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Original poster

Due Soon - MIL Booked Visit Without Checking

47 replies

Newbaby1234 · 07/12/2022 22:50

Bit of a rant and what would you do post.

At my wits end with DH and his inabilty to be honest and manage situations with his Mother. Rather than being honest, setting a clear boundary and expectations, he lies to her and in the process upsets me and doesn't respect how I feel or my wishes.

Due our second child soon, and a whole 4 day visit (including flights) have been booked for a week after I've given birth. This is after 3 previous visits this year where MIL has been absolutely horrible to us both, about our home, parenting, relationship, all the while whilst sitting watching TV from 10am until bedtime, and doesn't lift a finger to help with her grandchild. Snide comments about me not leaving DC1 with her, yes I won't leave him because you sit here not paying him any attention, sat in soiled nappies and not helping, why on earth would I leave him with you. I don't want this to be a MIL post, but our relationship nearly ended after her last visit with us, to the point i moved out, and he agreed she wouldnt be coming until I was ready.

With our first as well as this pregnancy, I have said throughout I don't want visitors in the first two weeks unless we feel up to it as and when we get there. My last birth was quite traumatic and it took me a long time to recover, I dont want to be putting on a brave face and handing my baby over.

Last time, the first couple of weeks I was sat in my massive postpartum pants, nightie looking like shite etc. Caught covid, had bad physical damage from birth, and I don't want people, especially those I'm not at all comfortable with, being here. We have a small house and I will end up confined to my bedroom.

He says he will manage the situation (hasn't with any previous visits and considering its booked now, hasn't this time either), but I know this won't be the case. When here, she never leaves our house, doesn't go for walks, doesn't anyone else, doesn't even play with DC1, just sits with absolute crap on the TV whilst on the phone.

There's a lot of history with MIL, emotional blackmail, all the other stuff you read on other MIL threqds, but I don't feel that's relevant and will side track from the point that he's not managed this again, yet another special occasion she has hijacked and he lives in fear of upsetting her, rather than respecting the wishes of the woman carrying his child. He doesn't even want the visit but he is too scared to set boundaries and manage the situation, and wants me to just compromise again!!!

OP posts:

KellyJonesLeatherTrousers · 07/12/2022 22:57

Have you said ‘no’ to your DH? You don’t want him to ‘manage’ the situation, you need him to tell MIL it’s not happening. She agreed to not visit until you’re ready. End of discussion. Over to him to sort it out.

Hadalifeonce · 07/12/2022 23:00

If he won't tell her not to come, insist he books an hotel for her.

WonderWoop · 07/12/2022 23:00

I think you should just tell her yourself. Probably only way you can manage the situation with confidence she's not coming.

Iwritethissittinginthekitchensink · 07/12/2022 23:04

Yes tell her yourself. ‘Oh it’s not convenient then, sorry there must have been some miscommunication. Hope you can get a refund on your tickets. Please check with me next time’.

Let DH pick up any fallout.

WallaceinAnderland · 07/12/2022 23:06

I don't know how women end up marrying men like this.

BonnesVacances · 07/12/2022 23:10

Hopefully you'll be overdue and will be able to hide at the hospital until she goes home.

stuntbubbles · 07/12/2022 23:12

Ugh, this is awful. Because even if you tell her “no” yourself it sounds like she would just come along anyway. It’s not like you can change the locks or go somewhere else. (Can you go somewhere else if she shows up? Take the baby and toddler and decamp to a friend’s until your DH steps up and boots her out? I think you need an emergency exit plan.)

Perpop · 07/12/2022 23:15

Absolutely do not let her come! You have control/a say in this - protect your postpartum mental health!

Natty13 · 07/12/2022 23:15

The fact is, he can either have an upset mother or an upset wife. He chooses to keep her happy because you make it too easy for him to do so (in his mind).

Your problems would be solved if you made it worse for him to choose to upset you over her. He needs to learn your love for him is conditional and the condition is treating you right. I had similar with my exH. ExMIL wasn't half as bad as yours he just was a terrible people pleaser. So I made his life absolute hell every time he decided to make me unhappy rather than tell her no and made sure he knew why. Didn't have to happen too many times before he learnt how to say no for mummy. Even now we are divorced he doesn't put her before me snd I hope if he remarries he has learnt his lesson.

Aquamarine1029 · 07/12/2022 23:21

Your husband is totally useless so you'll have to tell her yourself.

Cats23 · 07/12/2022 23:22

Tell her no he isnt staying at yours but can book a hotel and visit at agreed times by you.
Your Dh is a twat.
If she still comes and Dh ignores your wishes, Pack your things and stay at a hotel/family with the DC.
Sounds like you need to put your foot down this time because you have alowed Mil and Dh to walk all over you before.

whatstheteamarie · 07/12/2022 23:23

Pass him the phone, get him to call his mum in front of you and tell her she's not coming.

He's promised to "manage it" so get him to prove it. Dial her number and pass him the phone if that's what it takes, no excuses, no putting it off, just get it done.

