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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

abuse advice

47 replies

bertie11 · 07/12/2022 21:15

i just wanted someone else’s opinion on wether my boyfriend is showing abusive signs or if i’m being dramatic, he’s so loving and caring but can be quite strict with me at times, last night we were laying in bed after having a bit of an argument, i was facing away from him, he shoved me (not overly hard) and said turn around so i did then he pulled my waist firmly so i was close to him, it didn’t hurt but made me feel a little scared and i don’t know why or if i am being silly. there’s been other times when i had walked away from him he followed my upstairs, i was laying down upset and he grabbed my jaw and said that was very childish. again just made me feel uncomfortable… he also bit my neck which left a bruise once when he was in a bad mood, i cried and he did the same thing grabbed my jaw and made me look at him to see if i was crying, but if i ever say anything he says he didn’t do it angrily. when i asked him about what happened last night he said i don’t remember it like that and said i’m playing the victim

OP posts:

Original poster

bertie11 · 08/12/2022 08:47

also we were play fighting a little bit which we’ve always done and it’s always just been silly but last time he punched my arm the hardest he ever has, i’ve attached a picture, could this be a genuine accident or do you think he knew how hard he did it

OP posts:

youhavenoshameonyourface · 08/12/2022 08:59

My ex 'playfully' bit me hard on the leg when I was relaxing in the park, he 'playfully' threw a tennis ball at me with full force which hit me in the ribs, he 'playfully' would hover his hand in the air above main bed a and would bring it down hard to slap me. He did all of these things smiling and teasing. I know know he was testing my boundaries to see how much I would tolerate. I left him before it escalated. I loved him so much. He too was loving and caring and would drop anything to help me. Once I realized that he was doing things to me that I wouldnt dream of doing to him (I was a small woman and he was a large 6.2 man) I had to admit to myself he was testing the boundaries for future abuse. It's sad but you need to save yourself before it escalates.

BaddogGooddoggy · 08/12/2022 09:39

bertie11 · 07/12/2022 21:51

i’ve never had someone treat me as well as he does when he’s happy, he helps me so much and will do anything for me so i feel stuck on what to do

Do you really need his help or for him to do things for you?

Arguing and being upset are the first signs of a bad relationship. Becoming dependent on a man doing things for you is a sign of it becoming unbalanced. Play fighting is a sign of power struggles. Being strict is power having been won. Head-holding and biting is more obvious abuse.

Well done for waking up to it OP. Now get your coat and go.

Autumntimeagain · 08/12/2022 09:53

He's supposed to be your equal, not a bloody 'boss' or 'parent' who thinks it's fine to tell you what to do, think or say !

Him shoving you, biting you and forcing you to 'look at him' are 100% abuse !

Your body already knows he's dangerous, you just need your brain to stop making 'excuses' for his abusive behaviour !

He's a hideously nasty man, who thinks he has the 'right' to do whatever he wants to you !

Abuse usually starts with 'play fighting', 'being worried' about you, calling you 'crazy' when your 'opinion' on what's happened is different from what he 'says' actually 'happened' etc but it swiftly moves forwards to 'accidentally' hitting/punching you much harder, calling you 'too sensitive' and pushing/shoving/grabbing you physically to show you that you are at their mercy, so you'd better be 'nice' at all times if you want to avoid physical abuse.

Your 'partner' has already reached the stage where he's punching/shoving/biting you ffs ! And the grabbing your chin to force you to look at him is a very, very clear warning to you.

Leave him today, just get the hell out of there, because you are NOT safe, at all !

Lkydfju · 08/12/2022 11:31

How do you know he’s never hurt anyone else? Because he told you? My abusive ex used to say that but when I think back to some of the stories of how relationships ended I wonder if that’s not true; they will never admit they did it in the past. My ex used to tell me all the time about how well he treated me but looking at it now he was either doing it to say sorry or to look good
What you say about him making you look at him is certainly abuse. Do you have someone you can talk to who can help you?

piedbeauty · 08/12/2022 11:47

My husband has never put a bruise on me in 25 years. This man's behaviour is not normal; it's abusive. Sounds like he's testing the water, seeing what he can get away with, what you will put up with, before he escalates.

Please get out.

piedbeauty · 08/12/2022 11:49

Your afraid of him, wary. That's not how a loving relationship looks.

knittingaddict · 08/12/2022 12:00

bertie11 · 08/12/2022 08:18

even if he doesn’t hold my jaw hard? he just kind of holds it and turns my head so i look at him, is that still wrong?

Yes it's wrong and physically abusive. So is laying on top of someone to prevent them moving (it doesn't have to hurt) and preventing someone leaving a room by barring the way.

knittingaddict · 08/12/2022 12:04

You do not bruise someone accidentally by punching them. He knows how hard to hit and knows it will hurt.

