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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

abuse advice

47 replies

bertie11 · 07/12/2022 21:15

i just wanted someone else’s opinion on wether my boyfriend is showing abusive signs or if i’m being dramatic, he’s so loving and caring but can be quite strict with me at times, last night we were laying in bed after having a bit of an argument, i was facing away from him, he shoved me (not overly hard) and said turn around so i did then he pulled my waist firmly so i was close to him, it didn’t hurt but made me feel a little scared and i don’t know why or if i am being silly. there’s been other times when i had walked away from him he followed my upstairs, i was laying down upset and he grabbed my jaw and said that was very childish. again just made me feel uncomfortable… he also bit my neck which left a bruise once when he was in a bad mood, i cried and he did the same thing grabbed my jaw and made me look at him to see if i was crying, but if i ever say anything he says he didn’t do it angrily. when i asked him about what happened last night he said i don’t remember it like that and said i’m playing the victim

OP posts:
Lkydfju · 07/12/2022 21:18

Im sorry this is happening; it’s definitely abusive behaviour and I think you know this and your gut instinct is telling you it isn’t right. This is similar to how my abusive ex started and it doesn’t go anywhere good

Bananalanacake · 07/12/2022 21:20

Do you live together, who owns the property, can you move out. He wants to scare you or control you.

Original poster
bertie11 · 07/12/2022 21:36

thanks for your reply, he was married before me and never physically hurt her or has never hurt a women but i guess that doesn’t make it okay

OP posts:
Whowhatwherewhenwhynow · 07/12/2022 21:39

Yep he’s absolutely abusive.
he sounds awful.
how can you know he hasn’t ever been abusive before. I guess even if that were true does it matter? Since he is being abusive to you anyway.

none of his behaviour is normal or ok.

Original poster
bertie11 · 07/12/2022 21:41

i suppose i don’t know for sure, feel like i’m going crazy and just making a big deal out of little things

OP posts:
Wolfiefan · 07/12/2022 21:44

He says he’s never hurt anyone. He will tell the next one the same.
Partners aren’t teachers. They have no reason to be strict.
They don’t bite you or grab you.
His behaviour is unacceptable.

Original poster
bertie11 · 07/12/2022 21:51

i’ve never had someone treat me as well as he does when he’s happy, he helps me so much and will do anything for me so i feel stuck on what to do

OP posts:
Wolfiefan · 07/12/2022 21:53

Someone who really loved you and was worthy of you would treat you well all the time. Not just when you were doing as you were told or behaving how they wanted. Abusers don’t abuse 24/7. It’s part of how they control. If he was abusive all the time you’d be less likely to stay. As he “can” be pleasant it’s harder to walk away from. It’s deliberate.

allboysherebutme · 07/12/2022 21:58

If someone is scaring you get out, I made the mistake of not taking it to seriously and it got very much worse. X

ThatshallotBaby · 07/12/2022 22:00

You are not going crazy. It’s just that he’s so sweet and then scary, and that’s makes it hard for you to understand what’s going on.
He is abusive and you deserve better.

Whowhatwherewhenwhynow · 07/12/2022 22:02

bertie11 · 07/12/2022 21:51

i’ve never had someone treat me as well as he does when he’s happy, he helps me so much and will do anything for me so i feel stuck on what to do

None of that really matters If he’s being mean to you at other times.

you can’t make up for being abusive by being kind at other times. If anything it’s worse because it’s trying to make you feel happy for the good times.

OldFan · 07/12/2022 22:28

he also bit my neck which left a bruise once when he was in a bad mood,

This is violence- physical abuse.

i cried and he did the same thing grabbed my jaw and made me look at him to see if i was crying, but if i ever say anything he says he didn’t do it angrily. when i asked him about what happened last night he said i don’t remember it like that and said i’m playing the victim

This is gaslighting- pretending what happened didn't happen and trying to confuse you.

Please separate from him. The 'nice guy' phases are just part of the Cycle of Abuse and to keep you involved.

Pinkbonbon · 07/12/2022 23:08

Holy shit that's horrible abusive.

See that

Pinkbonbon · 07/12/2022 23:09

Sorry, posted too soon.

See that fear feeling - listen to it! Thats your body telling you he is really dangerous.

Get away from him.
Your head fog will clear in time, once he is gone.

Idontdoyoga · 07/12/2022 23:14

If I was your mother/sister/confidante I’d be telling you to work your way out of this relationship. No need for a big scene or drama, just start detaching.
The fact you are asking us means your gut is telling you something. Never ignore your gut.

Ivalueloyaltyaboveallelse · 07/12/2022 23:21

Grabbing your jaw/face or neck is a huge warning sign. Please be careful, seek professional advice on how to leave this abusive relationship safely. He is testing his control over you and attempting to make you doubt/blame yourself. He is wearing you down to make you lose all your confidence so he can isolate and have complete control. The biting incident is absolutely awful, tbh it all is. Stay strong and again please seek advice asap.

LadyOfTheFliessssss · 07/12/2022 23:27

People like that love doing things for people. It reinforces the dynamic that you're useless without them and it also gives them plenty in their arsenal to throw in your face later because you're not grateful enough for all they've done for you.

youhavenoshameonyourface · 07/12/2022 23:33

Abuse isn't just violence, it's the threat of violence. Since he bit you, shoved you, grabbed your face - you will now always fear he will do it again. That right there, how you feel, that slight nervousness, that's the effect of abuse.

DramaAlpaca · 07/12/2022 23:36

You are most definitely being abused. He's a dangerous man and his behaviour will only get worse. For your own safety you need to get out.

Original poster
bertie11 · 08/12/2022 08:18

even if he doesn’t hold my jaw hard? he just kind of holds it and turns my head so i look at him, is that still wrong?

OP posts:
Jellycatspyjamas · 08/12/2022 08:24

It’s physically controlling your body, and yes it’s wrong.

Abd you says he’s never hurt a woman? He has, he’s hurt you, that’s enough.

Fraaahnces · 08/12/2022 08:26

Yes it’s abusive.

Zanatdy · 08/12/2022 08:27

This is classic abuse. Makes you think you’re imagining it, when you’re really not. They generally are nice at other times too, which again makes you doubt it.

dizzydizzydizzy · 08/12/2022 08:30

Yes. This is abuse. I have just been in a Women's Aid course on domestic abuse.

I would contact them or your GP for advice .

ContemplatingPollocks · 08/12/2022 08:32

Yes, holding your head is wrong. It’s massively controlling. And he bit you. His behaviour is abusive. Do get out of this relationship, it won’t get any better and it may get a lot lot worse. At my great age I have sussed that if you’re googling for answers then you’ve landed a wrong ‘un. Good luck to you, I hope you find the strength to leave.

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