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Original poster

Fiancé blows hot and cold

26 replies

Erch13 · 08/12/2022 12:15

Me and my fiancé have been together for 6 years. We moved into our house in 2021 after 3 years of saving at my parents house, we where lucky to have lived there rent free whilst we saved.
We have 3 children (one from his previous relationship, one from mine and one son together who is 2) unfortunately due to my past relationship I had bad credit so I wasn’t able to go on the mortgage and am nearly at the end of paying my debts that haunt me from my younger years, but I still put my hard earnt savings into this house to build our future together.
he earns 32k a year
I earn 22k. We split the bills 50/50 despite the fact he earns more and I had more outgoings. We renovated the hole house when we moved in as it wasn’t liveable.
we are currently experiencing some problems in the house that need urgent work and it’s causing a lot of stress but he’s wanting more money from me towards them even though I haven’t got anything spare to give.
He gambles each week (am not sure the exact amount but he’s admitted in the past he has a problem ) and recently he’s just got an more expensive car knowing these things needed doing in the house.
he’s been blowing hot and cold for months one minute he loves me and where happy the next hes telling me he’s not happy, he doesn’t care and doesn’t love me anymore and that the relationship is forced and if I don’t pay anymore I’ve got to leave the house, I’ve tried to explain I already pay more than I can afford which he knows I don’t have money spare every month but he does and wastes it gambling and upgrading his car he simply didn’t need but he’s not compromising atal. I don’t know if it’s down to stress but I just think he’s being so unfair and asking for to much from me. It’s effecting me and my children can see I’m upset and unhappy. When it’s good we are really good but it takes something so small for him to flip and then ignore me for days on end he will just look straight through me and blank me when am trying to communicate. I’ve put a lot of money, time and work into this house, it’s my childrens home, but he’s making me feel so unwanted and pushed out and obviously it’s complicated because I’m not on the mortgage. I’m confused , sad , angry and feel deflated. Any advice or someone who’s been in the same position would be appreciated.

OP posts:
Theskyisfallingdown · 08/12/2022 12:18

It would be economically disastrous to legally shackle yourself to a gambler, who has told you he does not love you. Can you sell the house or get your money back? As a matter of urgency.

category12 · 08/12/2022 12:20

I think he is taking the piss.

Theskyisfallingdown · 08/12/2022 12:21

Are you on the deeds or anything? Did you do anything to protect your money?
Stonewalling is abuse, and it’s really bad for kids to be made to endure a toxic environment like that-I speak from experience.

Original poster
Erch13 · 08/12/2022 12:23

No I’m not on any of the deeds as I didn’t pass credit check.
Obviously I want things to work with us but I feel like theres no compromising with him at the minute I feel so lonely.

OP posts:
Original poster
Erch13 · 08/12/2022 12:25

He wasn’t always a gambler. He done football bets but lately it’s got worse but he puts it down to depression.

OP posts:
category12 · 08/12/2022 12:25

You really need to extricate yourself from this situation - you may end up losing out in the short term, but in the long run, not being tied to a gambler will be for the best. Not to mention not being stuck with a man who expects you to pay the same amount into a property in his name while earning far more than you.

CoffeeBeansGalore · 08/12/2022 12:26

Please tell us your contribution to the deposit was legally documented & protected? Are you on the deeds?

I would be reminding him that without you & your parents you would not have been able to save for & buy this house.

WhineWhineWINE · 08/12/2022 12:27

I would not marry him. The gambling would be a deal breaker for me, even if he wasn't financially abusive too.

ZekeZeke · 08/12/2022 12:28

Not being married in this circumstance is both good and bad.
Good-because he is a gambler so all his debts are his own.
Bad-the house is his, he can kick you out anytime he wants.
You need to get rid and move out and be financially independent of this tosser.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 08/12/2022 12:32

This gambling man is your fiance; your relationship bar is very low to have allowed him into your life at all. His gambling is not going to help any depressive issues he has and it will further exacerbate those.

This individual is within his rights to throw you out at any time he chooses to do so. Not putting your name on a mortgage application was also deliberately done on his part. You need to be rid of this man before he drags you and your kids further down with him.

alasangne · 08/12/2022 12:34

Work out how to leave. You should feel secure in your own home otherwise what's the point.

Grimchmas · 08/12/2022 12:35

So there's nothing protecting your money that's gone into this house at all?

Fucking hell mate. Why do women put themselves in terrible financial situations like this.