Also abusive men aren't abusive 100% of the time or no one would stay with them. There will be a pattern of Jekyll and Hyde behaviour and it's very confusing for the person being abused. You do need to leave.

Freddiefan · 08/12/2022 12:09

You say that 'he can be quite strict'. That is not an equal relationship.

This is the first time that I have commented on this type of thread but imo you should get away from him.

I have been married for almost 29 years and my husband has never hurt me and when I was ill a few years ago, he looked after me very kindly.

Do you have a close relative or friend that you could confide in?

Original poster

bertie11 · 08/12/2022 12:22

thanks so much everyone i’ll have a good think about what to do xx

OP posts:

gaf · 08/12/2022 12:23

This is so sad and so awful. You are minimising his behaviour.

He only held your jaw a bit, you were only fighting a little bit, questioning it being an accident. Everything is ok as long as he’s happy. Read all that back to yourself and see how wrong it all sounds.

I bet you’re already treading on
eggdhells making sure he’s happy so he doesn’t hurt you. Do you hurt people when you’re miserable? No. He’s already telling you it’s your fault. Of course he doesn’t do it all the time because you’d leave him right? No he’s still nice sometimes. It’s the abuse cycle. This is how it goes.

One day he’ll punch you. What if one day he kills you? Don’t wait to find out. You need to get out before this escalated further.

This is not love, it’s not a healthy relationship. This is violence. it’s a threat for you to behave.

Please whatever the fuck you do, do not bring children in to this.

knittingaddict · 08/12/2022 13:19

While I'm here I will add that no woman should ever have to say that their partner is "strict" with them. That strongly suggests a power inbalance that shouldn't be present. Parents are strict, teachers are strict, not partners. You are an equal, not subservient to him. He is already treating you like a disobediant child who needs disciplining. That is not ok.

Pinkbonbon · 08/12/2022 13:50

Put it this way op, even if you don't want to see it as abuse - this man is still leaving bruises on you, making you feel scared, 'strict' on you (like a bloody parent ffs xD) and making you question your own sanity and your right to your own feelings (which are perfectly valid feelings btw) Does that sound like a relationship anyone should be in?

Partners are supposed to make our lives nicer, not worse! If anyone adds fear, discomfort, confusion or dissatisfaction to pur lives, it's time to go!

It's OK to be single y'know xD Preferable to daring a total psychopath like him. Also preferable to dating anyone that is mean.

Pinkbonbon · 08/12/2022 13:57

Also, he hits you hard during 'play' so that he can claim it was an accident or that you are 'too sensitive' when you tell him it hurt.
It's a way of slowly building up to more violence.
He's already bit you too! Terrifying.

Be aware that if you are going to break up, it would be best done over the phone.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 08/12/2022 14:13

Did you see a similar sort of relationship when you were growing up?

How can you be helped into leaving your abuser?.

youhavenoshameonyourface · 08/12/2022 14:13

Just ask yourself this @bertie11 :

Can you imagine biting him on the neck so hard that it bruised?

Can you imagine grabbing his face to turn it to you to see if he was crying after you'd shoved him?

How would you feel if you'd done these things?

SlouchingTowardsBethlehemAgain · 08/12/2022 14:37

This abusive arse is gradually pushing your boundaries, so that you will accept more and more abuse, that grabbing your jaw might escalate to grabbing your throat. The playful punch in the arm that caused a bruise might become a punch in the face. As to the bite, I have no words. What the fuck kind of person bites their partner? Get your coat on and get out now.

LadyOfTheFliessssss · 08/12/2022 18:00

It may well not be so easy for OP to leave immediately. It's not helpful for people experiencing abuse to be ordered to leave by strangers.

I wish MN would educate people that it can take time and several attempts to leave an abusive relationship.

I do think you should leave, OP. But please don't feel hopeless if you feel you can't do it immediately. If all you can do for now is let the seed grow that you deserve better, that's a step in the right direction.

We're here for you.

L0bstersLass · 31/05/2023 16:13

@bertie11 - is this the same bloke that's now being nasty to your son?
You need him our of your life ASAP.
And you know that.

SchoolShenanigans · 31/05/2023 16:25

That's definitely abusive.

Did you grow up around abuse? It sounds like you don't trust your own feelings and that perhaps you've seen abusive relationships and therefore feel his behaviour is ok to you.

If you accept this, you're giving him to green light to treat you poorly. You need to end the relationship, it won't get better and will likely get worse. It's never ok to shove someone or hold their jaw. It's also not ok to scare someone which it sounds like he does to you quite a bit.

Watchkeys · 31/05/2023 19:41

bertie11 · 07/12/2022 21:41

i suppose i don’t know for sure, feel like i’m going crazy and just making a big deal out of little things

OK, well, there's a big boundaries lesson right there for you: if someone makes you feel like you're going crazy, you stay away from them.

Do you feel crazy around other people? Family? Friends? Are there any other situations/relationships in your life that make you feel that way, or have there ever been?

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