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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

WhatsApp girl

75 replies

Vanillapodder · 08/12/2022 19:29

DP and I went to school nativity today and while we were waiting for it to start he opened his whatsapp and the third person down was a girls name (first name and surname snd whatapp photo) that I had never heard of. We've been together for 6 years and he has never mentioned anyone by this first name before. As soon as he opened it he quickly closed it again without going into any of the messages and it's been niggling at me ever since.

We both WFH ,everyone from his work is male, he plays sports twice a week with all males, he has a couple of female friends and there is never any jealously on either side so he would have no reason to hide something and he is an oversharer so if someone was texting him he would generally say but there is just something about this that is niggling me.

I don't really know what advice I am asking for by posting this thread but I just feel that something is off about it and wanted to get it off my chest. I have tried googling the name but nothing comes up and I am not 100% sure that I got the surname correct as he closed it so quickly.

OP posts:
allboysherebutme · 08/12/2022 22:30

I would not look through my husbands phone, unless I felt I needed to, as I would not want to be taken for a fool, I would look at his phone if I were you, as I'd feel I had reason. X

RosaBaby2 · 08/12/2022 22:33

I echo what everyone else said. Hope it's not what you think 😒

Idontdoyoga · 08/12/2022 22:33

Trust your gut.
Dont make knee jerk reactions.
Play the long game & gather what might be evidence.
Keep your powder fry & then, hit him with what you know but it might take weeks, so stay cool, calm & collected,
I hope it’s entirely innocent. Fingers crossed for you.,🤞

Thisisworsethananticpated · 08/12/2022 22:33

you just have to ask him

if it’s innocent he would protest and show you messages

as I would when it’s John the plumber or mark from sales , If my partner asked me

if it’s nothing he’ll show you

and if he makes up an excuse , won’t show or dismiss it
then you have an issue

crisscrosscringle · 08/12/2022 22:34

If it walks like a duck...

page1of4 · 08/12/2022 22:38

I could not be arsed with all the pussy footing around. I'd be coming straight out and asking to see the thread of messages and who she is. If it's deleted or he won't show you, the relationship has the writing in the wall as he's not going to be trustworthy. If he has nothing to hide, he'll be delighted to put your mind at rest. You saw the contact innocently, keep the upper hand and just ask 🤷🏼‍♀️ No point being with him if you can't resolve this openly

MerryMarigold · 08/12/2022 22:44

Is there any way you can check if he went to the sports thing. I just don't think 45 mins to an hour would give him much time to be doing anything, but he could be on the phone, talking I guess.

Pinkbonbon · 08/12/2022 22:48

I'd just say 'so I saw that jenny Smith name on your WhatsApp earlier. Who is she?'

You can (if not satisfied with his answer) follow up with 'because for some reason it is niggling at me, so if she really is no one of importance like you say, do you mind if I just quickly check the messages, just to put my mind at ease'.

If he says no or if you look and the messages are deleted then you know he is up to something.

Pinkbonbon · 08/12/2022 22:52

page1of4 · 08/12/2022 22:38

I could not be arsed with all the pussy footing around. I'd be coming straight out and asking to see the thread of messages and who she is. If it's deleted or he won't show you, the relationship has the writing in the wall as he's not going to be trustworthy. If he has nothing to hide, he'll be delighted to put your mind at rest. You saw the contact innocently, keep the upper hand and just ask 🤷🏼‍♀️ No point being with him if you can't resolve this openly

Exactly this. He's your partner, you should be able to just ask to look at his phone and he should be happy to.put your mind at ease.

Unless you have form for unfounded allegations and paranoia in the past.

Doesn't bode well if you feel he would not be forthcoming.

Sugargliderwombat · 08/12/2022 22:57

Just ask to see! If he won't show you then you know what it means.

user10821 · 08/12/2022 22:57

I would just go ahead and ask him. You've been together for 6 years, you should be able to discuss these things. If he's a good partner, then he'll hate the fact that this has been playing on your mind and he'll be glad to put your mind at ease.

Original poster
Vanillapodder · 08/12/2022 23:02

So he was late for a genuine reason. It was a league night and they book until 10pm when its a league game and it ran over, I didn't know this. Everything about his response was genuine so I totally believe him about that.