Get some proper financial and legal advice. Do not contribute more. Do not facilitate his gambling. Do not put yourself in a worse situation. Do not get married to him.

Be aware at all times of the sunk cost fallacy.

category12 · 08/12/2022 12:47

Open your eyes OP -
While you're trying to get out of debt and build a home,

  • he's spending money on himself - new car, gambling habit
  • he has sole legal rights to the property

You're being taken for an absolute mug.
You're the lower paid of the two and you're subsidising him!

Emmamoo89 · 08/12/2022 13:11

Get out while you can. You deserve so much better. X

Opentooffers · 08/12/2022 13:34

He's been freeloading off you by stealth. It really doesn't look like you've leant much from your previous financial mistakes and have made them again.
He's had 3 years of rent free living off your parents, handy for him that, because then he got to buy his own house outright, because you agreed to it (which was madness especially if you paid some of the deposit).
Then, to make matters worse for yourself, you put money into updating his house so that he can capitalise alone on its value. Then you pay half his mortgage for him even though you earn £10000 less a year.
All in all it looks like he saw you as a means to get the house he wanted and now he's got that, he doesn't need you anymore.
You've been very naive in this, I also wonder where your parents are at in this? They really should of advised you better and have done their own share of enabling him to take you for a ride.
Unfortunately, you don't have a natural claim to anything as it's all in his name.

The best you can do is stop paying him anything immediately and move back in with your parents before you lose anymore money. Every penny you give him is lost money for no return, so you need to stop that ASAP. From then on, you could start saving again and claim CM off him so you will probably be much better off.
In future, either move out from your parents when you can afford your own home or get your name on any shared mortgage. If you can't do that, then marriage before you have any more DC or move in with someone new. Learn from your mistakes, you've made some howlers here despite paying off previous debt.

OldFan · 08/12/2022 13:34

the next hes telling me he’s not happy, he doesn’t care and doesn’t love me anymore and that the relationship is forced and if I don’t pay anymore I’ve got to leave the house

These comments aren't ones you can live with OP. Maybe if someone said them once and then apologised, but not if they've done it repeatedly. You can't and shouldn't put up with that.

RandomMess · 08/12/2022 13:36

He has royally financially screwed you over.

Not another penny until you are in the deeds.

RandomMess · 08/12/2022 13:37

In fact he could have already racked up loans and credit against the house.

nancydroo · 08/12/2022 13:38

Never marry someone who has/had issues with gambling. You will be miserable. Fact

Theskyisfallingdown · 08/12/2022 13:45

Oh dear, this bloke could kick you out of his property at any time then. How come you chose such a disastrously vulnerable position?

SlouchingTowardsBethlehemAgain · 08/12/2022 14:17

Go back to your parents, collect any receipts you have for house purchases or renovation. Consult a Solicitor to see if anything can be salvaged. Have nothing more to do with this abuser.

Watchkeys · 08/12/2022 14:53

He's got the thumbscrews on you. Unless you like having the thumbscrews on you, leave.

I don't know what you should do about the money; it seems you've given him thousands of pounds, and you may not get it back. Staying won't make the house any more 'yours', though, or make you any more likely to get back what you've put in. It will just ensure that you give him more than you can afford for longer. It's better to leave, although the 'sunken costs' fallacy must really be biting your arse.

DoneAdulting · 08/12/2022 15:25

Are your parents aware that you do not own the house you saved up for while living with them?

Is your share of the deposit protected in any way?

The best thing for you and your children is to move back in with your parents and stop contributing a penny to his house.

DoneAdulting · 08/12/2022 15:27

Oh and just a PSA for every other woman who's 'D'P will be telling them they can't go on the mortgage because they have bad credit/no income: You can still go on the deeds and own the property.

billy1966 · 08/12/2022 16:57

category12 · 08/12/2022 12:25

You really need to extricate yourself from this situation - you may end up losing out in the short term, but in the long run, not being tied to a gambler will be for the best. Not to mention not being stuck with a man who expects you to pay the same amount into a property in his name while earning far more than you.

This.

Do your parents know he lived off them for three years, has taken the money you foolishly without you being on the deeds, that you pay half the costs, that he gambles and emotionally abuses you?

That house needs to be sold, you need to get your money back, before he attaches debt to the house.

You need to register an interest in that house. Get all the paperwork you have together to prove you have invested in that house.

Tell your parents the awful truth about him.

Stop being foolish and start protecting yourself and your children.

He is NOT a good man.

Gamblers leave families in the gutter.