Due Soon - MIL Booked Visit Without Checking

[Newbaby1234]

Bit of a rant and what would you do post.

At my wits end with DH and his inabilty to be honest and manage situations with his Mother. Rather than being honest, setting a clear boundary and expectations, he lies to her and in the process upsets me and doesn't respect how I feel or my wishes.

Due our second child soon, and a whole 4 day visit (including flights) have been booked for a week after I've given birth. This is after 3 previous visits this year where MIL has been absolutely horrible to us both, about our home, parenting, relationship, all the while whilst sitting watching TV from 10am until bedtime, and doesn't lift a finger to help with her grandchild. Snide comments about me not leaving DC1 with her, yes I won't leave him because you sit here not paying him any attention, sat in soiled nappies and not helping, why on earth would I leave him with you. I don't want this to be a MIL post, but our relationship nearly ended after her last visit with us, to the point i moved out, and he agreed she wouldnt be coming until I was ready.

With our first as well as this pregnancy, I have said throughout I don't want visitors in the first two weeks unless we feel up to it as and when we get there. My last birth was quite traumatic and it took me a long time to recover, I dont want to be putting on a brave face and handing my baby over.

Last time, the first couple of weeks I was sat in my massive postpartum pants, nightie looking like shite etc. Caught covid, had bad physical damage from birth, and I don't want people, especially those I'm not at all comfortable with, being here. We have a small house and I will end up confined to my bedroom.

He says he will manage the situation (hasn't with any previous visits and considering its booked now, hasn't this time either), but I know this won't be the case. When here, she never leaves our house, doesn't go for walks, doesn't anyone else, doesn't even play with DC1, just sits with absolute crap on the TV whilst on the phone.

There's a lot of history with MIL, emotional blackmail, all the other stuff you read on other MIL threqds, but I don't feel that's relevant and will side track from the point that he's not managed this again, yet another special occasion she has hijacked and he lives in fear of upsetting her, rather than respecting the wishes of the woman carrying his child. He doesn't even want the visit but he is too scared to set boundaries and manage the situation, and wants me to just compromise again!!!

I think I’d just tell her it’s not convenient and you won’t be able to have her in your home and she won’t be able to stay with you As you aren’t having visitors for the first two weeks. Then just blank her.

Tell DH he and his mother will be staying elsewhere if she lands on your doorstep.

If she falls out with you all - even better as then she won’t bother with you at all. She sounds like an utter witch.

I’d also tell DH he needs to get some help in establishing boundaries and working on his self esteem so that he can step up and protect his family unit and deal with his mother.

Your husband is a wimp. I think you should take charge of the situation and stop her coming to stay with you so soon after your baby is born. She has had a baby and should understand, I don't 'get' why she doesn't. Some people are just thick skinned.

Put your foot down!

Thanks for the responses and sorry for a late reply, haven't ghosted the thread!
I have honestly tried to put my foot down, told him, we've argued, I don't know what else I can do. He's absolutely terrified of upsetting her, he really does need some counselling to be honest.
The understanding part of me knows she wants to see her new grandchild, and I would never want her to think she is being pushed out despite the fact she is rude and bullying, but I don't think I am being unreasonable and it takes the piss how the situation has been engineered.
I will speak to him again this evening and say in no terms are we having visitors at the end of December. Also with all the RSV and winter bugs going round, I really dont know why its hard for her to understand the situation.
With regards to the question about why does she want to come if she doesn't do anything, I have asked my DH that the last 2 visits, to which he also doesn't have an answer. It really is odd, maybe deluded as to how much she is doing? But honestly she doesn't do anything and completely ignores DC1 it's heartbreaking as he tries to get her to play, like he does with my family and DH other family members. Like me, DC gets stressed being cooped up in the house with the TV blaring all day!!

She must have been a very abusive mother for him to be so scared of upsetting her. In the short term, I think you should tell her she is not coming until you are ready to see her, and get your husband to be your back up (not ideal, but it will get you through the next few weeks). But in the long term, he does need counselling to get the bottom of all this. Adult children of abusive parents can find it impossible to stand up for themselves until, with a lot of help, they realise it doesn't actually matter if their mother/father approves of them or not. Your husband is nowhere near this point in his relationship with his mother, but he can get there with help.

Perhaps you need to issue the ultimatum that if she comes both her and him will be staying else where or perhaps you can decamp to your family?

You do have a massive DH problem.

Buy him the book "toxic parents" for Christmas?

It sounds like she comes over, not to see the kids, especially as she doesn't even bother with them. But to cause drama between you and your husband. She sounds very toxic and I really think you need to cut all contact. But obv that's your choice what you do in that situation. But for this particular visit, and any others really, do not allow her to stay at you house at all. If she can't change her flights, she has to stay in a hotel. She can say oh you never told me this, but you can say she never told you she was coming and you wouldn't have agreed to it being so early anyway. Whatever you decide or manage to do, don't let her stay at your house.