It sounds hard, but you both know it'll actually be a lot worse if she actually comes, so don't put off him telling her any longer.

DifficultBloodyWoman · 07/12/2022 23:23

Natty13 · 07/12/2022 23:15

The fact is, he can either have an upset mother or an upset wife. He chooses to keep her happy because you make it too easy for him to do so (in his mind).

This.

Lose your shit.

Seriously, lose your shit over this. Throw a tantrum. Get him to realize that you are serious and not willing accept this.

Tinkerbyebye · 07/12/2022 23:25

Do you have family nearby? Could you go and stay there? He can stay with his mother and hopefully your family will gatekeep

Otherwise he takes time off, and supervises her and you do nothing. If she kicks off with comments she is moved to a hotel

determinedtomakethiswork · 07/12/2022 23:28

I just couldn't go through with that. I'd have to call her and tell her to cancel and tell her as well that it's because of the way she behaved last time. She sounds appalling.

UWhatNow · 07/12/2022 23:35

Why does she even want to come if she’s not interested in your DC, just watches tv and moans about everything?

Gemstar2 · 07/12/2022 23:45

I feel rage on your behalf, OP! I think the fortnight post birth is the one time you get to call the shots on who visits, regardless of anyone else’s feelings.

I think this would be the ideal time to get out your very calm, very firm “I’m really not messing around” voice. Use lots of “I” sentences to frame it in a way that takes out the blame but be explicit in the action you expect to be taken. Eg “I know I will really struggle if other people are staying in our home at that time. Please call your mum and tell her she can’t come then.” And if he hesitates escalate from there: “I feel undervalued and like my needs are secondary. I feel this is a time when my needs really should be respected. Please cancel her visit. If you don’t, I’ll have no choice but to make alternative arrangements for where I take the baby for the first two weeks post-birth as I know I won’t cope with that.” If that doesn’t do it I think that would verge into ultimatum territory for me.

StrawberryPot · 07/12/2022 23:47

Don't suggest a hotel. She'll just turn up on a morning and stay till bedtime.

It's your home. Nobody should get to visit unless you both want them to. People normally say - quite rightly - that a dh should deal with his own mum. However, I think for the avoidance of any doubt/further miscommunication on this occasion you should speak to her. Be VERY firm and clear that you are NOT open to any visitors at that time - including your own family. You're trying to keep everything low key immediately after the birth, so you are very sorry but she will have to rearrange her visit. If she says she won't be able to get a refund on tickets, repeat you are very sorry if that's the case, but she might like to check with both of you in future to avoid this happening again. Maybe finish by saying you'll look forward to her meeting her new grandchild after the Christmas holidays.

SuperCamp · 07/12/2022 23:48

“DH: I am 100% serious, I will not have he in the house when I am recovering and adjusting after giving birth to my baby. You know how upsetting the last visit was. The post natal period is when we bond and get to know our new baby as a happy little family. Either you put your night off, or at 3pm tomorrow I will e mail her and tell her she is not welcome in this house until we explicitly invite her at a date of our choosing some time after the birth. It will be a very forthright message. I simply will not have her staying until I am ready. And if you then go behind my back and undermine me and I have to take the baby to a hotel to escape I will do that. And I will not see her, or you, or live with you again. Your choice how you handle it”.

StrawberryPot · 07/12/2022 23:49

Do you have family nearby? Could you go and stay there? He can stay with his mother and hopefully your family will gatekeep

Why, just why should the op move out of her own home when she's just had a baby?

Mulhollandmagoo · 07/12/2022 23:52

It's more difficult for him to upset his mum than it is to upset you, so you need to find your anger! Make him uncomfortable and he will have to deal with it.

If she does come, it's your house and your TV, don't let her have control over it, she watches what you watch. You don't have to hand your baby over to her 'sorry MIL, I'm enjoying all the cuddles right now, infact a cuppa would be nice - can you make me one? Thank God you came to help up out, eh'

If your husband won't put boundaries in place then you need to, he sounds rubbish!

Daffodilsandtuplips · 07/12/2022 23:54

Her son needs to tell her it’s not happening. She either cancels her flights or she books into a hotel. Make it difficult for both of them and then they’ll think twice next time. Don’t move out of your home. If she does come over insist she books a hotel, she doesn’t visit until after 12 noon and she leaves before toddlers bedtime.

ClaryFairchild · 08/12/2022 01:00

Either the visit gets cancelled or you move out.

Honestly the pair of them are being awful to you.

My ExH asked his mum to come help us when out first was due. She quite rightfully said "Not up to you who is there. It is up to Clary. Ask her to let me know if SHE wants me there."

(For all her faults, she was amazing for this!)

toomuchlaundry · 08/12/2022 01:30

Instead of you moving out DH needs to move out and stay in a hotel with his mum if he hasn’t the backbone to tell her she can’t come

deeperthanallroses · 08/12/2022 01:34

I think I’d say he has to move out now, since I will have to move out if his mum comes, so he needs to experience a small fraction of that inconvenience until he’s cancelled her coming. I agree with pass him the phone during this conversation, say cancel her or pack your bags.

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