Unhelpful DH after operation

[Peedoffo]

I'm 2 weeks post op major abdominal surgery. I've managed to get in the shower it's a shower over bath, I needed help getting out DH went downstairs to get something to eat and said wait while I was freezing cold. If I ask him for anything he groans and moans. The house looks a state so I got a grabbing aid to pick stuff up and tidy, DH refused to put the bags outside said later. I'm not allowed to lift over 1kg so I did it anyway.

He even moaned when he had to bring the shopping in after a home delivery so I got a chair and attempted to put as much of it away myself. although I'm knackered and swollen. To be honest this experience has made me question my whole marriage. If I had a life changing injury or long illness he wouldn't be supportive would he? He's saying it's really hard on him looking after the house I understand that but I would do the same. My DD aged 9 has been a little star and not well herself.. A 9 year old has more empathy than a grown man 😢. I feel like just an appliance who is only useful when in full working order.

Tell him all this! How would he like to be treated if he was unwell? What makes him think this is how to treat someone you love?

Big baby - I’d be furious in your shoes.

That's awful behaviour from him. Really disappointing in a supposed life partner. Did he understand the recovery process and what was needed before you had the op? It can't have been a surprise, surely?

It's really quite pathetic that he says he can't handle looking after the house whilst you're recuperating. Why not? It's normal adult behaviour to run a household. What's the issue with him not being able to do it? Leaving you cold in the shower is awful too. I'd be so angry and upset about that.

Is it too much to give him an ultimatum? Either he sorts his attitude and laziness out, rapidly, or he can move out!

Sorry but that's awful, I've had some major surgery and yes the house wasn't to my stupid standards but I got yelled at by my DH as he caught me hoovering after 3 weeks.

I think I'd be re thinking my whole partner choices on this behaviour to be honest as you both age how is he going to be if you do get sick and need care?

He’s missed the “in sickness and in health” part of the wedding then?

I’d be kinder to a sick dog than he is to you

I feel like just an appliance who is only useful when in full working order.

Yep. That's exactly what you are, in your husband's eyes.

Has he always been a selfish piece of shit? Not that it really matters. Time to get angry.

I assume you haven't missed out that he works 90 hours a week as a surgeon and you have 1 yo triplets he is singlehandedly looking after?

If not, you're right, he's a spanner. And he doesn't actually love you and care about you. Seeing you in pain doing something he could easily do without pain is awful.

I would reconsider my whole marriage.

Oh that's terrible! I agree, it's time to get angry! Oh and stop doing things. If you do them, he'll let you!

You're right op, it does sound like he sees you as an appliance. If you loved and cared for someone, there's no way you'd leave them cold in a bathroom, or moan about them being unable to do things. Surely if you loved and respected that person you'd WANT to look after them and make sure they are warm, fed and well looked after. This isn't the sniffles, this is major surgery.

For instance when my mum had her hysterectomy, my dad would only let her lift a teacup, there's no way he'd have let her out shopping away or do any housework.

I'd be using the time at home to plan my exit strategy.

You're absolutely right to be questioning your marriage. This is not the actions of a man who loves and cares for his wife. I'm sorry.
But please don't risk your physical recovery by lifting heavy things and exerting yourself. It won't be the end of the world if they stay there for awhile!

Leave the house to beba state and focus on getting better.

Then, deal with the husband situation later. But you're right, if he's behaving like that he doesn't love you, he just needs someone around to clean up after him.

If I were you I'd tell him exactly what you've said to us and then add that he needs to shape up and pull his finger out. Make sure he knows it's making you question your whole relationship.

If he still can't do it then you know the truth.

Christ in a bike

What are men FOR exactly?

Now you know. You need to say all of that to him and tell him you're reconsidering the relationship.

When you're vulnerable you need your partner to step up. Not leave you to get cold after a shower or do basic shit like put shopping away and rubbish out.

Focus on your recovery for now.

When you are back on your feet, I would reconsider your marriage.

Looking after a house and a one nine year old is not some mammoth task. How disappointing.

That is terrible, and I think you should tell him how selfish he has been once you feel better

Divorce this fucking bastard as soon as you are well.

I ended a 16 year relationship because my ex partner behaved like this when I was very ill with a horrendous ‘flu for a fortnight. Yes, there were other issues but that was the straw that broke the camel’s back.

Last year I was really unwell for around 4 months. This included hospitalisation and several procedures, finally an abdominal operation.

My husband for 4 months did pretty much everything. This included drop off and pick up every day from a school up the road and a nursery a 20 minute drive away. Sorting everything for the kids as I couldn't physically do it. Attending a million school events as my child had just started reception. He sorted everything with the house, the washing, the shopping etc. All of this whilst working full time as well.

Your husband can't manage two weeks - I wouldn't want to be in a relationship with someone who would treat me like that.

Instead of leaving a mince pie out for Santa please let him have your dh.
He is a piece of shit op.

I'm not surprised. What a selfish git.
I'd tell him just what you've said here. Tell him his behaviour has made you rethink your entire marriage. See what he says.

I wouldn't let a friend struggle to put things away when they were not able to do it, never mind my h. He sounds totally lacking in empathy.

Best wishes for your recovery.

Doesn't he like you? Because that's how it seems, doesn't it? And I think he must know he's giving off these vibes and doesn't care.

I suspect he knows he can behave like this because normal service will resume the moment you're well enough to do everything (for him) again.

Instead, perhaps, when you're well enough, you should tell him that he's a horrible excuse for a partner and now that he's shown you exactly who he is, you don't want anything more to do with him. He can live on his own and put his own shopping away week in, week out.

I hope you're on the mend soon.

Unless this was emergency surgery why were you dealing with shopping at all? The least the could have done was worked out you all need fed.

I imagine you’re gutted because he’s letting you done. I don’t want to add to it but there’s really no excuse. If he was trying and getting it wrong that would be one thing but he’s not even trying.

obviously you’re going through some stuff just now but I don’t know if you should give him a second chance. Seems so fundamental to me, all he needs to do is pick up for a couple of weeks but he can’t even help you out the shower before you get freezing. I wouldn’t want to risk something (more) major happening and not being able to rely on him.

Wow

What a fucking prince.

Just tell him you are not going to do anything further that puts your recovery at risk because it is better for the house you get better as quickly as possible.

Once you are more your fighting self then tell him this whole episode has made you re-evaluate your marriage.

He's a horrible person, who is happy to watch his wife suffer, simply because you being 'out of action' due to your operation a bloody 'inconvenience' for him !

What a prize tosser he is !

As you said, he's got less empathy (or love) for you that your 9yr old !

Show him this thread, and tell him that if he doesn't love you enough to put any effort in to help you in your time of need, he can fuck off back to his parents house and you'll manage everything yourself !

Oh, and be sure to tell ALL family and friends exactly how little he helps you and how much he's 'complained/ moaned/ Harumphed and grumphed' about it too, cos it's about time everyone knew what a selfish, nasty tosser he really is !

I know it's hard but don't be compromising your recovery for this shit head. I've done that myself and it's not worth it.

Don't make a martyr of yourself by doing things.
It's only yourself that will suffer because he won't notice your huffs puffs and sarky comments.
You'll have to tell him straight.
"Anytime I get sick or need help, you seem to regress into a child and start telling me about how bad things are for you.
I've just come out of hospital. If I don't recover properly and my stitches don't heal, you'll be doing everything in the house for a lot longer. I'm not asking a lot of you, I'm really not. It's just you have difficulty with me not being in my usual role. So can we just get on with it please' .