She needs to be told she's staying in a hotel, and can't just turn up on your doorstep.

My first suggestion is to "break" the TV and change the wifi password. Tell her before she leaves home. At worst she'll have to play with DC1 and at best she'll leave within 24h.

Tell dh - and mean it - it really is you or her...
Not sure how you conceived at all with dh's cord still attached...

i moved out, and he agreed she wouldnt be coming until I was ready.

Remind him of this. Plus that added to it you will be post-partum. This is what divorces are made of.

You have to set the boundary. She doesn't set foot in your house at this point.

Okay, well you know your DH is the major issue here but in the short term it sounds like you will need to step in to resolve it. One quick text to MIL “Hi MIL, DH has told me you are planning on visiting on X date to see us and hopefully new baby as well. Unfortunately, the dates you wish to visit fall a little too close to my due date and so we will need to rearrange for a time when I have fully recovered and able to host properly. I hope you understand and we can look to arrange a visit once baby is actually here”. Hold firm if she tries to persuade you otherwise and tell your DH if he doesn’t back you up with this, you will divorce him (and mean it)

I really feel your frustration, @Newbaby1234

It sounds like you've been assertive and clear, and also forgiving and tolerant.

How unfair that you're in the same scenario again.

I like the broken telly idea.
And I think some pps are right.... you may have to tell her yourself that she can't stay in your house.
Can you afford to pay for a hotel for her? Or do you have any family close enough who might put her up for you?

Good text @Nosleepforthismum

Op, it's not ideal but why don't you just tell your MIL yourself that she will not be coming/staying with you? I totally get where you are coming from, your DH should have done this and totally back you in whatever measures you need to take to deal with your DH in this scenario...but I would absolutely in no uncertain terms make it clear to MIL that your DH didn't run it by you, sorry to disrupt your plans, but there will be no coming in that time frame and she will need to defer her flights for a visit down the road when you are ready for it.

My ex MIL didn't live close to us either - was always bothering us to come visit her (there's a bunch of backstory between her and I too) and my DH would never say no and she would always badger him. So emailed her and told we would not be coming. End of discussion. Stop asking. I'm sure she hated me. I didn't care.

Sometimes you just have to do it yourself. If she turns up anyway, don't let her in and if your DH won't back you I'd give serious consideration to making him leave. This is no small matter IMO. You just had a baby, your DH should be bending over backwards to minimize your stress and be helping you heal and acclimatizing your family life/routine with a new addition to the family. Not fighting with you over his ridiculous mother or allowing her to come in and ruin your peace.

I agree with previous poster about the TV, but don't "break" it, unplug it and take it to your room to watch while you recover in bed. Also change the WiFi password.

Install your husband in the spare bedroom, so she has to sleep on the sofa and only have food in that she doesn't like. (Keep a stash of nice things for yourself though 😉)

Obviously better if you can get her to reschedule, but if you can't make sure she isn't comfortable so she is isn't quick to come back again.

You need to pre plan and write a script for him to say to his Mum, then watch him phone her up and give her the speech.

'I'm sorry Mum, I wish you had checked with us first before booking flights, we just aren't comfortable having anyone to stay so soon after the birth. There's Jo guarantee baby will arrive on time either, so it could be less than a week after birth. You know she had a traumatic time with DC1 and we really just need time as a family to recover and bond with baby. We'll arrange something in the new year. Talk to you soon. '

Make it crystal clear to DH.
Do. Not. Take. No. For. An. Answer.

You say your DC get frustrated sitting in watching TV all day when she visits. Why do you have to stay in? Arrange some things whilst she's here if she doesn't want to come that's on her. Unfortunately you can't change her but you can change the way you respond to her. As others have said contact her yourself and say no to the visit. If your OH gets arsey remind him that this is his fault!

Wow she sounds like a bitch! Be glad she lives 4 hours away! How's she gonna afford braces if she can't afford ot be bother to get a card for a couple of pound

This. And if he won’t do it, ring her and say the script yourself.

Yes - he rings her and says no; if he says he won’t you do it. Make it clear to him that you will be firm and if she pushes back you will be even firmer.
Hr needs to know that his life will be easier if he says no to her because you will say no far more loudly.

our relationship nearly ended after her last visit with us, to the point i moved out, and he agreed she wouldnt be coming until I was ready.

Your husband is a wet blanket, his disregard of your postpartum wishes is appalling, & I think you should simply move out again the day before MiL arrives.

Obviously that will be a pain in the arse for you to arrange, but less so than tolerating your MiL abusing you in your own home. Do you have friends or family who will put you up - or can you afford a cheap hotel?

She shouldn't have to, but the alternative is tolerating her unwelcome MiL.
Post-partum, she's hardly going to be physically capable of picking her up & slinging her out the front door, & her husband will just go along with whatever his mother wants.