold, rhat I know it’s not because of me but it makes me feel like I’ve done something and then his expectation of me being happy and chirpy during these moody periods is hard to keep up when I then don’t feel like that. I said when he’s like that it sometimes feel like he doesn’t want me there and then I feel like I want to go home. I asked that even if he said something like “I’ve not had a great day” or whatever then I would maybe understand what’s going on for him. He got quite upset at this and said that’s how he is as a person and im picking at his character and that he doesn’t ask me to change who I am.
was I being unreasonable? Surely that’s a normal conversation to have to try to fix an issue?

Hmm, you've only been with him 6 months and for half the time you're together he's grouchy? What's making you stay with him? I wouldn't waste any more time, or any more headspace on him.

I know we can be all grumpy. I’m less annoyed at the grumpiness as I am about his response

Could it be there are patterns in who you are choosing as a partner? I would think to cut your losses with this one, he does sound moody and you’re only 6 months in which should be the honeymoon period.

Men call women a nag when women have to persistently request support and involvement from them when it’s not automatically offered, usually in household chores. a basic expectation in a partnership.

if this is your experience leading to the accusations then the problem is with the men you choose not you.

Get rid. Moody men always turn out to be fucking awful.

6 months in is the honeymoon period where you see the absolute best side of a new partner. Relationship shouldn’t be any work at this stage.

Thank you all for your answers. I know he’s grumpy and it’s probably too soon for that.
but am I right in how I communicated this? Is it picky/naggy?

I'd have said the same to him to give him chance to let me know what's going on with him. Ultimately though, life's too short for that shit. Grumpy arses are no fun and this is him showing you his best self. You are unhappy and I can almost feel the atmosphere there must be with you pensive and him being Victor Meldrew but less vocal. Give yourself the great gift of singledom for Christmas because you don't deserve this. You aren't his support human, or his mum, or his therapist, or responsible in any way for his moods or jollying him out of them. Fuck that shit. End the relationship and you will feel lighter and happier

It doesn't sound like you're being picky. Asking someone to be considerate of their loved one's feelings is not asking for a personality change!

No it's not picky/naggy to say how you're feeling. He sounds awful. You'd be better off without him.

Moodiness is an example of emotional abuse

it appears you have gone from one abuser to yet another one. It is not an uncommon scenario. Your boundaries, already skewed by previous mistreatment, are being further eroded by this man now.

abuse is not about communication or a perceived lack of, it’s about power and control.

Better to be on your own than to be badly accompanied, do not stay with this current man of a mere 6 months.

would also suggest you enrol
yourself onto the Freedom Programme and read Women who
love too much by Robin Norwood

Don't ever stop talking about how you're feeling. You're not picky or a nag. You're a normal person who wants to face issues head on and not sweep them under the carpet.

This man would rather avoid issues and you being you, trying to encourage him to talk rather than sit in a mood is rubbing him up the wrong way because he's a miserable twat and doesn't deal with things the way you do. How dare he call you a nag!

my new boyfriend is often moody, maybe once a week (I only see him twice a week or so), He’s quiet, snappy, not very affectionate which is the opposite of how he usually is.

If he's moody once a week and you see him twice a week, then moody IS how he usually is!

Is it picky/naggy?

Only in the sense that you're trying to teach him to be a decent partner when that's not something that can be taught. It's not a bad way to communicate, just futile in this set of circumstances...

No you're not picky or nagging.

If your partner is being grumpy and moody then you have every reason to ask why; and every right to tell them you're not going to put up with them being a stroppy arse.

...that's how he is as a person and i'm picking at his character... Really? Oh, so he expects to put up with his moods and his strops and his bad temper then, because that's who he is.

Well, at least you know what he's really like, because he has literally told you that he isn't a nice person.

I'd finish with him if I were you.

I think you tolerate things that a lot of other women wouldn’t and, as a result, find yourself with quite unpleasant men.

Your boyfriend of six months is grumpy with you half the time you see him. The healthy sensible response to this is to end it - not to wonder how you can be more accommodating.

He isn't into you really.. new relationship , best behaviours, falling in love.. how can he possibly be that grumpy

I know it’s not because of me but it makes me feel like I’ve done something and then his expectation of me being happy and chirpy during these moody periods is hard to keep up when I then don’t feel like that.

When someone is in a mood 50 per cent of the time this is not something to even try and communicate about. It’s something to get away from immediately. He is abusing you, and he’s getting you to be complicit in your own abuse by manipulating you into acting happy while your being abused.

Men like this get off on making you uncomfortable. Get rid.

Honestly he's not worth it

It's not just the moodiness it's the expectation that you will remain chipper despite it e.g. you aren't allowed to be a human being with thoughts and feelings and opinions of your own, only he is.

This will end up so much more than some moodiness. He already thinks you are there to service him.

He won’t change. I have had my fill of moody men so this would be the end of the relationship for me. We aren’t all happy all the time but either he doesn’t come over (given you don’t live together) or he says what’s wrong and give him some space. Just being moody and snappy and making you feel uncomfortable is not nice. It’s not you.

The reason these men are saying similar things is because they are similar character's. They are both emotionally abusive. Refusing to discuss relationship problems, calling you names and cheating are emotionally abusive behaviours. It’s not your fault.

Lets call these moods what they are. They are an attempt to intimidate you. This man is deliberately using intimidating silence, words and body language to make you uncomfortable so you squirm and fawn and appease him. He gets off on it. It makes him feel powerful.

Unfortunately far too many of us are familiar with these dark sinister moods these abusive men have. It’s no surprise it’s happening at his house where no one can see what he’s doing.

Its aggressive. It’s intimidating. It’s bullying and he wouldn’t dare do it to a man.

You really should not see him again op.

Tell him how you feel. How he makes you feel. How you don't want it. You don't like the feelings. You need him to understand or you need him gone. Best wishes.

He's abusing you.

Expecting sometime to act happy and chirpy while you're treating them badly because of your dark mood is abusive.

You need to end this relationship. He is not a good or nice man.

He doesn't want the relationship with you OP.

Next time he's like that when you're staying over at his place, just up and walk out that door, goodbye I'm off. Don't seek for permission or forgiveness, just go.

and quite frankly stay gone. You don't have to put up with him with his face like a kite, you have your own company to enjoy.

What daisychain says is quite right. In the first few months of dating, you should be showing each other your best side. It's nothing like an established relationship where you have made a commitment of some sort to keep them company through the bad times as well as the good. In the early days, everything should be fun - if it's not 'fuck yes', then it's no, as one very wise article writer has put it. You make a decision each time you see them at that stage - is this still something I want to invest in? And if you feel at all undecided/conflicted, then walk away.