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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is there any hope for a man with this type communication style ..

26 replies

notmyscene · 07/12/2022 11:54

To get to the point and not waste your time, when we disagree he gets angry and defensive, barges off, ignores me , gives me silent treatment.I chase ,we make up and it's all brushed under the carpet until the next time.The intervals get shorter and shorter.He gets particularly mad if he is in the wrong and has been confronted. Lately he has turned things round so it feels like I'm in the wrong, even when I absolutely have not.I feel that I can't address any issue with him without this pattern and this is the crux of the issue.It's become a pattern but only kicked in after 18 months together. He is also very attentive, punctual,spends all his spare time with me,kind and affectionate.He is 48.

OP posts:
catinboots123 · 07/12/2022 11:55

He sounds awful. Just get rid OP. Nobody deserves that shit.

REP22 · 07/12/2022 11:57

No. He sounds intolerant, rude and it's getting worse. The intervals will continue to decrease until there are no intervals at all. I'm sorry. I hope you can find someone who is nice to you. x

FoofOfTheWalkingDead · 07/12/2022 12:00

The silent treatment is a form of abuse. He then gaslights you into thinking it's your fault. It will never get better. He will grind you down until your self-esteem is in tatters and you think you're going crazy.

You are getting my very first LTB.

Ostryga · 07/12/2022 12:01

Noooo run immediately! I was with someone like this and it nearly broke me. Get out now while you can and don’t look back.

GinIronic · 07/12/2022 12:04

No.

gannett · 07/12/2022 12:07

This doesn't sound very "kind and affectionate" at all. He's not going to change and you don't want this in your life.

frozendaisy · 07/12/2022 12:21

Fuck this for a game of sausages.
If you are in the right just don't back down.

Let the silent treatment go on forever if need be.

As soon as he barges off, or whatever, just get on with your other bits of your life.

I don't understand pandering to this sort of nonsense.

If you didn't rise to the bait he wouldn't do it. In no way saying any of his behaviour is your fault he is a grown man. You can only choose to alter your behaviour. Up to you.

Crunchingleaf · 07/12/2022 12:35

It doesn’t get better only worse from here.

Aikko · 07/12/2022 12:40

Sounds like a spoilt child. Get out now whilst you still have your self-esteem intact.

80s · 07/12/2022 12:47

One thing that might help is if one day, women leave before the "chase" part, so his tactic no longer works. Probably a bit late for this to help him, at his age, but it will definitely help the women.

CaptainMyCaptain · 07/12/2022 12:49

No hope for him. It won't get any better.

Thelnebriati · 07/12/2022 12:49

when we disagree he gets angry and defensive, barges off, ignores me , gives me silent treatment
it's all brushed under the carpet until the next time. The intervals get shorter and shorter. He gets particularly mad if he is in the wrong and has been confronted
These are not communication styles; they are red flags. Indicators that he feels entitled to not communicate, but have you capitulate to him every time, never question him.

He is also very attentive, punctual, spends all his spare time with me, kind and affectionate.
Coupled with the other behaviours this could also be a red flag; a performance of niceness. It could be a demonstration that 'this is how I can be when you are behaving yourself'.

BertieBotts · 07/12/2022 12:50

That's not a communication style, it's abuse. No, it doesn't get better unfortunately.

Toomanysleepycats · 07/12/2022 12:51

I agree with others that it grinds you down. You start off thinking, ‘I’m a strong, independent woman, I can stick up for myself’, then years later you find yourself paying a therapist and asking them if you’re the crazy one?

They keep at it until you have no confidence and zero self esteem. In the end you walk on eggshells and say nothing just to keep the peace. You are a shell of the person you once were and are too scared to confront them over anything.

The other posters saying the same as me, probably, like me, have experienced it first hand and we know this is how it starts.

Whatever happens he must change his behaviour if he wants you to stay. My therapist says it’s emotional abuse and many people say don’t do relationship counselling with an abuser. May be he should seek solo therapy.

My therapist has pointed out that my STBXH has narcissistic traits. His kindness and generosity to everyone else but me blinded me to this behaviour.

If you end up thinking that if you can only find the right words to explain your feelings to him, he would understand. He understands alright, he just wants his own way more than he cares about you and your feelings.

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 07/12/2022 12:54

Hi OP, read your post back again. A chunky paragraph of what he does that upsets you. One sentence at then end, almost like an afterthought about what you see as his good points. Take out of that sentence 'kind and attentive,' because he's neither. You're with him because he's punctual and spends all his time with you - yeah, treating you badly.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 07/12/2022 12:56

The only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none.

You are in an abusive relationship with this man complete with the nice/nasty cycle of abuse which is a continuous one. The silent treatment is another form of emotional abuse.

Abuse is NOT about communication or a perceived lack of, its about power and control and he wants absoluter over you here.

Your boundaries, perhaps already skewed by previous abuse, are being further eroded by this individual now. The relationship is over because of the abuse he metes out to you. Such men do not change; you are fully now seeing who he really is.

Pinkbonbon · 07/12/2022 13:02

BertieBotts · 07/12/2022 12:50

That's not a communication style, it's abuse. No, it doesn't get better unfortunately.

This with bells on.

'Communication style' lol. Nah honey, he's just a massive bellend. Run!

Ofcourseshecan · 07/12/2022 13:15

Thelnebriati · 07/12/2022 12:49

when we disagree he gets angry and defensive, barges off, ignores me , gives me silent treatment
it's all brushed under the carpet until the next time. The intervals get shorter and shorter. He gets particularly mad if he is in the wrong and has been confronted
These are not communication styles; they are red flags. Indicators that he feels entitled to not communicate, but have you capitulate to him every time, never question him.

He is also very attentive, punctual, spends all his spare time with me, kind and affectionate.
Coupled with the other behaviours this could also be a red flag; a performance of niceness. It could be a demonstration that 'this is how I can be when you are behaving yourself'.

Yes. He’s training you, OP. Don’t stay with him.

OriginalUsername2 · 07/12/2022 13:20

I wish we could all get together and agree to stop putting up with this crap from men. Maybe one telling off as a warning and then they’re cut off.

Hes angry that you’re having feelings. Clear red flag. Not good enough for you, cut him off.

UseOfWeapons · 07/12/2022 13:47

Nope, he's a twat, and potentially a highly abusive one, if he's already giving you this sort of treatment. Massive red flag!
Time to dump, block and move on, I think.

candycane10 · 07/12/2022 13:50

As PP have said, the silent treatment and gaslighting are abuse.

Another flag for me is that the 2nd of his good qualities you've listed is that he's punctual. Is this really how low the bar is?

yellowsmileyface · 07/12/2022 13:58

BertieBotts · 07/12/2022 12:50

That's not a communication style, it's abuse. No, it doesn't get better unfortunately.

THIS.

Of course he's also really kind and attentive. Abusive men, when they're being nice, are usually the sweetest men you could meet! They have to be, so that you'll still chase after them when they're being abusive.

pinneddownbytabbies · 07/12/2022 14:06

catinboots123 · 07/12/2022 11:55

He sounds awful. Just get rid OP. Nobody deserves that shit.

Well said, and I couldn't agree more.

TiAmoTiAmo · 07/12/2022 14:19

He sounds horrid. Punctuality doesn't cancel out emotional abuse.

Pinkbonbon · 07/12/2022 15:09

Think of it like this, would YOU ever treat someone like that? No. So why are you excusing someone else treating YOU that way?

Men aren't some exception to the rules of basic respect. He also isn't, I'm assuming, 4 years old child, right?

So stop making excuses for this bullshit fron this shitty person.