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Original poster

Marriage when the woman has assets.

122 replies

Cocokitty · 06/12/2022 22:57

I see it time and time again on here that women with assets shouldn't marry, particularly when she has children from previous relationships as it is "stealing from their inheritance" if things go wrong.

So I'm a woman. I have an asset. I have a lovely partner of some years with whom I'd like to marry. I am totally unconcerned about whether he gets "half of the house", although that is unlikely, but let's just say maybe he did. It's just money. It doesn't mean enough to me to make me think I shouldn't be married if I want to be.

My children will inherit, sure. He won't ever take it all. It isn't money I have "earned". It's luck - buying a home that increased in value eventually (was in neg equity for 10 years first though!). Mortgage was always interest only because back then that is what I could afford. I'm in a better position now with him even though he has no assets, pension or savings and has only just begun to earn in the last few years thanks to years as a student. Together we will be able to earn more (I can work more hours than as a single parent as he helps with childcare) and have lower childcare costs, we can buy a bigger house which could potentially have higher equity.

Yes I could lose some. I might have to sell. I'll always be able to buy though, I live in an area of low house prices. I earn enough to pay my mortgage.

I've been married before, whilst still having the same asset. The divorce didn't cost me a penny. The house remained mine as it was before. I bought it alone and have always been the sole owner.

Not all marriages that do end in divorce "take you to the cleaners".

i just wanted to offer a different perspective as this forum can be incredibly heavy on the "don't get married" advice to women who have an any assets. Money isn't everything to all people. Not everyone feels the same way when it comes to their money.

OP posts:
BraveGoldie · 06/12/2022 23:44

Spouse only inherits your money if you don't have a will. You can leave your money to your child simply by writing a will.

Original poster
Cocokitty · 06/12/2022 23:45

Sarahcoggles · 06/12/2022 23:40

I'd be wary OP.
I'm not sure how old your kids are, but imagine if you die. Your husband inherits the house as your next of kin. All is fine until he meets a new younger woman, who moves in. She has kids of her own, and doesn't like your kids, so your kids move out. Your husband now marries this woman, and suddenly your asset, which your kids should be benefiting from having lost their mum, belongs in part to your husband's new wife. And her kids when the time comes. They're sitting pretty while your kids have nothing.
And yes we all think that the man we love would never do anything like that, but time and again we see on here that people change.
I would absolutely ensure that the asset was somehow ring fenced for your kids, should you die.

That is the whole point of a will. To prevent this.

OP posts:
Judgyjudgy · 06/12/2022 23:51

Cocokitty · 06/12/2022 23:06

And no, my dad doesn't help me out financially despite his wealth. Before anyone asks!

Even so, but he could - which puts you in a very fortunate position compared to many and would give you a completely different outlook towards money and risk

Sarahcoggles · 06/12/2022 23:54

What would your will say?

I knew a family in which the woman had 3 kids, was a widow, and married a man who had no kids. New husband never liked her kids, couldn't wait for them to leave home.

The woman died, and her will stipulated that her half of the house went to her 3 kids, but that her husband could live in it as long as he wanted, only passing on her inheritance when he sold it.

So he decided not to sell, ever. He stayed there till he could barely function and really needed to be in a care home, but was determined to prevent his step children getting it. He allowed the house to disintegrate around him, so it as worth a lot less than it should have been.

And yes OK, no one should expect an inheritance etc etc, but the woman in this story would have been spinning in her grave if she'd known that her hard-earned asset didn't reach her children until they were pensioners themselves.

EmmaAgain22 · 06/12/2022 23:55

OP "He is soft and gives his last penny away. When he was struggling with family court costs I went though his accounts with him to find out he was shelling £50 a month to 5 fecking charities!"

red flag. Don't have a joint account with this guy.

oh heck, you won't listen to what we say.

Original poster
Cocokitty · 06/12/2022 23:57

Judgyjudgy · 06/12/2022 23:51

Even so, but he could - which puts you in a very fortunate position compared to many and would give you a completely different outlook towards money and risk

Show quote history

No, no. You misunderstand. He doesn't through his choice. He sees it as he had to make his own way through life, so should I. He is tight with money. Hence why he has so much.

And although he states I am his sole benefactor, I will never assume. Because he is tight. He will probably take it to his grave 🙈.

So no, it doesn't change my outlook. I'm here fending for myself.

OP posts:
emilydickinsonscat · 06/12/2022 23:59

You're relaxed about money and your children inheritance and you're young and healthy with a good financial buffer and wealthy parents.

Sounds like you can afford to be relaxed.

I was 'taken to the cleaners' in my divorce, (well not really, but the other party definitely did a lot better out of it than I did) and having experienced the court system and a judge (fat MC white middle aged man) decide my financials has made me think I will probably never marry again.

But love changes everything and that's a good thing, and you have your own choices in life.

Maybe if I met a decent guy and had 6 great years with him then I would be relaxed about entering marriage again.

Original poster
Cocokitty · 07/12/2022 00:02

EmmaAgain22 · 06/12/2022 23:55

OP "He is soft and gives his last penny away. When he was struggling with family court costs I went though his accounts with him to find out he was shelling £50 a month to 5 fecking charities!"

red flag. Don't have a joint account with this guy.

oh heck, you won't listen to what we say.