I had a few seconds with his phone I didn't unlock it but clicked the button that I could see the notifications and there wasn't anything there from her. I think I might keep doing that as if he catches me I could say that I was checking the time. He has fingerprint access but I think my fingerprint is on there too from when I used his phone previously so if I get longer alone I will have a look.

I'll post again if I ever get into it but thanks for everyone's advice.

OP posts:
Layersoftaytoes · 08/12/2022 23:22

Trust your gut ❤️

samqueens · 08/12/2022 23:27

Ask him, because even if he’s had time to prepare a response, there’s a very good chance he actually won’t have bothered and it’ll be clear he’s lying (for clarity - it’s clear he is lying if you think he is and what he says doesn’t make sense even in a level you don’t think is proveable).

However, there’s an even better chance he will go off at you and tell you you’re imagining things, he has a right to his privacy etc etc.

That response will tell you EVERYTHING you need to know and there’s zero need to spend weeks/months/years thereafter trying to get to the bottom of it all while quietly losing your mind.

The exact moment when you think: “what he is telling me doesn’t match up with what my gut is telling me” is the moment to IGNORE what he is telling you, and anything he tells you thereafter, and LISTEN TO YOUR GUT.

Crikeyalmighty · 08/12/2022 23:36

You aren't looking at houses or anything are you OP- as I had a thing like this where random attractive women were on Hs WhatsApp- and I suddenly realised they were estate agents from when we were doing viewings and they used WhatsApp to contact it send through house videos etc

Aussiegirl123456 · 08/12/2022 23:53

I keep getting a random number with a very attractive woman’s picture messaging me on WhatsApp to let me know she has an Amazon gift card for me! (Don’t even have Amazon where we live but okay!) - so could be innocent. Ask!

Needsfuntonight · 09/12/2022 01:24

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

SimoneSimone · 09/12/2022 06:20

It's a what's app contact only. Could be for any reason. You instantly become suspicious and don't trust your husband. If there were problems with this sort of thing in the past then understandable but if not let it go. Snooping on his phone is really disrespectful his privacy.

Lovageandrose · 09/12/2022 06:50

Why didn’t you just ask him who it was?

Goodgrief82 · 09/12/2022 06:55

Whatever the outcome of this scenario OP, this relationship is dead in the water OP

Outtasteamandluck · 09/12/2022 07:31

Lovageandrose · 09/12/2022 06:50

Why didn’t you just ask him who it was?

Because people lie.

Pinkbonbon · 09/12/2022 14:53

Sorry but...it's over already op.

If you have to snoop on his phone then the trust is gone and its not coming back.

In a healthy relationship you would be able to discuss your worries with him and he'd do all he could to put your mind at ease.

If it isn't that sort of relationship then it isn't a relationship worth having.

80s · 09/12/2022 15:07

I had just a first name, and googled the name and his place of work. There they were in a photo together with a caption, and I realised she was the woman he'd told me he'd hired, in a fit of mentionitus.
If I was having secret chats of a dodgy nature, though, I'd archive them so you wouldn't see the name in the list of recent chats.

Goodgrief82 · 09/12/2022 15:11

80s · 09/12/2022 15:07

I had just a first name, and googled the name and his place of work. There they were in a photo together with a caption, and I realised she was the woman he'd told me he'd hired, in a fit of mentionitus.
If I was having secret chats of a dodgy nature, though, I'd archive them so you wouldn't see the name in the list of recent chats.

Sorry I confused. So why were you suspicious enough to google?

Byfleet · 09/12/2022 15:27

Whatever the outcome of this scenario OP, this relationship is dead in the water OP

Oh don't be so silly.

I assume you think that any suspicious feelings are a sign that you should LTB. But they aren't. It is completely normal to sometimes be suspicious. And then for whatever reason it passes.

This kind of scenario isn't ideal. But who is a paragon of sensible, balanced behaviour all of their adult lives? I am 60 and have been happily married for 30 years. DH and I have had situations like this now and then and so has almost everyone I know in a long term relationship.

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