How is generosity a red flag. Don't be bloody ridiculous! I don't have a joint account and never have, but I might do in the future. He is happy to leave me in charge of his account now anyway 🤣. I see where his money goes! It goes on our family. And a bit of Warhammer shit now and then! I make sure he doesn't give any more money away to charity! Well, not until he has established more in his career anyway!

OP posts:
EmmaAgain22 · 07/12/2022 00:05

OP "Don't be bloody ridiculous!"

okay.

WinterLobelia · 07/12/2022 00:07

Dh is older than me and if he dies I will either never marry again or I will get proper legal advice to ensure that my children are protected. I am a solicitor and although a very long time ago now I did a stint in probate. If you ever have a subsequent marriage I would suggest just accepting that it might be a very good thing to drop a couple of hundred pounds for an hour or so with a lawyer who can advise you on the (usually unintended) consequences of your actions.

uncomfortablydumb53 · 07/12/2022 00:52

Each to their own, but personally I feel you're wearing rose tinted glasses, but as you say, you haven't lost anything. I, for one have lost a lot, which I can't rebuild

Starrylight · 07/12/2022 00:57

Cocokitty · 06/12/2022 23:06

And no, my dad doesn't help me out financially despite his wealth. Before anyone asks!

Nobody asked... But you did seem fairly keen on mentioning it? Which kinda begs the question, why? I suspect deep down you're pretty sure that money is heading it's way towards you? And yes, as you clearly state yourself there are no set stones in life... So, if that goes tits up, and you marry your partner and die pre him and your kids get nowt... Well, then, no?.. Maybe the naysayers were in fact right on here perhaps

GroundhogGroundhog · 07/12/2022 01:04

There's literally no reason to do this.

You can buy a house together jointly etc without being married. Not being married doesn't stop you sharing your lives or living together. A marriage will literally only benefit him. Why would you do this, and take this risk with your children's security?

Yeah sure, it may all work out fine. But as you know, it may not. So you want to do this, for what? I am utterly baffled.

I think it's incredibly selfish and really unwise and also pointless: if your relationship is as good as you say then there's no need for this?

GroundhogGroundhog · 07/12/2022 01:06

And I didn't say that my children will definitely inherit

Nope. If you get married you have no legal way to ensure that is the case. That is why people are telling you not to do it. It's stupid.

GroundhogGroundhog · 07/12/2022 01:08

Yes he is in his 30s. He dossed his early 20s away, went to uni, took 5 years to graduate due to illness. Worked for 2 years, had a kid with his ex, split up before the birth and then spent the last 5 years in family court hence no savings or pension, or anything else.

Sounds like such a catch. Congratulations.

GroundhogGroundhog · 07/12/2022 01:09

With a partner we would have a more comfortable life as we would have had better earning capacity together.

You don't need to get married to do this. Confused

Monty27 · 07/12/2022 01:10

OP just because something works for you doesn't necessarily mean it'd work for another person. What is it you would like to hear?
Are you planning a blog?

MintJulia · 07/12/2022 01:12

I am a 59yo woman with a teenager and a house that I will own outright in about 6 months time, plus a private pension accumulated over 30 years.

I will not marry because I want my estate to pass to my son. My last two relationships, each of four years duration ended when the man discovered that my son was and would remain my sole beneficiary.

The latest complained bitterly when I chose to send my ds to an independent school (on an academic scholarship, so half fees), insisting it was a waste of money. He thought he could dictate how I chose to spend my income.

As women, we each have to make these decisions. I would be happy to welcome a new partner into our warm, happy home, but not to the financial detriment of my child.

Any man worth having wouldn't consider that an issue.

Starrylight · 07/12/2022 01:13

GroundhogGroundhog · 07/12/2022 01:08

Yes he is in his 30s. He dossed his early 20s away, went to uni, took 5 years to graduate due to illness. Worked for 2 years, had a kid with his ex, split up before the birth and then spent the last 5 years in family court hence no savings or pension, or anything else.

Sounds like such a catch. Congratulations.

I'm totally hoping to date him if OP decides he's not great after all

GroundhogGroundhog · 07/12/2022 01:15

I'm totally hoping to date him if OP decides he's not great after all

You'll have to join the enormous queue! 🤣🤣🤣

EL0ISE · 07/12/2022 01:16

Please tell me where I can get one of these divorces that doesn’t cost a penny? Because mine is costing me an absolute fortune .

Liorae · 07/12/2022 01:16

Schlaar · 06/12/2022 23:00

You are quite mad and if you were my mum I’d be furious. The money might not mean much to you but it probably means a lot to your children!

You would be furious at your mother making choices about her own finances? If you expressed your fury to me you would be disinherited.

MintJulia · 07/12/2022 01:17

"How is generosity a red flag?"

It's more that you seem to have found a man through whose fingers, money runs like water.

Which is fine if he's Bill Gates but not if you need him to help you pay the mortgage, and he's frittered it all away.

Pythonese · 07/12/2022 01:19

Exactly. It’s double standards.

GroundhogGroundhog · 07/12/2022 01:19

Of course a child would be furious at their mother looking back with adult perspective if she had needlessly risked the security of her own children because of some fantasy about a fairtale ending which meant she absolutely must get married again when it was completely unnecessary and only served to put their future at risk.